Why do women let his happen?

Fanny Cradock

Although this happened 2 weeks ago, it is something I've been thinking about since.

I was heading into town to meet a friend for a few drinks. Another week of work was over and as I strolled down the street, carefree, the thought crossed my mind that, yes, life was indeed good.

I was close to the pub my friend was in when I noticed a girl ahead. She seemed in some distresses - lost in dark thoughts. She had a prominent black eye. I considered how she could possibly have received her bruise. Walked into a door? Hummmm!

We had passed by each other her when a guy suddenly grabbed her. He was like whirlwind, full of anger and rage. Who knows, maybe they just had a fight? They walked down the road a little bit (~15m) and he leaned in close to her - with his face pressed against hers he hissed something in into her ear. He then grabbed the girl in a very rough head lock. This was no lovers tiff.

So, this was the time to be a good Samaritan, step up to the plate and be a man, sort this scum out etc. After a brief hesitation, where I considered that I was probably going to get beaten up by this larger, anger man (in other words, loser thoughts), I began to jog back to intervene. I had settled on either punching him in the back of the head and getting him in a head lock (the irony) or kicking the backs of his leg out and wrestling him to the ground... decisions, decisions! He was only meters away when two very, very large bouncers sprinted by me and grabbed the guy, flung him to ground and mashed his face into the path while telling him he was filth. I'd imagine that he was kicked out of the pub by the same bouncers for doing some similar **** to the girl. This was good, I thought. These guys were doing an excellent job of dispensing some rough justice and, selfishly, I considered that I was saved a possible beating. However, the girl looked on and began to cry and plead for her love. After less than a minute of this they let him up and told him to **** off.

The couple walked down the road, and I looked on in horror as she hugged the guy and passionately kissed him. They disappeared around the corner hand in hand.

Now, I could have completely gotten the wrong end of the stick. Maybe she did walk into a door, possibly the guy was using some chiropractor moves on her sore neck, and it is possible that I had witnessed a mugging of a poor innocent chiropractor who's only desire was to rid the world of neck pain. However, I don't think so.

Can anyone explain to me why a young, attractive and, I'd assume, intelligent woman would stay with and love a thug like this? She is the victim of course, but why doesn't she leave him and end the nightmare? Extenuating circumstances aside, why does she let it happen?

Sir Digby Chicken Caesar

I wouldn't call her a victim.. an idiot sure, but not a victim

if she doesn't want to get hit, she shouldn't be with him. Since she is with him, she must find something about him so appealing that she doesn't mind the odd slap.

daiixi

She probably has no confidence, no friends and no money. He's probably got her convinced that it's her fault and that she doesn't deserve him, let alone any better. That or she's just dumb.

irlrobins

tbh, it's quite common for someone to intervene in a domestic and get attacked by the couple. He might be a pig and beat the crap out of her, but he is still her pig and she doesn't take kindly to people fighting him.

So my opinion is to stay out of domestics. Now if it was a guy mugging a girl I'd certainly jump in.

Tails142

I have seen that plenty of times - some girl getting pushed around by her guy, only for some other fella to step in and then become the villain in the eyes of the girl in distress.

Nothin much you can do, except become the villain obviously, and live to fight another day.

Alcohol is the obvious culprit here by the way.

mike65

Ditto that, there's class of woman (it seems) that'll take any amount of sh1te
for the sake of having a man (so-called) by thier side.

Mike.

Heisenberg.

This post has been deleted.

spurious

The woman is obviously being regularly abused - probably not only physically.

Constant emotional abuse makes someone feel like they are worthless, makes them think they deserve every thump they get, feel like no-one else would ever have them since they are so useless.

It's really not as simple as 'doing anything to have a man'. It's quite complex and until you have been in the situation, it's not possible to understand it.

Dyr

irlrobins wrote:

tbh, it's quite common for someone to intervene in a domestic and get attacked by the couple. He might be a pig and beat the crap out of her, but he is still her pig and she doesn't take kindly to people fighting him.
.

Amen, you could always take the atittude that you arent stepping in for the sake of yer wan but just to give the pr**k the hiding he richly deserves. Just watch out for when she blindsides you :mad:

yeah anywhoo, in cases like this other women seem to always bang on about how they wouldn't let any man treat them like that etc but one wonders how many actually would (or do).

irlrobins

The Scientist wrote:

So you'd ignore what what the OP saw if you were in his position?

