My complete inability to get guys

rsynnott

First off, I'm a 22 year old gay male.

I've been out now for five or so years, and in that time I've never had a proper relationship. I'm very unattractive, and I'm also very shy with new people (in particular, with new gay people); this is probably an unfortunate combination under the circumstances. I've never been any good at the whole meeting people in clubs thing; too shy. And while I know lots of gay people from college, they're never interested in me. I don't think I've gone through a day since I came out without feeling unhappy about my inability to get guys and jealous of the way that most of my friends seem to be able to.

Now, it all seems somehow worse; I'm finished college, so realistically I'm going to be meeting barely any new gay guys, and so my (already diminished) chances of ending up in a relationship (or even scoring someone) start to fade away to nothing. It all seems fairly hopeless.

By the way, considerably older guys do go for me quite a bit; however, I do not find considerably older guys to be attractive.

I suppose there's very little I can do, but I'm finding all of this increasingly hard to deal with.

Volvoboy

Well not knowing too much of the gay dating protocal, i'm going out on a limb, i would recon that its pretty difficult to find 'the one', would you have any gay friends which the relationship is purely platonic that you could go out on the pull, if ya do go out to a few of the club The George and the like, just get into the scene more lastly never consider yourself unattractive, i'm no oil painting myself but i couldnt give a flying f**k what others thought of the way i look.


Theres a Q for every U



-VB-

rsynnott

Volvoboy wrote:

Well not knowing too much of the gay dating protocal, i'm going out on a limb, i would recon that its pretty difficult to find 'the one', would you have any gay friends which the relationship is purely platonic that you could go out on the pull, if ya do go out to a few of the club The George and the like, just get into the scene more lastly never consider yourself unattractive, i'm no oil painting myself but i couldnt give a flying f**k what others thought of the way i look.

The original post possibly isn't clear enough; I have lots of gay friends, and I go to the George and similar all the time. It's just that guys aren't interested in me.

For unattractiveness, see http://rsynnott.com/stuff/eep.jpg

biko

You don't look bad as far as I can tell from the one pic.

Two things attract people: appearance and confidence.
And personality, humour, cheek, etc etc. But you need to start somewhere.

Work on your clothes and the way you carry them. Look at other people of similar bodyshape and ask where they got their clothes, then buy them. Go to a gym. Get a sunbed tan. Smile often.

To sum up: it might sound crass but if you can make you look and feel good about yourself then others will pick up on it and become attracted. When you notice people becoming attracted your confidence will increase and so on...

Owen

Well rsynott, I just showed your photo to a gay mate, and he reckons you should have no bothers pulling. Are you on gaydar, or any similar sites?

dudara

Don't be so self-conscious and hard on yourself. I don't see anything unattractive in your picture. Your overly hard self-image is affecting your confidence, which is being picked up by the people you're trying to meet.

Be more positive.

biko

dudara wrote:

Be more positive.

Ha, you should have that in your sig, PI mod

Volvoboy

rsynnott wrote:

For unattractiveness, see http://rsynnott.com/stuff/eep.jpg

:rolleyes:, you dont have a ugly problem you have a self confidence problem! When you walk into a room pretend you own it!



-VB-

rsynnott

ned78 wrote:

Well rsynott, I just showed your photo to a gay mate, and he reckons you should have no bothers pulling. Are you on gaydar, or any similar sites?

Yep; no good. I get any amount of messages from fat pensioners, though!

biko wrote:

Work on your clothes and the way you carry them. Look at other people of similar bodyshape and ask where they got their clothes, then buy them. Go to a gym. Get a sunbed tan. Smile often.

I've never been any good at clothes shopping; I find it enormously intimidating. I go to a gym. My face doesn't really move that way :P

dudara wrote:

Don't be so self-conscious and hard on yourself. I don't see anything unattractive in your picture. Your overly hard self-image is affecting your confidence, which is being picked up by the people you're trying to meet.

