looking for any advice PLEASE - Chroisa

chroisa

Can anybody offer any advice or help as to where I could go from here? I've got "that pain deep down inside back again" after all these years.
I would give my heart and soul to see her face - even if only on a photograph and dont know what to do anymore. For some reason, I dont really trust that Agency that I believed in for so many years. She will be 30 soon...

chroisa

Further to my last pathetic search for advice, I've received a phone call from the agency (imagine - after all this years!) to say that 'my natural daughter' does not want any contact and is not prepared to give any type of photograph and would like to close the door as she is happily married and doesnt want any 'baggage'. just another coincidence that they should phone when I'm in this dark place wishing that I could just SEE HER FACE ON A PHOTO OR ANYWHERE JUST ONCE!

Maybe I'm wrong but birthmoms dont have any rights to anything at all - I would be happy if I could just have a photo - just to see what she looks like. Torture when the agency tell you that she looks very like me.

Leeby

chroisa wrote:

Maybe I'm wrong but birthmoms dont have any rights to anything at all - I would be happy if I could just have a photo - just to see what she looks like.

I don't mean to be harsh, but you're right. You don't have the right to force her to see you or give you a photo because you gave up that right thirty years ago. You made the decision that was best for all concerned then and now she's obviously made her own decision that she feels is best for her now. I'm so sorry, it must be so hard for you, but that's her choice and I'm afraid you just have to respect that.

At least you know she's happy now, so you know you did the right thing for her.

Blackrocks

Gee, Leeby you dont mean to be what...? harsh...? are u for real? Would not be posting if i wasnt finding it so very difficult.

Leeby

Blackrocks wrote:

Gee, Leeby you dont mean to be what...? harsh...? are u for real? Would not be posting if i wasnt finding it so very difficult.

Yes I am for real.What I meant by I don't mean to be harsh is that I do not mean to upset anyone by posting, just wanted to offer an alternate opinion. It may not be what the OP wants to hear but it's just as valid as any of the opinions in her other thread that are telling her that maybe her daughter will change her mind some day.

And can I just ask what it is that you are finding so very difficult Blackrocks? That part of your post kinda confused me?

MaryMagdalene

I guess from your response Leeby you are not a birth Mum - correct me if I'm wrong.

I know you weren't try to be harsh on purpose and of course you are entitled to your opinion. However, maybe you could bear in mind that none of us would be on this thread unless we were looking for support and feeling vunerable at this time. I think your response could have been a little better phased.

Of course her daughter has rights but that right doesn't mean that Chrosia can simply close the chapter and forget her existence - its not that simple.
Chrosia is grieving AGAIN. Remember there are always three sides to this triangle and each has their own pain to deal with.

Chrosia's post did not reject/berate/belittle/dismiss her daughters decision - it simply asked for help as to where she personally can go from here and tried to describe the additional pain that decision caused her. Unfortunately, none of us have any concrete answers for you Chrosia.

I can only say that I personally found Barnardos open group therapy brilliant. I had spent years seeing various councellors to try to resolve my own guilt and pain but never until I joined Barnardos did I find any sort of peace. In fact when open group was suggested I was totally against it but evenutally decided I had to try it. I would urge you if you can to contact them.

Blackrocks I'm thinking of you too.

MM

2funki4wheelz

hi chroisa. i don't know if this is any comfort but i'm adopted and have never made any effort to trace my birth parents and I would possibly react the same way if asked for a photo of me (or any details of my life) now.

It's absolutely not through any ill-feeling but I personally would feel that the pic would lead to more curiousity and maybe more requests for further contact, which I imagine would be very hard to turn down and could drag me into a situation that I never wanted to enter into the first place.

Leeby

MaryMagdalene wrote:

I guess from your response Leeby you are not a birth Mum - correct me if I'm wrong.

I know you weren't try to be harsh on purpose and of course you are entitled to your opinion. However, maybe you could bear in mind that none of us would be on this thread unless we were looking for support and feeling vunerable at this time. I think your response could have been a little better phased.

