Worried about 15 year old daughter's friends

greine

Hi everyone, I'm a single parent to a 15 year old daughter. Since Christmas I have found out that 2 of her best friends are drinking most weekends. I have asked her about this and she doesn't deny it at all. She doesn't drink herself but says that she still wants to be with her friends, even when they are drinking. She described a scene not so long ago where she was "minding" her friend as she got blotto. I went on to explain that I wouldn't exactly call this "minding" someone, i.e watching them get drunk and making sure they don't fall over. On New Years eve, she had to ring me and the parent of one girl because she was so drunk she was unconcious and my daughter got very worried when she couldn't wake this girl up! We have a pretty good relationship and she opens up no problem. I believe her when she says she doesn't drink herself because she is pretty health conscious and does a lot of outdoor activites as well as dancing (hip hop etc). IMO keeping her involved and interested in these activites has "saved" her thus far!
My question is should I speak to her friends or their parents? My daughter doesn't want me to do either because they would get into trouble. I think they are already in trouble! How do I continue to discourage her from this kind of activity without coming across as a repetitive nag. I do praise and reward her for being strong and confident with her peers but deep down I am so worried for her.

Nevyn

I think you should have a word with the parents of the girl.
Purely for the sake of her own safety and health reasons.

curly shirley

I think you should leave well enough alone! If your daughter is clever enough not to drink but still wants to stay with her friends while they drink themselves stupid, I wouldn't say anything. Surely the parents of the other girls must smell the drink off them!!!If the parents aren't asking their kids questions on where they are and what they do, then I don't think they'd welcome your information! Your daughter would probably end up falling out with her friends and that's when you'd really have a problem. Trust your daughter, at least she's telling you what goes on and if you say anything (in which she doesn't want you to) you could lose that trust between you!!

Nevyn

There is also the dangerous situations that a 15 year old that is will find themsleves in when trying to 'mind' a drunk firend.

Richard W

Even if you tell the parents of the other girls, it really won't stop them drinking if they really want to. Over time you'll just end up with the same situation, only your daughter will have lost friends.

Now, if you catch them drinking, that's entirely different. I suppose you could tell the parents, and your daughter will come under no blame from her friends.

Sucks to be 15.

Beruthiel

greine wrote:

My question is should I speak to her friends or their parents?

I honestly don't think it would change anything. Think about it, any parent who gave a flying fuk about their daughter would know and see them coming home blotto, They obviously don't care enough about her in the first place to do anything about it, probably why she doing this to herself on a regular basis.

My daughter doesn't want me to do either because they would get into trouble. I think they are already in trouble!

I agree, I think all you can do is discuss this with your daughter, ask her what her friends home life is like, I bet a months wages she's having problems with her parents, explain to your daughter that her friend is drowning her sorrows in the worst way possible and it's going to eventually lead to trouble.
Tell her that you know she likes her friends but that doesn't make her their mother when they need help. They have problems, is she talking to them about the problems, are they opening up to her on the subject?

How do I continue to discourage her from this kind of activity without coming across as a repetitive nag.

When my daughter was her age, I give her the odd drink of wine with her dinner at the weekend, explaining that one or two is fine, being silly about it is silly and can lead to all sorts of problems, not to mention how dangerous it is from a health and safety point of view.
My daughter knew one girl who was like your daughters friends, this girl had a dreadful home life, we both knew why she drank. My daughter eventually droped her as a friend because she wasn't interested in spending time with someone like that.
Encourage the activities your daughter is interested in, perhaps she can widen her circle of friends this way and will eventually grow tired of being a babysitter of her own accord.

I do praise and reward her for being strong and confident with her peers but deep down I am so worried for her.

I hear ya, sounds to me like you are doing very well so far, hang in there.

luckat

This is a difficult one. I'd discuss it with your daughter, first off, and be cautious and gentle about how you treat it all.

The first thing to think about, might I suggest, is what you'd like to happen if it was the other way around - if your daughter was the one drinking.

Maybe it might be an idea - before taking any action - to invite the daughters and their parents to a fairly casual dinner in your house. Don't discuss anything; this is a getting-to-know-you kind of dinner.

