Bisexuals, committment and experimentation.

Mawg

Hello one and all. Some more questions from the new bi on the block :rolleyes:

Is it ever ok to experiment with the same sex if you're in a heterosexual relationship?

Situation: A bisexual who is in a relationship with someone of the opposite sex starts feeling comfortable with their sexuality. They crave some same-sex experience night and day, but at the same time they are in a loving heterosexual relationship. They know that these urges will eventually spell the end for their relationship if they don't satisfy them somehow.

Is it ever ok for said bisexual to experiment with the same sex while in a relationship?

Does this count as "cheating"?

If you were in a relationship with a recently-out bi, would you be ok with them experimenting?

Do you think it would be better to split the relationship up for this purpose?

Something I've been chatting about alot recently. All opinions welcome

Boston

Ah the age old "Should I cheat if I really want to". I don't know, all depends how self absorbed the person is to put their desires so totally ahead of their partners feelings

Mawg

Well is it wrong, even if the partner is consenting?

(I'm just trying to get a feel for what the general consensus is on this topic as a whole)

Boston

How is that cheating?

Cake Fiend

Mawg wrote:

Does this count as "cheating"?

Yes. (Why wouldn't it?)

Mawg wrote:

Well is it wrong, even if the partner is consenting?

No.

Mawg

I don't think you get me here.

I'm just wondering if people are ok with the whole notion of experimenting while in a relationship. Maybe I shouldn't have mentioned the word cheating at all.

Boston

What does it matter what other people think? Surely that's the type of thing for those in the actual relationship to decide. If both agree, then it's fine, if not, then it isn't. Polygamy is a perfectly valid relationship choice.

If you're asked if Bi-Sexuals should stick to one gender at a time, I don't see really how it's anybodies business bar those directly involved.

On a personal level I think I could be in a Polygamous relationship of equal partners but I know I could never be in a situation where the person I was going out with just picked up people for sex. If you're idea of experimentation is a couple different partners and cycling through them, and unless he's doing the same, don't expect too positive a response.

TBH You seem overly concerned with the opinions of others. This is all very new to you, if you want to experiment talk about it to your partner, he might be OK with it. Though I can imagine him being reluctant to go down a road when he has no idea where it will lead (and really at this point in time neither do you). At the moment it's lust, but you're Bi-Sexual, usually that means there's emotional element to this, what happens if you fall in love with someone you're experimenting with.

imonboards

Is it ever ok to experiment with the same sex if you're in a heterosexual relationship?

by definition no. because as soon as you start experimenting you are no longer a hetrosexual, you are in a bi - hetro relationship


Situation: A bisexual who is in a relationship with someone of the opposite sex starts feeling comfortable with their sexuality. They crave some same-sex experience night and day, but at the same time they are in a loving heterosexual relationship. They know that these urges will eventually spell the end for their relationship if they don't satisfy them somehow.

IMO it wouldn't matter if you were in a gay relationship and suddenly started fantasizing and needing oposite sex, sex...

If you feel not having sex with to whom you are attracted could damage your relationship then how on earth do you think once you have done it once your not going to want it again.. and again....

Ask yourself is your partner thinking that they 'need' to have sex with someone else? If they did - would you consider your relationship to be 'strong'.

If your partner doesnt mind then fair do's - but I think generally most people consider monogomy to be the defining part of a 'realtionship'


Is it ever ok for said bisexual to experiment with the same sex while in a relationship?

Does this count as "cheating"?

If you were in a relationship with a recently-out bi, would you be ok with them experimenting?

To me it would be cheating, and no I would not want them experimenting. I do not concieve of any scenario for myself where that sleeping around would strengthen my relationship

Do you think it would be better to split the relationship up for this purpose?


As hard as it is, and upsetting as splitting up would be. I would have to say yes. If i was in either position I would want my partner to deserve the relationship they want, deserve.

And if I was fantasising and feeling this real need about different sex, then I dont think my partner deserves to be treated like that, or should have to deal with it, just because I am.


