Could I actually be gay all along?

LegacyUser

My post will sound like a contradiction, but here it goes.

I don't consider myself to be gay, but I have a friend of my family who I actually find attractive. I have known him to for a few years now and I've felt the same way since then. He himself is straight as far as I can tell. When ever I see him he chats to me, but nothing more.

I am not into the gay scene and I wouldn't normally be into fantisizing about fellas. Nor do I want to go gay clubbing.

The last time I felt like this was a number of years ago when I was at primary school. I was into this boy about the same age as me. I even use to pretend play with him at sleepovers and I think I might even have kissed him on the cheek. I still think about him on and off.

Despite all the above, I feel as hetrosexual as the next guy which adds to the confusion.

The ony thing I can see in common with the guys I fancied both in the past and now presently, is that I would consider them very good-loking for guys and effiminate.

Comments please.

DublinWriter

Maybe you're bi?

Saruman

What he said. Bi-Curious or whatever the term is these days. You are hetro but are curious in some ways aboout certain guys.

spurious

Being gay or straight does not make you blind. It's quite possible to be a straight guy and feel an attraction to another guy, or a gay guy feeling an attraction to a woman.

The crucial thing is the following through. I don't know what age you are, but you might in the future have an opportunity to follow up an attraction and you may choose or not choose to act on it. Even if you do act on it and have an experience with another person of your gender, it doesn't mean you're gay. Though of course you might be.

Anyway it's all good - the main thing is to love 'someone' and get on with life.

Talliesin

Firstly, take the gay scene out of the equation entirely.

There are lots of scenes and lifestyles that grow around different factors that give someone a certain point of commonality. Other sexual matters would have scenes (the scenes that exist around different fetishes and activities) but also everything from political and religious beliefs through to sports or genres of music one might like have scenes. In all of these cases you can be part of the group and have no interest in the scene, or the scene as it exists in some areas. There is also the reverse (in particular, lots of straight people like the gay scene). So in all, this tells us little.

As to whether you are gay or not, well maybe. Or maybe you're bi. However if you mostly find youself fancying girls chances are you're straight but can recognise the attractive qualities in some men, perhaps even to the point of developping a minor crush, but it won't go too far.

Tori Amos said something about this in an interview that makes sense. She talked of k. d. lang giving her a look over her sunglasses and "I wanted to just crawl into her arms, but there's a lot of difference between wanting to crawl into her arms and wanting to give her head". Maybe you're in a similar position as far as this guy goes.

"Gay", "straight" and "bi" are convenient labels. It's handy that I can say "I am bisexual" and short cut an awful lot. But in shortcutting we leave out a lot of grey area that exists in reality. The labels are just a convenience, not a pledge. If you find yourself attractive enough to someone that trying to take things further makes sense, and its reciprocated, then by all means do so. Let the labels sort themselves out later.

louisecm

Totally agree about taking the scene out - there are lots of happy gay men who are not involved in the scene at all in the same way that there are lots of straight people who don't go to places like Copper Faced Jacks.

Maybe don't focus so much on the labels as has been said. Just exist, and if something happens, something happens. Who cares "what" you are as long as you're happy.

LegacyUser

I wouldn't be too worried about it either. Although I consider myself 'straight', I have fancied the odd bloke over the years. Didn't want to jump into bed with them or anything, just admired them from afar because of certain qualities of character or physical appearance they had which I really liked. It does feel a bit strange to be soft in the head about another bloke but I wouldn't be too bothered about it. I just happen to get much more turned on by girls and I will assume I'm 'straight' but, as previously mentioned, labels are a just convenience.

Victor

I used to think I fancied this guy when I was about 18. Of course the issue was he was 'pretty' with long blonde hair (not in the rugged, manly kind of way either).

Most blokes, even the straight ones, can admit that Brad Pitt is attractive.

Of course, both of those example show HUMAN BEINGS, there is nothing wrong with liking somebody.

DublinWriter

Victor wrote:

Most blokes, even the straight ones, can admit that Brad Pitt is attractive.

True Victor, but it's important to point-out the distinction between admiring someone who looks attractive vs. wanting to do the bold-thing with them.

LegacyUser

'Many many guys have the same feelings. They consider themselves to be heterosexual but at the same time they can have some feelings towards the same sex. I look at guys and admire good looks, good physiques, nice eyes, a nice smile, a good laugh, a great personality. I consider myself heterosexual, have only ever been in straight relationships and only ever see myself being in straight relationships. I did have one sexual encounter with another guy a few years ago. I had been curious for a long time, I'm glad that I had the experience and have no regrets about it. It was hot, enjoyable, relaxed, safe, and we were both single. I'm not into labels and dont think that you should try to label yourself or your feelings. I'm sure some people would say that my epxericence makes me gay but I wouldn't agree. I also played a game of golf once, but this doesnt make me a golfer!

I've been to counselling to discuss some issues related to my childhood (my mother was an alcoholic and was absent for a lot of my upbringing) and the demise of a 10 year relationship. During this I also discussed my sexuality and the reasons why I also find myself attracted to men.nOne of the reasons I discovered was that I suffered from low self esteem and a lack of self-confidence, due to my childhood and upbringing. I felt different from other gusy and didnt feel that I fitted in. Growing up I wasnt happy with my own appearance. So I always thought of other guys as being better looking, more athletic, that they were more confident with girls and that girls would really want me coz I didnt feel that I was as good as those other guys. So this seems to be be where my fascination or attraction with other guys comes from. The reason that I am telling you this is because you too may have some underlying issue that is bringing on these feelings.

I am single at the moment and find the attraction is creeping back into my life. But I know as soon as I'm back in a happy straight relationship again that these feeling will diminish. I dont really expect them to ever go fully away but as long they are not an obstacle to me having a successful straight relationship, then I can live with that! You dont mention your own relationship experiences. Have you had many straight sexual relationships?


You may have heard of the Kinsey Scale. This explanation is taken from wikipedia

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The Kinsey scale attempts to measure sexual orientation, from 0 (exclusively heterosexual) to 6 (exclusively homosexual). In the Kinsey Reports, an additional grade was used for asexuality. It was first published in Sexual Behavior in the Human Male (1948) by Alfred Kinsey

Introducing the scale, Kinsey wrote:
“ Males do not represent two discrete populations, heterosexual and homosexual. The world is not to be divided into sheep and goats. It is a fundamental of taxonomy that nature rarely deals with discrete categories... The living world is a continuum in each and every one of its aspects.

While emphasising the continuity of the gradations between exclusively heterosexual and exclusively homosexual histories, it has seemed desirable to develop some sort of classification which could be based on the relative amounts of heterosexual and homosexual experience or response in each history... An individual may be assigned a position on this scale, for each period in his life.... A seven-point scale comes nearer to showing the many gradations that actually exist.

The scale is as follows:
Rating Description
0 Exclusively heterosexual
1 Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual
2 Predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual
3 Equally heterosexual and homosexual
4 Predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual
5 Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual
6 Exclusively homosexual
X Asexual

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You can vary on this scale during your life. It's not static. I suppose I vary between 0 and 1, but again I dont worry about labels, scales, percents or the likes.... Just be yourself and be happy!'