What do you think?

memphis

This isn't about who she is texting really is it? The problem here is trust. And you clearly don't trust her.

Ok, so you looked at her phone bill (which is none of your business) and saw she is texting this guy. You immediately became suspicious of her, this is down to lack of trust. You need to sort out that trust before you can go any further in this realtionship.

Personally I feel you may be over reacting. But thats just me. The main thing I'm trying to say her is whether you trust this girl or not, and from your post, its clear you have an issue. The issue is your lack of trust. You then need to ask yourself if the relationship can last on this trust (or lack of).

Wibbs

memphis wrote:

This isn't about who she is texting really is it? The problem here is trust. And you clearly don't trust her.

Eh actually who she is texting has a fair bit to do with it. If she was texting a female friend this thread wouldn't be here.

Ok, so you looked at her phone bill (which is none of your business) and saw she is texting this guy. You immediately became suspicious of her, this is down to lack of trust. You need to sort out that trust before you can go any further in this realtionship.

Trust is based on quite a few things. Now I agree he shouldn't have looked at the bill. Fair enough, but look he did and finding one's long term other half is texting some bloke ten times a day who she had a history with is a bit... eh... what's the word again?... Oh yea... suspicious.

Personally I feel you may be over reacting. But thats just me. The main thing I'm trying to say her is whether you trust this girl or not, and from your post, its clear you have an issue. The issue is your lack of trust. You then need to ask yourself if the relationship can last on this trust (or lack of).

That's all fine and dandy, but meanwhile.... back in the real world, this is a tad offside. The fact that they split up before, the fact that while apart she was with this guy, the fact that she is denying the frequency of the texts, the fact that she is saying that she tried to scrape him off, yet is taking the guts of War and Peace textwise to do so is all a bit mad Ted, to say the least. I'm sure he can go on trusting until the cows come home, but if she is playing away, his trust, no matter how strong will amount to nought. I and many others have trusted their GF/BF's right up to the point where they found out they were knobbing someone else. Doesn't happen all the time, but happen it does. Better to spot the signs and this one is in fluorescent paint bordered by flashing neon.

Forewarned is forearmed. While the method of information gathering is way dubious, it's happened and now the OP has to now find his way through the repercussions of what he found out.

aidan24326

Quite right Wibbs.

This isn't strictly a trust issue at all. Even in the happiest and (apparently) most trusting relationship, to find out that your wife/girlfriend has been txting some other guy up to ten times per day/night is more than a shade dubious. Throw in the fact that he's an ex who she has history with and you have a fizzing cocktail of potential trouble.

Even if there's been nothing physical happening, and to be fair there's no evidence it has, it's still a couple of yards offside to be exchanging volleys of txts with a guy who she not only has had a relationship with but who has admitted that he's still 'mad about her'. Her subsequent lies only pour fuel onto the fire.

OP I'd be asking her why she lied about it? What's she hiding? He's clearly chasing her and in all honesty she's not doing much to discourage him if she's replying with dozens of txts. I'd be sceptical about her claims of trying to rebuff him.

You are entitled to demand that she stop contacting him at this stage, and if she won't, tell her not to bother contacting you either.

pbsuxok1znja4r

One slightly relevant point to make.
It's not about the guy. You shouldn't try straightening him out or anything. TBH, I would almost welcome another guy to try it on with my own GF, because if she's a cheater, I'd rather it happened / I found out now, rather than further down the line, with more at stake in the relationship.

This guy's done you a favour of sorts, I say. Tell him he can have her and move on. Your girlfriend is a proven liar and very likely a cheat. But the lying thing is enough, for me. I know you say you've been 3 years with her, I think that's all the more reason to cut your losses and not risk making it another 3...

Bottle_of_Smoke

BTW she told me he admitted in the texts that he was mad about her.

Ok so this & something went on during the break means she has some feelings for him.

However everyone has some feelings for people other than their partner, the important thing is you don't act on them - she's with you, she could have went out with him if she wanted to.

So lets say he's texting her, they get on well - she's gonna text back even if she's not sleeping with him. Even if they don't get on well she probably feels somewhat sorry for him. I know ten texts seems like a lot but if they have no speaking contact those texts could be conversations, so it's not as much as it seems. Also are you entirely sure it was 10 times a night? or is it possible you overestimated in the panic?

Now she knows you hate this guy & she knows you know stuff went on while you were on a break. Of course she's gonna get defensive even if she's innocent. Also note innocent people often lie to their partners.

Now I'm not gonna deny there's no cause for suspicion & Wibbs + others have made a very good argument for leaving straight away.

I don't think you were wrong to read the phone bill. I personally wouldn't because I'd be afraid something like this would happen but if it was lying there she can't complain.

I'd demand a better explanation as you've seen the bill & given the circumstances you have a right to be suspicious, if she won't understand that then break up with her.

Have you mentioned yet that you've seen the bill?