Be more positive.

People have told be to do this, and I've tried, but it's far, far easier said than done.

Nevyn

What about a self assertivness class and get some of your gay mates to go shopping with you.

rsynnott

Thaedydal wrote:

What about a self assertivness class

Actually tried one once; the GMHP occasionally runs free ones. It more irritated me than anything else.

Thaedydal wrote:

and get some of your gay mates to go shopping with you.

They have, and it's probably the only reason I have any clothes at all!

hullaballoo

rsynnott wrote:

People have told be to do this, and I've tried, but it's far, far easier said than done.

Without meaning to sound dismissive; are you trying to take the 'easy' way out, then?

I have similar problems with my self-esteem/confidence, but I've found that building on what traits you pride yourself in (e.g., if you're a good judge of character), that can give you better confidence. It can also give you something to talk about with new people. To follow on from my example, if you get chatting to someone and you notice something positive about their character, tell them.

It does take some very difficult and self-reflective thought to come up with those points that can give you any amount of confidence. From my experience, you tend to focus on bad points and dig yourself a pit to wallow in from there. Start with the good points. Don't let the 'bad' points creep in. If they creep in, go back to the start - the good points.

I found it very tough, and I sometimes lapse back into low self-esteem. However, I know that this is a vicious circle that won't stop until I build up my self-esteem again.

Another thing I'd say is that because so many of us have picked up on the self-esteem issue, it might be an idea to take it on board and not give up on it.

Although phrases like "smile, be happy" may seem throw-away, laughing to yourself will make you feel good*. Smiling gives everyone around you a positive feeling. If you smile at someone, they automatically smile back.

*To elaborate, I was listening to a radio show that had a man from Africa on it talking about maintaining a positive attitude. He and his followers would chant the words "ha ha ha, ho ho ho ho". It works! I do prefer to just watch a good bit of Ricky Gervais or something, but if none's available, just mouthing those words can give you a lift.

aidan24326

rsynnott I know it may be almost cliched and all that but confidence is probably the single most important thing in these situations(meeting people). Easier said than done of course, but you have to work on it. I myself was a shy underconfident person when I was younger but if you met me now you wouldn't know it.

That doesn't come about by itself though, you have to work on it and even force yourself sometimes, if a situation is making you feel shy, awkward just persevere and try to remember you've got nothing to feel inferior about. You'll find it's not that hard once you make the effort. Trust me everyone has their insecurities even the ones who don't let on. Some people are just better at hiding it than others.

You're caught up in a very negative mindset which is dragging you down. From your picture you don't look unattractive at all, and I'm not just saying that to make you feel better. Many a less physically attractive guy than you has pulled the best looking men/women. Gay or straight it's not that much different, if you have poor self-image and no confidence people pick up on that. You can change it yourself but you have to alter the way you see yourself and stop thinking it's because you're ugly, 'cos you aint.

EDIT: hullabalu's suggestion of listing/emphasising your good points and attractive qualities is a good one.

aidan24326

EDIT double post.

WindSock

rsynnott wrote:

For unattractiveness, see http://rsynnott.com/stuff/eep.jpg

You're not unattractive in that pic. You look a bit like that Irish actor, whats his name...begins with R I think, he's in the Hugo Boss ad.

BackwardRussia

You can't love others, until you love yourself.

LegacyUser

Your not unattractive at all, you have low confidence. That is the problem! Your better looking than average that is definitely for sure and I'm a guy.

IRLConor

rsynnott wrote:

biko wrote:

Smile often.

My face doesn't really move that way :P

Rubbish! I've seen you smile!

Just because you think you're unattractive doesn't mean everyone else does. How many times have you seen people debate the attractiveness of another? Attractiveness is a highly subjective matter.

