Science Jokes

mathew

Two atoms are walking down the street.
Says one atom to the other, "Hey! I think I lost an electron!"
The other says, "Are you sure??"
"Yes, I'm positive!"

A neutron walks into a restaurant and orders a couple of cokes. As she is about to leave, she asks the waiter how much she owes. The waiter replies, "For you, No Charge!!!"

A small piece of ice which lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner. "Bunsen! my flame! I melt whenever I see you" said the ice. The Bunsen burner replied :"It's just a phase you're going through".

Why did the white bear dissolve in water? Because it was polar.

What do you call a tooth in a glass of water? A one molar solution.

What do you do with a dead chemists? Barium

What weapon can you make from the elements potassium, nickel and iron? A KNiFe.

What did one titration tell the other? Let's meet at the endpoint.

How many moles are in a guacamole? Avocado's number.

What kind of ghosts haunt chemistry faculties? Methylated spirits.

If H20 is water what is H204? Drinking, bathing, washing, swimming. . .

According to a chemist, why is the world so diverse? Because it's made up of alkynes of people.

What's the difference between Chemistry and cooking? In Chemistry, you should never lick the spoon.

A group of organic molecules were having a party, when a group of robbers broke into the room and stole all of the guest's joules. A tall, strong man, armed with a machine gun came into the room and killed the robbers one by one. The guests were very grateful to this man, and they wanted to know who he was. He replied: My name is BOND, Covalent Bond.

A physicist, biologist and a chemist were going to the ocean for the first time.
The physicist saw the ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves and walked into the ocean. Obviously he was drowned and never returned.
The biologist said he wanted to do research on the flora and fauna inside the ocean and walked inside the ocean. He too, never returned.
The chemist waited for a long time and afterwards, wrote the observation, "The physicist and the biologist are soluble in ocean water".

darkskol

mathew wrote:

Why did the white bear dissolve in water? Because it was polar.

*groan*

Steoob

love the neutron one i laughed for like 10 minutes... man im sad

Feral Mutant

I can't believe I'm linking to this site in the humour forum but just ignore the boring explanations and there's a lot of funny there.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mathematical_joke

Goodluck2me

Feral Mutant wrote:

I can't believe I'm linking to this site in the humour forum but just ignore the boring explanations and there's a lot of funny there.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mathematical_joke

there are 3 types of people in this world those can count and those that cant.

there are 10 types of people in this world, those who understand binary and those who dont.

Jimoslimos

oh groan! Don't know what's worse, these jokes or the fact that I find them mildly amusing:o

AlmightyCushion

Jimoslimos wrote:

oh groan! Don't know what's worse, these jokes or the fact that I find them mildly amusing:o

Ditto

*Angel*

Probably cause i'm engineer but hee hee.

Sofaspud

I was going to tell this one, but it was on the Wikipedia page.

Three statisticians go duck hunting. Their dog chases out a duck and it starts to fly. The first statistician aims and takes his shot, it misses a foot too high. The second statistician aims and takes his shot, it misses a foot too low. The third statistician says, "We got him!"

And a couple of numerical jokes:

Why do geeks always confuse Halloween and Christmas?

Because OCT 31 = DEC 25

And nobody I told, including a college lecturer, got this one:

3x12 = 36
2x12 = 24
1x12 = 12
0x12 = 18

*Angel*

Sofaspud wrote:

And nobody I told, including a college lecturer, got this one:

3x12 = 36
2x12 = 24
1x12 = 12
0x12 = 18

Do tell I was thinking binary but no

nastysimon

*Angel* wrote:

Do tell I was thinking binary but no

Hexadecimal.

dohouch

Three engineers in a car, electrical, chemical, and computer. The car breaks down.
Solutions: Chemical one says " There's water in the petrol, it can't burn.
Electrical one sys: " There's no spark, thats why it's not running.
Computer one says: " Let's all get out close the doors, then get back in again and it should work

Victor

Sofaspud wrote:

Why do geeks always confuse Halloween and Christmas?

Because OCT 31 = DEC 25

And nobody I told, including a college lecturer, got this one:

3x12 = 36
2x12 = 24
1x12 = 12
0x12 = 18

Explain.

Sofaspud

Victor wrote:

Explain.

First one: Counting systems. Octal (oct) counts using 8 digits, 0 - 7, and Decimal (dec, the commonly used counting system) uses 10, 0 - 9. 31 in Octal is the same as 25 in Decimal, and this looks like october and december, making an utterly hilarious play on words.

Second one: Hexadecimal, counting system using 16 digits, 0-9 then a-f, and 0x is a symbol meaning that whatever follows it is a hexadecimal number, so 0x12 = 18, because hexadecimal 12 is equal to decimal 18.

Yes, I found these hilarious when I first heard them. Seriously.

Sam Vimes

there's a plane flying in from poland when they go through some bad turbulence. the pilot says over the intercom "we're experiencing some instability. could all the poles please move to the left side of the plane"





anyone get it?

AlmightyCushion

dohouch wrote:

Computer one says: " Let's all get out close the doors, then get back in again and it should work

Ha ha ha. That always works.:D

Jimoslimos

dohouch wrote:

Computer one says: " Let's all get out close the doors, then get back in again and it should work

Should that not be "close the windows";)

AlmightyCushion

From the simpsons
Out with the old and in with the nucleus

8k2q1gfcz9s5d4

Q: What did one uranium-238 nucleus say to the other?
A: "Gotta split!"

Stabshauptmann

Commander Vimes wrote:

there's a plane flying in from poland when they go through some bad turbulence. the pilot says over the intercom "we're experiencing some instability. could all the poles please move to the left side of the plane"





anyone get it?

