Can a man & a woman ever be 'just good friends'?

Leila4

Or more specifically, has anyone been in a situation with a very close friend of the opposite sex where one person's feelings have developed into something more?

py2006

Is this a general question or are you speaking from personal experience?

Spud83

I may be wrong but I would have thought that most people have at least one friend that they have had feelings for at one time or another.

Crucifix

In general? Sure, it can happen.

Leila4

py2006 wrote:

Is this a general question or are you speaking from personal experience?

It's a general question based on the personal experiences of somebody else, if that makes sense

Lola123

I've been in that situation. It's not good at all! I was totally oblivious to the fact that a friend of mine (we've been friends for about 6 years) had had a "thing" for me for quite some time. He told a mates boyfriend about these feelings about a month ago and obviously i heard all about it. (girls talk).
I'm a bit freaked out by it all tbh as I had no clue he had these kind of feelings for me, he never even flirted with me, never mind tried it on.
While part of me is flattered the other half of me is a lil bit P*ssed off....was he ever really "friends" with me or did he always want more? You start to wonder if any of the advice he gave regarding boyfriends etc was genuine advice or was he trying to pave the way for himself so to speak. (I've recently broken up with someone and he did give some "well meaning" advice).
I feel a bit awkward about the whole situation now, I know he likes me, but he doesn't know that i know. I'm now conscious of the fact that I don't want to lead him on or give him the wrong impression, so I haven't been ringing/emailing as much as i usually would.
So to answer your question.... no, I don't think it's possible for a man & woman to have a friendship if one of them feels something more than just friendship.

Leila4

Thanks Lola123,
I think I'd have to agree with you there, in so far I'd understand you wondering if well meaning advice he gave you was as objective as it could have been. On the other hand I'm sure he didn't set out for this to happen, so it's a pity the friendship has to suffer with you not feeling comfortable ringing or emailing as much.

bugler

They can be friends, sure. But best friends? This always sets my alarm bells ringing. It is possible, but I've learnt from experience that very often the guy (it's almost always the guy) has ulterior motives. I've seen a good friend do it with many girls, he didn't really have the balls to come out and say anything to the girls, and to be honest they probably wouldn't have felt the same way. It was a repeat pattern.

I was also on the receiving end of it when a girlfriend of mine had her male "best friend" of some years confess that he'd always loved her and wanted to be with her, and didn't want to go away for a year abroad because of her. It messed her head right up. And to be honest I hold such deception in contempt. No one likes rejection, but its something we all face, and you should have the courage to be honest.

Caliden

I've got a few girls I know. They're all relatively attractive and I probably would chat them up if I didn't know them.
But since I do know them so well they're not really my type and I know that even a one nighter would make things awkward so I don't think about and have a laugh with them.

Sleepy

I've got female friends I'd be completely unattracted to and I have female friends who I'd love to take to bed. However, I'm as unlikely to sleep with the latter as the former because they're "just" friends and I've no interest in pursuing a relationship with them.

Leila4

That all makes sense, but in this case it's actually the girl who has feelings for the guy, which i'm sure happens just as often. And yeah Bugler, they are very close friends which doesn't help matters at all

_blank_

Yes.

I have a very close female friend, I've known her for fifteen years, and there has never been attraction on either side.

Back when we were teenagers and had a (still have) a big, mixed group, where you'd be with one of the girls for a while, break up, and a while later be seeing someone else from the group, we were never with each other.

We went travelling the world together, and we always have a great laugh when we go out.

Tbh, she's like a lad to me. We'll text each other for pints midweek, I talk to her about stuff I wouldn't speak to other girls about. We know how to annoy each other too.

My girlfriend is totally cool with this aswell.

My friend has no boyfriend right now, and there have been times when I've been single and she's been seeing someone.

It's always been the same, and tbh, I hope it always is. It's great having such a close friend of the opposite sex.

Leila4

Sounds like the ideal situation Seansouth!

py2006

Leila4 wrote:

It's a general question based on the personal experiences of somebody else, if that makes sense

I actually had a conversation about this very topic with work colleage yesterday. He is considerably older than me (40's) with alot more lifes experience. He has recently come to the conclusion that it is impossible for a man and woman to be GREAT friends without one or the other having feelings.