Since you are not confident about your looks, perhaps I could suggest that you look for situations to meet guys which allow you to reveal your personality, intelligence, wit, and so forth? You may be shy, but you're not awkward. Maybe try to meet new guys via a mutual friend so that you can use that person as an ice-breaker to get the conversation rolling. Play to your strengths (real or perceived) and you should have less trouble overcoming your shyness.

Above all:

• Cut down on the self deprecation, it can't be good for you.
• Relax. If you wind yourself up about meeting guys it will only make it harder for you when it comes to actually doing it. (I fell into this trap for years myself, it's easy to over-think things.)

challengemaster

Ah jaysus ... how many times do I (and everyone else on IRC) have to tell you you're fecking good looking! /

seriously mate.. you gotta stop with this **** of "I'm ugly" etc... most people arent models either mate.. I certainly know I'm not, and have had days where i look like a racoon dragged through a ditch for 4 hours. Other people like seeing confidence in others - so be confident about yourself.

IRLConor - great advice imo

the_syco

rsynnott wrote:

For unattractiveness, see http://rsynnott.com/stuff/eep.jpg

Without sounding gay, if you call the person in the above picture ugly, wot the bleedin jaysus do you call handsome?:eek:

Dude, you just gotta chill a bit, I think. If you go out every weekend trying to score, every weekend will seem a failure. If you go out to enjoy yourself, you'll not only feel better, but it'll also have a side effect: happiness = smile:)

rsynnott

the_syco wrote:

Without sounding gay, if you call the person in the above picture ugly, wot the bleedin jaysus do you call handsome?:eek:

Well, I'd say I'm worse-looking than most guys my age.

the_syco wrote:

Dude, you just gotta chill a bit, I think. If you go out every weekend trying to score, every weekend will seem a failure. If you go out to enjoy yourself, you'll not only feel better, but it'll also have a side effect: happiness = smile:)

I know, I know; it's hard to ignore it when there's people scoring all around you, though...

Wibbs

rsynnott wrote:

Well, I'd say I'm worse-looking than most guys my age.

There's the problem right there. Your thought process about the whole thing. You know it is too. You're no gobshíte. From what I can see you look pretty good looking. Put it this way if we were both competing for the attentions of the same woman, I would be more concerned than I would be with a lot out there. That said if you're saying that your face isn't "built" for smiling that concern would fritter away to nothing. Regardless of gender, the lack of smiles would put most off(unless you're up for pulling EMOs). If I was talking to an absolute stunner and she had an expression like someone who found something objectionable on the sole of her shoe, I would probably walk away. I don't think it's your face, it's more likely the expression on it that is the sticking point. Maybe I'm wrong, but there you have it.

From my experience of the gay community, there does seem on the surface at least a more obvious grading in the looks and youth dept. It's there in spades in the straight world too. Moreso even, but it just seemed to me looking in to be more open in the gay world. That said my gay mate through which I would see that side, has a face like a bag of hammers and he seems to do ok. More than ok. Then again he's an inveterate smiler and great crack all round. People like people who make life fun. They want to be around them. They will grade them far higher in the pants dept. too, compared to a grumpy adonis. That's even more important in a longterm partner prospect. Sure looks will help in a big way, but that's not your problem I reckon.

Maple

you're not ugly. end of. and from reading some of your blog you seem pretty funny too. stop running yourself down, its just negative self affirmation. its so harmful to your psyche. just try and think good thoughts about yourself, the more positive you are the more positives you will attract into your life.

BaZmO*

OP you're right, you are unattractive. Not in a physical sense but from reading your posts on this thread you come across as a right Chicken Licken by dismissing any suggestions that people give and constantly calling yourself ugly. That is extremely unattractive to any prospective partners, unless of course you're into Emo's. Like seriously, who wants to be around someone that moans all the time, especially when their complaints are unfounded.

And as for not being in a serious relationship yet, you're only 22 FFS!! I know people that have made it into their 30's without being in a serious relationship. Not that there was anything wrong with these people, it was just a case of not meeting the right person yet.

