Sister's Boyfriend

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OK, this is really, really starting to annoy me at this stage.

My sister started seeing this guy about two years ago, behind her then boyfriend's back. I copped it almost immediately that she was cheating on her fella. I had recently been cheated on, and saw the signs. Anyway, not being one to judge my sister, I said nothing. I was heading off for a year anyway.

At the time she was 18. The new bloke was 27 - 20 and 29 now. While I was away she emailed me and told me about him, and asked me not to say anything to our mother, she would have been freaked out about the agr difference, as I was. I said nothing though. I told my mother not to aswell, when she found out. I said if you try to stop an 18 year old seeing him, she'll do it anyway. Better to be accepting than have her off without knowing where she is. Anyway, she was 18 and old enough to do whatever she wants. Fine. No issue there.

He's older than me by about a year. I was still kinda freaked out about, knowing myself what me or my mates would be like if we had hooked up with an eighteen year old, well that's what was going through my head at the time anyway.

Now, two years ago, and I still don't know a damn thing about the guy. Whenever I go to my mother's for a visit (about once a week), and he's there, I always try to say hello, maybe have a bit of a chat. But he downright either ignores or grunts a hello back. Nothing more.

Last Xmas we had some of the extended family over for the evening of Xmas Day. All of us sitting around chatting and whatever, and he wouldn't even come into the room to see anyone. He kept my sister from us too with his, what I would call, rudeness.

We went out for a family meal recently enough. I brought my girlfriend, my brother brought his, sister brought Mr. Rude, and my mam and dad. He spent the whole meal whispering to my sister. I tried a few times to talk to him, but same again, grunted one syllable answers, or just looking at my sister to answer for him. WTF?

Now, there is one other thing.

Some of my friends know him. They worked with him years ago in a hotel, They tell me he is sound. Thing is. He's still doing the exact same job in the exact same hotel as he was nine or ten years ago. He's not a chef. This immediately set off alarm bells with me. Ambition? Future?

I've just about had it with this guy, not making the effort to even get to know his girlfriend's family. We aren't scary ffs, my girlfriend was able to come out with us and chat, the first time she met everyone, and I'd consider her to be shy. My brother's girlfriend too, even the bloke my sister was seeing before this fella was able to come into the house and chat to me, my brother, father or mam.

What is this guy's problem?

Oryx

This guy may be shy, introverted, unable to make conversation or just plain rude. But your sister has chosen him. You cannot choose someone elses partner. Your sister sees something in this guy that you dont, and you have to accept that. And while you might hate to see her waste her life when she could do better, but Im afraid you will have to stand back from this. (And be ready to catch her if it all goes wrong)


As for his job, at least hes working, not sitting in a pub all day, or worse.

NextSteps

seansouth wrote:

I said if you try to stop an 18 year old seeing him, she'll do it anyway. Better to be accepting than have her off without knowing where she is.

You said it yourself. Though he doesn't sound great, what can you do? As long as she's in a safe, happy, non-abusive relationship, and he's not holding her back, you should just keep trying to be nice!

biko

Both occasions it's been him against a whole family.
Try taking him out for a few pints, just you and him and your sister. They'll be in majority then and he can relax.

If your sister is happy with this guy, that's really all you can ask for.

sticker

I'd agree with other posters - sounds to me like he's just a little shy. Granted me may be slighly dismissive, but if he's good to your sister and she's happy with him - that should be good enough. I'm blessed with my in-laws - there's no work involved at all - but it's a fact of life that some people are introverted and don't mix all that well.

I've three sisters myself and that's the only criteria I'd concern myself with in terms of their partners would be that they're happy. It'd piss me off too that he's not making the effort, but I wouldn't consider it a major problem.

I wouldn't be that quick to judge his job - I think you're being unfair there tbh. He's earning... not everyone has buckets of drive and ambition.

My 2 cents...

G&T

biko wrote:

Both occasions it's been him against a whole family.
Try taking him out for a few pints, just you and him and your sister. They'll be in majority then and he can relax.

If your sister is happy with this guy, that's really all you can ask for.

Great idea.

Have you ever thought that you give off a "I dont like you" vibe.
If you have a great job maybe he is a bit intimidated by you.
Give him a break,he is dating your sister not the whole family,
once he is good to her that's really all that matters.

KdjaCL

seansouth wrote:

1 I tried a few times to talk to him, but same again, grunted one syllable answers, or just looking at my sister to answer for him. WTF?

2 What is this guy's problem?

1.I do that with her family, i ****ing hate them and they hate me, we have an unspoken agreement that i grunt and they stop talking. Its worked well for 12 years now.

2.Your just being a big brother, leave she will leanr they all do

kdjac

bug

I'd say he probably knows how you feel about him, even underneath all your attempts to talk to him. He could be wary of you what with being a similar age and stuff..

He probably just goes along to the family do's for your sisters sake which isn't a bad thing really.

Really.. it's no big deal, people often don't get involved in other people's family's.
Once your sister is happy I really think you should concentrate on that rather than him.
Otherwise ask him out for a pint over something else, football whatever... and see if he loosens up a bit. Invite someone else that he may feel relatively comfortable with.