I guess I'm fairly old fashioned regardless of being gay. But if my partner decided they wanted to sleep with women tommorow, I would not consider myself to be in the loving relationship I need.

And in that case / scenario I'd rather it was ended so that I could find a man who loved only me / desired only me as much as I did to they.

claire h

Mawg wrote:

Does this count as "cheating"?

Unless you're in an open relationship, then, yes. In the same way that fooling around with someone of the opposite sex would be cheating. If you're not prepared to look at those two things in the same way, then that's not bisexuality, it's seeing same-sex interaction as somehow lesser than opposite-sex relations and thus as 'not really counting'.

Stark

Mawg wrote:

I don't think you get me here.

I'm just wondering if people are ok with the whole notion of experimenting while in a relationship. Maybe I shouldn't have mentioned the word cheating at all.

What Boston said.

It doesn't matter a damn what we think, we're not the ones going out with you. What matters is what your partner thinks.

MicraBoy

My opinion is cheating is cheating. Sexuality is totally irrelevant. Experimentation is a euphemism to make yourself feel better.

Well is it wrong, even if the partner is consenting?

Well may be not wrong. Just f*cked up. (IMHO)

Boston

MicraBoy wrote:

My opinion is cheating is cheating. Sexuality is totally irrelevant. Experimentation is a euphemism to make yourself feel better.

Well may be not wrong. Just f*cked up. (IMHO)

Alot of relationships have "agreements" based on third parties.

MicraBoy

Alot of relationships have "agreements" based on third parties.

Some may be, but a lot? I doubt it.

And like I said (to me) that's just messed up. Call me an old romantic.

the_syco

Mawg wrote:

I don't think you get me here.

I'm just wondering if people are ok with the whole notion of experimenting while in a relationship. Maybe I shouldn't have mentioned the word cheating at all.

Erm, cheating means going out with someone else, while in a realtionship with someone. If you want to "try it", suggest a threesome, as you'll be including your partner, but also getting it on with a 3rd party. But beware, you can't get jealous if the other half decide to also get it on with the 3rd party.

Boston

MicraBoy wrote:

Some may be, but a lot? I doubt it.

And like I said (to me) that's just messed up. Call me an old romantic.

Actually yes it's hard to say alot, but I have noticed it.

Boston

Ok Past the debate on the morality issues. Some advice for the OP and all those that maybe in a similar situation.

When you first make a new realisation about your sexuality, like discovering you're Bi-Sexual it can be an exciting and exhilarating time. There can be the overwhelming desire to try new things and meet new people. Very quickly you can become wrapped up in it all and for awhile your sexuality may very well be at the core of your existence. And you know it's great fun discovering new things about yourself and experiencing new sensations. Doing things a few months earlier you never thought you would, or didn't even know the name of ;

However people (and I include myself in this) do some very stupid and short sighted things during this period. Throw about relationships with friends and lovers, and generally make mistakes that when all the fun and hype settles are hard to recover from. At the moment you think that the way you feel about things now will never change, but change is the only certainty there is. Sooner or later you'll be finished your experimentation in this regard and you may very well find yourself longing for the relationship you have now.

Thats not to say that you should let fear and doubt cripple you, just don't be thinking there is no choice here, and don't go burning too many bridges.

kyenne

Boston wrote:

Alot of relationships have "agreements" based on third parties.

Yes, but these are "agreements", not wanting to go to bed eith someone else and hidinnd behind "It's-an-experiment-and-I'm-just-exploring-my-sexuality".


Yes, it's cheating unless you arrange a threesome or unless you BOTH (you and your partner) believe in polyfidelity.
Yes, it is wrong because the unfair is always wrong.

Besides, I thought that being bisexual is about being attracted to both sees and not determined to score both, forgive my lg. I discovered I was bisexual when I was in a relationship, but I didn't even think of doing anything while it was still working well. Then we broke up (over sth completely unrelated to my sexuality) and only then I got a girlfriend. I'm with a person, not with this person's sex, after all.

