your opinion of these lyrics

student123

In a coffee shop
two blocks east of broadway
she sits by the jukebox
while he makes a choice
he chooses tom waits
"this one's from the heart"
then he sits down to coffee
and waits for his song to start

its rainin' hard outside
and the coffee shops fillin' up
they say nothing for a moment
they both know their breaking up

she looks up from the table
and he sees the past in her eyes
she tries to say one word
but then she starts to cry

finding nothing to say
he takes is jacket and leaves
but drops a note on the table
and then takes to the streets
he stops by the window
to watch her read the note
and tear falls from his eye
as he lets her heart go

I'm open to all criticism, say what you like or dislike it
and I am open to suggections of where to go from here

It wasn't me!

I kinda got a cool vibe of soft jazz and William Shatner reciting it on first read, take from that all the compliment you want. Though I will say the rhyme is a little simplistic for that.

Paligulus

I really like this. I always respect when people write in a very simple and direct way and try and tell a story. Its all too easy write really vague lyrics that sound really profound but really mean nothing ( well from personal experiance!!!).

The only gripe I had was with the first 2 lines. For me there was no need to set it in New York, unless you live there of course!!! Seems kind of cliched to me. I liked the rest though,

Dave

Frankiestylee

I'm with Dave on the first two lines, they instantly made me think it was going to be a cliched monster and I wasn't looking forward to the rest. If of course you're American or that's where this story happened, then rock n roll, but you might try and be a bit obscure with it, New York is very broad and just calls too much to mind, it's a cluttered image. Whereas if you picked lets say a local name for the place or maybe the shop... if it's listened to by people from there then they'll get the right idea, if not then the rest of the song will create the vibe.

I quite like it though. Some of the lines are perhaps a bit too long when compared with others, I can see the rhythm getting a bit unnatural at times.

Still rockin' though, I don't think it's too simplistic at all, I'm a firm believer in tellling a story in an enjoyable way. If you need to put in certain subleties and nuances then you can do it in the emotion in your voice or in the rhythm. Imagine starting the tempo slow and then picking it up with the emotion, it might be effective yet doesn't show in the lyrics.

Maccattack

i would change one or two things:

student123 wrote:

while he makes a choice
he chooses tom waits

if you say it on its own it sounds like babble. You can do better than that.

student123 wrote:

its rainin' hard outside
and the coffee shops fillin' up
they say nothing for a moment
they both know their breaking up

depending on the phrasing i would drop the word 'both'. its unneccessary

student123 wrote:

she looks up from the table
and he sees the past in her eyes
she tries to say one word
but then she starts to cry

How about:
she looks up from the table
he sees the past in her eyes (drop the 'and')
she struggles for the words
but all she can do is cry

student123 wrote:

finding nothing to say
he takes is jacket and leaves
but drops a note on the table
and then takes to the streets

Nothing left to say
picking up his jacket to leave
he drops a note on the table
before taking to the street

student123 wrote:

he stops by the window
to watch her read the note
and tear falls from his eye
as he lets her heart go

he hasnt let her heart go. she still wants him.


Stopping at the window
he watches her read his note
tears well up in his eyes
its hard to let her go

TelePaul

Any song with a Tom Waits reference is a good song.

student123

thanks, for the response, it really helped