lyrics only, rate anyway?

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

I'm slightly spasticated when it comes to technology so I can't post any recordings, also I haven't picked up a guitar in weeks thanx to the effin leavin, so I can't even remember the few chord sequences I did have. Which weren't v good anyway. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, here's the lyrics

First song
There’s no need to shout
I’m standing right here,
Where else would I be?
but shouting spin won't make it truth
I know what I’ve seen
I was there with you,
you drunken fool
drunken fools can't hide pain

I won’t watch a good friend collapse
Darling you’re on you own
We both go down the same old path
Identical and alone

it justwasn't funny,
last time i stood here
why do you say it was?
bottles empty, nights all through
consequence or cause?
i was there with you
you drunken fool
and drunken fools can't hide pain

chorus x2

second song

Well there he goes,
And our fingers start to twitch
And here it comes,
The unscratchable itch
Don’t know whether to #### him or feed him
Or both at once
The father of fantasy
Looks like a son


Chorus
Fight the urge to touch
To grab and stroke and such
Deep beliefs start to crack
A boy like him makes girls swing back

Oh the glory
Of smirks and stretches and frowns
Or the sight
Of him lying down
Want to know what his hair looks like
When he’s asleep
He’s a bastard
Don’t want him to keep

Chorus

third song (I don't do titles, I'm too cool!)

when we walk out together, I know it's only you they see,
grinning and beautiful
towering below me
I try and pull you towards me
as you strike a pose
they only look at me coz i'm near you
I know, I know, I know

(chorus)how can you refuse me?
I ask so little of you
How can you deny me?
When you ****ing know I love you


and then I'm completely stuck for a second verse, coz it's not based on personal experience, so i've run out of steam.....anyway, any thoughts?

Mr. Presentable

Just one. Concentrate on your Leaving.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

I am! I was revising and found those on a loose sheet in the back of one of my notesbooks! I'm not gigging around europe or anything...cool name btw

Steve_o

Are some of the line's meant to rhyme?? If so the words are right but the meter isn't!! its not all that difficult to fix, other than that its nice!!

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Steve_o wrote:

Are some of the line's meant to rhyme?? If so the words are right but the meter isn't!! its not all that difficult to fix, other than that its nice!!

damn, really? I do lengthen and shorten certain sylabbles when actually singing, it sounds okay to me, but now I'm confused! My main problem is using the same rythm again and again and not noticing until afterwards

Little-Devil

nipplenuts wrote:

Just one. Concentrate on your Leaving.

Great Advice...

Package

i like the bit where you say F*ck

apart from that,,

sounds like it was written by a 13 year old love sick puppy

humberklog

Speaking on the blind here as I haven't read the lyrics but come on. Criticism's good (and indeed the OP has requested it) but if you're gonna throw your two cents in then at least try make it constructive criticism. Takes a bit of balls to put stuff up and it's very easy to go kicking it around the playground.

In no way is this a warning or such like, it's just my two cents. I'm criticising the critics.

You can be harsh without being hurtful y'know.

Now for a read...

DarkJager

I think you've got some good ways of phrasing things, but can I ask you what exactly the song is about so I can put some context on it? I can't make up my mind on whether its a love song or a hate song.

Also these lines below make no sense at all. Want him to keep what exactly?

Want to know what his hair looks like
When he’s asleep
He’s a bastard
Don’t want him to keep

Sorry for digging at this but I'm still confused as to what you are trying to convey. Don't give up though, I think with a small bit of work you could make this song work

Package

i dont think she could work on these songs? better left alone..

also, i dont think im being hurtfull, i just think honesty is the best policy.

on the other hand,, ya kinda have to write all the ****e out of ya before the good stuff comes. like practising, its the same principle with anything,, your not born a good song writer, you develop.

cufroige

humberklog wrote: »

Criticism's good (and indeed the OP has requested it) but if you're gonna throw your two cents in then at least try make it constructive criticism. Takes a bit of balls to put stuff up and it's very easy to go kicking it around the playground.

You can be harsh without being hurtful y'know.

Now for a read...

I second that...also I would like to replace the word 'hurtful' in the above sentence with the words 'an ass'....

OP is leaving cert age...I wish I'd have start writing at that age!!!

Package I totally agree you have to write the sh1te out of ya before you get to the good stuff...lol..it's true!!

OP, you need to work on structure, meter, rhyming (for beginners I recommend rhyming accurately to start with..unless you are of the standard of Paul Simon through sheer natural talent)

Get a structure (ie 4 line verse with rhyming scheme A/B/B/A, vary it slightly in chorus, if you like.. A/b/a/b) stick to that & practice writing everything like that until you nail the simplest song form.. even just use the basic chords
C-F-G for now... don't try anything more daring until you can write a decent verse /chorus/verse/chorus/ three Chord trick (think The Beatles "Twist & Shout", simple yet timeless)... you'll learn very basic technique this way. Once you nail that you can take off & explore the different formats/structures...

Keep things simple & straight..
Don't try to be too clever ('opposing') in your lyric
ie "towering below me" makes no sense...just say towering over me or towering over you...you need to make sense..Don't try to be cool & mysterious & clever..It doesn't work
(It's the equivalent of wearing Purple because it's this seasons colour, purple prob looks ridiculous on you.) Write as you speak for now..
The clever stuff you need to work towards..and then do it properly.

Read poetry & GOOD song lyrics..Study the artists you love, then study their influences..copy their style if you like, it may seem natural for you.
You'd be surprised how simple the really good lyrics read!!! Simple but emotionally effective is the key.
Work up from straightforward speak to more descriptive speak


Get a book on lyric writing...there are no rules that say you can't study the art of lyric writing..there are a lot of good books out there..

Most of all keep it simple & keep it up

Oh and, Do TITLE your songs!! Why not?
And FOR NOW.... Have the song title in your chorus & repeat it a bit...repeat something...we need to remember some part of your song, otherwise we can't sing along!!!!:(

cufroige

Russell Gorgeous Sleepwalker wrote: »

Don’t know whether to #### him or feed him

Fight the urge to touch
To grab and stroke and such

When you ****ing know I love you[/B]

I would never curse in a song lyric..call me old fashioned..you don't need it..
it's (IMO) an attention seeking trait & will cheapen the rest of your hard work

Also...GRAB & STROKE? a bit porn-ish, makes me uncomfortable

OK....sorry :rolleyes: I'm a granny!!! I just don't like it...

BUT....Keep writing...You're young enough to take the time!!!
Good luck with the LC (I'm glad I'm a granny, HATED the LC!;))

niallon

I'm seein something in the chorus lyrics posted for all three songs, I dunno what but they have a little something to them. On the other hand though it almost seems like you're putting more work into the verses than choruses and it is backfiring, don't forget the chorus is the repeated section, the one that sticks. Maybe take the ideas laid out in the chorus of each and work backwards to construct the verses?