Sunday morning jokes

Hagar

A lady who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex.
She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a Lingerie shop.
One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous, and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned the crotchless undies and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the television, and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm.
"Want some of this?" she purred.
"Are you mad woman?" he replied. "Look what it did to your knickers!"

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A blonde is pregnant, and is practically 9 months along. She goes to see her doctor for a routine check-up, but she is worried. She asks, "What if the baby starts coming, and I can't get to the hospital in time."
The doctor replies, "Well, woman have been having babies for a million years without an attendance by doctors. It's a very natural process. The first thing you do is to assume the same position you were laying in when you got pregnant."
The blonde interrupts with, "Do you mean with the left foot in the glove compartment and the right foot hanging out the window?"

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The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep The produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant Thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the Scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air Is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more!

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A newlywed sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the South Pacific for two years.
A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife quite badly so he decided to write her a letter.
"My darling," he wrote, "It looks like we're going to be apart for a very long time and already I'm starting to miss you. There's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that, young attractive topless native girls in grass skirts constantly surround us. Maybe if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be so tempted."
So his wife sent him back a harmonica with a book of music, saying, "Why don't you learn to play this?"
Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife.
"Darling," he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!"
"First," she said, "I'd like to hear you play that harmonica!"

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

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A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled.
The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man.
"No way! No needles! I hate needles!" the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the Man again objects.
"I can't do the gas thing - the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!"
The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection," the patient says, "I am fine With pills."
The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet."
The patient says, "Wow - I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"
"It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth."

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It was 5 o'clock in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks. The drill sergeant walked in and bellowed, "This is a birthday suit inspection! I wanna see you all formed up outside and butt naked now!"
The soldiers quickly jumped out of bed, naked and shivering, and ran outside to form up in their three ranks. The sergeant walked out and yelled, "Close up the ranks and conserve your body heat!"
The soldiers complied and moved closer together. The captain appeared with his swagger stick. He walked up to the first soldier and whacked him right across the chest. "Did that hurt?" he yelled.
"No, Sir!"
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"
The captain then walked up to the next soldier and whacked him right across the chest. "Did that hurt?" he yelled.
"No, Sir!"
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"
The captain was rather impressed with the toughness of the soldiers; so he walked up to a third soldier. The captain noticed that the soldier had an enormous erection, so naturally he gave his target a huge whack with the swagger stick. "Did that hurt?" he yelled.
"No, Sir!"
"Why not?"
"Because it belongs to the guy behind me, Sir!"

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A man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she
was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have
the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and
write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife handed it over and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and
fainted.
On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

darkskol

:d :d :d Good

Steve_o

lol....quality stuff Hagar!!!:D