Your favourite bash.org quotes.

scojones

http://bash.org/?700280

<dauphin> wrath, what do you mean in a sense you're also african?
<wrath> cause i was born here
<dauphin> are you black?
<wrath> no
<GWF> yeah, you arent african wrath
<GWF> if a dog is born in a stable it doesnt make it a horse

Quality.

humanji

I love this one:

#768122 +(884)- [X]
<dez> lol got some hot lesbian thinking im one
<g0dly1> heh, same, actually, just sent her a pic of my ex
<dez> .....
<dez> is your sceenname josihawt190?
<g0dly1> yes
<g0dly1> ****
<dez> oh ****
<g0dly1> we never speak of this to anyone
<dez> agreed

ShowUsYourXbox

#159585 +(229)- [X]

- (JustHalf) #boards != warez?
- (kairo) try #boardz
- (kairo) if it ends in 'z' , its gotta be illegal

Mine is by one of our very own!

http://bash.org/?159585

shrapnel222

this one cracked me up!!!

#765730 +(582)- [X]

<Cell>: i heard tupac was hung like a horse
<Kleptomaniac>: Tupac was shot, he wasn't hung. Read the news sometime.

Dyr

man, is bash still going?? good times, good times...

jeebus> the "bishop" came to our church today
<jeebus> he was a ****en impostor
<jeebus> never once moved diagonally


tag> Ouroboros: lets play Pong
<Ouroboros> Ok.
<tag> | .
<Ouroboros> . |
<tag> | .
<Ouroboros> . |
<tag> | .
<Ouroboros> | .
<Ouroboros> Whoops

Winters

A new one, but an instant favourie:

#768409 +(491)- [X]

<Scotty> Oh my fucking God. I just spent the best 20 dollars of my life. On a bet, anyway.
<Scotty> After school, me and my friends went to the drug store.
<Scotty> And my friend brought a box of condoms to the counter.
<Scotty> And she scanned them.
<Scotty> And he acted like he didn't have enough money.
<Scotty> He was like, "shit, I'll be right back."
<Scotty> So he puts the condoms back, and comes back with a bag of rubber bands in one hand and a box of plastic wrap in the other.
<Scotty> Oh my fucking God
<Scotty> Until the day I die
<Scotty> I will never forget that lady's face.
<DanT> haha
<Scotty> Best bet I've ever lost.

Feral Mutant

So many great ones on bash. Have no record of my favourites though.
Found this one a few days ago

bash.org #21516 wrote:

<turno> I want to **** Michelle's brains out with my huge ****ing cock, over and over again .. and then her sister can come and join us too.
<Seeker> Err turno, your mom reads the quotes on bash.org?
<turno> I'll ****ing KILL YOU! !
<Seeker> Your mom does work for the church ? If she reads what you just said she'd be pretty angry right?
<turno> Dude you have no ****ing clue, don't seriously... you'd be ruining my life.
<Seeker> Don't worry, I won't post it.
[Privmsg] <Seeker> Hey dude, I'm gonna paste something - will you post it on bash.org?
[Privmsg] <opiate> the turno thing? haha you ****ing bastard!!
[Privmsg] <Seeker> hehe his mom's gonna ****ing kill him, drag him to that church they go to and get the priest to sodomise him.
[Privmsg] <opiate> yeah and then he's gonna come ****ing kill us, still I reckon it's worth it;)
[Privmsg] <turno> You're not gonna post it are you ? Please don't .. I'm begging you.
[Privmsg] <Seeker> I'm not gonna post it:) and even if I did she'd never know that your nick turno was her son Michael Savu .
[Privmsg] <turno> *phew* spose you have a point

This one is worth mention because the names are familiar

bash.org #602223 wrote:

(TarAldarion) just a bit shocked that my roommate is pregnant
(Ruu) was it a shock to her also?
(TarAldarion) dunno yet
(TarAldarion) havnt talked to her
(TarAldarion) read her blog