I always had this thought myself. While many people have friends of the opposite sex its rarely considered to be best buddies!

Of the female friends that I have I usually only see them a handful of times throughout the year!

Drift

I've nothing really to contribute apart from to agree with the poster who said its usually the guy who develops feelings. In some rare cases its the girl but I can't understand why it happens with guys so much more. If you examine the number of times this comes up in PI its almost always a guy that has the feelings.

Anyway from a personal point of view there are one or two girls in my social circle that I would have an attraction to .... however none of these would be considered really close friends. My few very close friends are all male - this isn't by choice but I have to say that I've a feeling I'd be the type to fall for a girl who was a close friend so maybe its for the best.

So too conclude - yes its probably possible but its also quite rare because at the end of the day we're all looking for a suitable mate and clearly if your friends with someone you enjoy their company a lot in the first place so it'd be almost natural to consider close friends of the opposite sex in more than a platonic light.

dodgyme

Drift wrote:

its usually the guy who develops feelings.

Not in my experience Alot of girls want to stop a male friend from hooking up with someone. Say girl and guy are friends, the girl slways trys to destroy the guy kicking off something with someone else. Probably because of mixed up feeling towards the guy by the girl.

Zulu

Friends, yes. Best friends, no.

Petey2006

Leila4 wrote:

Or more specifically, has anyone been in a situation with a very close friend of the opposite sex where one person's feelings have developed into something more?

Yeah, I have a female mate who I see regularly, like at least once a week. We've been hanging out for years and recently she told me she'd developed feelings for me and wanted to know if we could take things to the next level, so to speak. I unfortunately didn't feel the same. We talked it out and agreed to stay friends. We're still as good mates as ever and it didn't hurt our relationship in any way. The only thing that changed is that I'm more wary of what I say about other girls in front of her now. Not to hurt her feelings or anything. I guess what it comes down to is if both of you can get past it and not let it effect your relationship. A bit of maturity and ye will both be fine.

MikeHoncho

I am increasingly of the opinion that it is impossible. Its crazy how many threads there are about it too. I think its easier for women to be friends with men without having any sexy urges but I think its nearly impossible for men to not at least think about what it would be like to hop in the sack with their female mates. I think in most cases when a man and a woman say they are best friends one of them is in love with the other. I think girls will also tell men that they are her best mate as a way of rebuking any possible advances but keeping you close for when they need a shoulder to cry on or a man cuddle. If a man is a girls best friend she probably gets everything emotional she needs from that relationship and gets the sex elsewhere. Just my 2 cents.

bugler

I probably should have added that I've been with a close female friend myself. We were spending increasing amounts of time with each other, and things graduated from slight physical contact while sitting beside each other on the couch, to mauling each other one night when the air of expectancy exploded Booty calls ensued. I should point out it was more lust than love, and there were no third parties involved, we were both single.

It ultimately ended in a bit of a rocky patch for our friendship, she got a bit weirded out, even though we had been quite clear with each other that a relationship wasn't on the cards. Things sorted themselves out and we're still in touch...but I don't fool myself into thinking we could be best friends, because I'm a man and I like to sleep with attractive women. I'd sleep with her now. Which isn't of course to denigrate any man who can control his impulses, I take my hat off to them. They are a more evolved specimen than myself.

We talked it out and agreed to stay friends. We're still as good mates as ever and it didn't hurt our relationship in any way.

Thing is, how do you know she still isn't harbouring resentment or other feelings for you? If feelings are genuinely strong I don't think they can be just talked away. I'd imagine she's still hurting. I personally don't think it can't impact on the relationship in some way.

It takes honesty, but honesty on the part of the 'friend', whatever their sex. And in the worst case scenario, if the 'friend' does have feelings, then honesty is the last thing you'll get. My girlfriend of the time had no idea this was coming, it completely shocked her. Obviously he was a good actor.

So there is really no definitive answer, but for me the answer is "No, not usually".

DD

NEVER
Sooner or later one will have feelings for the other one or to some certain circumstances smth will happen, trust me .

Leila4 wrote:

Or more specifically, has anyone been in a situation with a very close friend of the opposite sex where one person's feelings have developed into something more?

biko

I have to agree with Harry - men and women can't be friends, the sex will always be there. I have actually been with female friends and we have stayed friends after, not having to fantasise about it any more. But on more than one occasion it did wreck the friendship.

