Bisexuality, topic- isolation

Mawg

I'd like to raise some issues about bisexuality. I'm bisexual myself, but have only "come out" to myself, or admitted it to myself quite recently. So I decided to go out and meet more lesbian/bisexual women to talk to and ask advice about the subject.

You'd think, being attracted to both genders, that bisexuals would have it easy, they'd have a really wide choice in people to hook up with (for both flings and relationships), but I've actually found it to be quite the opposite.

Aswell as being the subject of homophobia, I find that bisexuals tend to be rather segregated from other lesbian women and straight men too. I heard first hand from a few of my lesbian friends that they would choose a lesbian over a bisexual because they'd be afraid that they wouldn't live up to the sexual standards that men provide. Men too, as they get older (and especially if they've had experience with a bisexual girl) tend to sway towards straight women, as they're afraid of the same thing.

In my (relatively short) experience, bisexual women are socially and sexually isolated from other members of both the gay and straight communities. (I haven't discussed this with any gay/bi men, but this is going out to them too).

Discuss:

Have any of you Lesbian/bisexual/straight women or men noticed what I'm talking about?

Can any straight/lesbian women relate to what I'm saying?

Do you have a preference over bisexuals/homosexuals?

Boston

You're not wrong. Personally I found "the gay community" in Dublin very segmented and groupie orientated. I vaguely remember something about "The pretty ones" Vs "The older ones" Vs "the disco bunnies" or something like that, with little interaction between them. It's not something specific to being Bi.

But yea, you get all the crap of being Gay and none of the benefits of being considered straight.

People aren't anywhere near as open to bi sexuality as you might at first thing. It will put people off getting involved with you, and here's the kicker, give it enough time it will probably make you think twice about getting involved with Straights and Gays.

Heres some threads 1,2,3 by Bi sexual women and my take on Bisexuality here.

lemonead

just wanna say thanks so much for raising the issue as a bi-sexual woman i sometimes find its hard to find people to identify with or to express my feelings on certain issues. as a bi-sexual woman i find that straight womens reaction tends to be "attention seeker" which i hate, i am in a very stable relationship with a lesbian and when in "straight" bars we are often the victims of women telling us we should be ashamed of ourselves for "putting ourselves on display" and have even been attacked by a girl who was furious with us because unbeknownst to us her boyfriend was paying more attention to us than to her. in general though women seem to think it is a ploy to want to grab the attention of all available men and i cannot state clearly enough that all my partner and i want to do is to express our affection in the same way said girl could with her boyfriend without harassment our intention is not to intrude upon anybody whatso ever.
straight men either think again that its for their attention that two women are so into eachother publicly and take this as an invitation to invite themselves along. otherwise (when i have been single) they have too intimidated by the reputation they feel they would have to live up to which can be frustrating as i don't set standards everyone is different.
gay women are v.wary of us bisexuals as i found out by the reaction of my girlfrieds friends when we got together suspicious mistrusting they see us as using deceitful women who want to use them for cheap thrills to tell their friends they had a lesbian experience!! i understand there are some out there who give us a bad name but what happens when your genuine and can't shirk this stereotype.
then i encounter the gay male who loves to think we're either dykes who cant admit it and want to sit on the fence so we can dip our toes in either side till we find out which is 'easier' or they agree with straight females that we're greedy and just out for all we can get.
i know i sound like an absolute whinge and that no matter what lifestyle anyone lives there are difficulties i just find it difficult sometimes that people can't accept the person that i am without trying to forcwe into confessing what they think i really am denying or in some cases pretending to be. to admit to being anything other than the bisexual female that i am would be living a lie if i were a lesbian i would have no trouble coming out and admitting it and my mother would probably have accepted that easier than she did my bisexuality as even she judged me, and if i were straight i would have no problem admitting that i'd had an experience or two in a period of confusion over my sexuality but was straight, but in truth i've always known and have never been confused or had trouble dealing with the issue as others sometimes describe.
the only problems i've encountered with my sexuality is external and i can to some extent see where people are concerned but i hope that anyone that reads this will think twice and judge a person on their individual merits rather than as a group.



this has been my experience thus far and i hope that it has given you something to read and given you another insight into what you were wondering about.

wade1247

once you put a tag on yourself or others you and or they become a member of some identity, then you are associated or do become involved in the crusade instead of just being you..stop being concerned about petty nothings.live your life and let the drama be played by those who have no life therefore nothing else to do....:)

Nevyn

That is a lot easier said then done.

