Worried about Sexual Inexperience...

LegacyUser

There is something that has been on my mind recently and I wanted to ask here to get some opinions. I'm a guy in my mid-20's and for my age I am very inexperienced sexually. I've only ever had a few one night stands in my life and never had a serious girlfriend. I am getting very close with a girl right now and all going well I plan to sleep with her (hopefully more than once) quite soon. This girl however is very experienced sexually - much more so than most girls and it is evident. She's not al slut, but is very advenerous sexually and had had threesomes etc. From the chats we have had I don't think she is 'difficult to please' - I'd say she's more the type of girl who just Loves sex no matter what - however I cannot help thinking that if we do get together, she is going to think it is strange / different with me - as really I have not done this enough to be completely confident in what I am doing. Perhaps I am overreacting - as really I am a very sexual person and over the years have read plenty about how to please a woman etc - and I have plenty of stamina so that will not be a problem. However, its a cliche about how bad guys are in their first few times and it takes a lot of practice to be come good in bed. I have gone over it thousands of times in my head as men do, but nothing substitutes real experience. I've seen more than my fair share of porn in my days, and that is great for idea, but I'm sure there is a big difference between normal sex, and porn...

My questions:
- Girls, have you slept with an inexperienced guy (perhaps a virgin) before, and how was it different to e.g. sex with an experienced partner. More specifically, what exactly do that do / not do that makes them not as good as someone who knows what they are doing?
- What makes men good in bed in general?
- Guys, remember back to the first few times you had sex, most will probably laugh at how bad they thought they were, what has changed since?
- I also kinda wonder about 'when to do what' - 'Sex Procedures' if you will. Who goes down on who first? When do we go from foreplay to actual sex? How slow/fast & soft/hard to go at first and later. Is every person you sleep with different or is it mostly similar.
- You see the joke on TV about when a couple are about to have sex the first time, the guy gets a 'freebie' the first time, as he will be so bad that she will not count it... Is this true?
- Girls if a guy came clean with you and said: I am really not very experienced, but I want you to tell me exactly what you like so we can both enjoy this as much as possible" - would that be cool, or weird? Has it ever happened to you?
- Would you generally tell the person to be vocal about what they want?

Any advice you can give me is greatly appreciated.
Thanks

spurious

wanttobegood wrote:

I am really not very experienced, but I want you to tell me exactly what you like

Why mention the inexperience bit at all? For any new partner it's a new experience. You are new to her, she is new to you. It's not as if sex is a standard performance that some how gets better with practice. Confidence is the single biggest turn on there is.

Ask her what she likes, let her guide you. Forget about your inexperience - it's only you has a problem with it.

If you are a guy who will listen to what she wants and do it, you are ahead of the pack before you even start.

tSubh Dearg

wanttobegood wrote:

- Girls if a guy came clean with you and said: I am really not very experienced, but I want you to tell me exactly what you like so we can both enjoy this as much as possible" - would that be cool, or weird? Has it ever happened to you?
- Would you generally tell the person to be vocal about what they want?

This is what you want to do! As a girl I would find it incredible that a guy would have the courage to say this to me on our first night together and would respect him for it rather than just going at it without really knowing what I wanted or enjoyed.

Being vocal and discussing what you both like and enjoy is the way to get good at sex.

If, as you say, she's the kind of girl that really enjoys sex then she should have no problem with you telling her this and in fact might enjoy "teaching" you all she knows. I know I would.

Talliesin

wanttobegood wrote:

I'm a guy in my mid-20's and for my age I am very inexperienced sexually. I've only ever had a few one night stands in my life and never had a serious girlfriend.

Given that quite a few people, of both sexes, are still virgins in their mid-20s (and not counting people who've taken a vow of chasity) that isn't that inexperienced.

wanttobegood wrote:

This girl however is very experienced sexually - much more so than most girls and it is evident.

Flip-side of the same point. People vary so highly in regards to what they do and how often they do it that these statements don't mean that much in the abstract. Let's just leave it at she's relatively more experienced than you.

wanttobegood wrote:

is very advenerous sexually and had had threesomes etc.

Adventurousness, kinkiness, threesomes or anything else outside of the vanilla mainstream is not the same as experience and, more importantly not the same as experience you actually learn from. It is true that within the communities that develop around particular sexual activities there is generally a better exchange of information than elsewhere, but that tends to apply mainly to those particular acts and is only going to come into matters if she's been part of such a community, rather than just giving something a go.

wanttobegood wrote:

as really I have not done this enough to be completely confident in what I am doing

I'm not completely confident in what I am doing in bed, because I have more sense than that.

"Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge" (Charles Darwin).

Don't have complete confidence as an ideal, the only way to achieve that is the Dunning-Kruger Effect (where you're so bad at something that you don't realise you're bad, and therefore feel supremely confident).

The ideal is not so much confidence as fluency. When you have fluency in something you have enough confidence to get on with it, but also enough understanding that if things aren't perfect you neither ignore it nor take a self-esteem nose-dive, but just deal with the fact that things weren't perfect (can you learn anything from it, or was it just one of those things, is there anything else you can do so that you both still have a good night, etc.)

wanttobegood wrote:

as really I am a very sexual person

Great. If you're a sexual person who doesn't have a highly compartamentalised concept of sex, but lets sexuality bleed into other things then I think that helps a lot in having a good sex-life.

wanttobegood wrote:

and over the years have read plenty about how to please a woman etc

That's good too. It only goes so far, but it's good. And if nothing else I personally just find the topic interesting in its own right

wanttobegood wrote:

However, its a cliche about how bad guys are in their first few times and it takes a lot of practice to be come good in bed.

