Kick in the teeth

LegacyUser

Ok so I thought I had thick skin from breaking up with my first girlfriend who I thought was the love of my life and took me a couple of years to get over. Anyway I had been going out with a girl for about 2 years until february or so, then we broke up as she was being transferred back to mainland europe where she's from and wanted me to come, but I wanted to go and travel for a while and I had issues with commitment and moving in with her etc. etc.
So I dug my own grave really, she basically told me to eff off with my mates travelling, that I'd regret it, and that she never wants to speak to me again. Anyway since I've been away I've thought about her constantly, and sent her a few emails here and there telling her how I'm getting on (not bombarding here I mean like 3), and I sent 2 postcards to her work. So tonight I got this email from her,

Hey ****,

started seeing someone else recently and I would appreciate if you would leave me alone.

Please do not bother me anymore.

Cheers, ****

Now it's like a total kick in the teeth, the shock I got from that, not that it's a shock really I mean of course she's seeing someone else she's a pretty girl etc., but it really hit me hard.
I can't remember how to get over this kind of thing? I'm living somewhere now and working and I don't know many people and have no one to talk to, I'm really missing home right now. Sure I'm meeting new people etc. but my mind was already racked with this girl and now it's going to get worse.
What do you do???

Petey2006

Why would you be so cut up about someone who is willing to call you names and treat you like that? It sucks breaking up with someone, it's never easy. But I'd have thought seeing this side of her would make things a whole lot easier. Unless you enjoy being abused.

LegacyUser

'errrr... I think you misunderstood, I was ***ing out our names, she wasn't address me as f*ckface or anything'

BC

Petey2006 wrote:

Why would you be so cut up about someone who is willing to call you names and treat you like that? It sucks breaking up with someone, it's never easy. But I'd have thought seeing this side of her would make things a whole lot easier. Unless you enjoy being abused.

When did she call him names????

To be honest OP its just tough luck. You broke up with her, she has moved on, you just have to live with it.

boffin

Petey2006 wrote:

Why would you be so cut up about someone who is willing to call you names and treat you like that? It sucks breaking up with someone, it's never easy. But I'd have thought seeing this side of her would make things a whole lot easier. Unless you enjoy being abused.

How did she abuse him? She was telling him that he couldn't have his cake and eat it too .

OP - break ups are hard but you've also made big changes to your life and are prob a little lonely hence why you are thinking of your ex - the best way to recover I believe is to delete her email address, old emails -- anything that reminds you of her. And the most important thing is to try to keep yourself busy. It will pass in time.

pwd

'****' is him censoring his name, not a rude word

LegacyUser

yeah but cmon I mean do you not think it was unfair that she wasn't willing to compromise? I just wanted to go away for a few months before settling down, because I knew that would be it, for the rest of our lives, she's 33 now (I'm 26), and she let me fall in love with her while she told me she was 4 years bloody younger than she was in the first place, didn't tell me her real age for 3 months! So she's obviously at the age where she wants to marry/have kids etc. She was not in a position to travel with me, so I think it was unfair of her to cut me out like that. And now she rubs it in with her new fancyman.

kaalgat

herewegoagain wrote:

...and wanted me to come, but I wanted to go and travel for a while and I had issues with commitment and moving in with her etc. etc.
So I dug my own grave really, she basically told me to eff off with my mates travelling, that I'd regret it, and that she never wants to speak to me again.

YOU CHOSE not to go with her.
YOU have issues with commitment.

Now she's moving on, as expected from anyone placed in that position.

Petey2006

pwd wrote:

'****' is him censoring his name, not a rude word

Yeah, just got that! My mistake! :rolleyes:

dellas1979

You werent ready, she was. You went away and she met someone else.

I dont think that you should feel bad. You did what you thought was right. You may be torturing yourself wondering if you made the right decision. Who knows. But you need to keep going.

Maple

There's nothing you can do. You made the decision to go travelling, she made the decision to move on with her life. You did what you thought was right for you at the time and she's doing the same. Its just unfortunate that you're now having second thoughts, perhaps if you'd be more honest about missing her when you were away you wouldn't be in this position. Just put it down to experience and try to move on.

LegacyUser

Speaking as a girl who received many txts, emails etc after I was broken up with - I can totally see her point in ignoring your contact. You obviously broke her heart and any contact from you means that you pop back into her mind uninvited. She'll have been having a hard enough time trying to take her mind off you.

Her eventual response was childish and rather spiteful (I never sent anything remotely like that back in response). Unless you knew her to be this way during your relationship, it's a sign for you how much you hurt her - not OHMIGOD what a bitch.

Yes, it was bitchy and yes, she should have known better but you know what - forget about it. Emailing and posting her postcards didn't mean ye'd have a friendship.

My advice to you would be to (as other people have said) delete all messages/emails etc. Make a list of all the negatives about her in the relationship that you won't miss. Refer to this list when you feel yourself remembering some special moment with a heavy heart. Go out and start a new activity - a new hobby or sport. I'd recommend a sport/fitness activity. Take an evening class. Just keep busy - but not in isolation if you can help it!

