Married 5 years- no sex

SarahSassy

JC 2K3 wrote:

That's so wrong.

You are correct JC 2K but its nothing to do with this post....

JC 2K3

It has. kimm10 suggested that the OP's wife would want to have sex because she'd want children as everyone does. In pointing out that not everyone wants kids I have nullified that point and contributed to the discussion.

Deadevil129

Is it possible she's asexual? Not that asexuality is something I know a huge amount about, but I'm fairly sure it exists. As in, not attracted to anyone or anything, dislikes the idea of sex in general.

GrumPy

marksuttonie wrote:

I am with beruthiel on this.

It does seem that there are severe intimacy issues which are beyond the initial scope of books and going it alone and indeed boardsters.

I belive that a qualified therapist is the best way for you to go. The thing I would say, is not to end the marriage yet, but to help and support and encourage your wife to go, and go with her.

Agreed, your wife needs help!

olaola

Lordy - I'm impressed that you have lasted this long...

my two cents:
Try to get her to your GP. It might be the best place to start.
Even go first yourself. Explain your situation and try to get some professional advice.

The Sweeper

Op - something struck me. You say your wife refuses to have a medical. Chances are she has serious issues regarding her body, her genitals and how she views sex. It's incorrect for you to say "there are no big issues like rape" - the fact that you haven't had sex for five years is a big issue in itself.

It's also inaccurate for people to assume that something bad has to have happened to you for you to not want sex. There are plenty of women who've been raped once in their life who recovered from the trauma and still enjoy physical intimacy. There are also plenty of unabused, untraumatised virgins who have psychological issues related to sex that are so strong that they simply cannot overcome them on their own.

Guilt, shame, prudishness, the view that a sexual act is something that has to be done to them as opposed to something they can enjoy participating in - lots of things can influence these views. Upbringing. Childhood. Parental attitudes in their own home. Attitudes of their peer group.

Your wife needs professional help. Her saying to you "give it time" - she's fooling herself. She KNOWS there's a problem. She is hoping she can get over it herself. It's even possible she has a sex drive that's currently frustrated because she simply doesn't know how to get past all of her perconceived notions about sex - the sort of experience it will be, the sort of person it will make her, how it will change her view of you.

In addition to that, from a physical health point of view, as she progresses in age it would be a very good idea for your wife to have a smear test and a breast exam just to mind her own health.

And what happens if you ever want kids??!

If I were you, the first step would be to tell her you would like her to see a professional, on her own, to try and work through some of her thoughts. She may open up to a stranger in privacy without you there in a way that she never would if you were with her. Her own warped view of sex may mean she's even terrified of what you'd think of her if she spoke in front of you.

If she will not seek professional counselling help - so not even a doctor, so no fear of a physical exam, just talking - if she refuses to seek professional help, I think you'll need to consider what you want out of your life.

Sangre

Whats the point of being married to her though? Why can't you be plutonic friends if there is no adult sexual relationship?

randylonghorn

Wicknight wrote:

Speaking from experience you should be prepared for a defensive reply from her that you are only interested in her for sex, or that if you really loved her then sex wouldn't matter to you.

I agree that this is a very likely response ...

... to which my reply would be "it is because I love you that this matters so much".

I can't begin to describe my respect for any man who has coped with this for five years, and, what is more, is still prepared to try to make it work.

Previous posters are right ... professional help is needed, and not just a counsellor but someone who specialises in these types of problems.

Tivoli

we haven't heard from the op in a while,

maybe he got the ride at last!

Beruthiel

Tivoli wrote:

we haven't heard from the op in a while,

maybe he got the ride at last!

Banned
B

the hunter

where did he meet his wife she could be a ladyboy ??
did he check for luggage before gettin hitched ...

Beruthiel

the hunter wrote:

where did he meet his wife she could be a ladyboy ??
did he check for luggage before gettin hitched ...

