Serious things people say to you but you think its funny thread.

Plug

I just thought this is a bit a fun to get through today. Can you think of anything people say to you but there serious and you laugh at them.
The other day my friend saw a one handed man and asked me "do you ever wonder how he could eat a packet of crisps", I laughed, what are your experiences or is this just a stupid thread that should be deleted?

Plissken1

Some girl at work told me about that guy Peter Andre, how he has been rushed to hospital for a brain scan. I just had to say back to her, well ?? did they find one ???. it didnt go down too well.

Same with that guy in the freezer in Galway, same girl. when she mentioned fish shop, I mentioned that he may have been battered.

Didnt go down too well wither ooops, I just try and bite my lip now.

Mkl

My friend once said to me "they shot my gran uncle" and i laughed thinking he was kidding, but he wasn't.

Steak

Plissken1 wrote:

Same with that guy in the freezer in Galway, same girl. when she mentioned fish shop, I mentioned that he may have been battered.

I'm sure it's been said loads of times before and it's probably been posted here too but I can't stop laughing at that!!

Leon11

At an open air concert when I was 16 and said to my mates "look at those bastards sitting down up there".

Turns out those bastards where in fact wheelchair bound people!

In my defence I'm short sighted.

Red Hand

Hmmm, not too long ago, I was eating lunch with two people I know when two of them were talking about being in a pub, and yet they hadn't met each other as it was so crowded.

"I was on the top, near the front"

"Oh yeah, well I was just under you then".

I guess my spluttering just showed how immature I am...:)

Stench Blossoms

My friends sister was selling teddy's for the reach foundation for children with no limbs.

As soon as she told us the name and what it was for, we both jumped up stretching out our arms and legs and starting singing the S club 7 song reach.

She wasn't impressed.

Plug

orla wrote:

My friends sister was selling teddy's for the reach foundation for children with no limbs.

As soon as she told us the name and what it was for, we both jumped up stretching out our arms and legs and starting singing the S club 7 song reach.

She wasn't impressed.

I'll be seen you in hell:D

mloc

friend of mine said to this guy random joke about sleeping with his mother.
the guy retorted saying his mom was dead.
friend of mine thought he was joking and said "well then I'll dig her up and rattle her bones"

The guy wasn't joking.

Crea

My family are the worst ever: my sister was telling us about a funeral where the dead person had accidentally fallen from a height. My sister with eyes full of tears was telling us that they played "Flying without wings" at the end of the mass. We all fell around the place laughing.
Oh well, we'll have each other for company when we go to hell.

Not on a par with some of the above, but......

Bell:...............**ding-dong**
Me:................Hello?
Some bloke:.... eh, T.V. License?
Me:................hahahahahahaaha, just like your man off the ad!!!
Him:...................................((((silence))).......................
Me:................oh.......hang on a sec....



Also, went to a Dara O'Briain gig in Vicar St. one night and he was talking about settling a young, up and coming comedian's nerves, before he went out to support DOB. He says to the young fella, "Just get the the audience on your side early on and you'll be alright. Even if you have to give one of them a bit of stick to get the rest on your side". So your man goes on and is all "hey, how ya doin'........nice crowd here tonight". He spots a bloke in a suit sitting down surrounded by a load of people in football jersies and says "whoa, where were you earlier in your "tin of fruit"?"............Your man answers "me granny's funeral"..............:(

As he's coming off the stage (no, not in that sense you filthy preverts) DOB says to him, "tough break, kid, watch how a pro does it". He walks on stage to rapturous applause and cheering. As the cheering dies down, one last bloke goes "wahey" at the very end. DOB says: "what's wrong with you, that you can't laugh at the same time as everyone else?".

We're at this gig and can kinda see where this is all heading, but in his own words:

D.O.B.: "my first guess, would be motor neurone disease"

BrokenArrows

lol. this thread is great.

Deleted User wrote:

"whoa, where were you earlier in your "tin of fruit"?"............Your man answers "me granny's funeral"..............

What a wanker. Seriously who goes to see a comedian after a funeral.

Tchocky

Someone who needs a good laugh!

445279.ie

Customer in work the other day told me I had a bad attitude - I thought it was hilarious

She was ugly - at least I can change my attitude!!! (didn't say the last bit out loud though )

WindSock

Don't let me near Alzheimers patients. It's terrible, I know...and I am a care worker :eek:

Saw a bloke at a festival once with a T-shirt that had on the front

"I may have alzheimers......"

and on the back..