LegacyUser

everyone always suggests getting fit to people who have broken up recently. I already go to a gym 5 or 6 times a week, so don't be under the impression that all heartbroken people are layabouts!

Maple

herewegoagain wrote:

everyone always suggests getting fit to people who have broken up recently. I already go to a gym 5 or 6 times a week, so don't be under the impression that all heartbroken people are layabouts!

having been given that advice myself, I think its more to do with the fact that exercise releases endorphins - feel good hormones - into the blood stream so they're hoping you'll feel a bit more positive after a bout of exercise.

boffin

herewegoagain wrote:

everyone always suggests getting fit to people who have broken up recently. I already go to a gym 5 or 6 times a week, so don't be under the impression that all heartbroken people are layabouts!

Wow, I don't think that was the point - the point was to keep yourself busy and sport is one way to do that!

LegacyUser

herewegoagain wrote:

everyone always suggests getting fit to people who have broken up recently. I already go to a gym 5 or 6 times a week, so don't be under the impression that all heartbroken people are layabouts!

Er, excuse you?! Did I appear under that impression? In my experience starting a new sport can mean creating quick bonds with new friends. Many people after a breakup can feel bad about themselves (I know I did - for no good reason I can see now) so starting a new fitness regime feels like a positive step on their part. It's a way of keeping busy <i>and</i> benefiting your mind, body and social life.

Deediddums

Hey OP,

While it's always tough whenever there is a break-up your ex sounds as though she's doing what most of us in her position need to do and that is look after number one.

You made the decision to go travel and while I fully respect that that was important to you - at the end of the day, from her point of view, you chose this option instead of being with her and that must have hurt. There is always a risk factor when we make these choices, the risk being that you will lose the person you claim to love, but if you felt that passionately in the first place would that honestly have been a risk you'd be willing to take.

I know it must be rough on you because you have since regretted your decision but perhaps her attitude of cutting all ties will be healthier for both of you in the long run. I apprecate and empathise that it is extremely hurtful nonetheless. There's a fair age difference there OP and it sounds in a way as though your decision to travel was somehow tainted by your awareness of her age and the perceived pressure to "settle down". You mention that she wouldn't compromise - what compromises did you offer her? She couldn't and didn't want to travel for months on end, you went, it doesn't sound like you did a huge amount of compromising either.

There really is very little you can do with regards to her email, the best would probably be to just respect it. It doesn't sound like she's trying to rub your face in it, merely stating the facts of the matter. As regards to deleting her emails, texts, number etc. Why bother? Every relationship forms a part of you, you learn something from each person so you don't need to erase elements of the past to move. Maybe next time you are faced with a similar decision you will think differently and perhaps the reward will be a woman who is more suited in her life aspirations and would travel to the ends of the world to be with you... just like you wanted. Either way good luck.

Chinafoot

herewegoagain wrote:

yeah but cmon I mean do you not think it was unfair that she wasn't willing to compromise? I just wanted to go away for a few months before settling down, because I knew that would be it, for the rest of our lives,

What compromise did you expect her to give you? Do you think that her sitting at home waiting for you to come back, hoping that you'll have gotten over your self-confessed commitment issues is a compromise?

Sounds to me like she was looking out for herself, just like you were. You wanted to go travelling with your mates and she didn't want to sit around wondering if you were going to meet someone else/decide to travel for longer/not come back at all.

After two years you weren't prepared to commit to her so she decided to walk away. You might not agree with her decision but you should respect it.

herewegoagain wrote:

she's 33 now (I'm 26), and she let me fall in love with her while she told me she was 4 years bloody younger than she was in the first place, didn't tell me her real age for 3 months!

Hang on, she "let" you fall in love with her. My god, what a bitch! :rolleyes:
The extra four years obviously didn't bother you that much if you continued a relationship for two years. What's the point in dragging that up now?

herewegoagain wrote:

So she's obviously at the age where she wants to marry/have kids etc.

Why obviously? Unless she has actually told you that she wants to get married and have kids now you shouldn't assume. If that is the case, and it doesn't seem to be something you're ready for yet, then, again, I think she did the smart thing by walking away.

herewegoagain wrote:

She was not in a position to travel with me, so I think it was unfair of her to cut me out like that.

I honestly think you're the one being unfair. Like you said, she wasn't in a position to go travelling with you. You knew that and you went anyway. I would never discourage someone from travelling regardless of a relationship and I honestly do think you made the right decision. What's not right, however, is this attitude of "it's all her fault". See it from her point of view and imagine the responses she would have got on here had she posted her side of things. Boyfriend of 2 years, 7 years her junior wants to go travelling with his mates while she wants to settle. She'd more than likely be told that she should let you go and find someone with the same outlook on life right now. You're both in very different places and you can't begrudge her for wanting to be with someone who will commit fully to her.

herewegoagain wrote:

And now she rubs it in with her new fancyman.

