Good quick jokes.

Hagar

So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he
went T'PAU!
I said "Don't you mean KAPOW??
He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best
Before End'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue."
I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle."
The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

So I went in to a pet shop.
I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?"
The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?"
I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby.
They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels."
He said, "You've got cholera."

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.
I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put
it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?"
I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.
I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana."
He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.
She said "Tenpin?"
I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre.
She said, "Are you having me on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have skip
outside my house?".
He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate.
He said, "Nearest the bull goes first".
He went "Baah" and I went "Moo"
He said "You're closest"

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen
on it. I thought "That's Aboriginal".

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd
been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again
to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made
me managing director & I went right off into a tree. The police came
and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar"
I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.
He said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?"
He said, "He's not your type."
I said "How about Batman Forever?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

Sofaspud

I love them all, but still feel a compulsion to slap you across the head.

Hagar

Ha Ha. <ducks>

fred funk }{

Some good one's in there Hagar, gave me a good laugh

cson

Smells suspiciously like that Jimmy Carr comedian......:D

drunk_monk

Hagar these are great lol

Schism

some good ones in there, liked the afraid of lapels one

Wacker

I read a book about an immortal dog.
I couldn't put it down!

stipey

Mostly Tim Vine - the king of the one liners. Holds the world record for the most jokes told in an hour (499 I think).

Steve_o

lol.....:D

darkskol

Nice some goods ones there "closest to the bull"

smashey

I was thinking it was Tommy Cooper.

Example:

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."

Healio

"My mate took two thousand euro out of the bank and lost it, yeah he's not feeling too grand!"

AlmightyCushion

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny you couldn't swing a cat in there.

Ha ha. I bet that would go down a treat

matt-dublin

hagar, you should ban yourself from your own forum for 1 week for that

Q_Ball

Hagar wrote:

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.

Both drivers are said to be safe but shell shocked...

I'm sorry

Steve_o

Q_Ball wrote:

Both drivers are said to be safe but shell shocked...

I'm sorry

Lets get 'im fellas......:D

Hagar

Q_Ball wrote:

Both drivers are said to be safe but shell shocked...

I'm sorry

So you should be.

We have standards here you know. They're low, but they're still standards.

Q_Ball

Hagar wrote:

So you should be.

We have standards here you know. They're low, but they're still standards.

Yeah I noticed the "Mind the standards" sign! Still nearly tripped over them