any birth mothers with advice??

chroisa

I've dreamt for over 25 years of finding my daughter.
However, her adoptive parents were constantly refusing to
give any info. I begged through the agency for a photograph no matter how old - but no way would they consider it. the agency now say that she will not give a photo.
I kept her for as many months as was humanly possible and gave everything I could but eventually I was HAULED into the Adoption Board - the full thing = this huge long board room table with an old man at the other end asking me what the hell was I doing to the child and to the couple waiting for her.. Eventually - only for the baby's sake I gave in and signed and handed her over. HUGE MISTAKE.
I wonder sometimes if the agency are telling the truth - I have heard so many stories of people searching for their birthmother and finding brick walls. I dealt with an agency in dublin in 1970s.
I've completed the preference contact register. theres no more to do.
My other half would love if we could find her. But its like living in a maze.. the heartbreak goes on and on.
nowhere to go.
anyway, THANK YOU FOR THIS THREAD SO SO MUCH
its a relief toshare.
chroisa

chroisa

is there anybody out there who could give me any advice?? Please. Dont know what to do anymore - but really need to see the face of my daughter on a photo if nothnig else.
Chroisa

The_Conductor

Chriosa- I am not sure if you are aware of an organisation for birthmothers called Matharail? They hold regular meetings and might be in a position to help in some manner. I know some members- I'll try to find some info about meetings for you.

Edit:

Mathair Ail's website is: http://mathairail.org/
Also they have a helpline number at 087 645 1494 which is available to callers on Sundays from 2pm to 4pm and on Thursdays from 7pm to 9pm.

Kind regards,


Shane

wiskia

Hi Chroisa,
There's an organisation for natural mothers like you (and fathers) who've lost children to adoption in the past. It's called Adoption Loss/Natural Parents Network of Ireland (www.adoptionloss.ie) . They have a Group Support meeting on the first Tuesday of every month in Dublin, and there's a Helpline as well that you can phone for the price of a local call - (1890) 200046 - which is always answered by a woman who's been through the same loss as you have. They can also give you details of other support meetings throughout the country. And there's a Yahoo discussion list you can join too - adoptionloss-ireland -
Apart from that, I think it would help you to learn more about how adopted people feel, and what makes some of them want to search while others (apparently) have no interest. Go to www.adoptionireland.com and join their Yahoo discussion list. There's 100s of adopted people who'll all be interested in helping you by giving advice on how or what to do.
Did you mention that your daughter still lives at home with her adoptive parents? That's usually a factor in a reluctance to search. Another factor can be if she has adoptive siblings who've reunited and had good or bad experiences. Then again, if the sibling/s have expressed no interest in searching, your daughter might follow their lead out of loyalty. There are so many possibilities, and the "blocking" by adoptive parents is only one of them.
There's a book "Will You Still Be Here When I Get Home" by Claire Cashin (an adopted person from Cork) about her experiences of search and reunion which is worth reading. All the research on reunions points to a central truth: They work best when both parent and "child" are equally ready and determined to make it work. And although it might not seem so, the volunteering of a photograph is one step towards a reunion. It's like a symbol that a door is slowly opening.
Don't lose heart. We know of women who waited much longer than you and still had very happy reunions. And we had the privilege of helping the reunion of a woman with her 100 year old mother last year - that was quite an event! But don't worry, I'm sure you won't have to wait so long!
Wiskia

chroisa

Thank you very much for your post. There are some really interesting support groups out there - they are a great help and as you say they show more clearly the three sides of adoption.
I am looking forward to reading the book you mentioned.
Thank you very much for your time and interest. It means a lot.
I feel much better having people to relate to and have come to a place where I can accept her right to privacy and her decision., but I know it will take more time to be truly ok with it. I've no intention of trying to contact her in any way but thank you all for your help and for caring. This is a great place for people who need to get links to support groups.

jenny73

you didnt give any information about your daughter (date of birth etc.)