Banned
B

BC

kimm10 wrote:

every normal person want children

Rubbish. Lots of people don't want children. It doesn't mean there is something wrong with them.

davyjose

BC wrote:

Rubbish. Lots of people don't want children. It doesn't mean there is something wrong with them.

Perhaps not, but the impulse to have sex is borne from the instinct to procreate. Because of the society we live in, some choose to remain childless - this is fine, but by and large, these people still want to have sex. The OP's wife does not. THIS is the problem. And that is not normal.

Linoge

randylonghorn wrote:

I can't begin to describe my respect for any man who has coped with this for five years, and, what is more, is still prepared to try to make it work.

I can understand how people have great respect for this OP for waiting so long, but at what point does patience turn into denial? From what we've read he has never been given an actual reason for her making him wait for so long.

I think that if anything could be solved by counselors, therapists or GP's it would have been done within the first year of marriage (for most normal* people, this would have been done before they were married).

The only solution is to walk away from this very unnatural relationship.

*Yes, I did say normal. The vast majority of couples have sex before marriage.

Mrs_Doyle

I read a problem letter, in yesterdays Star Newspaper, about a woman who was terrified of sex.

Her parents were very strict, and as a result she had abstained from sex. She met a wonderful man, and told him that she wanted to wait until she was married before she had sex.

He was fine with this, and after a 3 year relationship (I think) they are due to get married very soon.

However, she is absolutely terrified that sex will hurt like hell. She said the thoughts of allowing her husband to penetrate her freaks her out completely.

She is fully convinced that, when the wedding night comes, she will have to do whatever it takes to get out of having sex with her husband.

Is it at all possible that your wife could have a similar fear? And uses whatever excuses she can to get out of having sex for these reasons?

Zombrex

Victor wrote:

In psychological matters, be very careful in implying something is normal / abnormal. Each to their own and all that.

Well while there is truth to that I think it is far more likely that something is going on with her in relation to anxiety to sex

Of course none of us, including the OP, have the right to make her be more normal if she doesn't want to. But having said that the OP doesn't have to stick around either

forgotmyname

Hi all,
I'm back again and much appreciate the time taken by people in their responses. Apart from this issue we are the outwardly ordinary " normal " couple and there are no other issues. This is the first time I ever shared these feelings with some one apart from my wife. That in itself I find a help.

The most hurtful part is my wifes refusual to really engage me in this problem. If I found out there was an underlying medical issue I think I could cope with that. However after so much I doubt her real desire for the sexual aspect of a marriage. I just think I no longer have the desire or energy to keep going with the marriage.
My biggest issue is handling the collateral damage. we both come from traditional families and I fear the effect of a breakup on my relationship with mine. My wife is a really good person and is liked by all. She would be a wonderful friend but alas not a wife to me.
Re counselling this has been talked about- she is very private and would baulk at discussing these issues. I think it has run its course after 5 years and I'm looking for a way out with as little damage as possible.

Faith

forgotmyname wrote:

I think it has run its course after 5 years and I'm looking for a way out with as little damage as possible.

Well, as mentioned before, you can get an annulment if you've never had sex. I'm not sure how you'd prove that though. This must be a very hard situation for you, OP, and I think you've had the patience of a saint this far.

boffin

I can't offer any advice on your situation so I will just say I hope you are ok.

As your marriage has grounds for annulment this link might be useful from the citizens information. It explains what it means in terms of your house and finances. I would suggest you look for a good solicitor in family law.

http://www.citizensinformation.ie/categories/birth-family-relationships/problems-in-marriages-and-relationships/civil-annulment/consequences_of_a_civil_annulment_of_marriage

EDIT: Just read some of the links that I posted myself and you will really need to seek the advice of a good solicitor because after reading this link below on annulling the marriage because it wasn't consumated - it cannot be annulled simply because one partner refused.