And a few more:
http://www.bash.org/?81916
http://www.bash.org/?675885
http://www.bash.org/?22233

tbh

<DemonEater> wtf
<DemonEater> ESPN is showing 2003 national jump rope championship
<DemonEater> who the hell watches jump rope competiti--- ooh bouncy

Femelade

<Cthon98> hey, if you type in your pw, it will show as stars
<Cthon98> ********* see!
<AzureDiamond> hunter2
<AzureDiamond> doesnt look like stars to me
<Cthon98> <AzureDiamond> *******
<Cthon98> thats what I see
<AzureDiamond> oh, really?
<Cthon98> Absolutely
<AzureDiamond> you can go hunter2 my hunter2-ing hunter2
<AzureDiamond> haha, does that look funny to you?
<Cthon98> lol, yes. See, when YOU type hunter2, it shows to us as *******
<AzureDiamond> thats neat, I didnt know IRC did that
<Cthon98> yep, no matter how many times you type hunter2, it will show to us as *******
<AzureDiamond> awesome!
<AzureDiamond> wait, how do you know my pw?
<Cthon98> er, I just copy pasted YOUR ******'s and it appears to YOU as hunter2 cause its your pw
<AzureDiamond> oh, ok.

Kur4mA

It's in my sig...

scojones

http://bash.org/?474527

Grotw8: whats strong enough for a man but built for a woman?
Grotw8: the back of my hand

CarefulNow

Curt teh Juggler: our graduation ceremony was today, and right when some gamer nerd got his diploma, someone in the audience played the zelda "get item" music and he did the zelda spin-hold-out-item stance
Curt teh Juggler: it was quite possibly the most amazing thing ever.

<+kostya> what means "+" befor my nick?
<@chopra&gt; kostya: it means someone made a mistake

<^head^> A nine year old boy asks his mother, "Is God male or female?"
<^head^> After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well God is both male and female."
<^head^> This confuses the boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"
<^head^> "Well," she says, "God is both black and white."
<^head^> This really confuses the boy, so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"
<^head^> Feeling a bit out of her depth, but wanting to be consistent, the mother answers, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."
<^head^> At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks...
<^head^> "Is Michael Jackson God?"

Good old bash.

dashboard_hula

#376790

Mike3285: wtf is a palindrome
MaroonSand: no its not dude

dulpit

Favourite:

Bambi wrote:

tag> Ouroboros: lets play Pong
<Ouroboros> Ok.
<tag> | .
<Ouroboros> . |
<tag> | .
<Ouroboros> . |
<tag> | .
<Ouroboros> | .
<Ouroboros> Whoops

Close second:

ratri wrote:

#376790

Mike3285: wtf is a palindrome
MaroonSand: no its not dude

Anti

#3800 +(172)- [X]

<JibberJim> what should happen to your webpages if you drop dead? 
<Jumper> is this a trick question ?

Mossy Monk

A classic

bash.org wrote:

#104383 +(9869)- [X]

bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?
BritneySpears14: Aight.
bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.
BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, bloodninja.
bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.
bloodninja: Me too baby.
BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.
bloodninja: I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.
BritneySpears14: Hey...
bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 chicken of the Infinite.
BritneySpears14: Funny I still don't see it.
bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty F*ck of the Beyondness.
BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.
bloodninja: Don't f*ck with me bitch, I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.
bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid.
BritneySpears14: Don't ever message me again you piece of ****.
bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.
bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.
bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.
bloodninja: Baby?

---

BritneySpears14: Ok, are you ready?
eminemBNJA: Aight, yeah I'm ready.
BritneySpears14: I like your music Em... Tee hee.
eminemBNJA: huh huh, yeah, I make it for the ladies.
BritneySpears14: Mmm, we like it a lot. Let me show you.
BritneySpears14: I take off your pants, slowly, and massage your muscular physique.
eminemBNJA: Oh I like that Baby. I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: What the f*ck, I told you not to message me again.
eminemBNJA: Oh ****
BritneySpears14: I swear if you do it one more time I'm gonna report your ISP and say you were sending me kiddie porn you f*ck up.
eminemBNJA: Oh ****
eminemBNJA: damn I gotta write down your names or something

flogen

I think I saw that site once when someone showed me the BloodNinja posts - having a great chuckle reading through it now.