You need to stop maudlin about and feeling sorry for yourself. Self deprecating humour is all well and good when done with large dose of irony but when it's done to reinforce a persons negative feelings towards them self it'll only result in you remaining in your rut.

Stop moping about and go out and enjoy yourself, you'll regret it when you're older if you don't.

Sleepy

rsynnott, you're not a bad looking guy, if I was gay you'd stand a good chance

Like other's have said, it's a self-esteem/confidence problem you suffer from. Would I be right in guessing you were bullied in secondary school, possibly as a result of your sexuality? If that's the case, remember that you're a better person than those that bullied you. I'd also hazzard the guess that you're probably doing better in life than them now too.

You need to focus on things that make you happy. What talents do you have, even if it's something you're slightly better than most people at, persue it and you'll find your confidence growing. You say you already go to a gym so that puts you in the position of being in better shape than most of this country. Look at yourself honestly - what is it you find unattractive about yourself? Too slight? Change your gym program to build some muscle. Bit of a beer belly? Alter it to burn fat.

Volvoboy suggested what I'd call the 'act as if' approach to developing self-confidence. It's hard to do but I used it myself for a significant part of my dating life in college and it does work to a certain extent. Simply by seeing others reactions to you when you act confidently you develop a certain confidence in yourself.

Right now what's holding you back is your lack of self-esteem. People aren't going to like you romantically if you don't like yourself. You mention that a lot of older guys seem to be attracted to you. I'd guess that a lot of these guys went through the same thing you're going through now when they first came out and now they see you as that part of themselves and want to protect you from it. These guys have obviously developed their self confidence if they think they have a chance with a good looking younger guy like yourself so take their approaches for what they are - compliments that should increase your sense of self worth and a sign that things can change for you too.

Nevyn

Don't just use gaydar, you know yourself there are many other dating sites out there, be it meetup.com, gumtree, adultfriends, okstupi I mean okcupid.

rsynnott

BaZmO* wrote:

And as for not being in a serious relationship yet, you're only 22 FFS!! I know people that have made it into their 30's without being in a serious relationship. Not that there was anything wrong with these people, it was just a case of not meeting the right person yet.

No, I meant any relationship at all.

Sleepy wrote:

You need to focus on things that make you happy. What talents do you have, even if it's something you're slightly better than most people at, persue it and you'll find your confidence growing. You say you already go to a gym so that puts you in the position of being in better shape than most of this country. Look at yourself honestly - what is it you find unattractive about yourself? Too slight? Change your gym program to build some muscle. Bit of a beer belly? Alter it to burn fat.

No, I'm not too unhappy with my body, it's more my face.

Thaedydal wrote:

Don't just use gaydar, you know yourself there are many other dating sites out there, be it meetup.com, gumtree, adultfriends, okstupi I mean okcupid.

I've tried a few others, too.

BaZmO*

Negative, Negative, Negative.

You constantly seem to be dwelling on the negative aspects. If you keep doing that it will become a self fulfilling prophesy. You need to start focusing on your good points and not your perceived bad points. Every one on the thread so far has said that you're not ugly so it's obviously not your looks that's making it difficult to meet people.

Beruthiel

rsynnott wrote:

For unattractiveness, see http://rsynnott.com/stuff/eep.jpg

Sorry rsynnott, but as everyone else has said, you are an attractive guy and your looks have absolutely nothing to do with your pulling power and everything to do with your lack of confidence.
You've got to love yourself before anyone else can.
You've got to start working on yourself from the inside and pushing your boundries.
You could start with doing a course on self confidence/self esteem, you won't die from making an effort.
One things for sure, your attitude towards yourself has got to change.

neuro-praxis

You're extremely nice looking actually. I was expecting some kind of deformed minger.

You have a distorted view of yourself, and nothing we say will change that. You are living a kind of inverted-narcissism and it's making you miserable.