Once you know each other well, you might be able to talk about things without it being so sudden?

Kildrought

I believe her when she says she doesn't drink herself

Sorry to rain on your parade, but you can't be 100% sure of this or that it will stay that way. And I've no doubt that you are now somewhat indignant at that last statement! As parents we love our children and are always willing to believe the very best of them, which is fine, that's our job; but temper that with a little bit of suspended belief and you'll be on the right track.

What you can be very glad of is that she's talking to you....keep that going you have it very right so long as you can continue to talk.

In regards to the other children, your main aim will be to get her to understand that a) she's not responsible for other's behaviour b) it's not her job to 'mind' them (and what a bore that must be) and more importantly she doesn't know what else they may have taken.

She was absolutely right to call a grown up when she was in a situation she couldn't handle and that's a sure sign of a maturing mind.

Finally let her know that no matter where she is or what time of the day or night it is, you will always be prepared to come and get her (or she can get a taxi home) if she is in a situation she is not happy about.

frobisher

greine wrote:

She doesn't drink herself but says that she still wants to be with her friends, even when they are drinking.

I would be careful about beleiving that. Some teens are able to resist the urge to experiment with alcohol when their freinds are doing it around them. But I never knew any when I was that age. I'm a single parent of a teen too and the alcohol thing is a worry. You can safely presume that there is alot more going on than you think. It's normal. Just try and teach her to be responsible and that when things go wrong (like her freind passing out) she should look at the situation and learn from it.

Trinity

I'd try to discourage her from being around these girls (this girl) at all, even if its just at weekends.

Even if your daughter is not drinking her friends could unwittingly place both her and themselves in terrible danger. We know how some adults behave when drunk so multiply that by 100 with a hormonal teenager. We are all brave (stupid) with a few drinks and think we can take on the world. Particularly if they are hanging out on the streets.

Where do they get this bloody alcohol? Its illegal to sell it or buy it for a minor.

I dont want to frighten you but i'd be worried sick abbout sex,fights, them being taken advantage of, raped whatever, its not far fetched it happens all the time. I worry about sober teenagers being vulnerable let alone drunk ones!!

She may get herself a reputation just from hanging around with them. Tell the girls parents. WHether they appreciate it or not, you will have done your part to help. If they are uninterested why not talk to the girl herself.

Its not a 15 year olds responsibility to babysit her friends at the weekend.

luckat

Second Trinity1's point.

I was going in to work the other afternoon, and when I got off the bus I saw a girl asleep sitting on a box in the doorway of Bewley's.

I walked on, and then turned back and went back, intending to give the kid €20 so she could at least get herself a meal and sleep somewhere warm.

But I *couldn't wake her* she was so far out of it. I spent about two minutes trying, then walked on. She'd drunk something or taken something that had knocked her out completely - and she looked about 16, poor little thing.

I suppose I could have called the Guards, but I didn't want to get her into worse trouble, which probably wasn't thinking straight, now that I think of it, but I was running for work at the time.

And I'm probably fairly typical of people's attitudes to drunk girls and boys - you try to help, and then you shrug and go on.

greine

Thanks a mill for the replies. I'm still unsure about what to do. Got out of town this weekend with my daughter to mull over it a bit more and just to get her away too. The "car chat" is always a good opportunity to talk to her. I am inclined not to tell the friend's mother right now and possibly talk to her friend directly, possible sleep over next weekend. My daughter is okay with this. However, as one poster pointed out and this is where I am torn, if this was about my own daughter I think I would like to be told so that I could deal with it before something drastic would happen.

We live in a rural place and there are not many facilities for young people and that is a big problem here. A lot of my daughter's friends have no interests outside school and when there's no school, they are idle. I asked my daughter if she wanted to ask this friend if she wanted to join in the activities that she is involved in, in particular surfing. I think a a lot of teenagers have just to much time and little supervision as parents are so busy working they do not have time to bring their kids to other activites that are not already organised for them. Maybe, I am being harsh, I only have the one child and plenty time to take her to surfing/dancing/hiking whatever. I will take this girl with us but maybe have a condition in place that she doesn't drink, Jaysus.....I think I will have hit the bottle myself by the time these kids are 18:D !