Some of my own favourites:

#99835 +(15816)- [X]

<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what sucks?
<TheXPhial> vaccuums
<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what sucks in a metaphorical sense?
<TheXPhial> black holes
<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what just isn't cool?
<TheXPhial> lava?

[CQUOTE]#330261 +(11652)- [X]

<i8b4uUnderground> d-_-b
<BonyNoMore> how u make that inverted b?
<BonyNoMore> wait
<BonyNoMore> never mind[/QUOTE]

#412248 +(7807)- [X]

<Locl-Yocl> I helped the EMTs at a car wreck and got blood all over my arms and shirt. It looked like I murdered 20 people with a fork... anyway, I walked into a convieniance store down the street and said my girlfriend needs a tampon. The guy at the counter was mortified.

#262417 +(7251)- [X]

<_kr4m3r> so many ****ing criminals, its bull****
<foniks`> heh, if we sent all the criminals to some empty continent and just left them there to die
<foniks`> and showed up like 50yrs later like, "sup?"
<foniks`> whatd u think they'd say?
<FoSZoR[bg]> something along the lines of, "G`Day mate"

#352172 +(6462)- [X]

<NHBoy> I broke my G-string while fingering a minor
<rycool> ...
<NHBoy> I was trying to play Knocking on Heaven's Door.
<NHBoy> Oh well, time to buy new strings.

#420855 +(5839)- [X]

gentoogod: omg dude
gentoogod: today i might the stupidest 3 people i ever met
gentoogod: thier 3 brains combined couldnt solve the dilemma they faced today
siral21: what was it
gentoogod: ok before i say this
gentoogod: 100% true, not one second of a lie
gentoogod: this lady went into mcdonalds today and ordered a big mac for her
gentoogod: and ordered 2 mcgrittles one for each kid. one had bacon one without
gentoogod: her sons are around 18 or 19 so not infants
gentoogod: she went to the counter furious cause the son that wanted bacon has no bacon on his and the one that didnt want bacon has bacon on his
gentoogod: i fell on the floor beside her and couldnt stop laughing
gentoogod: so i finally stood up and asked her to repeat, thinking maybe shes drunk
gentoogod: i swear to god she looked at me straight faced and repeated it. and her 2 sons were beside her mad that they didnt get the order they wanted

And a superb (and very long) bloodninja one - here (NSFW - if text can be considered not safe for work!)

BigEejit

#364782 +(4727)- [X]

<Pahalial> "ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge" - Charles Darwin
<kionix> wtf? begets isn't a word. quit trying to make up words, ****face.

slipss

flogen wrote:

And a superb (and very long) bloodninja one - here (NSFW - if text can be considered not safe for work!)

lol thats the funniest thing I've ever read.

David Michael

<+shattersp1ne> hey i found out a way to abbreviate army
<+shattersp1ne> rme
<+shattersp1ne> i will make millions off of it

Karoma

HAARRRRRR!!!!!


#369
<Beeth> Girls are like internet domain names, the ones I like are already taken.
<honx> well, you can stil get one from a strange country :-P

Tar.Aldarion

Nobody mentions my mishap.
>_>

#349567 +(10529)- [X]

Rabidplaybunny87: Okay, so my neighbors officially hate me
GarbageStan23: why?
Rabidplaybunny87: Well, me, david and andrew were having a bonfire in the backyard, and we were making s'mores and all... and suddenly we here sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us.
Rabidplaybunny87: So we all went running to see what was up, and our neigbor's house was on fire!
GarbageStan23: oh ****!
Rabidplaybunny87: Yeah, and when we got there, the wife was crying into her husbands arms, and we were just kinda standing there, and then she saw us, and then like for 10 seconds, gave us the dirtiest look ever
Rabidplaybunny87: Turns out, we were still holding our sticks with marshmallows on it, watching the fire....
Rabidplaybunny87: talk about bad timing...

flogen

flogen wrote:

And a superb (and very long) bloodninja one - here (NSFW - if text can be considered not safe for work!)

