Fighting my mum for custody, Urgent advice needed!

chanpan

Hi all,

I'm new to boards so not too sure if anyone can help but I don't know where to go. There is a long and complicated story behind this but I will try to keep it short and to the point.
My sister died 5 years ago leving a baby, John, behind her (the father is unknown). I had been living outside of Ireland for the previous 3 years but came home to help my grieving Mum (my own dad is also not around and we have no other family). My Mother is and always was an alcoholic, however she is also a wonderful mother so I supported her when she decided to bring up John. I relocated to Ireland and despite never being happy here, stayed to help raise John. Finally a year ago my Mum seemed to have finally beat the battle with her addiction and John started school. I thought everything was finally in place for me to continue my life and persue my dreams. I went traveling, and found a wonderful job and finace in New Zealand.

Problem is since I left my Mother has gone from bad to worse. There has been an escalating stream of events and it is clear John's life has been put in danger on numerous occasions. I got a call a few days ago (not the first!) from a concerned neighbour and friend who told me in no uncertain terms that unless something was done immediately Social Services would be called. I hadn't realised at the time the situation was quite that bad and of course flew home straight away. I arrived 2 days ago with the intention of taking John to New Zealand with me for 6 weeks while my Mum seeks some help, then she can come over to collect him. She has agreed to go to counciling and seems to have turned a new leaf. But having spent 5 years nurseing her I am not holding my breath.

This brings me to my dilemma. She refuses point blank to allow me to take John with me to NZ (even for a short holiday), she refuses to come over there herself with him to try to recover. I won't move home (maybe it sounds selfish but I have already put my life on hold for my Mum and am finally starting again at 30). I don't want to involve social services and the law but there seems to be no other choice, I have exhausted every other avenue of communication with my Mum and my concern now lies solely with Johns welfare and safety. Both I and my fiance would be happy to adopt John (it's what I've always wanted) or even to take temporary custody until my Mum proves she is fit to look after him. I leave Ireland on the 18th July (John is currently booked to travel with me) so need to figure something out fast.

Maybe I should give my Mum another chance to redeem herself? What are my rights as auntie when my mum is legal gaurdian?

Please Please, any advice both legal and moral will be gratefully received and is desperately needed.

Thank you

KdjaCL

chanpan wrote:

Maybe I should give my Mum another chance to redeem herself? What are my rights as auntie when my mum is legal gaurdian?

Please Please, any advice both legal and moral will be gratefully received and is desperately needed.

Thank you

She has the legal ground here, BUT if you go to court and prove she is unfit and tbh your idea is reasonable and sensible you will get custody.

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/forumdisplay.php?f=633

for all the bits i left out that you need to do.


kdjac

dudara

Moral advice only please people.

Legal advice is best sought in the Legal Discussion forum.

dudara

ali.c

Personally i think your first concern should be for the welfare of the child as it is currently. If as you said your mother has been falling of the wagon repeately then i think you need to do what you have to do to keep your nephew safe. I think i can see some torn loyalties and that must be really hard, but your mothers problems are not yours and you too deserve to have a life of your own.
Not so sure on the legal implications so i think the best bet would be to get legal advise.

chanpan

Sorry about that, as I said new to boards. Will post in the legal forum too. Thanks for advice so far.

KdjaCL

chanpan wrote:

Sorry about that, as I said new to boards. Will post in the legal forum too. Thanks for advice so far.

Dont be, its PI that requires a legal stance.



kdjac

seamus

Legal advice cannot be sought in the Legal Discussion forum, despite popular opinion

Legal advice can only be sought from a solicitor. I would strongly advise contacting an impartial solicitor (i.e. one that your family doesn't know) that specialises in family law.

dudara

chanpan wrote:

Sorry about that, as I said new to boards. Will post in the legal forum too. Thanks for advice so far.

Don't worry. I hope that you do get some useful advice here. There is also a parenting forum that you might find interesting.

seamus wrote:

Legal advice cannot be sought in the Legal Discussion forum, despite popular opinion

Legal advice can only be sought from a solicitor. I would strongly advise contacting an impartial solicitor (i.e. one that your family doesn't know) that specialises in family law.

My bad - thankfully never had need to frequent the legal forum.

Splendour

Chanpan,

You need to get yourself to a family law solicitor-fast!
I know it's a delicate situation, but some legal advice as to what choices you have would be the first step.
Three people involved here and the most important one is the child so you have to shelf your discomfort of this case and your Mom's emotions.