Mawg

In response to lemonead - yes this is exactly what I've witnessed since I've opened my eyes to bisexuality. I think, out of all associated problems, my personal most hated one is to be called an "attention seeker". I can see that bisexuality has become sort of trendy amongst younger teens these days, and of course attention seeking individuals will jump on the band wagon if they think this is a good way to get their attention fix.

in response to wade - Wow, what an excellent insight. I don't think I'd even considered ignoring what people thought, as this whole situation is new to me. I think I've been looking to the views of others to give me some guidance with my sexuality, so I've really been affected by all of the stereotypes that are flying around out there.

lemonead

yea i know it shouldnt matter and alot of the time it doesnt but i agree with mawg the one that hurts me most is that other ppl consider my actions to be attention seeking. its hurtful and i dont tlk about it an awful lot but i just was so glad to see that someone else was feeling something similar to me that i had to post.

fozzle

Mawg,
First off, have a hug, *hug*.

Secondly, yes indeed I have noticed what you're talking about. I'm "bi" and on a number of occasions I've been accused of just trying to get attention, or just being indescisive. A bar maid in a gay bar in Galway actually told me to get out as I wasn't welcome, apparantly it was only for "proper" gays and lesbians.

As for people staying away, sure, people have said they'd be too unconfortable because they wouldn't provide what ever it was they thought I could get from the other sex that I couldn't from them. Personally, weather a person has a penis or vagina is irrelevant to me, whatever comes with them comes with them, it's the persons character that I want a relationship with. (Though obviously a physical relationship is great. And big tits. ) Another thing I've found, which distresses me rather more, is this belief that bi-sexuals can't be monogamous. Personally, monogamy is part and parcel of a relationship, I know that it's not for everyone, and as long as all involved know and accept then that's fine. But it's the assumption, especially among men that annoys me.

I think i had a great point coming up, but I'm tired and it went away. Sorry. Anyway, at the end of the day, the most important thing is to be comfortable in yourself. When I think of the years of internalised homophobia I could have been spared if I'd just accepted who I am and ignored those who told me that bisexuality was deviant fence sitting I get pretty pissed at myself, but sure, at least I got here.

lemonead

thank you so much for the hug petal.
oh someone who understands my soul is singing today thank you so much
i'm so glad that you can now accept your bisexuality and am glad to be able to discuss these issues with you!
yea the monogamy is another thing ppl just assume we aren't able to handle the idea of being bisexual is not having at least one of each gender at the same time to everyone. i also am in a monogamous commited relationship and have no wish for anything or anyone else to fulfill me and your right the attraction to the person is not their 'equipment' but rather the person that they are that attracts ytou to them and wants to make you have a realtionship with them. like i always say to one of my friends you've gota boyfriend and you're happy with him you look at other guys but your in a relationship and don't want anything other than to look i said i just have a bigger window to look at but i still have no interest in buying lol.
on a more serious note though that treatment in galway was harsh and i would have been the first person on the phone complaining if a 'straight' bar told a gay man or woman to leave on the basis of their sexuality alone there'd be outrage and homophobic accusations flying everywhere!
grrr ppl make me so mad

Mawg

fozzle wrote:

A bar maid in a gay bar in Galway actually told me to get out as I wasn't welcome, apparantly it was only for "proper" gays and lesbians.
at least I got here.

That's really bad. I thought the gay bars in Galway (they're actually the only ones I've been into) were alright. Apparently not. How did you respond to that comment? I know I'd go crazy.

fozzle

I think I just told her not to be a jerk. I was pissed at the time but I got over it. They're usually nice in the bars in Galway though.