If it's a couple having an domestic then yes. Now clearly if the girl was looking for help I'd jump in. But often she isn't and turns on anyone who interfers.

ferdi

any time i've seen a guy step in when a girl is getting a few slaps off her scum of a boyfriend in public, the good Samaritan is attacked by the girl. i have seen this at least 5 times in dublin. Once the girl took off her high heeled shoe and hit the guy, who was trying to help her, on the head leaving him pouring blood.

after that i made up my mind never to get involved in this kind of public domestic.

gerrycollins

an all too similar event happened me and a mate in Limerick a few years ago and this time we saw the girl get the hiding.

Just as we were about to intervene around the corner comes a male mate of this girl who tends to her rescue but as he is kicking ten shades of stuff out of the fella the girl is pleading for her abusers life. you should have heard the crack of his skull of the kerb as he fell down once, he didnt get back up!

why? well i didnt stick around to find out but im sure they(women) are weak willed and lack in confidence hence they are still with their abusers and not showing them the door IMO

I can take it from both experiences that the girl is used to getting a few slaps and will know it will be over soon as she "loves him"

Kinetic^

I don't think it's limited to just women. Was out with a few people for the Irish Rugby match last week and a friend of a friend got a mobile phone thrown at his face by his gf, it resulted in black eye for him.

faceman

This is a very common occurence. Unfortunately in most of the situation the woman begins to believe she is at fault hence why she doesnt see sense and get out of that situation. The male figure will have the female believe she is of no worth without him etc.

unfortunately the only resolution to this scenario is for the female to realise that what she is going through is unacceptable and she needs to be free of it.

Calling her an idiot is stupid, if it was that easy she wouldnt be in that situation in the first place.

connundrum

irlrobins wrote:

If it's a couple having an domestic then yes. Now clearly if the girl was looking for help I'd jump in. But often she isn't and turns on anyone who interfers.

Agreed, its the wierdest situation when that happens.

I remember seeing a situation where a girl and a guy were screaming at each other on Harcourt St, like right up in each other's face. The guy had raised his hand a couple of times but hadn't actually hit her. So a samaritan went over to 'save' the girl.

I can only presume he asked if everything was ok, he didn't try to restrain either party like. Without warning, the girl just started hitting the samaritan on the chest and head, shouting at him to fcuk off and mind his own business!

These situations are not normal, and you don't know what exactly is going on. A couple shouting at each other I will walk by. A situation where someone is actually getting hurt, I will have to stop and help, its just my nature - and for that I probably will cop a few slaps from the woman. Sigh :rolleyes:

LadyJ

Saw something similar when I was about 9. I was crossing the road to the shop opposite my house and saw some guy pushing his girlfriend off the curb, onto the road. Thankfully it was quiet and no cars were driving by.

Anyway, I told the guy in the shop and he ran out to see what the story was but the girl just told him to piss off and the couple went off.

I think it's a lot more complicated than the woman being "an idiot". She has to be in a certain state of mind. There are millions of intelligent women who suffer this kind of abuse time after time. Abusers can be extremely manipulative. Some people are strong enough to get out at the first sign of danger but others are different.

Each situation is slightly different too. There are a number of reasons why some women stay in abusive relationships. It really has nothing to do with being "an idiot" though and anyone who thinks so is being completely ignorant.

faceman

LadyJ wrote:

Each situation is slightly different too. There are a number of reasons why some women stay in abusive relationships. It really has nothing to do with being "an idiot" though and anyone who thinks so is being completely ignorant.

a guy i used to know was in an abusive relationship where his wife used to beat him up! No joke, he was dead sound, he only told us this after they seperated! He said one night he woke up in pain and she was sittin on top of him hittin him in the head with a half empty 2l bottle of coke!!!

Alter-Ego

faceman wrote:

a guy i used to know was in an abusive relationship where his wife used to beat him up! No joke, he was dead sound, he only told us this after they seperated! He said one night he woke up in pain and she was sittin on top of him hittin him in the head with a half empty 2l bottle of coke!!!