"....but at least i don't have alzheimers"

WindSock

Deleted User wrote:

Saw a bloke at a festival once with a T-shirt that had on the front

"I may have alzheimers......"

and on the back..

"....but at least i don't have alzheimers"

Ahhhahahaaa me rikey

Pherekydes

My sister rang my brother to tell him our Da had died.

Sis: Dad's dead.
Bro: My God, what did he die of?
Sis: He died of a Monday.



My Bro then came around to my house (I had no phone at the time) and said the exact same thing to me!


My whole family is weird. Especially me.

Tchocky

"I love you"

"how many pairs of shoes/clothes do you need you only have two feet/one body!"
hmm!
i thought it was really funny at the time now it seems kinda shallow

i'll buy myself some new make-up to makeup for this tread making me feel bad!

Duggy747

When working in Lidl a year ago I scanned about 4 tons-worth of shopping for an American woman. When I was finished the conversation went like this:

Me: That'll be €120.85 please (People do spend much more than that in Lidl)
She hands me a Visa Card
Me: Eh, sorry we only accept Laser Cards.
Her: What!?! Scan the card in anyways.
Me: No, it won't work *Point to BIG "Laser Cards accepted here" poster above door* We only accept Laser Cards.
Her: *Getting increasingly infuriated.* But it doesn't say you don't accept Visa. Scan it in!
Me: I'm sorry but...................
Her: *Finally snaps!* Fùcking Ireland!! You over-charged fùcking country fùckers, expecting me to pay for your houses you sell and then you Irish charge ME for THIS food!?!

I just sat there staring at her cuz she was going 90 BUT, I couldn't resist saying this in response to "you Irish charge ME for this food!?!":

Me: Ahem, eh, Lidl are German.

She lost the plot even more, left (leaving the food in the trolley), comes back in, grabs the trolley, clips it to someone else's trolley who was STILL using it and took her Euro coin and fùcked off. Pleasant.

bill_ashmount

Slow coach wrote:

My sister rang my brother to tell him our Da had died.

Sis: Dad's dead.
Bro: My God, what did he die of?
Sis: He died of a Monday.

LMFAO

Sam Vimes

@Duggy747, that woman was mental but in fairness its a bit ridiculous that they don't accept credit cards

Kinetic^

OMFG, I'm going to hell for this one.....back in November/December we had the radio on in work. The news came on and said that this girl had been dropped by her bf and then he murdered her later that day and dumped her in a ditch.....So I turned around and said "That's pretty unlucky to have been dumped twice in one day"!!!!

Needless to say the 3 broads I was working with gave me filthies!!!

sidneykidney

Lmfao :d

SNL

The worst i heard was while sitting in a pub, sky news was on and it was a memorial for auschwitz with the pope there, it was in a large court yard and it was snowing and it kept showing people shivering, my mate asked why they wouldnt just turn on the gas as the people were obviously freezing.

Archeron

boreds wrote:

Don't let me near Alzheimers patients. It's terrible, I know...and I am a care worker :eek:

I once had to process an order for an Alzheimers Associateion of some sort, and the girl rang me wondering where her delivery was. I told her I completely forgot about her order, as I did, and everybody in the office burst out laughing. She didnt though.

shane86

Commander Vimes wrote:

@Duggy747, that woman was mental but in fairness its a bit ridiculous that they don't accept credit cards

Is it? Im sick to me bollix of getting stuck behind people in the offy paying for 4 cans and a pack of smokes with a card with all the extra time it takes. If you have so little cash you cant buy this you should really quit smoking/drinking.

Peter Collins

We were talking about Jordan in the office this morning...one of the girls says "ah she did well for herself"

I says "at the end of the day she's just selling her body like any other prostitute....I could go into the Phoenix Park and make a fortune as a rent boy in the same way.....plus I wouldn't have so much of a pain in me hole as I do working here!!""

One of my better ones

ctc_celtic

not really on topic but,
when my sister was a trainee nurse, she had to do a term in the local mental hospital, there was one really paranoid fella and the sister and another trainee nurse used to tell him that the CIA where outside looking for him, just to watch him freak out and hide.
cruel but funny and they where only 18.

xzanti

Plissken1 wrote:

Some girl at work told me about that guy Peter Andre, how he has been rushed to hospital for a brain scan. I just had to say back to her, well ?? did they find one ???. it didnt go down too well.

Same with that guy in the freezer in Galway, same girl. when she mentioned fish shop, I mentioned that he may have been battered.

Didnt go down too well wither ooops, I just try and bite my lip now.

I've heard that somewhere before...

