17 and Questioning: what about my boyfriend?

LegacyUser

I'm 17 years old and extremely scared about whats been happening to me.

i jumped into this uber serious relationship with this guy who's 3 years older than me. we've only been dating for about 2 months and at one point i was seriously considering having sex with him for my first time. i liked him more than any guy i ever had. we were very serious, but lately i've been wondering whether or not i can continue to be with him and still be questioning my sexuality.

in the past few weeks, i started to develop feelings for one of my best friends, who just happens to be a girl. i didn't say anything at first, because i'd hoped it would just go away...it didn't. a few days ago, i got a little drunk with her and another girl friend (whom i had feelings for in the past--but never said anything to) and i admitted to my best friend that i liked her.
to my surprise, she told me she liked me back, and had for kind of a long time.

since that night, we've kissed a couple times. and we had a very intense conversation about the possiblity of us.

i don't know what to do next. i like her alot, but i also like my boyfriend. but i also cheated on him when i decided to kiss her. everyone thinks i'm straight, but i know i'm obviously not--but i don't know if i'm ready to "come out".

should i stay in my hetero-comfort zone and not persue anything with my best friend? or should i try something else? i'm not ready to admit to my boyfriend that i'm bisexual or lesbian or whatever, but it's not fair to him that i cheated with another girl...should i break up with him?
how do i figure out my sexuality for sure?

Wibbs

Maybe I'm outa my depth here, but I would say maybe forget about the gender of these people for a second, forget about which way the world will regard you whichever way you decide to go in this, now or for the rest of your life. In the end we live our lives for ourselves with the bad and good that comes with that.

Now honestly ask yourself, which person do I want to be with? I suspect if you're really honest with yourself, you know the answer already. When you do end up with the right person the rest are just labels and body parts IMHO.

JC 2K3

I agree with Wibbs.

This is the same as any other "I have a boy/girlfriend but am attracted to another guy/girl" situation. Deal with it like any other.

And don't let labelling yourself as Hetero- or Homosexual be a bit deal.

Boston

Right is this something you feel you need to see through to the end. If so, then there's just going to be another girl down the road and you'll end up back where you are now. Basically, do you feel this is a phase/Something that will pass without you doing anything about it? Your posts seem to suggest that you've made a decision about what you are.

Coming out: My view is that this should be avoided unless there's a solid practical reason. For me, I started going out with my best friend at the time, and felt pretending we where just friends around other friends wasn't on, life is too short. However I, like you(it would appear), knew what I was before that.

Boyfriend: Talk to him. There's no reason you should be bound to just one person. The girl knows about him (I presume) and doesn't mind, maybe he won't mind sharing you with her. Lying about it however will definitely fuk things up for you in the future, and really, is that the type of person you want to be?

Wibbs, There's a lot of merit in what you're saying. When it comes to being with someone, who they are and how you feel is much more important then gender. That realisation is why I'm here.

JC 2K3: Not the same. Being with a man Vs a woman is, completely different.

Caveat: I've never actually had full intercourse with a woman.

Wibbs

Boston wrote:

Your posts seem to suggest that you've made a decision about what you are.

I do agree somewhat with you, but at 17 things can still be in flux(no offense meant to 17 yr olds either). So any decision is open to change. I know someone who at 17 would have labeled himself straight. 15 odd years later and he's in a live in relationship with another man. I know a woman who at 17 would have labeled herself straight, so much so that she married, had a couple of kids and now many years later is in a stable very loving relationship with a woman. I even know a guy who would have labeled himself as gay at 17(I mean Village people "in the navy", stereotypically Larry Grayson(showing my age) gay) who is with a woman now. I have interesting mates who never cease to amaze and inform me. I'm a lucky bugger that way.

Coming out: My view is that this should be avoided unless there's a solid practical reason.

Agreed here, especially at that age. Later when you're your own man(or woman) with a life that is more yours than your peers or parents, that kind of thing is far easier to deal with. Regardless of how society claims to feel, you may get more crap than you bargained for. I've seen that up close with someone close to me.

Boyfriend: Talk to him. There's no reason you should be bound to just one person.

Indeed it's one of the advantages of being 17.

The girl knows about him (I presume) and doesn't mind, maybe he won't mind sharing you with her.

That in fairness will be where it could get messy, even with the best of intentions.

Lying about it however will definitely fuk things up for you in the future, and really, is that the type of person you want to be?

Oh yea, in a big way.

Wibbs, There's a lot of merit in what you're saying.

Very rarely and I mean very rarely I get lucky...

When it comes to being with someone, who they are and how you feel is much more important then gender. That realisation is why I'm here.