Leila, could you elaborate on your question. How is this a Personal Issue for you?

Hrududu

Of course they can be friends. My best friend is a guy, there has never been more to it than friendship on either side.

LegacyUser

I had this happen to me before. Myself and this girl were always mates, both had other gf/bf etc but always got on really well. couple times stuff nearly happened but didnt because neither of us would ever cheat. Eventually both became single again and hooked up. brief casual dating followed...and by all means probably would have ended up together but for long distance and travelling coming between us. then we both agreed we were better off just being friends as it was weird being intimate with each other.

Now we're just friends again, but every now and then i find myself thinking 'what if....?'

so in short...it depends on the people i reckon!

py2006

Hrududu wrote:

Of course they can be friends. My best friend is a guy, there has never been more to it than friendship on either side.

That your aware of!

LegacyUser

I don't know... I can't believe this... I don't see why girls and guys can't be friends. All my friends are guys and I don't have that kind of interest in any of them. I'd hope that none of them have that interest in me, they certainly haven't shown any signs and I've known them for years...

LegacyUser

'My opinion.

Men and women are actually not the exact same and are not designed to be "just friends". There's this little thing called biology which makes them want to have sex with each other. This possibly has more influence over the thought processes of men. Most platonic friendships between straight men and women are more beneficial to the woman. This is a confusing issue. I mean, if all men who are "just friends" with women and give free relationship advice while secretly pining away for the girl could grow a spine, the world would probably be a better place. Then again, if the women would just accept the glaringly obvious fact that single men do not really enjoy having discussions about other peoples relationships , and if a single guy is giving them this kind of advice on a regular basis, there's something going on,instead of acting naieve and keeping him around because they relationship is beneficial to them, and then acting all appalled when they learn that yes, human nature does in fact exist after all, even in men with low self esteem, there'd be a lot less of these situations.

If you're a female with a single male friend. Unless you're ugly he's probably at least considering it. I don't know how it got to a stage where everybody talks about this like it's just a rational decision people make and men just say "oh, I'm just friends with this woman, so I'll turn off my biology and flick the switch to platonic". Just another example of the denial of human nature in modern society I guess.

In conclusion, the combination of spineless men and selfish women who turn a blind eye to the obvious is a bad thing.'

LegacyUser

'

really? wrote:

I don't know... I can't believe this... I don't see why girls and guys can't be friends. All my friends are guys and I don't have that kind of interest in any of them. I'd hope that none of them have that interest in me, they certainly haven't shown any signs and I've known them for years...

Aah this old "all my friends are men" chestnut. Girls and guys can't be guys because despite what you want to believe, that's just not the way it works. Simple as that. Did you ever hear of procreation? Well, a lot of biological organisms, humans included, have these inbuilt drives which tell that that it's quite an important goal, more important that a platonic friendship in fact. Don't feel too bad about it. This stuff has been going on for aaagggeeesss. Since before you were born, in fact, I'm pretty sure human nature existed even before modern society taught us all that platonic friendships between males and females was somehow normal.

You probably like hanging out with men because as the only girl in the group you get the special treatment'

Red Alert

Been there done that a few times:

I had a very close female friend from when I was about 5 years old, right up to in college. Absolutely nothing ever happened between us apart from once, which in hindsight didn't really bother the friendship at all. Yes it felt a bit weird when we decided that a relationship wasn't the best idea, but we were back to normal pretty much.

Another close female friend appeared when I was about 18 and used to do grinds on a saturday. I got to know her as friends but was quite shy at the time, so didn't pick up on the obvious signals I was getting. By the time I did decide to move on it it had gone stale, so we didn't pursue it.

Next up was a girl at work. Same story, used to get on really well with her and meet up a lot as mates. I think if you go back far enough on PI you might even find a thread about her. Things took a step forward just under a year later. I'm probably quite nerdy in ways, and she didn't care about studies or anything - relationships often have less of a tolerance of different life goals than friendships do. After three months we broke up very acrimoniously and haven't really spoken since, the reasons being too many to mention.

I'm in a slightly more complicated situation at the moment, involving over one person. And I'm pretty pressed with work and other stuff so I'm not racing into anything. I have at least suggested to the person involved that it might be interesting to see if there was any more to our friendship, we haven't really pursued it anymore. I think letting it sit and going for wait-and-see is the best thing at this point.