Sam Vimes

shane86 wrote:

Is it? Im sick to me bollix of getting stuck behind people in the offy paying for 4 cans and a pack of smokes with a card with all the extra time it takes. If you have so little cash you cant buy this you should really quit smoking/drinking.

that woman was buying €120 worth of shopping.

ollyk1

Commander Vimes wrote:

@Duggy747, that woman was mental but in fairness its a bit ridiculous that they don't accept credit cards

Not really.

The vendor recieves less cash for the transaction when it is paid for by credit card then they do on a laser card. Basically anyone paying with cash in tesco (as an example) is subsidising the discount credit card payers receive.

At least lidl are upfront about it and charge a lower price then would otherwise be the case.

smilingatyou

Drank one of those really large cokes, good film so cant leave for a piss,
after the film walk out slowly crouched over to reduce tention on the waist area. finally after going walk out a new man and say to my brother, 'thank god, I can walk.' Unknown to me a guy in a wheelchair was coming out right behind me.
cring to this day, funny though

Froot

Maybe this isn't funny but at the time I thought it was:

Myself and a friend from school used to always mock eachothers mothers incessantly. So anyway my mother died and at the funeral he came up to me to say hi etc and I just said "looks like I have the upper hand now".

Duggy747

Froot wrote:

Maybe this isn't funny but at the time I thought it was:

Myself and a friend from school used to always mock eachothers mothers incessantly. So anyway my mother died and at the funeral he came up to me to say hi etc and I just said "looks like I have the upper hand now".

Man, that is an absolute conversation stopper!!

WindSock

Froot wrote:

Maybe this isn't funny but at the time I thought it was:

Myself and a friend from school used to always mock eachothers mothers incessantly. So anyway my mother died and at the funeral he came up to me to say hi etc and I just said "looks like I have the upper hand now".

uw. how did you take it? I did the same to a friend when his Father died. We were standing in the pub with another friend whose Mother died a while ago and I put my hand in to the circle and said 'Welcome to the dead parent club' Forgotten all about it, until reminded, of course.

BaZmO*

ctc_celtic wrote:

not really on topic but,
when my sister was a trainee nurse, she had to do a term in the local mental hospital, there was one really paranoid fella and the sister and another trainee nurse used to tell him that the CIA where outside looking for him, just to watch him freak out and hide.
cruel but funny and they where only 18.

That's just cruel and nasty tbh. I hope she got another job that didn't involve caring for sick people.

Don1

sitting in my local in our usual spot up at the top end of the bar. There was a collection box there for the Alzheimers Society. One of the guys, curious as to how long it had been there due to the dust on it, asked and I just said without any thought, "probably just forgot about it". Cue lots of "tuts" and "ffs"s being aimed at me. I simply replied, "what, you were all thinking it", they all agreed. :rolleyes:
Another: While slagging a girl in work for dropping stuff I asked her jokingly was she handicapped. She obviously wasn't but her I had forgotten that her brother is. Shame on me. I have never forgiven myself for that.

Also have a habit of laughing hysterically at "worlds biggest accident" footage. Particularly the ones that are caused by stupidity. My family generally are not impressed. I don't care. I'm not hurt, and they are thick enough to get in these situations.

mloc

ctc_celtic wrote:

not really on topic but,
when my sister was a trainee nurse, she had to do a term in the local mental hospital, there was one really paranoid fella and the sister and another trainee nurse used to tell him that the CIA where outside looking for him, just to watch him freak out and hide.
cruel but funny and they where only 18.

seriously unprofessional. akin to a nurse kicking someone with a broken leg in the knee. should have been fired on the spot.

Kai

I was bowling with a mate of mine a few years back. I had just taken my turn and was returning to my seat when my mate tapped me on the shoulder and pointed in the direction of a group of people a few lanes up from us who appeared to be using the training skirts on the sides of the lanes normally used by kids. He said pretty loudly "look at those pack of retards". On further inspection it turned out the group of people were down syndrome sufferers .......

We left.

Twinkle-star15

smilingatyou wrote:

Drank one of those really large cokes, good film so cant leave for a piss,
after the film walk out slowly crouched over to reduce tention on the waist area. finally after going walk out a new man and say to my brother, 'thank god, I can walk.' Unknown to me a guy in a wheelchair was coming out right behind me.
cring to this day, funny though

Froot wrote:

Myself and a friend from school used to always mock eachothers mothers incessantly. So anyway my mother died and at the funeral he came up to me to say hi etc and I just said "looks like I have the upper hand now".

ROFFL!!! Froot- hope your friend took it the right way!