LegacyUser

i dont think just cause shes txtin this guy shes necessarily doin anytin with him, it can be difficult to let go of some1 you were intimate with especially if they keep txtn ya, sayin they're crazy bout ya n stuff... maybe she just likes the attention, but other than that itz innocent?

OS119

if it was innocent then she'd not deny it. if it was a stalker-type problem then she'd probably try to sort it out herself, but not to the stage where she had to send TEN 'sod off' replies in one evening.

sorry squire, but she's getting her giggles away from home.

leave now.

it may be difficult now, but it'll be a damn sight more difficult if you wait till after the 'band-aid' baby and the 'lets get married to distract attention from the fact that i'm a ho-oer' proposal.

davyjose

memphis wrote:

This isn't about who she is texting really is it? The problem here is trust. And you clearly don't trust her.

Ok, so you looked at her phone bill (which is none of your business) and saw she is texting this guy. You immediately became suspicious of her, this is down to lack of trust. You need to sort out that trust before you can go any further in this realtionship.

Are you for REAL??? She lied to him about texting her ex. She 100% lied, and then when - and only when - she was backed into a corner, she told him the truth. Now please, explain to me how she has earned his trust in this particular matter???

LegacyUser

Although i am disappointed and upset by her actions, I would be ten times worse if I broke up with her. Im mad about her and I dont beleive she will risk our relationship again. If she does I will leave with no hestitation, but i dont think it will come to it. But she knows that she will have to win back my trust.

When I asked why did she lie to me, she told me she was terrified I would leave her if I found out the truth (which i nearly did).

Although when she showed me her online account, i noticed that they did text more than 10times a day sometimes. But i seen some of her texts from him in her fone and they were all totally innocent, 4 or 5 talking random crap.

Im going to drop the whole macho thing and not go after yer man, I cant blame him for liking her as she is really good looking and one of the soundest girls you'll ever meet

Mighty_Mouse

i dont think just cause shes txtin this guy shes necessarily doin anytin with him, it can be difficult to let go of some1 you were intimate with especially if they keep txtn ya, sayin they're crazy bout ya n stuff... maybe she just likes the attention, but other than that itz innocent

Contradiction or what!!!
Its not ok or innocent to keep seeking attention from another man while in a relationship!!
I mean whats the point in a relationship in the 1st place?

Although i am disappointed and upset by her actions,

I hope you told her in a stern voice that you were disappointed by her actions:rolleyes: !!!
Cant believe how soft you're accepting this.
Even if you want to work through this. Ya gotta make sure she doesnt mistake you for a doormat

If she does I will leave with no hestitation, but i dont think it will come to it.

You wont. And I reckon she knows this. At the very least you gotta convince her that you're willing to walk.

But she knows that she will have to win back my trust.

IMO I dunno if thats ever gonna be fully possible.
Bigger man than me cos I still wouldnt be convinced that it was only text and would of definitely walked.

I mean even if you did walk and blanked the girl.
If she came running after you and kept chasing. Kept trying to contact you, kept trying to save the relationship................then you'd know.

memphis

All I was trying to say is that him and her texting could be quite innocent. I see no harm in her texting a chap she "has history with" 10 times a day or more, just cos they aren't dating any longer doesn't mean they can't still be mates. Males and Females can be mates in case ye didn't know, without the whole hugging/kissing/making love etc that goes with a proper relationship.

I mean, what the heck, I broke up with my girlfriend over the christmas and we still text regularly, we still meet in the pub, chat together etc, but we're no longer in a relationship. If fact I've been with others since... yet we still remain pals. What i'm saying is this whole texting business is all innocent friendship. Get over it!

If you don't trust your girl OP then confront her, your not gonna get the answer to your problems chatting to ramdom strangers over the interweb. The problem is with you and your girlfriend, go sort it.

I rest my case!

LegacyUser

'i believe i made the correct decision and that she will prove me right. I really do. Never in our 3 years has she even looked at another bloke (besides when we broke up but that was a rebound!), so i'll stand by her it will make us stronger'

SmoothCriminal

memphis wrote:

I see no harm in her texting a chap she "has history with" 10 times a day or more, just cos they aren't dating any longer doesn't mean they can't still be mates.

Hmmmm, can you imagine ANY woman agreeing to this if the roles were reversed?

Of course she can have male friends. Even be friendly with an ex from a few years ago. But this is too recent.

Here are the moral reasons for NOT having contact with this guy:
1. He is after her.
2. They were together recently.
3. She is in a relationship.
4. She knows her bf doesn't like/trust the guy.

OP, your are sticking with her not because you have a new found trust for her but because you don't want the hurt from breaking up. You are now making the excuses for her.

I would assume that from now on she is to have absolutely no contact with this guy? Has she agreed to this?

I would keep one eye open if I were you. Perhaps dumping her immediately is a bit harsh but to be honest it all sounds very dodgy to me and dumping her could be inevitable.