Be honest, during your travels did she ever once reply to the 3 emails or the 2 postcards sent to her place of work? Honestly? I'm guessing not. She ended the relationship after two years. It can't have been easy for her to do so maybe, just maybe, she wanted to cut off all ties to allow herself to get over you. I know I wouldn't want postcards from my ex sent to my job if we weren't on good terms. So she let you know that she is seeing someone else and asked you to leave her alone. That sounds like a reasonable enough request to me.

OP you need to remember that you made the decision to go travelling without her so she didn't end the relationship without cause. You sound like you both want very different things and you should just let her go so she can be happy in her new relationship and maybe allow yourslef to find someone else too.

claire-g

herewegoagain wrote:

What do you do???

Im sorry you feel so horrible. Unfortunately there is no easy answer and as much as i dont want to say this....time does heal (or at least it makes things easier to bear). I've had a similar situation and its about 6 mths later and things are only starting to get easier. All u can do is ride it out I'm afraid!!!

Marksie

maple wrote:

having been given that advice myself, I think its more to do with the fact that exercise releases endorphins - feel good hormones - into the blood stream so they're hoping you'll feel a bit more positive after a bout of exercise.

Or tha fact that in a report in todays paper, 19% of people claim to have made freinds/ partners in the gym/ health club.

Anyways thats Off topic.

OK OP: Bottom line, you broke up. She specifically stated that she never wanted to see you again.
Could you not see how a nice postcard from a sunny location saying how great you were etc etc. would have an affect on her.

Did it not register that she may have been badly hurt.

Let you fall in love??? Ahem!

Her message to you makes it clear in no uncertain terms that you had your chance and blew it.

Did you really think you could hurt someone like that and not find any other response?

How do you get over it? Perhaps you could go travelling for a while?:rolleyes:

BC

herewegoagain wrote:

yeah but cmon I mean do you not think it was unfair that she wasn't willing to compromise? I just wanted to go away for a few months before settling down, because I knew that would be it, for the rest of our lives, she's 33 now (I'm 26), and she let me fall in love with her while she told me she was 4 years bloody younger than she was in the first place, didn't tell me her real age for 3 months! So she's obviously at the age where she wants to marry/have kids etc. She was not in a position to travel with me, so I think it was unfair of her to cut me out like that.

She obviously decided she didn't want to wait around while you went off enjoying yourself. Thats her choice just like it was your choice to decide that going travelling was more important than being with her

And now she rubs it in with her new fancyman.

She is hardly rubbing it in - she gave you a reason as to why she doesn't want any contact from you.

Sounds like you wanted to have your cake and eat it. Stop being so self centered and let the girl get on with her life. You should do the same.

togster

If you really love her. Get on a plane and turn up where she works. Pull out all the stops and grow a pair. Otherwise quit moaning. You broke up with her.

G&T

You didn't want her as a gf so why do you want her as a friend?

She sounds more mature than you tbh,she knows what she wants and its no longer you.

When you have finished sowing your wild oat's/finding yourself you will be better bf material.

So enjoy the travelling and forget about her.

aidan24326

thechicklit wrote:

Her eventual response was childish and rather spiteful (I never sent anything remotely like that back in response). Unless you knew her to be this way during your relationship, it's a sign for you how much you hurt her - not OHMIGOD what a bitch.

Not sure how her response was childish and spiteful. It said 'I'm seeing someone else now, I'd rather you left me alone'. I can't see what's so spiteful about that.

herewegoagain wrote:

...and wanted me to come, but I wanted to go and travel for a while and I had issues with commitment and moving in with her etc. etc.
So I dug my own grave really, she basically told me to eff off with my mates travelling, that I'd regret it, and that she never wants to speak to me again

'herewegoagain' I'm afraid this is a case of you made your bed and now you have to lie in it. You summed up your own situation right there. She asked you to go with her, you declined and cited commitment issues. Now she's moved on and met someone else. She told you you'd regret it and now you are indeed regretting it. I'm sorry to be cruel but this is a case of tough sh1t. You made your choice.

In any case you might be as well off. Things may work out well for you regardless, better perhaps. BTW, if you're really in love with someone you don't just let them go like that, that aint how it works. Like I said maybe you'll be better off but let it be a lesson next time.

WindSock

herwegoagain wrote:

'errrr... I think you misunderstood, I was ***ing out our names, she wasn't address me as f*ckface or anything'

HAhahaa. That was funny. I thought she addressed you as c*nt.

Best just to leave her alone and cut off all ties. It should be easier while you are on the road now. Have fun, meet other women and don't look back.

LegacyUser

'i do meet other women, they just don't compare, not that i compare them directly but I don't meet women who captivate me so very often. I guess I was stupid enough to think I could get through my time away and come back and she'd still love me. I've really always wanted to do this and I think it's important for me to be away now. Ok so I'll leave her alone, however I think I'll pay her a visit when I'm finished here, or maybe by then I wont be bothered, but face to face I know she'd want me. I guess it's the stupid male condition to take women for granted when they're doing all they can for you. All my friends seemed to think I had her wrapped around my finger, but I never thought so.'