What would you do

nesf

Beruthiel wrote:

Well, she's 19 now. If she had done this at 17, the following would happen:
She would hand over the money she got from the weekend job I would insist she gets.
She would be grounded/this would include no contact with friends and her b/f.
No pocket money.
The keys to the house would be taken off her and she would never be allowed in again while I wasn't there (this one is easy for me as she spends her time between my house and her fathers) Her father would also be informed and I would have him also make sure the grounding stickes in his house too, we get on to the point that he would do this.
Fuses would be taken out of the tv/stereo and nintendo in her room so she could no longer use them.
Her mobile would be taken off her.
Any spare time she would have will be taken up doing house work.

I have always taught her that she is the only one responsible for her own actions.
The cost of the damage done by that 17 year old was £20,000, mini me couldn't pay for that at 17 - but as soon as she got a job after college and had money, I would insist that it's paid back eventually.

All of the above is why it would never happen in my house.
She has way too much to loose. I have never made her life difficult and she does what she wants within house rules, I treat her like a responsible adult so she acts like one.
She's not stupid enough to let anything change that.
At the end of the day it's all down to parenting, that doesn't start at age 17, that starts when they are toddlers, so by the time they get to 17 your work should be done and they should have enough cop on to not do anything that stupid.
She hasn't seen my 'real' temper more than a handful of times in her 19 years, but she remembers the times that she has and she knows me and what I will tolerate, that is enough in itself to keep her on the straight and narrow.

You sound a lot like my parents. I was never in fear of them or scared of them but I always feared what they'd do if I took breaking the rules too far.

Beruthiel

RainyDay wrote:

Thanks for clarifying, and I'm glad to hear this works for you. Of course, this doesn't work for every child. There are kids who will climb out the bedroom window if grounded. There are kids who will buy/borrow/steal another mobile phone when you confiscate theirs. There are kids who will shoplift to get pocket money if you stop theirs.

Because these kids have been brought up without being shown the difference between right and wrong, brought up without respect, brought up with no manners, brought up without ever knowing there are consequences to their actions, dragged up. The approach would indeed have to be different.
However, I can only discuss from my own experience and from my starting point with my own child. To my mind, if you do not put the work into your child from 2 to 12, then you reap what you sow in the following years.


Thanks Selphie

Kildrought

However, I can only discuss from my own experience

Fair enough, we would all say much the same thing.

if you do not put the work into your child from 2 to 12, then you reap what you sow in the following years

But here's where we would differ, there are no guarantees in child rearing; the most devoted, well-balanced and tuned-in of parents can and do find themselves having to cope with situations they never expected to have to handle.

Whilst I am sure you do your best - you can't be sure that you will never have to deal with painful or unpleasant events in regards to your children.

nesf

Kildrought wrote:

But here's where we would differ, there are no guarantees in child rearing; the most devoted, well-balanced and tuned-in of parents can and do find themselves having to cope with situations they never expected to have to handle.

Whilst I am sure you do your best - you can't be sure that you will never have to deal with painful or unpleasant events in regards to your children.

Surely though that's just how parenting works in reality. It's not a zero sum game where just doing it right from 2 to 12 gifted you with a perfectly behaved teen but I doubt Beruthiel was making that exact point. What I read of her post was more about the laying of bad foundations creating further problems during the teens rather that the laying of good foundations preventing any problems during the teens.

looksee

I agree with Beruthiel that its too late to start disciplining kids when they are old enough to be trouble. I know when my kids were small I was criticised on a few occasions for expecting reasonable behaviour from small children. Its not something you achieve by threats and punishment but by unwavering expectation of reasonable behaviour. Its much easier to give in to demands and bad behaviour, and I don't claim I got it right all the time, but in general it worked. There seemed to be an attitude that small children were too cute to discipline, but I think that to expect good manners and reasonable behaviour is an expression of love and caring just as much as games and cuddles. Children need the security of knowing where the boundries are.

If you haven't sorted who is in charge by the time the child is 7, you won't sort it later, and really its not fair to wait that long then try. Even if you do have hiccups of behaviour in their teens, if you have put down good foundations there is a much better chance that they will sort themselves out. And one of the most important factors should be 'do as I do' rather than 'do as I say'.

RainyDay

Beruthiel wrote:

Because these kids have been brought up without being shown the difference between right and wrong, brought up without respect, brought up with no manners, brought up without ever knowing there are consequences to their actions, dragged up.

Too many assumptions here. I recall a Joe Duffy Liveline programme years back with what sounded like absolutely great parents whose kids had turned into absolute nightmares, with violence, drugs, crime etc. One only has to look at recent events in Wexford or Virginia to see what mental illness can do. There are no guarantees.

run_Forrest_run

RainyDay wrote:

The really important question is not 'what would you do' but 'how did we get to this'? It is far too late to be worrying what to do after the fact.

Perhaps the parents just shouldn't have left the girl on her own. Perhaps she should have been dragged along on the trip, or farmed out to a relative, or a maiden aunt should have been moved into the house for the duration of the absence.

here here. I am getting chest pains at the thought of this from my lil girl, OK, she is only 15 months at the moment but still

greenkittie

RainyDay wrote:

Too many assumptions here. I recall a Joe Duffy Liveline programme years back with what sounded like absolutely great parents whose kids had turned into absolute nightmares, with violence, drugs, crime etc. One only has to look at recent events in Wexford or Virginia to see what mental illness can do. There are no guarantees.

True and you have no idea how they are going to be treated when you arn't around in school and that. I know of a case where a boy was abused in school as a child and dispite his parents best efforts at parenting when he got older he was messed up and acted out becuase of this.

nesf

RainyDay wrote:

Too many assumptions here. I recall a Joe Duffy Liveline programme years back with what sounded like absolutely great parents whose kids had turned into absolute nightmares, with violence, drugs, crime etc. One only has to look at recent events in Wexford or Virginia to see what mental illness can do. There are no guarantees.

I remember reading somewhere about a teen's peergroup as having largest influence on their behaviour as they grow older. What their friends do, they'll do or at least for the most part.

Zambia

And heres what happens when you decide to cave just a little and let her have a party

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/6598883.stm

nesf

Zambia232 wrote:

And heres what happens when you decide to cave just a little and let her have a party

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/6598883.stm

To be honest, if you agree to allow your teenage daughter to have a party for one hundred people in your house you are... Actually I can't find the words to describe that level of naivety.

Nevyn

Yes there are people that despite a good up bringing and all their needs catered to as children still become 'rotten apples'.
Put we never really know why and we as parents do our best despite that possiblity.