To sum up, I think a lot of it is down to the fact that men and women are wired-up differently. Women generally have an overall sense of empathy, which in a friendship can be misconstrued as coming-on to a guy. The flip side is also true as well, as men who are good listeners (i'm told I'm one) can find it a handicap when trying to pursue a relationship.

There's also the thorny issue of either friend having a relationship with somebody else. Especially as in my case where the other person would be friends with us as well. That can unintentionally cause a big problem I think, but often how you or they feel when one of you gets a bf/gf can tell you a lot about the friendship as a whole.

Realistically I think the only valid answer to the question is - only if either the guy or the girl are gay, otherwise no.

Petey2006

bugler wrote:

Thing is, how do you know she still isn't harbouring resentment or other feelings for you? If feelings are genuinely strong I don't think they can be just talked away. I'd imagine she's still hurting. I personally don't think it can't impact on the relationship in some way.

Well, it took a few weeks for us to get back to normal. I did give her a bit of space, at her request, to sort out her head. But things do seem to be good again now. I will admit, she may harbor resentment. But she doesn't show it if she is, and this hasn't harmed our relationship.

Sleepy

I don't get this notion that men and women can never be 'just' friends.

One of my best friends is female. We're close to the point where many people think we're a couple, have slept in the same bed many times etc and honestly there's nothing romantic in it. She's a very attractive girl and sure, tbh, there are times when I look at her and think I'd love to sleep with her but even if she threw herself at me, I know I wouldn't follow through with it. We'd never work in a relationship so there'd just be no point to it.

Hrududu

I find all of these "It can never happen, one will always have feelings" to be a bit silly. Maybe this has been the case for the people posting these things. But for them to make such blanket statements about other people is a bit ridiculous and juvenile. Some say "Have you never heard of procreation?" So you jump on every person of the opposite sex you meet? You never meet a person and just dont find them attractive, but otherwise get on with them?

Andy-Pandy

Of course men and women can be 'just' friends. I am in the lucky position where i have a good few very close female friends. Some of them i have fallin for in the past (and the present, god damn her), but a few who i would never look on in a sexual way, even though they could be classed as the more attractive girls in the group. Its all relative, if you dont have many girls as friends, when you do, ya can confuse the signals. If you have loads of female friends, you can just look at them as just that, friends.

MikeHoncho

Sleepy wrote:

I don't get this notion that men and women can never be 'just' friends.

One of my best friends is female. We're close to the point where many people think we're a couple, have slept in the same bed many times etc and honestly there's nothing romantic in it. She's a very attractive girl and sure, tbh, there are times when I look at her and think I'd love to sleep with her but even if she threw herself at me, I know I wouldn't follow through with it. We'd never work in a relationship so there'd just be no point to it.

Do you know 100% that she isnt attracted to you though? It is possible that in this case you are in the role that is usually inhabited by the female ie you like her as a friend she fulfills certain needs that you have emotionally and physically (share a bed on occasion, cuddle up to watch a DVD) but that she secretly wishes the relationship was more. She may never act on it but the feelings could still be there.

To put things into context I used to think the same way that you do up untill very recently but just through certain observations on my group of friends and other groups I know my opinion has changed.

muboop1

im a dude, and my best friend is a girl, iv honestly never thought about her as anything other then a friend, shes very good looking and has guys constantly all over/after her! shes obiously nice due to her being my best friend and i get on better wit her then nearly any1...and yet... no! the idea of me doing anythign with her is just wrong in my mind!
yes u can be just mates... den again my sister is going out with her...well what used to be her best mate n shes with him for nearly 6 years! so i dunno! depends on the person i suppose!

Hermione*

I defnitely believe it's possible to be just friends and also best friends. Some of my closest friends are guys; one of my male friends is one of the first people I turn to in a crisis. I've known him for years, and I know there's nothing more than friendship between us because he's very anti-relationships. Tbh, there's a lot less bitchiness and other crap with my male friends than some of my girl friends.