There are reasons you feel ugly and it has nothing to do with your looks. Maybe you were called ugly by a parent/sibling/beautiful person/someone you admired/teacher as a child?

I had such an experience and the feeling of being hideous is hard to shake off.

Maybe give some counselling a go? Your unhappiness goes deeper than you think, I imagine.

Rozabeez

Jesus rsynott, for the last time you are NOT ugly, if you were straight I'd be interested ffs. You've got stunning eyes and amazing bone structure, got the whole Cillian Murphy look about you and he is HOT.

Sinfonia

http://rsynnott.com/stuff/eep.jpg
http://www.nndb.com/people/986/000030896/jonnygreenwood5-crop.jpg

Compare rsynnott to Jonny Greenwood from Radiohead!

My girlfriend thinks jonny is hot anyway, and I reckon you look a lot like him.
Your lack of self-confidence might be what is turning guys off.

Dudess

Very like him indeed. Rsynnott has fantastic chiselled features - people would give their right arm for that.

LegacyUser

you're not unattractive, you just need to work on your confidence

dudara

BaZmO* wrote:

Negative, Negative, Negative.

You constantly seem to be dwelling on the negative aspects. If you keep doing that it will become a self fulfilling prophesy.

I agree with BaZmO here. It's very hard to read a thread where a poster looks for advice and then rebuffs helpful suggestions.

I said earlier to be positive. I didn't mean to imply that that was easily done. But happy lucky people are happy and lucky because they believe that they are happy and lucky. It's the reverse of a vicious cycle.

I'm no stunner, but I believe that I'm smart, a good judge of character, and I have a confidence that I've won for myself over the years as I've grown up. Focus on developing yourself.

spinandscribble

your goodlooking.
end of.
you just need to be happier. smiling makes ppl approachable. frowning scares ppl off.
end of.

MojoMaker

rsynnot knows he's not ugly, as myself and Conor have suggested many times. He is on here because, sadly as a friend of ours, he is an attention seeker and feeds off other people massaging his ego. He actually needs this, and always has, just to get by each day.

Looks have nothing to do with this, but holy f*ck, will he ever listen to us?? :rolleyes:

BaZmO*

MojoMaker wrote:

rsynnot knows he's not ugly, as myself and Conor have suggested many times. He is on here because, sadly as a friend of ours, he is an attention seeker and feeds off other people massaging his ego. He actually needs this, and always has, just to get by each day.

Looks have nothing to do with this, but holy f*ck, will he ever listen to us?? :rolleyes:

I kinda got that impression when I noticed that he was ignoring any feedback he was getting and preferring instead to concentrate on his perception that he was a minger only to be told time and again that he wasn't. Whatever gets ya through the day I suppose.

azezil

Rob, a few years ago on gaydar I sent you a message because I found you to be attractive and your profile interesting, high praise coming from me, I'm freakin gorgeous! *grin*

The only thing that put me off you was your constant whining about how ugly you perceive yourself to be, you never stopped moaning, thats the turn off, thats why guys don't go near you, its nothing to do with shyness, its your self hating attitude that you insist on pushing into peoples faces, all you need is a gawd damn attitude adjustment.

Stop being such a self-hating moany cúnt and guys will be a attracted to you!

rsynnott

MojoMaker wrote:

rsynnot knows he's not ugly, as myself and Conor have suggested many times. He is on here because, sadly as a friend of ours, he is an attention seeker and feeds off other people massaging his ego. He actually needs this, and always has, just to get by each day.

Looks have nothing to do with this, but holy f*ck, will he ever listen to us?? :rolleyes:

Erm, what? I don't really think that that's an accurate assessment at all.

