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The New Capitalist Bible

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  • 14-05-2007 4:34pm
    #1
    democrates
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,046 ✭✭✭


    Since the fall of the Berlin wall no intelligent person denies that Capitalism has won, proving it is right and the will of God. As the capitalist ethos stems from the biblical parable where the master rewards the servant who made a profit and variously punishes the two gob****es who did not, it's worth re-interpreting other religious texts in light of the true status of the profit parable. Here's a start:


    The Ten Commandments

    1. I am the Lord thy God
    And so is greed, greed is good, keep repeating

    2. Though shalt have no false Gods before me
    Except for greed. Greed is good.

    3. Remember to keep holy the sabbath day
    Show your faith by trading for profit

    4. Honour thy father and thy mother
    At least when they're listening.
    Keep them sweet to secure a fat inheritance

    5. Thou shalt not kill
    Unless it's very profitable and you can get away with it
    Cost in the loss of their labour and consumption to your market

    6. Thou shalt not commit adultery
    But if you can get away with it, treat yourself, you're worth it
    Remember, free sex is a form of profit

    7. Though shalt not steal
    Can you get away with it? Really there's often no need,
    be a righteous capitalist and grab more than you could ever use

    8. Though shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour
    Unless you can profit or bed his wife, preferably both

    9. Though shalt not covet thy neighbours wife
    For long, move quickly to seduce and bed her
    Also consider his daughters while you're at it

    10. Though shalt not covet thy neighbours goods
    Set him up to get caught with a hooker,
    then seduce his wife to gain the use of his goods.
    And bed his wife and daughters together,
    see if you can get them to pay for it


    If you have two coats and your brother has none...
    Rent one coat to him at a high weekly amount. When this brings him to his knees financially you'll be able to snap up his assets for a song and have him work for you for the rest of his days. God will reward you for providing a solution. Learn best practice from loan sharks and western corporations in the third world.


    Now it's up to you to live in accordance with the new gospel. Repeat, greed is good, be as selfish as possible, idolise yourself, never share or give, and last but not least, love products and use other people (we've had that backwards for far too long). You're not alone in this, consider this small sample of tv ads in the vanguard of the Holy Crusade:

    It's not Terrys, it's mine (join the fight against bulimia)

    It's not your wadi, it's mi-wadi (that's the spirit kid)

    There's motherly love, and there's Mueller love (feck your kids, gorge yourSELF)

    Kellogs crunchy-nut, get your own (or else)

    Love Boots (we do, we do!)

    Hey Debbie, wanna go boogie woogie?

    That last one really hits the nail on the head for me. Hell no is the answer disco nerd, why should Debbie relate to a stinking human when she can stay home alone in her apartment with a Product! Think about it! That's all she needs, profits and products, it's right there in the bible.

    If you're reading this and thinking, "well look at those ads, it's all in hand", be warned, greed and selfishness are always under threat, the price of greed is eternal vigilance. Scare-mongering? Then explain Bob Geldof and Bono. Exactly, if those two idiots, those satans glove-puppets with there caring sharing, tree-hugging, fairtrade, organic, teach the world to sing, stupid stupid idiot airhead gob****ery and crap hair got their way it could mean LESS FOR YOU.

    Don't let them do it to us people, we don't have to take it any more. The rot has to stop. What's needed here is a serious escalation against commie resistance with it's penchant for social engineering. The answer as you've probably guessed, is much more anti-social engineering, like those tv ads. Spread the word, charge for it if you can, and beprofit yourself for eternal salvation in the big market in the sky. Kill the enemy, shag his wife and virgin daughters, and Hallowed be thy Gain!

    Copyright 2007 Selfishgit Inc.
    If you have read this post you owe me, one million dollars! (mwaha &c)


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