McGinty

I've been in that situation. It's not good at all! I'm a bit freaked out by it all tbh as I had no clue he had these kind of feelings for me, he never even flirted with me, never mind tried it on.
While part of me is flattered the other half of me is a lil bit P*ssed off....was he ever really "friends" with me or did he always want more? So to answer your question.... no, I don't think it's possible for a man & woman to have a friendship if one of them feels something more than just friendship.

The fact he has said nothing could mean he values the friendship more than his own desire, it is something to consider.

Op in answer to your question I am friends with a guy I really like, I fancy him, would definately have a relationship with him but he doesn't feel the same way, he cares for me and likes me as a person. I have said this to him, that is I am attracted to you and we talked about it briefly. However I accept that he does not feel the same way and I get so much more from the friendship that I accept his decision and set aside my attraction towards him. He is not my best friend but a good friend and we can be intimate on a platonic level and I am happy and satisfied with it. I believe the fact that I told him his feelings means that we both know where to place the boundaries, and the honesty has opened out the friendship. Personally I would never share a bed with a male friend, I don't think it would work for me (maybe because I am just a rampant old goat but that is just me) and neither would my friend.

Sadthruth

I don't know how it got to a stage where everybody talks about this like it's just a rational decision people make and men just say "oh, I'm just friends with this woman, so I'll turn off my biology and flick the switch to platonic".

I don't think people need to switch of their biology, I have fancied other male friends in the past, but I have been aware of my attraction been honest with myself, and worked with those feelings rather than deny them. I believe when you deny them that awkward situation occur eg: drunken slobbering over a friend is one example. Sometimes you can say okay I really fancy this person but I also like them as a friend and I get so much more from the friendship that attraction no longer matters. In other words by accepting it is there you can rise above it.

I do think men and women can be friends if they are honest and open with themselves and each other. I also feel that at times depending on the situation, the individuals and their personality, that they cannot be friends, espicially where one manipulates the other into a romantic situation. Again this has happened to me where a male (and married) friend tried to manipulate me under the guise of friendship so one needs to keep aware of those situations as well. Personally with any friendship you need to state what the boundaries are and then enforce them so that all parties are protected and the friendship can flourish.

Awayindahils

It was weird being intimate with each other.

I'm currently going out with someone who was for a long time a very good friend. I'm not going to go into the jigs and the reels of the whole thing but to put as concisely as possible, I think I liked him when we first met, if I could remember when we first met, reckoned he didn't feel the same and realised I didn't, became very good friends (took about a month, the liked being an intial "yeah I would kinda thing") During the summer spent alot time in contact and saw each other fairly regularily began to relaise that I felt a hell of a lot more than an attraction or friendship and still did nothing about it. Got taken to lunch to hear about his girlfriend and helped him to shop for her. Yada yada time passes, I decide that I can love him as a friend but need to kick him the hell out of my system and then scored his best friend. He found out and stopped talking to me. For 6 weeks.

An awful lot of crap happened in those 6 weeks and we began talking under fairly dire circumstances. We spent about 3 weeks getting to know each other again. This may sound silly but we had hurt each other so much with our actions that we basically destroyed our friendship. There was nothing there in terms of friendship the first night we spoke after the 6 weeks. It was kind of a start over.

Life was at a stressed max with exams and other things and I had given up alot of time since we started talking and he had explained everything (not to do with me but why he had been crap other than me) and was finding it all to hard to cope. My feelings were there and he really needed a friend.

Rang him one night and met him in town and asked for space cos I didnt want to ruin our second attempt at friendship. And I didnt want to ruin my exams. He then told me that he liked me. All very dawsons creek.

I thought that night that we had decided to leave it but within two days we were scoring and within a week were had decided we were going out. Neither of us were sure if it were just a stress thing or something more. 3 and a half months later we're still together.

But we didn't get together when we were great friends. We didnt try to move towards being great friends again when we started talking. To get together and to work together it kinda needed to be a relationship specifically for that. Tagging it on to something else wouldnt have worked for us. This is not to say that we dont have all the benefits of being friends. We know lots of stuff about each other. I wont take any crap from him. He slags the hell out of me still. Occassionally i miss bits of our friendship which wouldnt fit in a relationship. Silly things. But I waaaay prefer going out with him.

Relationships and Friendships have differnet demands. I do think me and women can be friends but I dont think relationships will work out of those friendships if it is just an addition. An add on. A plus. Thats friends with benefits, not bf/gf.