This is true to a large extent, but misses the whole picture. For a start it misses that there is much more to learn in terms of two people that are new to each other than being new to sex altogether.

wanttobegood wrote:

I have gone over it thousands of times in my head as men do

Not real, but certainly good a a source of ideas

wanttobegood wrote:

but nothing substitutes real experience

No, nothing substitutes for good real experience. Not good as in it has to be technically perfect, just good as in it was good

wanttobegood wrote:

I've seen more than my fair share of porn in my days

That's a bit of a problem, but not a big one. Just don't pay any attention to anything you see in porn when it comes to how to do things. Now, if there's something that makes you think "oh, I gotta try that" then that's one thing, but pornography is not a documentation of sexual technique and indeed some things are deliberately done badly because it looks better.

After all, you don't know how to defuse kill a squad of terrorists, torture a suspect and then defuse a nuclear bomb if you've seen an episode of "24".

wanttobegood wrote:

Who goes down on who first?

There is no rule on this. It is generally easier to get your point across, so to speak, by going down on her than by waiting for her to do so to you.

wanttobegood wrote:

When do we go from foreplay to actual sex?

The whole idea of foreplay as something separate to actual sex is a misconception borne out of the way we educate children about sex.

Think of how we learn things in school at a certain age (the earth goes around the sun, don't start a sentence with a conjunction like "and") and then when we're older learn that this isn't actually the case (there is no fixed point from which to measure which body goes around which, you can start a sentence with "and" for rhetorical and poetic effect) and then later on might learn in college that this isn't quite the case either.

Unfortunately in school we learn how to make babies, and how to do the same thing without making babies and are told this is "sex". For some reason the lesson where you learn that that's not what sex is at all, but just one small part of it isn't taught in our educational system and people actually get to the age where they are having sex with the idea of intercourse==sex and "foreplay" is something else still in there heads.

The differentiation is completely bogus (as I asked in another thread recently, what do people think lesbians do, sit around waiting until one of them grows a penis?).

As to when to move into penetration. Long term the answer is when you both like doing so. Short term, leave it a long time your first time with her, indeed ideally bring her to orgasm with your mouth before even beginning penetration.

Because there isn't really any such thing as foreplay, there's no reason why penetration has to be last thing you do, or has to go on until you cum. You can stop penetration and do something else. You can go back to it. You can do whatever it is that is bringing both of you pleasure.

wanttobegood wrote:

How slow/fast & soft/hard to go at first and later.

Start slow and gentle. Then see if she likes it hard and fast.

wanttobegood wrote:

Is every person you sleep with different or is it mostly similar.

Different for every person, and different from one session to the next. Starting slow is a good exploratory technique, but its an exploratory technique to help you ease into knowing what tends to be good for her and how to judge what she wants when. There is no rule.

wanttobegood wrote:

Girls if a guy came clean with you and said: I am really not very experienced, but I want you to tell me exactly what you like so we can both enjoy this as much as possible" - would that be cool, or weird? Has it ever happened to you?

This is another porno problem. In porn, and indeed in Hollywood sex scenes, people immediately know what their lovers want.

In the real world there are people who ask, and people who are always crap.

Personally, I love being very take-charge as to what happens in bed, but even with that I still make sure I've an understanding of what works for my lover. I'm not going to be so caught-up in my personal preference for being very take-charge that it's not going to do anything for my lover.

The fact that you are inexperienced is another matter. You should tell her this, but not because you have to warn her or anything, but because this is clearly leading to some worries for you and you're serious about this person, so you should share such worries. You're past the "selling yourself" stage in dating, time to get real.

wanttobegood wrote:

Would you generally tell the person to be vocal about what they want?

Hell yes. It's so much easier than trying to read their minds.

wanttobegood wrote:

Any advice you can give me is greatly appreciated.

What I said in [thread=2055011390]this thread[/thread] I'd still say..

ladybirdirl

Here here Talliesin,

I think that's fantastic advice - OP take this on board!

As a female, if a guy who I was in a brand new relationship was honest enough to ask me what worked for me I would be ecstatic!

Do just try to relax - it's going to be a pleasurable experience for both of you - you don't need to worry yourself so much about your partner that you don't enjoy it at all - girls can always tell when that happens

Good luck!

Ladybird

Black Swan

Inexperience? Is prowess what it's all about? Pictures a table of judges holding up cards with numbers from 1 to 10. Me thinks not. But then again, I have never been interested in recreational sex. Too personal. Too intimate. I cannot separate love from sex, so if you love this girl, chill out, relax, forget about prowess, do what comes natural and go with the flow. If you are out to pleasure her above yourself, and she is the same about you, whew, both of you will have a grand time!

Talliesin

Blue_Lagoon wrote:

If you are out to pleasure her above yourself, and she is the same about you, whew, both of you will have a grand time!

You're either lucky enough never to have been with anyone that isn't any good, or unlucky enough never to have been with anyone with any skill (or you're just impersonating a thought-for-the-day calendar as usual).

Personally, I care enough about my partners to put a bit of effort into what I can do for them. As a rule they seem to have preferred that to the selfish or the earnest but clueless.

Sure, worrying about prowess over-much can be worse than usual, but there's a happy medium between being overly concerned about prowess and being a lazy bum in bed.

Marksie

Well, no need for me to rehash what is essentially the best advice you are going to get.

But one thought struck me from your post, it is obvious that the two of you have some measure of openess in your discussions about sex. I tend to believe that this will be mirrored in the bedroom. If you follow through with the communication, be open and honest, it should develop into something good.