Beruthiel

azezil wrote:

Rob, a few years ago on gaydar I sent you a message because I found you to be attractive and your profile interesting, high praise coming from me, I'm freakin gorgeous! *grin*

You see rsynnott, this is why Az is so attractive, he has convinced us all that he is.
One can only point and laugh at that of course, but hey, whatever works

IRLConor

MojoMaker wrote:

rsynnot knows he's not ugly, as myself and Conor have suggested many times. He is on here because, sadly as a friend of ours, he is an attention seeker and feeds off other people massaging his ego. He actually needs this, and always has, just to get by each day.

I think that's a rather unfair assessment of the situation. I find it very hard to believe that Rob is here as an attention seeker, it just doesn't fit with his personality as I know it.

Either I'm incredibly gullible (which is somewhat plausible ) or you have the wrong end of the stick.

seanjohn88

Speaking as someone who is only "out" a little under a year now. I was incredibly shy and self conscience. If someone so much as showed interest i'd be really happy and start dating people who i now realise were not for me either because they wern't my type or turned into weirdo's but thats neither here nor there!

One of my best friends who i went to school always gave out to me for this sayn i could do better, he often reffered to himself as my "gayologist" helping me in my time of need. I even joined the lgbt soc in college and became friends with them all. They always got more attention than me and it bugged me because no matter how much i tried I could never get a guy. Had no confidence at all.

THEN, i got so pissed of at this i stopped caring, I realised i ruined my nights out by trying to get a guy instead of having fun. Nobody likes the guy who tries to hard. I stopped trying, stopped caring. Started having fun with my mates. Guys prefer the guy who's havin a laugh and not caught up in tryn to score. Their too serious.

As it turned out, a week after i told myself im having nothing more to do with guys, i found my current boyfriend Nearly 4 months together now!

My point, stop trying to get guys, start having a laugh and you'll be noticed more. Then the guys will come to you when you least expect it!

Marksie

Beruthiel wrote:

You see rsynnott, this is why Az is so attractive, he has convinced us all that he is.
One can only point and laugh at that of course, but hey, whatever works

More importantly he has convinced himself that he is rysnnott. The physical, the mental and the spiritual are not distinct and separate but entwined.
One affects the other and its a continuing cycle.

At its simplest level it may be e.g that you get fit, yuo feel good, you think you are feeling good, you feel even better.

On the flip side, you think negatively, your stance, posture and outlook show, you feel worse, you get worse.

In Az case, he thinks he is gorgeous... he becomes gorgeous.
Others think he is gorgeous.
In beruthiel's case, its just natural

In the end its your own self view that is reflecting. I don't know you personally, but i can see where mojomaker is coming from. Cosntant reaffirmation of the need. Others doing it for you rather than you doing it yourself.
My guess is you will let all the positiove advice bounce off, then spend ages wringing your hands if someone gives one piece of negative advice.

Bottom line:

YOU are responsible for your own happiness. It is your own self view/insecurities/ dependency on constant external affirmation that muts be tackled.
You must tackle it.

Stench Blossoms

I've seen worse looking than you scoring in the George.

Do you want people to confirm that your ugly or say that your not?

You come across as very needy. Thats what makes people unattractive.

tbh

why don't you put your pic on hot or not? See if random people think you are ugly. If your pic scores under 6, I'll shag you myself.

rsynnott

tbh wrote:

why don't you put your pic on hot or not? See if random people think you are ugly. If your pic scores under 6, I'll shag you myself.

I did, actually, a while back. It scored about 4.5 :P

tbh

*gulp*.

Seriously, tho, I'm surprised at that. As most have said, you seem to be very down on yourself. Why would someone want to be with someone who doesn't rate themselves? You're a good looking guy, you're intelligent and and funny. Plus, you're only 22 - you have LOADS of time to find someone.

louisecm

rsynnott wrote:

Erm, what? I don't really think that that's an accurate assessment at all.

Based on this thread, it seems like it is.

Your negativity will be picked up by people. Until you sort it out this problem will never be solved. This has nothing to do with looks, its purely attitude. Sort it out. Its not something anyone else can do for you.