So to acknowledge the quote and the reason why. being intimate with each other for the first time was the most stressful, awkward, god this has to work or we cant out and then ahh thing, ever. It's easy to laugh about it now, but it would have been so much easier in front of a stranger. Someone who meant less to me, had slagged me less, knew less of my fears and was generally a little more anon. Now I wouldn't swap any of those things for what I have.

There was a point and it may have been lost. Men and Women friends- yes.
Men and Women friendship to relationship- more difficult than it may at first appear. Men and Women taking sex onto friendship= relationship? No.

Leila4

MikeHoncho wrote:

I am increasingly of the opinion that it is impossible. Its crazy how many threads there are about it too. I think its easier for women to be friends with men without having any sexy urges but I think its nearly impossible for men to not at least think about what it would be like to hop in the sack with their female mates. I think in most cases when a man and a woman say they are best friends one of them is in love with the other. I think girls will also tell men that they are her best mate as a way of rebuking any possible advances but keeping you close for when they need a shoulder to cry on or a man cuddle. If a man is a girls best friend she probably gets everything emotional she needs from that relationship and gets the sex elsewhere. Just my 2 cents.

I think I would have to agree there. The reason I decided to post the question is because i've a good female friend who is very close mates with a male friend, so much so that they share everything, and are in constant communication every day. This girl is in a long time relationship, and her boyfriend is also friends with this guy, but not on such an intimate level of course, so from time to time this causes a little jealousy.. Anyway, recently i've had the feeling that her feelings about this friend have developed into something stronger, I'm not going to bring it up with her unless she comes to me about it, but it really seems like MikeHoncho got it right in saying that 'If a man is a girls best friend she probably gets everything emotional she needs from that relationship and gets the sex elsewhere' because from what I can make out, the only thing that differentiates between her 'platonic' friendship and her relationship is sex.
It's very interesting to hear the general consensus being that a close male/female 'best' friendship doesn't work, because I would tend to agree that this situation spells trouble, even though I really don't think that either are the type to cheat and that is even IF the feeling was mutual.

MrBaseball

Awayindahils wrote:

I'm currently going out with someone who was for a long time a very good friend. I'm not going to go into the jigs and the reels of the whole thing but to put as concisely as possible, I think I liked him when we first met, if I could remember when we first met, reckoned he didn't feel the same and realised I didn't, became very good friends (took about a month, the liked being an intial "yeah I would kinda thing") During the summer spent alot time in contact and saw each other fairly regularily began to relaise that I felt a hell of a lot more than an attraction or friendship and still did nothing about it. Got taken to lunch to hear about his girlfriend and helped him to shop for her. Yada yada time passes, I decide that I can love him as a friend but need to kick him the hell out of my system and then scored his best friend. He found out and stopped talking to me. For 6 weeks.

An awful lot of crap happened in those 6 weeks and we began talking under fairly dire circumstances. .....................................
..................

This story has me stressed out just from reading it, so I can't imagine how stressful it must be to actually be a member of this relationship. This doesn't sound like any relationship I'd like to find myself in, to be honest. Good luck though! As for my actual contribution to this thread, I made the two "thesadtruth" posts.

I really think that the vast vast majority of male/female friendships of the "we're good friends" variety involve one selfish party and one with feelings for the other.

I have a female friend,just one. We're not "best friends" or anything close to it. We get on well and go for lunch in college, if she has a problem , I'd be willing to help her out. The reason this works I think,and it's a sad thing to admit, is that I have a girlfriend who is much better looking than her, so I'd find it difficult to get hung up on her. She also has had a boyfriend as long as I've known her and they are a very nice couple, so I have no reason to think that I'm ever "leading her on".

That said, I still consider her in a "what if" kind of way.

An ex girlfriend of mine had a "good male friend" when I started going out with her. I'm not the jealous type so I let this be and figured it was pretty innocent. Of course, low and behold, couple of months later, we had a couple of arguments and I got told about how she has much more fun when she's having conversations with him/hanging out with him. She was promptly dumped.