Ah jaysus, i lol'd, sorry!

Yeah, on topic, when you're in that situation with a partner, the "victim" often believes they need the person who is abusing them and its their own fault and will stay loyal despite the abuse, both physical and emotional. I've seen it happen in my family, extended family anyway. Sometimes they get away and sometimes it can end tragically.

Brian Capture

In another twist to the 'man beating up woman story' I witnessed this in the city centre a couple of years ago.

Man hitting and shouting at girl down a side street.
A male passerby intervenes and tries to pull the man away.
The girl becomes abusive and starts to strike the passerby.

The passerby then clearly annoyed that his intervention is being repaid with abuse, punches the woman full force across the face a couple of times and then walks away saying 'you losers deserve each other'.

smashey

I saw a woman getting smacked about by a guy in Letterkenny a few years ago (late Saturday night). I walked over, pulled them apart and dropped him. The woman then threatened me with her stiletto before helping the guy back to his feet and saying she was sorry. What the hell did she have to be sorry for?

Ghost Train

Seems to be some cycle people get into, stuck in an abusive relationship, impossible to know the exact reasons why a particular girl stays with an abusive jerk. While its crap to say it, between couples, its probably better not to get involved, as like others have said, the woman will probably end up turning on you. But every situation is different and sometimes you can't help getting involved

smashey

I know what you mean. When I saw it happen to that woman, I just thought it was totally wrong and dished out some rough justice. I had an idea that she would turn on me but all I could see was the bully beating her.

Kinetic^

Brian Capture wrote:

The passerby then clearly annoyed that his intervention is being repaid with abuse, punches the woman full force across the face a couple of times and then walks away saying 'you losers deserve each other'.

LMFAO, the whore deserved it imo.......too many damn looneys out there that enjoy abusive relationships.

Zambia

I have the solution here , run up from behind kick the said gentleman in les goolies.

Then turn heel and run away.

1: If she needs to get away she can

2; If she doesnt well then she cant attack you . unless you have just kicked sonia osullivans BF...

however I would stay out of domestics ring the police...

mloc

I know a guy who intervened in a domestic where a woman was being rather badly beaten up, only to have charges pressed against him by the couple for assault when he tried to break it up...

The way I look at it is either she'll cop on and leave him or she's probably dumb enough to deserve him if she doesn't.

nicolo

i dunno tis a mad world, i remeber on my way home one night i seen this guy slapping the head of this girl on oconnel bridge so i ran up and clocked himnext thing i know i've the girl i was trying to help clawing my hair out screaming"ge awf mee fella!" luckily the gaurds showed up pretty sharpish but fer **** sake like?

NutJob

Similar story(have two of these here's one)

Guy beating on girl, her house mate has a freak out comes next door and wakes me up at some dark hour. I go over ask the guy to leave and get a smack in the nose ask less politely and throw his ass out followed by me having to choke hold the guy into submission while waiting for guards to turn up.

Guards arrive im accused of trying to steal his misses tell the guards the story house mate backs me up (luckily). I leave sharpish and tell the guards i live next door and will be putting the kettle on and cleaning up my nose.

When asked did i want to press charges i said simply if she presses charges ill do the same.

Next day i find out she left the house with the guy and spent the nite at his after the guards left.



Why do some some put up with this am herd love mentioned once. The promise that it will never happen again a few times. Who knows honestly iv seen it happen to men two.


Something similar to Fannys story happened to my brother in that he hopped some guys head off a wall for hitting a girl on the street. So it has to be a common occurance in sociaty.

PiE

Moral of the story: women are idiots.

Caliden

Fear of not being 'loved' by anyone or just fear of being alone.
Some women don't believe in the whole 'other fish in the sea' thing.

cjt156

Used to work bar in a couple of clubs & the doormen always said domestics were the worst. guaranteed you'll get your eyes scratched out by the female "victim". Fcuk'em, if you're that stupid, you deserve it.

LadyJ

PiE wrote:

Moral of the story: women are idiots.

Kenny 5 wrote:

LMFAO, the whore deserved it imo.......too many damn looneys out there that enjoy abusive relationships.

Honest to God, the ignorance of some people on this thread is unreal. It makes me sick that there are millions of people (men and women) stuck in abusive relationships but the attitude of some people here makes me even sicker.