Extract -
At the time of the marriage ceremony, either party was impotent. You must show that either you or your spouse was unable to consummate the marriage. You cannot obtain a declaration of nullity because one of you is infertile or because one of you is simply refusing to consummate the marriage. It must be the case that one of you is incapable of sexual intercourse.

At the time of the marriage ceremony, either party was incapable of entering into and sustaining a proper or normal marriage relationship. This may be due to a psychiatric illness or personality disorder. It may also be due to the sexual orientation of one of the parties. For example, if you discover after you marry that your spouse is homosexual, the court may grant you an annulment.


http://www.citizensinformation.ie/categories/birth-family-relationships/problems-in-marriages-and-relationships/civil-annulment/applying_for_a_civil_annulment_of_marriage

ferdi

OP, dont worry about familial collateral damage, i dont see you having a problem with your traditional family if your relationship ends. it is, after all fairly 'traditional' for two married people to consumate their marriage. No one could possibly have any difficulty with you seeking an annulment in this case.

Marksie

forgotmyname wrote:

Re counselling this has been talked about- she is very private and would baulk at discussing these issues. I think it has run its course after 5 years and I'm looking for a way out with as little damage as possible.

Does your wife know this? and how does she feel if she does?

It does sadden me to be honest but can see where you are coming from, but wonder if you were assertive enough in the first instance? (Please note: by assertivness i mean not demanding sex, but by not pushing on with the resolution of this issue)

The fact that your wife is very private is one thing, but it is your marriage you were trying to save, and this goes well beyond being private. Surely you must have explained this too her? oh why didn't you take the initiative when there was a chance!

I am afraid that whatever damage was done was done long before you met your wife. I am not going to speculate on what must have occurred to cause this but it is rattling around.

And the traditional families be hanged. It is you, yourself and your wife that should have been first from the outset.

You don't seem the type of person who would use the annullment to avoid paying anything. In fact you seem almost saddened at this.

Are things really that hopeless though? Ahh damn it, its really not fair on you both that this happens.

It is nigh on impossible when they are completely closed and wont admit to anything

I am so very sorry

HJ Simpson

God forgotmyname I am sorry it has come to this. Can you try an talk to her again explain how this a problem for both you and her and that you both need to see a doctor/councilor. I know when myself and my partner had our problem there was loads of intimacy but no intercourse. You should try and talk to her again. Maybe book a weekend away so you can have some time uninterrupted.

Goodluck

HJS

seamus

ferdi wrote:

OP, dont worry about familial collateral damage, i dont see you having a problem with your traditional family if your relationship ends. it is, after all fairly 'traditional' for two married people to consumate their marriage. No one could possibly have any difficulty with you seeking an annulment in this case.

That's pretty much what I was thinking. Even the most tradition-bound person wouldn't condemn someone to a sexless marriage (quite the opposite in fact, the more orthodox one becomes).

If this is it, and you're looking to get out of it now, then that has to be the last card that you play. That is, she goes and gets help, or you're gone. Get it clear in your head. Accept it, and put your foot down in your own head - you are leaving. Then tell her. If that doesn't spur her on to try and get help about it, then nothing will, no matter what she says.
This is such a massive decision, that it would be very easy to put it off in your head, and just "give it another few weeks". Before you know it, another five years have passed. You have to 100% prepared to go.

Marksie

You have begun discussing it here and as you said it helps.

Feel free to PM me if you so wish.

forgotmyname

Back again. Thanks for some of the replies, some of which are very helpful. Basically looking back I should have been more assertive earlier re seeking help. I'm thinking of going to a counsellor on my own and taking it from there. Maybe when my wife sees this it will be the final spur for her to seek help. I don't want to go down the legal route without exhausting all possible solutions first. This would be the last throw of the dice! She either starts the process with me or thats it. I want her to willingly take action. Otherwise she is just doing it to for a hassle free life. Sex has to be something she really wants as part of a marriage.
Also, thanks to those who offered a PM- just not comfortable with that

boffin

forgotmyname, I think councelling is a very good idea and the best place to start. I hope everything works out for you.

