Let me tell you a story and you get to help me if you want!

Benassi

WARNING

Extremely long post ahead please take the time to read it all (if you can) and then post your opinion, thoughts, suggestions and what have you please, everything will help.

Also this post contains some light descriptions of some fantasies I had I hope they are not too graphic, if they are discreetly drop me a pm and they'll be gone, but I think I'm on safe ground haha!

Here we go, first let me tell you that I am a 21 year old virgin man, not for religious matters but by choice and because I'm not comfortable with my own body, I am a bit fat (I'm like 230) and have a whole lot of insecurities there, but this is not what this post is about.

With that out of the way let me go on.

I don't know whether I'm bi or straight, that's pretty much the doubt here, I absolutely love women, I would do everything there is to do and more with them, there is not a part of them that I don't love, so I'm not gay, I was kind of repulsed by men in the past, for many years I didn't even consider men as sexual partners, later while watching porn (I watched a lot of porn!) without realizing it I was more exited when the male penis was shown and enjoyed watching blow job videos, I didn't even notice it or thought it was wrong

Later I begun fantasizing about blowing some of those men, but I could just imagine that if they were faceless dudes, whenever I tried tagging a face to them (be it a celebrity or a friend or even a stranger) I got uncomfortable and lost my excitement.

As time passed I became more "insatiable" with my masturbation, I masturbated in unusual places, like inside a closet, or in the kitchen or even while talking on the phone, and later when those options bored me, I begun wondering, "what if I were to put something in my butt?" so I started searching for stuff, and very original of me came up with tool handles and toothbrushes, it felt awesome, then that mixed with my "blowing a man" fantasy and was pretty comfortable with that, I enjoyed very very much! those were fun times!

Anyway that grew old and of course so was my porn, while searching for new, I came across with a transsexual video, Oh my god! it was so weird! a dude with a girls body, or better a girl with a penis! that was everything I loved put into a single person, and that was amazing.

By that time I could put any man's face with the body and do whatever I wanted in my fantasies, except kissing them, just could not do that, grossed me out, my logical reason is "they will probably have bad breath" so that was not part of it.

Again, as you may guess I wanted new things so I took a leap and got some gay porn, no transsexual nothing, just 2 dudes going at it, and it was fine, I kind of forced myself at first to watch them, well not force but it was kind of awkward, and they started to grow on me, seeing them kiss so much made it kind of cool for me to imagine doing that, but there was a catch, I could only imagine it with random men, not celebrity or friends, and my tranny fixation continued along with the gay one.

Ok more time passed and I started investigating, if my fantasies were gay or bi, because I wanted only to be penetrated and to blow aka: the woman's part of the deal or the "passive", I could not stand imagining penetrating a man, if I could not kiss him how would I do anything else...

I kind of asked that question to many friends "who is more gay if there were levels, the active or the passive?" very helpful they all kind of said "they are both queers and deserve to die!" so I gave it up.

Anyway I kept fantasizing and wondering and masturbating of course! one day very recently I was watching a tv show and saw a man, not a particularly attractive one, no one impressive, Jeff Davis from Whose Line, yeah I know, I don't even like girls that have his style...

Anyway I didn't notice it at first but I started imagining myself kissing him, what a breakthrough was that! in a very short period of time (around 24 hours) I imagined me and him going all the way, and so a new era begun.

I started doing the same with everyone (it's still kind of awkward because this happened very recently) and I kind of would be able to be both active and passive in a gay relationship.

Now here is the climax of the whole story, from day 1 to today, whenever I had the orgasm, all gay fantasies went completely away! no trace at all of that attraction or anything, AND the attraction and excitement with women stayed, its not that I became a non sexual being for those gruesome 5 minutes after orgasm until you are ready to go at it again, my attraction to women kept going on during and after orgasm, and I did include them very often in my fantasies they weren't man exclusive, but they are the main point of the post, so I hope it doesn't confuse you.

And there is the other belief that lots of people have "you are not gay or bi until you have sex with a man" which I don't believe.

Other thought might be that the porn "perverted" me but that would mean that being gay is wrong or evil, which is just silly.

I am kind of convincing myself that it is a good idea to "come out" in a way, because I may get a lot of feedback and maybe even finally get laid, (with a girl the first time yeah!) and then to fulfill my other fantasies! safely of course! ha!

But in the other hand is all the judgment and well you know better than me what I mean, for starters my father would get really crazy if I came out, even as a bi, so maybe he will never know.

But my friends and other open minded people might help, and of course what's easier than strangers to be the first to know and help!

Sorry for the long ass post but I wanted to be very detailed about the whole situation, I'm sure I left out some stuff but I will post them when I remember them.

So please help me and just let yourself go with ideas I will appreciate every word you have to say. If you have a situation similar to mine, cool! maybe we can chat over msn and share experiences and what not!

Or post links to similar discussions, anything at all, I would also like to "measure" my sexuality if that makes sense, any kind of information will do.

Thank you so much in advance and go get yourself some air, after reading this post you might need it!

rainbow kirby

I would also like to "measure" my sexuality if that makes sense, any kind of information will do.