Kinetic^

Sorry your heiness..........I forgot to put *sarcasm* after the first comment :rolleyes:

cold_filter

To show that not all women are idiots, ill post this,
about 5/6 years ago i was walking home with my then gf, and at the cross roads at the peoples park in dun laoghaire this guy utterly kicking his girlfriend around, i went to stop it my gf pulled me back, there was a group of about 5 guys walking on the other side of the road, they seen it and the kicked the **** out of him, all the while the gf is kicking him in the balls and scratching his face, she was pretty ****ed up (broken nose and black eye) anyway she got into a taxi with a couple of the lads she's now going out with one of them, and i have yet to see the other lad with a girl on his arm(but i wouldnt see him on the piss)

spurious

smashey wrote:

I saw a woman getting smacked about by a guy in Letterkenny a few years ago (late Saturday night). I walked over, pulled them apart and dropped him. The woman then threatened me with her stiletto before helping the guy back to his feet and saying she was sorry. What the hell did she have to be sorry for?

Because in her mind, after emotional abuse, it was her fault for annoying him/wearing the wrong thing/having the dinner late/being there and he was justified in hitting her. She should have shown him more that she loved him.

For those here that are actually reading the thread and not just looking for a chance to say something they think is smart, keep this in mind if you ever have someone in your life/family being emotionally abused and bullied.
THIS is what comes of constant put-downs.

The ignorance of some people posting here is frightening. Perhaps these women deserve it in your mind? Maybe you're on the way to being an emotional bully yourself. Good for you.

Dragan

The Scientist wrote:

Still though, there can No excuse for raising your hand to a female.

Of course there is, it's called self defence mate.

Kinetic^

Dragan wrote:

Of course there is, it's called self defence mate.

Rofl, yeah like seriously The Scientist, if some bird is kicking 7 shades of sh!te out of me.....I'm not going to stand there and take it........not going to hit her back but I'm going to stop her asap and if she gets hurt with me doing so then it's self defence.


I think the days of it being a no-no to raise your hand to a woman are gone btw...........they wanted equality, surely in every way?

Mrs_Doyle

I think it is impossible to even try to get into the mind frame of these young women.
Someone mentioned earlier that the girl might have no friends, or family, to turn to, and so stays with the guy regardless of the abuse.
I know a girl who has an incredibly supportive family and a whole lot going for her, yet she continues to go back to a guy who has left her in hospital on several occasions. How can we ever hope to understand that? What sense does that make? Where is the logic in that?
These girls, and the girl I know, they don't function like you, or I, they don't operate along the same lines of logic, they are impossible to understand.... unless your one of them.

I suppose it might be extreme insecurity. Like, really extreme lacking in self esteem coupled with "but s/he loves me really". Constantly being put down can have a very harsh effect, but it could be so gradual you just get used to it.

I don't know though. Er, thankfully.

Black Swan

I knew a girl that went from one abusive relationship to another. Sad. She had an abusive father (who also abused the mother). She was very insecure and couldn't go it alone in the world, accepting relationships with these male bullies. Violence against her often occurred after too much to drink, and in one case, when she tried to leave her abusive male partner, he "punished" her for trying to leave him. I called the gardai on the jerk, but nothing came of it, because she was afraid to say anything against him, fearing what he might do to her later. Everything appeared "normal" when they showed up.

NutJob

Guess its like any form of systematic abuse you tell someone something long enough and the'll begin to believe it.

Guards are powerless to do anything as the victim has to press charges

Backtoblack

The thread title is a bit odd, Why do the men do it in the first place?
Obviously its a very serious problem, but I think its a lot more complex than "women letting this happen". Its very very sad really.

Fanny Cradock

spurious wrote:

Because in her mind, after emotional abuse, it was her fault for annoying him/wearing the wrong thing/having the dinner late/being there and he was justified in hitting her. She should have shown him more that she loved him.

True. But at what point does the emotional involvement become so great that it becomes too difficult for the person to break away? I can appreciate the difficulty involved if you are in a long-term relationship or marriage, but why put up with this if you are only in a relationship a few months? For that matter, why do people - lets face it, generally speaking it will be a woman - go from one physically and mentally abusive relationship to another?