Sorry to burst your bubble but thats down right obvious compared to Sofaspud's

Sam Vimes

Kaptain Redeye wrote:

Sorry to burst your bubble but thats down right obvious compared to Sofaspud's

well its downright obvious to someone who studied computer control systems or a similar subject. other than that its probably not obvious

johnny_ultimate

Whats on at 9 O'Clock every night on the maths TV station?
The hypotonews.

Sorry.

rugbug86

nerdy chat up lines...

"There must be a rational way to meet a date! I'm tired of hanging out in
those molecular diversity bars, hoping to randomly bump into the right peptide.
I want a molecule that will fit right into my active site and really turn
me on. I'll send you my crystal structure if you send me yours!"

"Mature cell seeks same who still enjoys cycling and won't go apoptotic on
me. Let's fight senescence together!"

"I'm a prolific progenitor with great potential for growth and self-renewal.
Call me if you're a potent hematopoietic factor who still believes in endless
nights of colony stimulation."

"I don't always express myself on the surface, but I'm looking for a signal
that you appreciate my complexity. Send me the right message that will penetrate
my membranes, turn on my protein expression and release my potential energy."


"Some dates have called me a promotor. Others have referred to me as a real
operator. Personally, I think I'm just a cute piece of DNA who is still looking
for that special transcription factor to help me unwind."

"I've been single-stranded too long! Lonely ATGCATG would like to pair up
with congenial TACGTAC."

"Highly sensitive, orally active small molecule seeks stable well-structured
receptor who knows size isn't everything."

"Gene therapy graduate. After years of producing nothing but gibberish, I've
shed my introns and am ready to express my exons. All I need is a cute vector
to introduce me to the right host."

"My RNA, I'm sorry I misread your UAAUAAUAA and inserted three tyrosines
when you repeatedly asked me to stop. Something got lost in the translation.
Please forgive me."

"Naked DNA with sticky ends seeks kanamycin-resistant plasmid. EcoR1 sites
preferred."

"Uninhibited virus seeks reason to make me shed my coat protein."

"This very selective oliogonucleotide has been probing for just the right
target for long term hybridization."

"Menage a trois! Ligand seeks two receptors into binding and mutual phosphorylation.
Let's get together and transduce some signals."

Crucifix

"You make me feel negatively charged, because I'm attracted to your hole"

"You are the square root of the derivative of Tan(c)"

Stabshauptmann

which is?

AlmightyCushion

Kaptain Redeye wrote:

which is?

It's been a while since I've done maths like that but I think it's 1. Must use that some night for the craic.

Crucifix

Kaptain Redeye wrote:

which is?

I was trying to remember the maths off the top of my head, so it might be wrong, but it should be:
Sec (c)

Sam Vimes

AlmightyCushion wrote:

It's been a while since I've done maths like that but I think it's 1. Must use that some night for the craic.

or of course: you are the cos^2(x)+sin^2(x)

Steve_o

The Dead Chemist....lol:D

*Walks out the door grinning and shaking head*

AlmightyCushion

Commander Vimes wrote:

or of course: you are the cos^2(x)+sin^2(x)

:D

Capt'n Midnight

Potassium Ethoxide Rules ! C2H5OK

If you have some time to kill
http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/scijokes/


The larger the sample size (n) the more confident you can be that your
sample mean is a good representation of the population mean. In other
words, the "n" justifies the means.

        PhD
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       |   |
        \ /
         |
         PhD    Paradox



HiHoAg           hi ho silver!!!




     CH3- _    _    _    _ - CH3
        /   \/   \/   \/   \
       |    |    |    |    |
        \ _/ \ _/ \ _/ \ _/
        /  \ /  \ /  \ /  \
       |    |    |    |    |
   CH3- \ _/ \ _/ \ _/ \ _/- CH3


Tetramethylchickenwire



               Fe - Fe
              /       \
             Fe       Fe
              \       /
               Fe - Fe

Ferrous Wheel



        PhD
         |   PhD
        / \ /
       | O |
        \ /

                Orthodox        (ortho - Doc's)
                --------


      MD
       I
      / \
     | O |        Metaphysicians
      \ /\        --------------
          MD


  
         4
         |
        / \
       | O |__4
        \ /

                Metaphor        (meta - 4)

I'm positive that a free electron once stripped me of an electron after
he lepton me. You gotta keep your ion them

What do you call a fruit which is 97% ascorbic acid? A Pauling.


Did you hear about the industrialist who had a huge chloroform spill at his
factory?
His business went insolvent.


How about the chemical workers--are they unionised?


Never call your chem lab equipment nasty names
You might get an angry retort


Heard about the man who poisoned his wife with a razor?
He gave her arse a nick.




A fellow was following a truck in heavy traffic. Every block or so, when
they were stopped at a stop light, the driver of the truck would jump out
of the cab with a big stick and bang on the side of the cargo bay. He'd
then jump back into the cab in time to drive away when the signal changed.

The first fellow observed this for several miles, until he could stand it
no longer. The next time the truck driver jumped out with the stick, the
first fellow jumped out and ran up to him. "I'm sorry to bother you," he
said, over the din of the banging, "but I am very curious; could you tell
me what you are doing?" Without breaking rhythm, the truck driver replied,
"Sure, Mac. Ya see, this here's a six-ton truck but I've got eight tons of
canaries aboard, so I've gotta keep two ton of them flying all the time so
I don't break an axle".
Q: Why does hamburger have lower energy than steak?
A: Because it's in the ground state.