Thats unbelievably funny.


sweet17: I can’t believe that cops are after you
bloodninja: I can’t believe Santa lets you sit on his lap..

So bad, and yet so freakin' hilarious.

Edit: Found a couple:

#771628 +(504)- [X]

<Greek69> lol grow up asshole
<TwoPairSux> You have "69" at the end of your name and you're talking to me about maturity?
<Greek69> Do you even know what 69 means you fag?
<TwoPairSux> You have "Greek" in your name and you're calling me a fag?

<kuhbaert> Yoda: The other side is dark.. very dark.
<kuhbaert> Obiwan: Quit whining and eat your toast already

Re-Edited for one more:

<evilada>: Best suicide plan ever
<mcm310>: what is it?
<evilada>: you go up to the top of a roof
<evilada>: string piano wire tight across the front edge at neck level
<evilada>: tie a cord to your foot and the other end to the building so that you'll be above sidewalk level when its fully stretched
<evilada>: then you put super glue on your hands
<evilada>: and put your arms around the front of the wire and then back to touch your head
<evilada>: then you lean forward, so the piano wire cuts your neck but not your elbows
<evilada>: when the cord goes taut, youll be hanging upside down with no head....except your head will be in your outstretched arms thanks to gravity and the glue, staring at someone upside down and spewing blood everywhere.
<evilada>: And some poor bastard will be traumatized for LIFE.
<mcm310>: i dont think i can be your friend anymore

Fuzzy_Dunlop

#767546 +(1327)- [X]

<_static_> I had a dream last night I got fired because my cat called someone a n*gger
http://bash.org/?767546

Ahahaha! Brilliant

red_ice

This one has stayed with me forever!

#23396 +(26564)- [X]

<Donut[AFK]> HEY EURAKARTE
<Donut[AFK]> INSULT
<Eurakarte> RETORT
<Donut[AFK]> COUNTER-RETORT
<Eurakarte> QUESTIONING OF SEXUAL PREFERENCE
<Donut[AFK]> SUGGESTION TO SHUT THE **** UP
<Eurakarte> NOTATION THAT YOU CREATE A VACUUM
<Donut[AFK]> RIPOSTE
<Donut[AFK]> ADDON RIPOSTE
<Eurakarte> COUNTER-RIPOSTE
<Donut[AFK]> COUNTER-COUNTER RIPOSTE
<Eurakarte> NONSENSICAL STATEMENT INVOLVING PLANKTON
<Miles_Prower> RESPONSE TO RANDOM STATEMENT AND THREAT TO BAN OPPOSING SIDES
<Eurakarte> WORDS OF PRAISE FOR FISHFOOD
<Miles_Prower> ACKNOWLEDGEMENT AND ACCEPTENCE OF TERMS

Cuddlesworth

http://bash.org/?62814

<Hawkeye> Spiderman reminds me of adolesence. One day a teenage guy wakes up with muscles, hair in new places and the ability to spray white sticky goo around the house.

singingstranger

http://www.bash.org/?416857

<born1986> why the **** isn't my disc drive working
<born1986> i ****ing worked on that essay for three friggin' hours in school
<born1986> i now i cant finish it 'cos my ****in drive ain't working
<Z00ass> you got the right drivers?
<born1986> hell yes
<born1986> it was working fine yesterday
<born1986> why does this **** always happen to me?
<Z00ass> maybe that little clip on the side is i nthe wrong position
<born1986> i havent touched it since school
<born1986> i'm growing impatient
<born1986> ANGRY even
<Z00ass> throw that **** out tha window

. . .