It'll take me the rest of the week to figure out what to do, not good at any sudden moves!! For the moment, I'll tell my daughter to invite her over next weekend and we'll take it from there. Thank you all again for the replies and if anyone thinks of anything else I'd appreciate it.

Beruthiel

greine wrote:

if this was about my own daughter I think I would like to be told so that I could deal with it before something drastic would happen.

You wouldn't need to be told by anyone else with regards to this, it's obvious you're paying enough attention, if there was anything major going on you'd know. Again, you'd have to wonder how they don't see their daughter coming home in that state.

kittenkiller

Have you considered mentioning something to the principal of the school that the girls go to?
Maybe they could give the whole class a talk about the dangers and point out that there'll be a closer eye kept on everyone in the future and alert all parents about what's going on.
That way your daughter doesn't get in trouble for spilling the beans and all the other parents are informed about what their child could be up to at the weekends.

r3nu4l

greine, when I was a scout leader in Ireland we almost always caught some of our scouts drinking or smoking hash everytime we went camping.

Now, we were obliged to tell the parents and the scouts knew this.
I would say that about one-third of the time when we told parents what was going on, the response was 'sure no harm, the little tyke' or 'mind your own f*cking business you do-gooding piece of...'.

I even had one parent show me his 'loft conversion'...full of cannabis plants, he let me know that he supported his sons activities fully but respected that we needed to inform him.

My point is that informing the parents may backfire badly on you and you should be prepared for that. If you do tell them, let them know that your daughter didn't want you to tell them, tell her friends that as well!

greine

r3nu4l wrote:

My point is that informing the parents may backfire badly on you and you should be prepared for that. If you do tell them, let them know that your daughter didn't want you to tell them, tell her friends that as well!

I would be afraid that if I tell the other parent that it would backfire and my daughter would not be comfortable telling me what's going on. Like I said before I will talk to this girl at the weekend and let her know that if something like this comes to my attention again I will have to let her parents know. I would hate if any harm would come to any of these girls and I had the info that could have prevented it.
It's so hard sometimes being both good cop and bad cop and trying to strike the right balance. I think that that is one of the trickiest aspects of being a single parent!

Have you considered mentioning something to the principal of the school that the girls go to?

The school has had these talks since first year and even in primary school, however, there are always kids that don't heed the information or perhaps it's never discussed at home and the message is lost. While I must admit these talks are improving all the time, they still have a bit to go to reach alot of teenagers. I remember when I was in school a garda came in to our class to talk about drugs. He had "samples" of the drugs to show us what they look like so we would recognise them if they were offered to us. He passed a lump of hash around the class and by the time it got back to him there was only a bit of it left! I know things have improved since then, but the bottom line is that the message has to be driven home at home!

Again, thanks for all the advice.

RainyDay

luckat wrote:

I was going in to work the other afternoon, and when I got off the bus I saw a girl asleep sitting on a box in the doorway of Bewley's.

I walked on, and then turned back and went back, intending to give the kid €20 so she could at least get herself a meal and sleep somewhere warm.

But I *couldn't wake her* she was so far out of it. I spent about two minutes trying, then walked on. She'd drunk something or taken something that had knocked her out completely - and she looked about 16, poor little thing.

I suppose I could have called the Guards, but I didn't want to get her into worse trouble, which probably wasn't thinking straight, now that I think of it, but I was running for work at the time.

Please don't leave any unconscious person sitting up. They are in significant danger of blocking their airway, either by the position of their head and neck, or by vomiting. Get them down on the ground on their side in the recovery position, where they are unlikely to do themselves any further damage. Call an ambulance.

luckat

RainyDay wrote:

Please don't leave any unconscious person sitting up. They are in significant danger of blocking their airway, either by the position of their head and neck, or by vomiting. Get them down on the ground on their side in the recovery position, where they are unlikely to do themselves any further damage. Call an ambulance.

