Funniest TD?

Diarmsquid

A few months back I emailed all the TD's and asked them their funniest joke. These are the replies I got. I kinda forgot to post them, but election time has reminded me again. So who do you think is the funniest? Who'll get your vote?:D

Martin Ferris – Sinn Féin – Kerry North

A guy is driving around Dublin and he sees a sign in front of a house:


"Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is
in the backyard.


The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yes," the Lab replies.

"So, what's the story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was
pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Gardai about my
gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country,
sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog
would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight
years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any
younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to
do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and
listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.

I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the
dog.

"Ten euro," the man says.

"Ten euro? This dog is amazin'. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that ****e."


Joan Burton – Labour party – Dublin West

"The person who laughs last hasn't got the joke!"




Ned O’Keefe – Fianna Fáil – Cork East

A man at his driving test is shown a picture of a road with one continuous white line in the centre and asked what "does this white continuous line mean".
The man answered "you cannot pass out at all". OK said the tester and showed the man another picture of a road with two continuous white lines in the centre
and asked what do these two lines mean". The man said "you cannot pass out at all, at all, at all".

Mildred Fox – Independent - Wicklow

Married couple in their sixties are visited by a fairy who grants them both
a wish. I want to travel around the world with my darling husband said the
wife, and magically two tickets for a luxury cruise appeared in her hand.
The husband says, sorry love but my wish is to have a wife thirty years
younger than me. So the fairy waves her magic wand, and the husband became
92. Moral of the story, men who are ungrateful b%&*s, should remember that
fairies are female.

James Breen – Independent – Clare

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the
bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's shed. The old farmer
got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried
the politicians. A few days later, the guards came out and saw the crashed
bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old
farmer told him he had buried them. The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Dear
God, were they ALL dead?" The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they
weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

John Gormely – Green Party – Dublin South East

A daddy polar bear is out with his son, trying to catch fish for dinner that
evening. The son asks his father: "Dad, are you sure I'm a polar bear?"
The father answers: "Yes, son, of course you're a polar bear." They
continue fishing in silence. After a short while, the son asks his father
again: "Dad – are you positive I'm a polar bear?" Once again, the father
replies: "Yes son – you are definitely a polar bear". More time is spent
fishing in silence. Eventually the son asks his father: "Dad?" "Yes, son?"
"Are you certain positive I'm a polar bear?" The exasperated father says:
"Look, son. Your mammy is a polar bear! I'm a polar bear! Of course
you're a polar bear – why on earth wouldn't you be one as well?" The son
replies: "If you say I'm one, then I suppose I must be – but, if I am, then
why am I f-f-f-flippin' f-f-f-freezing?".




Finian McGrath – Independent – Dublin North Central

'Wayne Rooney been told that he can play in the World Cup if he gets a
cotizone injection. David Beckham said, "If that fellow is having a new
car, then so am I".

Eglinton

Martin Ferris – Sinn Féin – Kerry North

Martin Ferris - "Hey is that a mars bar in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"

Garda - "No, it's a breathiliser."

Martin Ferris - "Oh!"

Hitchhiker's Guide to...

Ferris FTW!