<born1986> OMG i ****in did it!!!
<born1986> ****!!!!!
<Z00ass> it works?
<born1986> no, i threw it out the window
<Z00ass> the disk?
<born1986> NO the whole drive
<born1986> i live on the 6th floor, made a nice *smash*
<Z00ass>
<born1986> **** **** ****
<born1986> THE DISK WAS STILL INSIDE
<born1986> brb

. . .

<born1986> ****
<Z00ass> what? did ya break it?
<born1986> well i couldn't open the drive
<born1986> so i had to pound it against a rock
<Z00ass>
<born1986> quite HARD
<born1986> and you know what?
<born1986> that ****ing disk wasnt even there
<Z00ass> ???
<born1986> i got so mad i threw the remaiders of the drive on to the freeway
<born1986> and when i got back upstairs i foud the disk inside my bag
<Z00ass> lol
<born1986> I NEVER EVEN PUT IT IN THE DRIVE
<born1986> i'm actually cryin right now

. . .

<born1986> wonder if i could make that drive work again
<born1986> brb

Dave D

#171987 +(9919)- [X]

<Th3No0b> Im going to be the next hitler
<Th3No0b> Im going to kill all the jews and 1 clown
<RageAgainsttheAmish> why the clown
<Th3No0b> See? no one cares about the jews
<RageAgainsttheAmish> lmao

tony 2 tone

#205557 +(4568)- [X]

<Dark_Fox> Kami: if you changed your name to Kame, you would have a much more interesting name
<Kami> Dark_Fox: And if you changed yours to Dark_Fax, you'd have a more communicative name.
* Dark_Fox is now known as Dark_Fax
<Kami> It'd be... 'telecommunicative.'
* Dark_Fax makes noises and bitches because he's out of paper ant toner *
<Kami> Oh god, that happened at work today.
<Dark_Fax> FEED MEE!!!
<SailorV> Nuuuuuuuu
* Dark_Fax displays wrong time *
* Dark_Fax rings for no reason *
* Kami is now known as VCR-clock
* Dark_Fax gets a paper jam *
* VCR-clock blinks
* VCR-clock blinks
* VCR-clock blinks
* VCR-clock blinks
* VCR-clock blinks
* VCR-clock blinks
<Dark_Fax> PAPPPERRRRR
* VCR-clock blinks
<Dark_Fax> TOOOOOONEEERRRR
* VCR-clock blinks
<VCR-clock>
* Dark_Fax breaks a bearing and bounces around on the counter *
<Dark_Fax> FEEEED ERROORRR!!!! NEED PAPER!!
* Dark_Fax rings again for no reason *
* VCR-clock blinks some more
* SailorV runs and hides becuz there are weirdo's in here
* Dark_Fax chases SailorV * MY PAPER!!! MY PREEESCIOUUUS!!
* VCR-clock blinks
* VCR-clock blinks
<SailorV> EEEE!
* SailorV unplugs the VCR
* VCR-clock has quit IRC
* Dark_Fax is now known as Dark_Fox
<Dark_Fox> ok i think ive peaked the humor of that

randylonghorn

#782459 +(610)- [X]

<RobertDylan> "Physics is to math as sex is to masturbation"
<zwei> i am so much better at math than physics
<zwei> wait
<zwei> ****


#780971 +(551)- [X]

<BlackMage> The name Benjamin comes from the hebrew "son of my right hand"
<BlackMage> If I ever donate sperm, I'm attaching a rider that says the kid needs to be named ben if it's a boy


#220697 +(229)- [X]

<Drewtetz> new internet pickup line! "Girl, you're so hot your file extension should be .fap!"


#375071 +(2460)- [X]

<cow_crap> ok I came to class early one day, considerably early
<cow_crap> and there's a girl there that I'm quite taken aback by
<cow_crap> and she said "wow, you came early" and I said, without thinking, "that's what all the girls say"
<cow_crap> I am such a ****ing idiot
<cow_crap> she laughed at me for like 15 mins