Kinsey scale

Boston

You seem very into your taboos and breaking them. I think thats more of a factor in your sexuality then being Bi or straight. Also,porn isn't real, its fake, you shouldn't for your own sake get too wrapped up in the stuff and start identifying with it. Real life sexual relationships tend not to be like that, though there are expections.

Should you come out? if you want. You're abetter judge of how people will react then any of us.

Acid_Violet

I recommend not categorising yourself, personally I never would, but at least don't do it yet. If you like men and want a sexual relationship with men than that's that. Same regarding women. I do, however, reckon you don't properly know untill you tried it. I'm not saying for one second that 'you're not gay/bi/straight unless you've had sex with a man/woman', just fantasies are things in our minds and reality can be a different issue.

Benassi

hey thanks a lot for your input I guess its true, I don't have to place a tag on myself, tho when you do have one its kind of your safety pillow you know what I mean?

example "oh its ok to have this or those thoughts, I'm gay!" if you don't have that you get all the responsibility in a way and because you are nothing in particular there are no "easy explanations"

On the whole porn thing, yeah I know its evil... but cool! haha I did use to watch a lot of it, not anymore, only when I'm in that "special mood" haha! I mainly masturbate without it, but I have to thank it, I believe it kind of morphed me and helped me destroy my "gross" barriers, so it was very good in a way, at least I was smart enugh to realize when reality stops, even when I haven't had a sexual relation, you just have to know that's not the way it goes! ha

alright thanks again and keep those comments flowing I'm dying to know your opinions!

ps about the Kinsey scale I knew about it, I guess I'm a 2 but I was hoping for something more thorough, and up to date you know? thanks for the link though.

imonboards

Until you have actually acted on any sexual intercourse with a member of the same sex, then I dont think you should clasify yourself as anything just yet. In fact why bother classifying yourself as anything anyway.

But certainly 'outing' yourself as a gay / bi man when you havent had sex with a man is a big mistake. In fact it reminds me of that episode of Little Britain, where Welsh David goes for the HIV test and when asked how many partners he's had - he admits to having none.

Dont classify yourself prematurely. If in time you feel you need to take your desires into 'real' experimentation, then I'm sure you will 'know' when the time is right. If ever...

Boston

imonboards wrote:

Until you have actually acted on any sexual intercourse with a member of the same sex, then I dont think you should clasify yourself as anything just yet. In fact why bother classifying yourself as anything anyway.

But certainly 'outing' yourself as a gay / bi man when you havent had sex with a man is a big mistake. In fact it reminds me of that episode of Little Britain, where Welsh David goes for the HIV test and when asked how many partners he's had - he admits to having none.

Dont classify yourself prematurely. If in time you feel you need to take your desires into 'real' experimentation, then I'm sure you will 'know' when the time is right. If ever...

Meh, if you know you know. I told the first person several months before my first sexual encounter.

imonboards

Boston wrote:

Meh, if you know you know. I told the first person several months before my first sexual encounter.

Exactly.. IF you know.

I knew I was gay from about 11, I have never found women sexually attractive.

However Benassi isn't in that position. For him to out himself when he doesnt even know if he could go all the way in reality with another guy, does seem premature.

Boston

Cannot advise someone we've never met on whether or not they should come out. Just that, if you know, then really sexua; activity isn't going to change anything.

Benassi

I am inclined to agree with both of you.

I am not in the belief that its just a phase and I will "grow out" of it, I think that if it's there is ther for good.

But in the other hand it might be premature to out myself as bi if I may discover that my attraction is only a fantasy, and I get myself into a situation where I may not be able to be in control due that I won't be bi

If that makes any sense at all I know I'm not that confused haha!

And yes I want to believe that I don't need to have intercourse to decide whether I'm this or that but like it was said before, as of right now I'm nothing so it does not matter!

Anyway another question that is brought to mind is "how do I get myself into a situation of experimentation" should I search for it and risk whatever, or should I jsut wait for it to happen and take the chance?

I mean its not like I'm going to ask guys to masturbate me or anything but my question is how does those situations happen generally? drunk?

I dunno any help on that would be greatly appreciated too.

imonboards

Benassi wrote:

I mean its not like I'm going to ask guys to masturbate me or anything but my question is how does those situations happen generally? drunk?

I dunno any help on that would be greatly appreciated too.

LOL. I know what you mean, I almost did that when I was about 18 I guess. I was on the bus and there was a fella giving me what I thought were obvious come-on signals, so anyway when we both got off - I asked if "he wanted to go for a coffee or anything else?" and he looked mortified.... I had read the signs completely wrong. I almost died.

It's very hard these days to know, heck at the rate I'm getting any these days I'm not one to offer much advice that way.

bico

Benassi
The order of emotions you describe reminds me of what I went through , when I began to realise I was gay.It started with finding one aspect of men sexually attractive and systematically adding to it ,untill the pendulum swung to a point where I realised that the way I felt about men was different to the way I feel about woman.
and in my case it hasn't swung back again.