A couple of years back I struck up an online friendship with an American girl. Before we met she told me she had been married to one of these abusive types and had kids with him. She managed to break away and gain her independence - fair play to her. However, sometime after the divorce - and this is about the time I struck up a friendship with her - she was going out with another guy. They were soon to be married. He was as sweet as sugar, she said, and he promised her the world. But in the end he turned out to be nothing more than a replacement for her ex. For a time she actually convinced herself that when her new hubby had hit her for the first time it was an accident. His fist just happened to slam into her face. Again, she got a divorce and met another guy. At this point I lost contact with her, so I can only hope it worked out.

I can't believe that the world is so full of abusive men that it is merely bad luck that some women keep meeting them. I guess that there is a type of personality that must be attuned to recognising these types, and somehow predisposed (for whatever reasons) to being attracted to them.

Black Swan

Backtoblack wrote:

The thread title is a bit odd, Why do the men do it in the first place?
Obviously its a very serious problem, but I think its a lot more complex than "women letting this happen". Its very very sad really.

It is sad, and by far more complex than evidenced here in this thread.

Even more disturbing, there are cultures that exist today where the beating of defenseless women and children by men (to get their way) is common.

greenkittie

A friend of mine was once in an abusive relationship, and on the night it ended her boyfriend was drunk and dragged her the entire way home from the pub they had been at by her hair (she has really long hair, would have been able to get a good grip) with her screaming and crying. It was on a lively street, went past bouncers and lots of the general public and not one person said a word, she said that it really upset her that noone helped get him off her and she was left to deal with it alone.

littlebitdull

Why is it the woman fault? It was some big idiot of a man hitting her, abusing her, who had her convinced it was normal behaviour.

You see it time and time again. And as others have said you really are safer keeping out of it.

In a lot of cases these women are mixing in circles where all the men are abusive...so all of their friends fellas are like that, all the women can then get together and complain about Him. So its like any deviant behaviour.. when you get a circle(ring?) they just normalise it.

Sir Digby Chicken Caesar

defenseless women? then it's up to them to learn to defend themselves, stand on their own two feet and protect themselves. If they are not willing to do that, I don't see why I should give a ****. They are the ones being hit, not me and if they're too googly-eyed over their abusive partner to register that something is wrong and to do something about it,it's no one else's business.

greenkittie, an easy solution would have been to get a solid grip on his balls and squeeze/pull at them until he was crying more than she was. It's not like men are completely invulnerable to pain. That is one simple way to take down any man.

WhiteWashMan

mike65 wrote:

Ditto that, there's class of woman (it seems) that'll take any amount of sh1te
for the sake of having a man (so-called) by thier side.

Mike.

dont be stupid.

Kinetic^

WhiteWashMan wrote:

dont be stupid.

You don't be stupid!!!

connundrum

I didn't find the comment stupid. If not a class then definitely a significant section of the female population.

Black Swan

Mordeth wrote:

defenseless women? then it's up to them to learn to defend themselves, stand on their own two feet and protect themselves.

I agree with you. After work, I part-time instruct martial arts and wish that all women would enroll and stay in a programme of self-defense, as well as for their increased health, fitness, and improved self esteem. Unfortunately, few women enoll in MA, and those that do often drop out way too soon. If I was to have a daughter someday, it would be required, just like school.

Mordeth wrote:

greenkittie, an easy solution would have been to get a solid grip on his balls and squeeze/pull at them until he was crying more than she was. It's not like men are completely invulnerable to pain. That is one simple way to take down any man.

This is not good advice! If the smaller, lighter, and less strong average untrained girl attempted this or some other technique, the likelihood that she would make the larger, heavier, stronger male more aggressive towards her would be the likely outcome. Or taking a couple of weeks of self defense classes is a joke, cause it takes years to become skillful enough to defend yourself against a larger, aggressive opponent.

The average girl/woman's best defense against these bullies is to call the gardai and file a complaint.

Backtoblack

wow cool blue lagoon!! Didn't know you did MA!
I would love to but tried a few of them and was only ever good at TaiChi.. which I loved but not good self defence as a beginner.
Anyway, won't go way off topic.