Oh no! If I'd known this I would have called an ambulance. Damn! I didn't want to call the cops on the poor girl, and her in trouble already.

But thanks for telling me this. If it happens again I'll call an ambulance.

caffrey

defo on recovery position. this is a very sticky situation. I have been in this position but unfortunately i was the bad egg. not quite the one passing out but i was drinking at an early age and my parents seemed to believe that i wasn't drunk or if i knew that i would be going out i would arrange to stay in someones home whose parents were away so these peoples parents might not be too bad at all they are just being hoodwinked by someone who knows more about the facts and has spent their whole lives getting good at fooling their parents.

I also played a lot of sports, gaelic, basketball and cross country. pretty good at all but i regret giving these up during the years that i was on a bit of a "bender", started drinking, then smoking, then a bit more. got a grip of myself which is probably the only way a person can come to their sences about these things really.

Do not assume that because i was fooling my parents that this person is, that is unfair, i was untrustworthy and there is a chance that they are too but don't jump the gun, all good bonds will be broken if u are wrong and you go around accusing.

By saying all this there were people worse than me and people better. encourage sports/activities etc, they promote the release of endorfins in the brain giving a natural buzz regularly, minimising a want for the thrills of drink or drugs.

4Xcut

curly shirley wrote:

Surely the parents of the other girls must smell the drink off them!!!If the parents aren't asking their kids questions on where they are and what they do, then I don't think they'd welcome your information!

Maybe they're just really cr*p parents.

OT: If she's not drinking and she's staying safe/using her own(hopefully good) judgement and mind then she should be grand

limklad

greine - Be proud that your daughter is taking on the responsibility in life and help her in coming up with reasons that teenager accept why she does not have the need to drink or take drugs, that she already feel happy and do not need ingest anything else to make her feel happy.
You got some excellent advice on this thread. As to your daughter friends, do not put in a wedge between you and them. Since you are in a rural area you know the numbers of possible friends are more remote. This will backfire on you as meddling. It is better to have a good relationship than none. It is good that you can talk to her and she to you (as many other attack their daughters), continue the supportive attitude as teenagers as lots of pressures already and is different when we were growing up. Give her possible solutions to her problems and let her decide what is best, rather than take the negative attitude and remember teenagers always make mistakes, we were teenagers too.
As to her friend, my advice is to take her under your wing, because her parents might not be supportive, show her (through actions not verbally as teenager do not like to be told what to do) others ways to be happy rather than forced into it. Yes this can be difficult, as short term pain, gives long term gain and that only depends in how you treats them.

Do not forget that parents (like many others in our society) have selective amnesia when problems arise and claim not to understand why they have so many problems.

Remember that "How your kids treats you when you are old, depends how you treats them when they are young"

Good luck and take care.

limklad

Kildrought wrote:

As parents we love our children and are always willing to believe the very best of them, which is fine, that's our job.

Not all parents see this way, many are irresponsible for there duties. If only we had this perfect situation were all parents truly love their children, we would not be in this mess today. Many parents may not want to have kids in the first place or want to deal with their kids problems.

Good on you for loving and willingness to see the best in your kids

Kildrought

Not all parents see this way, many are irresponsible for there duties

I'd disagree - ask any parent, even those who you feel are failing in their responsibilities or who have mental health or addiction problems and I'm willing to bet they will tell you they love their children; even if they don't have the resources or ability to follow that through.

limklad

Kildrought wrote:

I'd disagree - ask any parent, even those who you feel are failing in their responsibilities or who have mental health or addiction problems and I'm willing to bet they will tell you they love their children; even if they don't have the resources or ability to follow that through.

Have you been watching families in trouble on RTE 1 on Monday nights? Did you see the reaction of the parents when they see themselves throwing abuse at their own kids. The comment they made about their kids was they hated their kids. It had to take a video recording show them prove that it was their poor emotional connections and listening skills, that was causing the problems in the first place.

I also know and feel for the kids, when parents verbal and emotional abuse their kids, yet the parents still wonder why they have so many problems with their kids.