In my younger and more vulnerable years, I became good friends with a girl. We had a lot in common. We could chat away for ages about anything. So, after not so long, I found myself very interested in her. So then, being young, inexperienced and somewhat meek when it came to women I took the common cowards route. Didn't tell her anything, acted like a pal, fell over myself to help her out and asked nothing in return(asked, not wanted). She didn't feel the same at all. This was good for me, one of the best learning experiences of my life, and I'm glad it happened when I was young, so that I could learn "the way of things" and not delude myself about male-female dynamics and live in lala land like so many other people. That said, this experience was quite painful to me, and a situation I decided to avoid in future. This combined with observations of many many other situations, leads me to believe that there is a pattern that these things follow, and that most people who claim that male female "good friendships" with both parties on an equal footing and feeling nothing non-platonic are normal, are just in a stage of youthful denial. Either that or they're women who don't want to admit that maybe all those lovely male friend groupies they keep around and tell all their relationship problems to, might actually have male instincts and an ulterior motive after all.

Drift

MrBaseball wrote:

So, after not so long, I found myself very interested in her. So then, being young, inexperienced and somewhat meek when it came to women I took the common cowards route. Didn't tell her anything, acted like a pal, fell over myself to help her out and asked nothing in return(asked, not wanted).

Have that t-shirt myself too. I think it happens a lot in male female platonic relationships - you get so afraid of losing the friendship that you won't risk doing anything that might make her pissed off at you. All too often the girl in question has no idea at all that the guy feels this way. I'm not sure calling it an ulterior motive is the best description though, its not leading the girl along so you can eventually bone her .... its almost the exact opposite, leading yourself along that things might change in the future.

I can only speak from the guys point of view here - its happened to me and mr baseball and at least 2 other guys I know and has been a learning experience for us all. Maybe the girls could enlighten us on if women find the same problems sometimes?

Leila4

Maybe the girls could enlighten us on if women find the same problems sometimes?[/QUOTE]


Oh without a doubt. It's happened to me in the past and if you read my earlier post you'll see that its actually a female friend of mine its happening to at the moment, the more headwrecking thing for her though is that she is in a committed relationship.

The Bollox

in my experience most, if not all, cross-gender friendships happen because one finds the other attractive, and it will probably go both ways, but initially they won't want to 'get into each other' just be friends. most of my female friends I hang with because I find them in some way attractive. is this shallow? most guys will be in the same situation as me

Agent Smith

Can Men and Women Be Friends? Of Course!
My best friend is Female, and I really really doubt that i'd go out with her, she's wonderfull, but i really dont see her that way.
A lot of my friends are female, Depends a lot on whether you went to a ALL boys school, or a Mixed. Honnestly I think If you went to a single sex school, your more likely to have Friends of the Same sex, then mixed sex schools.

Sleepy

MikeHoncho wrote:

Do you know 100% that she isnt attracted to you though? It is possible that in this case you are in the role that is usually inhabited by the female ie you like her as a friend she fulfills certain needs that you have emotionally and physically (share a bed on occasion, cuddle up to watch a DVD) but that she secretly wishes the relationship was more. She may never act on it but the feelings could still be there.

To put things into context I used to think the same way that you do up untill very recently but just through certain observations on my group of friends and other groups I know my opinion has changed.

Nope, we've actually discussed it at length and joke about the fact that we should just shag and get it over with to keep everyone else happy. I know she thought I was cute when I first met her (and tbh the feeling was mutual). I was going out with someone else at the time, we got to know each other as friends and as we got to know each other realised that while we like each other a lot we want different things than each other in a partner, would be totally sexually incompatible and would frankly be one of those couples it's a pain in the arse to be around because they never stop rowing.

I love this girl like I love most of my best male friends (though given the different dynamics of male/female friendships as opposed to male/male ones I wouldn't need a bottle of whiskey in me to tell her that), I do find her sexually attractive and I'd do almost anything for her and from 5 years of knowing her and talking to her I know as certainly as you can know anything about another person that she feels the same way about me.

If I'd been single when we first met, we'd probably have gotten together, dated for a few months, broken up and ended up as good friends again a few months later but tbh, it's been easier this way.

I have plenty of other female friends that I'd be close to but she's the only one I'd consider to be one of my best friends that I haven't dated at some point in the past.

As someone else pointed out earlier in this thread, I'd personally believe that there are things you can forgive in a close friend that you wouldn't in a partner. Little personality foibles that would drive you mad in someone you wanted to spend the rest of your life with, it's far easier to just accept or agree to disagree on with friends.