Good Luck.

Marksie

forgotmyname wrote:

I want her to willingly take action. Otherwise she is just doing it to for a hassle free life. Sex has to be something she really wants as part of a marriage.
Also, thanks to those who offered a PM- just not comfortable with that

OP: she wont be willing at first because she is scared. More than likely terrified.
So in effect you are going to have to be assertive. it is that important. There is no doubt in my mind about your feelings for her and the potential of what could be in this marriage.

If she goes there make sure she sticks with it, be supportive but firm and single minded in this. Go with her if necessary. a good professional will know how to handle this. You have nothing else to lose.

It is not going to be easy in any event working towards getting your wife back into connectedness with her self. It will be long and may be painful along the way as these issues are brought out into the open. Neither will it lead to instant intimacy. But, gods willing she will begin to open slowly and so must you if this occurs it will be a total reevaluation for both. Rather than sex as the ultimate goal intimacy will be everything will follow from that.

Having said that... and i really do wish that happens. If it doesnt then you will have done all that you could have. No-one will berate you for doing everything humanly possible and failing.

Re: Pm..thats ok, its there if you need

You have my sincerest best wishes for the future

Beruthiel

forgotmyname wrote:

My biggest issue is handling the collateral damage. we both come from traditional families and I fear the effect of a breakup on my relationship with mine.

They will be shocked at first, but given time, they will come around.
What is most important is that you are happy in life, that's all any family who cares for their child/siblings want.
You did your level best to make this marriage work, I believe you to be a rare individual in lasting for 5 years, most wouldn't have lasted 6 months under such circumstances.

Counselling is a good thing to try, it will help you come to terms with this and you should defo go for that.
Speaking from experience, the next 6/12 months will be difficult, but I assure you, that a time will come when you will be back to your happy self again and stronger from it.
Best of luck.
a

DublinWriter

forgotmyname wrote:

I'm thinking of going to a counsellor on my own and taking it from there.

I really don't think going along on your own will help, you'll basically just get some of the same advice as you have already gotten here already.

Have you talked to her about the possible consequences of her unwillingness to seek help? (i.e. that you'll end the marriage).

forgotmyname

forgotmyname wrote:

My biggest issue is handling the collateral damage. we both come from traditional families and I fear the effect of a breakup on my relationship with mine. My wife is a really good person and is liked by all.

Ask yourself a question and be truthful in your answer to yourself. Im not asking you to post your answer here.
Is the reason you have held on for 5 years because of what other people will think?

Or is it because you love your wife ?

Or is it because 5 years is so much time invested in someone ?

I really hope you find happiness and she does too and if she doesnt with your - the person she married - i fear she may not ever

Also I know of a similiar couple going out 8 years - not married but living together in a house they bought together, in their 30s, the woman is revolted by the thoughts of sex.
In my unqualified opinion i think it may stem from her parents rocky relationship and how it affects her

cjr

Deleted User wrote:

Ask yourself a question and be truthful in your answer to yourself. Im not asking you to post your answer here.
Is the reason you have held on for 5 years because of what other people will think?

Or is it because you love your wife ?

Or is it because 5 years is so much time invested in someone ?

I really hope you find happiness and she does too and if she doesnt with your - the person she married - i fear she may not ever

This is a good point.

If you love her, give her an ultimatum or deadline. Not for sex, but to acknwledge the problem, and take some step towards addressing it, whether that is counselling, or just telling you exactly why she does not want to be intimate with you. If she does not try to resolve a problem that is obviously bothering you, she is not being fair to you. You have given her plenty of time to become comfortable on her own terms. Sex is less of an issue than the fact that she won't tell you why she does not want to be with you.

If you don't love her, you will not be happy spending the rest of your life in this marriage. Move on, don't worry what the family think.

I hope it works out well for you whatever course this takes.