College degree to pilot, certificate to fix

neon_glows

It takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one: a reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in their jobs.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

Oriel

All. Made. Up.

dohouch

Flying 11 hours to LA in August, but I found some of these super witty. Releasing nervous tension?

kittenkiller

Oriel wrote:

All. Made. Up.

Provide. Brief. Chuckles. Anyway.

slipss

Oriel wrote:

All. Made. Up.

Might be all made up...still very funny. I seen this joke a good few years ago, and asked a Quantas pilot (my sisters friends uncle) next time I saw him, wether it was just made up or not, he assured me they were all genuine and that he had recieved similar smart awnsers from technicians in the past, but he might have just been taking the piss.

carpenoctem

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

Best laugh I've had in a while

redzerdrog

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed

lol

jimi_t

neon_glows wrote:

It takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one: a reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in their jobs.

Surely thats the other way around?

Oliverdog

These are great - typical Australian humour - as in this one, which as I heard it myself, is "not.made.up"

Qantas cabin crew, talking in Singapore bar. One of the stewardesses expressed the view that the ladies present could do anything that the men could do.

The reply was prompt. "OK - let's see you piss over the pelmet !"

darkskol

john.hannah@bti wrote:

These are great - typical Australian humour - as in this one, which as I heard it myself, is "not.made.up"

Qantas cabin crew, talking in Singapore bar. One of the stewardesses expressed the view that the ladies present could do anything that the men could do.

The reply was prompt. "OK - let's see you piss over the pelmet !"

lol

AlmightyCushion

john.hannah@bti wrote:

These are great - typical Australian humour - as in this one, which as I heard it myself, is "not.made.up"

Qantas cabin crew, talking in Singapore bar. One of the stewardesses expressed the view that the ladies present could do anything that the men could do.

The reply was prompt. "OK - let's see you piss over the pelmet !"

Ha ha legends

Steve_o

Now's what the midget supposed to do????:D

Stabshauptmann

Im imagine Sir Humphry for some strange reason. Theres nothing particularly brilliant about them, but I havent laughed so hard in ages. 5 stars my good man

Fey!

An old joke, but still funny!

Acid_Violet

john.hannah@bti wrote:

These are great - typical Australian humour - as in this one, which as I heard it myself, is "not.made.up"

Qantas cabin crew, talking in Singapore bar. One of the stewardesses expressed the view that the ladies present could do anything that the men could do.

The reply was prompt. "OK - let's see you piss over the pelmet !"

Grrr, macho Australians! True, we can't piss over the pelmet, but they're still all sexist-macho-chauvinist eejits!