Duggy747

Kai wrote:

I was bowling with a mate of mine a few years back. I had just taken my turn and was returning to my seat when my mate tapped me on the shoulder and pointed in the direction of a group of people a few lanes up from us who appeared to be using the training skirts on the sides of the lanes normally used by kids. He said pretty loudly "look at those pack of retards". On further inspection it turned out the group of people were down syndrome sufferers .......

In similiar vein to yours, many years ago me and some friend's went to our local outdoor swimming pool and we sat down. My friend saw across the pool a lifeguard talking to a small child with big curly hair. He joked: "Damn, these lifeguard's girlfriend's get younger and younger". Suddenly the woman beside him turns around and says: "That's my son you're talking about!!" Turns out the child was actually a boy (He wasn't swimming) so being a good friend that the rest of us were.........we took off and left him to stew in embarrasment

Papergirl 1

Kai wrote:

I was bowling with a mate of mine a few years back. I had just taken my turn and was returning to my seat when my mate tapped me on the shoulder and pointed in the direction of a group of people a few lanes up from us who appeared to be using the training skirts on the sides of the lanes normally used by kids. He said pretty loudly "look at those pack of retards". On further inspection it turned out the group of people were down syndrome sufferers .......

We left.

Oh dear God. Hilarious, I would have died there and then!!

Tragamin2k2

A few years back the alzheimers society was doing a "buy a brick" thing to build some hospital or something. my mam came home with a leaflet about it and told us she gave them a fiver. i joked and said "wheres the brick?" and me dad quickly replied "they forgot to give it to her" heh...

A guy living around here is in a wheelchair and tbh he is a bit of a dickhead but nobody ever says anything to him because of sympathy and all that, but one time when a friend was telling me they were drinking with him for halloween i replied "he must have been legless with the drink" it didnt go down to well

When we were skiing in Austria a few months back with the school the hotel we were in was useless. The only comments you would hear from people were "those rooms are like concentration camps" or "look at the price of a coke!what are they?jews?" etc. it was nearly always overheard by someone working there...ah well

Sam Vimes

ollyk1 wrote:

Not really.

The vendor recieves less cash for the transaction when it is paid for by credit card then they do on a laser card. Basically anyone paying with cash in tesco (as an example) is subsidising the discount credit card payers receive.

At least lidl are upfront about it and charge a lower price then would otherwise be the case.

i know they get less for credit card transactions, it doesn't stop every other shop in the country taking them. and if people only found out about it after they've filled their trolley and queued up, they're hardly up front about it. in this day and age shops are expected to take credit cards, especially if they take laser cards. there should be a sign at the entrance warning people to prevent exactly that situation

Lazare

After a friends mother's funeral in that big church in Harolds cross with the really old graveyard, we were leaving the crematorium walking by the graveyard and a mate says to me...'Jaysus I'd hate to be buried in that graveyard!'

'Why' I says,


'Cos I'm not dead'

smallpaws

SNL wrote:

The worst i heard was while sitting in a pub, sky news was on and it was a memorial for auschwitz with the pope there, it was in a large court yard and it was snowing and it kept showing people shivering, my mate asked why they wouldnt just turn on the gas as the people were obviously freezing.

:eek: JAYSUS!

Spud83

Literaly happened last night.

Me and few mates were in a pub and there was a gentleman in a wheelchair who was being kicked out of the pub, to which a series of statements from us impersenating the barman and guy in wheelchair(GIW)

1) Barman: "Alright you time to go"
GIW:"No"
Barman "Alre", then proceeds to wheel him outside anyway.

2) Mates: "He probably couldn't stand", "Must have been legless"

thelordofcheese

I was visiting a friend of mine in cardiff a while back, and her mother had passed away about 3 months previous.

Now, we've known eachother for ages and we've always slagged eachother, and during the course of the night she was telling me about some antics she'd been getting up to, including having two fellahs on the go at once.

Me: "(mock Oirish accent) tsk tsk, thats fierce shockin', wait 'till i'm talkin' to yer mammy, what'll she say?"

(scilence as everyone looks at me in total horror)

My friend: "To be fair, if your talking to my mother all she's likely to say is brrrraaaaaaaiiiiiinnnnnssssssss"

Thank jebus that all worked out, i thought i was going to be lynched.

Dun laoire

In the pub with a load of mates. One of those all day binges and we went in to get a bit of grub, so it was steaks all round. So the lounge girl dropped mine and marks up first. He looked at his then mine in disgust and asked why they were so different in size. She replies by saying mine was long and skinny but his was small and thick with more meat. Poor girl never lived that one down