Unless you love the relationship, not the person. Then go ahead and break up, just don't cheat. Nothing's more pathetic than cheating, IMHO.

MicraBoy

However people (and I include myself in this) do some very stupid and short sighted things during this period. Throw about relationships with friends and lovers, and generally make mistakes that when all the fun and hype settles are hard to recover from. At the moment you think that the way you feel about things now will never change, but change is the only certainty there is. Sooner or later you'll be finished your experimentation in this regard and you may very well find yourself longing for the relationship you have now.

Hear hear!

Besides, I thought that being bisexual is about being attracted to both sees and not determined to score both, forgive my lg. I discovered I was bisexual when I was in a relationship, but I didn't even think of doing anything while it was still working well. Then we broke up (over sth completely unrelated to my sexuality) and only then I got a girlfriend. I'm with a person, not with this person's sex, after all.

And erm...hear hear! I agree with the principal, but as Boston says sometimes you don't do the right thing.

kyenne

MicraBoy wrote:

I agree with the principal, but as Boston says sometimes you don't do the right thing.

Certainly! I didn't mean for this to sound as if I only did the right things. I came within a whisker of cheating on my partner once, and it was, in my opinion, pathetic. That's why I wrote so. But there's a difference between a mistake, an accident or whatever you may want to call it, and deliberate venturing out to seek some "experimental" experience. This is just what I believe, it is a rule of mine.

Mawg

Boston wrote:

What does it matter what other people think? Surely that's the type of thing for those in the actual relationship to decide. If both agree, then it's fine, if not, then it isn't.

TBH You seem overly concerned with the opinions of others. .

I didn't say that this situation was in relation to me or my life at all. I'm really just curious as to what peoples views are on this type of situation. Don't take anything I say as being specific or personal to me, I would always discuss those things with my partner and friends rather than on a board.

Mawg

Boston wrote:

Ok Past the debate on the morality issues. Some advice for the OP and all those that maybe in a similar situation.

When you first make a new realisation about your sexuality, like discovering you're Bi-Sexual it can be an exciting and exhilarating time. There can be the overwhelming desire to try new things and meet new people. Very quickly you can become wrapped up in it all and for awhile your sexuality may very well be at the core of your existence. And you know it's great fun discovering new things about yourself and experiencing new sensations. Doing things a few months earlier you never thought you would, or didn't even know the name of ;

However people (and I include myself in this) do some very stupid and short sighted things during this period. Throw about relationships with friends and lovers, and generally make mistakes that when all the fun and hype settles are hard to recover from. At the moment you think that the way you feel about things now will never change, but change is the only certainty there is. Sooner or later you'll be finished your experimentation in this regard and you may very well find yourself longing for the relationship you have now.

Thats not to say that you should let fear and doubt cripple you, just don't be thinking there is no choice here, and don't go burning too many bridges.

A very insightful point of view.

Mawg

This is where I got this notion in my head, it's a radio show with a bisexual woman, just raising awareness on the subject. She mentions what I am asking about.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=4vqpFo5yBvs

LegacyUser

This has come up quite recently in my own relationship.

I've always suspected my partner may have 'experimented' as probably have we all (due to some preferences he has displayed during sex). He only recently confirmed this and i was happy he confided in me and was quite turned on by it. He insists he is not bi, however he would be quite willing to participate in same sex relations to a degree (em to please me lol).

The only thing i said to him was that if he was bi, it changes nothing between us. We are in a monogamous relationship with a family and nothing/no-one will come between us. We did discuss experimenting but Neither of us are willing to risk ruining the relationship by involving someone else in it, even by consent. I love him, i couldnt bring myself to touch someone else in that way, the way i do him, and he feels the same.

If its consenting its not cheating, but some people just cant handle the aftermath, particularly if they are insecure. Once the deed is done and things die down, the other partner may feel hurt, jealous, unattractive and unloved because their partner made love to someone else or even wanted to. ut i guess that depends on the relationship itself too.