Agreed.

JC 2K3: Not the same. Being with a man Vs a woman is, completely different.

Beyond the biological, how so? I mean the emotions are surely the same within context. Seriously though, I'm interested why there is a difference beyond the obvious.

Caveat: I've never actually had full intercourse with a woman.

Well I've had "full intercourse" with women and I've not with others. Sometimes the latter was more fulfilling depending on the connection that I had with them. Sometimes not. The connection at least for me is what makes the diff. I'm sure that if tomorrow I fell in love with a man, the physical would only make sense within the context of that connection. That or I'm just an incurable romantic.

LegacyUser

It often happens that at 17 somebody has decided they're heterosexual but then later realises they're gay. It rarely happens that at 17 somebody realises they are gay and then later realises they are heterosexual.

I think the OP has already made her decision. I don't think she is really attracted to this guy, although she definitely has feelings for him. She said she is 'more attracted to this guy than she has been to anybody before'. Which doesn't really say that she's all that into him.

Also I think that by 17 years old if somebody thinks they are gay, things are rarely still in flux. 17 is actually quite old as far as these feelings go and being certain about them. I know it was in my case.

OP, I think you should be honest with yourself and go with what I think you want to go with. Break up with the boyfriend, you're not doing him any favours being with him when you don't want to be. See how it goes with your friend. You don't need to 'come out' now. See how things go, give it a shot for a while, and you'll know soon enough how and when to deal with coming out etc.

Best of luck with it, you'll be fine :-) . Just think how lucky you are to have 1)come to realise this at such a young age and be able to admitt it to yourself, and 2) to have found somebody you like already.

Boston

Well she seems to be describing a pattern of behaviour, that suggest this is a sudden thing, but yea sexuality is a fluid thing. Theres definitely a price to be paid for coming out though, thats why I say that it's a bad idea unless you're doing it for a decent reason, even then it can be crap.

As for the difference between being with a man Vs a woman, sure Love is love, there are different types but it's not like exclusive to one gender or the other. The physical side of things though, and I don't mean the logistics of sex, is very different. It feels different. Theres something about the strenght of another man, and loosing yourself in it, thats just great tbh. I can't really describe it in words, and it would probably be different for different people, but thats how I feel.

Stark

Unregadvice wrote:

Also I think that by 17 years old if somebody thinks they are gay, things are rarely still in flux. 17 is actually quite old as far as these feelings go and being certain about them. I know it was in my case.

I know people who thought they were gay when they were 17 and are now straight.

Marksie

At 17 everything is fluid OP so don't label youreslf as one thing or the other.

Actually, things are never really set in stone throughout your life.

If you are in a closed realtionship then try to simply accept the various aspects of your sexuality for now.

As for getting involved and sharing. That is an emotional minefield at your age, or to be honest, at any age. It really is something that can be very hard to do without jealousy and guilt coming into play.

ateam

Don't mean to sound rude, but it sounds to me that you're gay.

Hmm_Messiah

ateam - you don't seem to realise how close two friends can be , within what still remains simply a "friendship"

Boston

Unregadvice: You're reading a huge amount into the Original post that simply isn't there. Theres also a tilt to you posts that discounts the possibility that the user is Bi-Sexual, simply because she *may* be more attracted to in general to one gender over the other(which isn't some thing she said). At 17 or 27 things can be still in flux. It's just a number, it has no bearing on how ready/able someone is to decide what they are.

ateam wrote:

Don't mean to sound rude, but it sounds to me that you're gay. If you were straight you would not talk to a girl like that and you's would have had sex by now. Just come to terms with being gay and continue seeing your boyfriend if he treats you well.

This is Not PI, limit replies to reality for the benefit of other users. At the very least realise there's more then gay or straight (I personally thought the forum title gave it away). Conversations about sexuality with close friends is pretty standard fare as well. The girl is 17, it's not uncommon/odd that she would be a virgin at that age, nor is it odd to not be. As for your final words of wisdom, if someone is Gay, there is no point in a relationship with a member of the opposite sex.

LegacyUser

thanks for all the input, it was very helpful.
i just broke up with the boyfriend today and i am now sort of "seeing" my best friend--although it's nothing official because we are both entering uncharted territory. she's pretty sure she's straight, though, i just happen to be an exception (according to her).

i'm happy with my decision and i've also been thinking alot about where i stand with my sexuality. i've actually been "questioning" since middle school, and i can admit i've had my fair share or "girl crushes" but i agree with some people on this board in that i'm not at all ready to put myself into a box just yet. i'm going to see what happens with my friend and figure out if this is what i really want.

again, thanks to everyone. you gave me a lot to consider.