I have been through it and still remember my childhood vividly and events when I was two years old and still remember the tea towel size rough nappies and Big saftely needles sticking into my sides.
My mother solution to deal with any problems no matter how small was to bully me, yet I was not the cause of most of her problems, she used me and others too for her venting and selfish attitude and decisions in life. My father was not much better. You need to read my life story about my family to understand things. I have look at this problem in so many points of views over the years to understand why and the reasons for the problems. Like an investigator, I dismiss one by one, trying to fit a gig saw together. Nothing is ever dismissed until I am 100% certain it not the reason why. Yet I never had any or little problems with my grandparents or any other adults when I was a child, and they can testify to that. There biggest confusion from others had is why I never understand some things that were basic to them. They (grandparents) truly loved me and treated me well. My grandfather never said the words “I love you” to me, yet I could tell with the reaction in his face (eyes and smile and a hug, I still remember and feel his stubble) when he saw me and showed me how to do things and love having me there as well as all the other of his grandkids. You can tell from his eyes that he love having me around. I was definitely was not demanding, but a quite kid. He never yells at me, because he did not need to. He never had to tell me to do my home work and I could relax and was better able to remember my homework (ie no stress). He helped to clam me during so many episodes with my Parents after I escaped from my home, and ran in to them (grandparents). His presence alone used to clam me. I could never be able to tell them(grandparents) what been going on, as I would be beaten when I get home again. So my grandparent’s home was a safe haven for me, and is truly home in my heart.
The worst part been in my parents home was the verbal and emotional abuse and their degrading attitude towards me growing up. So your kids know you better than yourself, because they see your actions and behavior everyday. This moto I heard over the years is very true
“How your kids treat you when you are old, depends how you treat your kids when they are young”

I know there are so many other causes in which is medical or combination of both parent interaction and medical, but they are a small % to all the problematic children out there. It is easier to say that it the child who has the problematic, but you will find most cases are due to the problematic parents. I have been learning reasons why kids have so many problems over the years. I could easily tell if children are having problems by watch their behavior. I learnt to see so many scape goats as I listen out for them. I do not accuse anyone for mistreating their child (not the sexual/physical abuse but verbal and emotional abuse) until I see it in person, I look for the bread crumbs too, There are always signs. I have use different methods to convince parents, that there are better ways in raising kids. I was delighted that “Families in Trouble” came out last year, so it became easier to discuss the episode by talking about the parents in the episode. This way I am not raising their defenses. I also discuss my parents relationship with me and how the relationship end up with me distrusting them and why It fell apart. This way they know a better way to raise their kids and incentive to improve the relationship with their kids.
More education is needed for parents, in dealing with their own behavior and their kids problems.
I always say hello to the kids when I call around and let them know they are worth knowing by talking to them about their day and have a bit of playful fun when I call around to their parents house.

Yes, There are so many good parents who are able to talk, connect and treat their kids well. I have witness so many good parents over the years. These days it is getting harder, because of the extra pressure on families with both parents having to work.

edit: had to correct some statements with my family bit, It better to do this when you are not tired and typing all over the place.

limklad

Kildrought wrote:

I'd disagree - ask any parent, even those who you feel are failing in their responsibilities or who have mental health or addiction problems and I'm willing to bet they will tell you they love their children; even if they don't have the resources or ability to follow that through.

I reread this and saw from another view point.
It does not matter how you feel that you cannot succeed. By showing by your action that you cannot succeed and continue to fail only shows the child that life is very very difficult, when it does not have to be. We cannot fall down when we feel the world is against us. There are always choices and help, if you are willing to see or take them. The reason for the change in behavior cannot be for the child alone, you need to succeed for a better life for yourself too. Most people in ruts have a lot to teach other in understanding why it happens. Yes, every situation is different and by talking about it, will help others to understand and learn too. Listening is a two way skill. Not just by talking, but by body language, (use of eyes) tone of voice, and showing interest.

velvitjester

im a 19 yr old guy(dont know why im even in this forum lol) but my opinion from drinking since i was 14, is that her friends and young people nowadays are going to drink and theres not much parents can do apart from locking them up,but i would say that you have obviously done an extremely good job bringing up your child if she feels enough self confidence not to be pressured into drinking by her peers.