Of course her daughter has rights but that right doesn't mean that Chrosia can simply close the chapter and forget her existence - its not that simple.
Chrosia is grieving AGAIN. Remember there are always three sides to this triangle and each has their own pain to deal with.

Chrosia's post did not reject/berate/belittle/dismiss her daughters decision - it simply asked for help as to where she personally can go from here and tried to describe the additional pain that decision caused her. Unfortunately, none of us have any concrete answers for you Chrosia.

I can only say that I personally found Barnardos open group therapy brilliant. I had spent years seeing various councellors to try to resolve my own guilt and pain but never until I joined Barnardos did I find any sort of peace. In fact when open group was suggested I was totally against it but evenutally decided I had to try it. I would urge you if you can to contact them.

Blackrocks I'm thinking of you too.

MM

I really truly am sorry for causing offence. From what you're all saying to me I've clearly misunderstood the original post. I thought from what she said about not having any rights and what she could do about it that she was looking for advice on how to pursue her daughter further, I understand now that she was just looking for advice on how to cope with not being allowed to see her so I should not have commented at all seeing as I have no advice to give.

Once again I really am sorry, it's just that I only have experience from the side of the adoptee so I guess I jumped the gun a little.

chroisa

Hi everybody
Want to thank you all for your iinterest and to those especially who care and understand. Yes, it is possible to be STILL heartbroken and grieving after 30 years. I mentioned it to somebody in my family yesterday and was asked 'can you not leave it after you?'
I kept my daughter (in foster care) for 16 months as I kept hoping that there would be SOME WAY in which I could keep her - I loved her so much.
I am sure, many would criticise me for doing this but I was a 20-21 year old girl / mother who loved her baby more than anything.
When the Adoption board lost the cool, and brought me before the board in that big board room I caved in.
I didnt keep her for so long to damage her in any way and apparently she adapted to her adoptive home very well.
It is possible to hurt after 30 years. I dont want to interfere in her life in any way and yes, I am of course glad that she is happy, I just want to see her face - even on a piece of paper. no more, than that.
It does appear that I will never see that - so be it. It still hurts.
Chroisa

MaryMagdalene

Hi Leeby - don't worry about it, If I had a euro for each time I "jumped the gun" I'd be a millionaire by now!!!! I bet the others would agree - rational thoughts are hard when emotions are involved. Wishing you all the best.

kmick

If ALL you want is a picture then you could hire a Private Investigator to get one for you. However you have to ask yourself would this ever be enough? Once you had the picture would you want more information which would lead you into the situation where you turn up at her door? Only you know this...

BTW I am sympathetic here just thought I would mention that there is an option. It must be unbearable hard to be so close yet so far when you obviously love her to bits.

Can you write her a long letter and put in all your feelings and explanations. This in itself with be cathartic. Then send the letter to her via the agency you were dealing with. If she ever changes her mind it will be on record.

Leeby

kmick wrote:

If ALL you want is a picture then you could hire a Private Investigator to get one for you.

Can you write her a long letter and put in all your feelings and explanations. This in itself with be cathartic. Then send the letter to her via the agency you were dealing with. If she ever changes her mind it will be on record.

I promised myself I wouldn't comment on this thread again as I clearly spoke out of turn on an earlier occasion but I really can't read this without commenting! Please don't hire a private detective! I presume you wouldn't anyway but just in case you're thinking of taking this advice I just think it's such a bad idea. It's horrible to be pursued by someone in this manner if you don't want to get involved

and besides that, if your daughter does change her mind, if she ever finds out that you went against her wishes and did this she really won't be happy. However, the letter left with the agency could be good idea, if she does decide to try and find Chriosa, she'll probably find a lot of comfort in such a letter.

Although from Chroisas postings so far I presume she's already done this.

little nell

ah come on did any of you see the magdalene story? how many of those girls gave their babys up for adoption without a fight=none.back then a young girl did not have a choice .there was no help available to them,no house no money nothing.so why should they still have to suffer some 30 to 50 years later and still have some one at an agency telling them they still have no rights.