Hermione*

Sleepy wrote:

As someone else pointed out earlier in this thread, I'd personally believe that there are things you can forgive in a close friend that you wouldn't in a partner. Little personality foibles that would drive you mad in someone you wanted to spend the rest of your life with, it's far easier to just accept or agree to disagree on with friends.

Definitely agree. There are things about my best (male) friend that annoy me, but I get over them because I want to be friends with him (this guy knows me well enough to know when I'm pissed off over the phone!) and it's not worth having a argument about. But I know in a relationship, these habits would drive me crazy and it'd never last.

I honestly couldn't imagine how one-dimensional life must be if all your friends were of the same sex. Maybe this is how it is for other people,and they're happy about it, but I wouldn't want it for me.

NZdubstar

I only have a couple of female friends. I am not attracted to them in the slightest. You cannot be a normal friend to someone you are attracted to. Hot chicks have lots of male "friends". They just want to be around them because they're hot, and because they want to bang them. Women are quite stupid when it comes to this stuff.

Sleepy

NZdubstar, tbh, I think it's you who's quite stupid when it comes to this stuff. Stupid or young.

Leila4

NZdubstar wrote:

I only have a couple of female friends. .

I'm not surprised

NZdubstar wrote:

Hot chicks have lots of male "friends". They just want to be around them because they're hot, and because they want to bang them. Women are quite stupid when it comes to this stuff. .

I presume the 'they' here is men, and that is an unreal generalisation for you to make. That speaks volumes about how you think and operate, but I can tell you, even coming from a woman, that there are a hell of a lot of decent, genuine men out there. And I am certainly not considered stupid for thinking that.

MrBaseball

Leila4 wrote:

I presume the 'they' here is men, and that is an unreal generalisation for you to make. That speaks volumes about how you think and operate, but I can tell you, even coming from a woman, that there are a hell of a lot of decent, genuine men out there. And I am certainly not considered stupid for thinking that.

Yeah!! You tell him! Decent and genuine men don't feel attracted to women. Decent and genuine men just want platonic friendships with women. Being attracted to women is some sort of negative character trait and is somehow dirty and something to be ashamed of. I hope he feels sufficiently ashamed! I suggest he finds every woman he's ever been attracted to and apologises profusely.

I agree with Leila4, and I for one pity this man, this poor beast who thinks and operates in such an unevolved way! Imagine, to think that men might actually be atracted to women. I suggest you grow up and realise that sex is a sin and realise that male-female platonic friendship is actually the most satisfying thing in the world.

You know, I don't know how humanity got this far, but I'll tell you one thing, it certainly wasn't due to men and women being naturally attracted to each other.

MikeHoncho

Sleepy wrote:

Nope, we've actually discussed it at length and joke about the fact that we should just shag and get it over with to keep everyone else happy. I know she thought I was cute when I first met her (and tbh the feeling was mutual). I was going out with someone else at the time, we got to know each other as friends and as we got to know each other realised that while we like each other a lot we want different things than each other in a partner, would be totally sexually incompatible and would frankly be one of those couples it's a pain in the arse to be around because they never stop rowing.

I love this girl like I love most of my best male friends (though given the different dynamics of male/female friendships as opposed to male/male ones I wouldn't need a bottle of whiskey in me to tell her that), I do find her sexually attractive and I'd do almost anything for her and from 5 years of knowing her and talking to her I know as certainly as you can know anything about another person that she feels the same way about me.

If I'd been single when we first met, we'd probably have gotten together, dated for a few months, broken up and ended up as good friends again a few months later but tbh, it's been easier this way.

I have plenty of other female friends that I'd be close to but she's the only one I'd consider to be one of my best friends that I haven't dated at some point in the past.

As someone else pointed out earlier in this thread, I'd personally believe that there are things you can forgive in a close friend that you wouldn't in a partner. Little personality foibles that would drive you mad in someone you wanted to spend the rest of your life with, it's far easier to just accept or agree to disagree on with friends.

Thats cool man. I think it proves my point though that at least at one time there was a sexual attraction and something could have happened. So at one point you werent "just" friends. I suppose it comes down to what you value more and in your case it is the friendship. I respect that.