In the aspect of telling her friends mothers i dont think it would be a good idea as they are obviously already aware seeing as you and another parent had to go out one night and collect a drunk girl and you saying anything could put your child in a very bad position if it gets out to her friends.

you say she is 15 and either doesnt want to drink or is waiting until she is 18,this an extremely good situation for her also i feel because she is witnesing first hand what overindulging in alchohol really does to people and if she does ever decide to drink you can rest assured that she will have respect for it,unlike me or my friends.A sad reality of the drinking culture of the Irish youth im afraid

Kildrought

watching families in trouble on RTE 1....Did you see the reaction of the parents ......It had to take a video recording show them prove that it was their poor emotional connections and listening skills, that was causing the problems in the first place

I haven't seen this particular programme, but have seen others (and in real life not just TV versions).

Yes, very often it does take this sort of intervention to show the impact of behaviours - but remember these parents requested this intervention in the first place - they know something is not right even if they are not sure what it is. Which proves my original point - they love their children and are prepared to make changes.

How many parents sat there watching the video footage and said "yes, that's fine I think that behaviour is perfectly correct" (or words to that effect)?

In regards to your own childhood situation - here's the thing: yes it's entirely possible that you bore the brunt of your parents frustrations, I'm still willing to bet that your parents would assert their love for you - even if their parenting skills were wanting. And here's another thing you need to understand....it wasn't your fault. That was then, this is now.

Victor

luckat wrote:

But I *couldn't wake her* she was so far out of it. I spent about two minutes trying, then walked on. She'd drunk something or taken something that had knocked her out completely - and she looked about 16, poor little thing.

Talking to the cops (or calling an ambulance or even the ISPCC) is the best thing in such cases.

Dun na nGal

limklad wrote:

greine - Be proud that your daughter is taking on the responsibility in life and help her in coming up with reasons that teenager accept why she does not have the need to drink or take drugs, that she already feel happy and do not need ingest anything else to make her feel happy.
You got some excellent advice on this thread. As to your daughter friends, do not put in a wedge between you and them. Since you are in a rural area you know the numbers of possible friends are more remote. This will backfire on you as meddling. It is better to have a good relationship than none. It is good that you can talk to her and she to you (as many other attack their daughters), continue the supportive attitude as teenagers as lots of pressures already and is different when we were growing up. Give her possible solutions to her problems and let her decide what is best, rather than take the negative attitude and remember teenagers always make mistakes, we were teenagers too.
As to her friend, my advice is to take her under your wing, because her parents might not be supportive, show her (through actions not verbally as teenager do not like to be told what to do) others ways to be happy rather than forced into it. Yes this can be difficult, as short term pain, gives long term gain and that only depends in how you treats them.

Do not forget that parents (like many others in our society) have selective amnesia when problems arise and claim not to understand why they have so many problems.

Remember that "How your kids treats you when you are old, depends how you treats them when they are young"

Good luck and take care.

As a parent of teenagers i have to say that I have enough in my plate making sure that mine are o.k.
This may sound harsh but you have NO responsibility to your daughters friends-only to your daughter- and one of the hard facts of life that we all have to learn is that we do out grow some of our friends. I really can't see any point in talking to her friends parents(if they don't know what's going on that says it all) Remember parenting is not a popularity contest, it takes real strength sometimes to say what you think is right.
Speaking from experience, I have pointed out to my own daughter that she had certain goals that some of her friends didn't share and that she should choose carefully(I certainly would not let her baby-sit some one who's incoherent) She choose to take my advise and is doing very well.
The advise I gave my daughter was learned from experience with her older brother where he had a more serious problem. Half of his group of friends started taking drugs and he was very worried for them, I advised him to talk to the school counsellor, he was then bullied for telling although , he and the other half of the group are still very good friends. My advise then was "do your own thing and let them do theirs" this is what he has done. He's doing his leaving now and looks like he'll do well.
My daughter is doing the junior cert and has a group of like-minded friends who all want to do well although they are in a minority.
I really do wish some body had given me the same options when I was their age.