God bless

Splendour

The Hill Billy

Chanpan:

The welfare of the child is of the utmost importance (any battle for custody is a secondary concern). If what you say is true you need to contact social services yourself immediately so that they, as professionals, can assess the situation & ensure the child's safety in the immediate future.

Once that has been done you can then speak with them regarding his long-term care.

Are you willing to take the risk your Mother "redeeming herself" before the child is put in further danger?

Best of luck.

hullaballoo

For the sake of clarification; the reason legal advice can't be sought in the Legal Discussion forum is because no one here can ensure the quality of the advice given. I don't personally know anyone who posts there who is a qualified lawyer. As with all professional advice (medical, financial, legal etc.), it's best to contact a professional.

If you wish to PM me to get you in touch with a lawyer who is strong in this area, I will be happy to help.

In terms of emotional support, all I can say to you is to consider what is best for the child in this situation, and to be careful to prioritise things so that the outcome is fairest on him. Don't either (a) let your mother bully you out of helping him, or (b) let your own 'happy family' dreams (if you have any) cloud your view.

For this child, the outcome here will affect him for the rest of his life. Remember that.

Beruthiel

Hi chanpan
First off, drop hullaballú a PM as he will point you in exactly the direction you need to go in order to get the right professional legal advise.

You've done wonderfully so far, coming home to help your mother out under such terrible circumstances for the both of you must have been dreadfully difficult for you.

She has agreed to go to counciling and seems to have turned a new leaf.

She seemed to have turned over a new leaf when you felt comfortable leaving her to go to NZ. It would appear she can semi manage when you're there, but when you're not, she falls off the wagon.

This brings me to my dilemma. She refuses point blank to allow me to take John with me to NZ (even for a short holiday), she refuses to come over there herself with him to try to recover.

Which would lead me to believe she's not prepared to give this recovery her all.

I won't move home (maybe it sounds selfish but I have already put my life on hold for my Mum and am finally starting again at 30).

You have every right to have a life so don't feel guilty or selfish about that.

I don't want to involve social services and the law but there seems to be no other choice

I understand the pain you feel about doing this to your mother, however, your sister would want to have her child get the best life he can possibly have, more importantly, he deserves to have the best life possible. He is not getting that with your Ma, he will not get that with your Ma, she has had 5 years to give it a go and she has failed.
You need to do what is best for him.

Maybe I should give my Mum another chance to redeem herself?

I'm afraid, that would be most likely useless, and you'll be only back on a plane to sort things out at some future point.

Hopefully Hulla's contact can help you out, you must go talk to them.

LegacyUser

1. Your mother is NEVER going to pull herself together. End Of ...

2. You have your own life to live

3. If that means that you cannot live in this grate little
cuntry - which is run, for a long time now, by corruption
and a beneign form of the Sopranos - then so be it.

No one would blame you for that.

4. Get that kid out too. Issues of Health & Safety here.
And - it might be to your advantage / benefit if the authorities
were called by the neighbours ...

5. Yep. Put up some money and talk to a good lawyer - asap

6. Once you get the kid out - you can safely forget about
this place ... and, start your new life properly - in a
properly run country / environment.

It's not worth the cost of the plane ticket to come back for anything.

7. Good Luck

The_Conductor

Morally, you should try to do whatever is in the best interests of the child. This may put you at irreparable odds with your mother, as seems to be the case. Unfortunately, and while I do not know enough about the situation, I very much doubt that your mothers recent relapse into alcoholism is over, or will be the last. Alcoholism is not like a regular illness that can be cured by medication or counselling, it takes a lifelong determination and effort. Personally I feel that your best course of action would be to bring the child back to NZ with you, proper legal advice on the manner in which to do this, and its implications, will no doubt be offered to you elsewhere.

Best of good luck,

Shane

Nevyn

If you niece is at risk then social services should be aware of the issue, having them invovled will mean they can help your mother get a support structure in place to help her or to have an assement made about what is best for the child.

I suggest you find out where your local SW office is and pay them a visit.

chanpan

I want to thank you all for taking the time to give me advice. My fiance was right, Boards is a good place to come when you need help.

I am seeing a lawyer later today and have spoken to her briefly already. My Mum has currently agreed to seek professional treatment aswell as join AA. She has also stayed off drink completely for the past 13 days and has finally admitted that the only way forward is to never touch a drop of alcohol again (up until now she has said she just needs to control her drinking not give it up)

This is all wonderfully positive and I'm delighted, but the downside is if I did try to fight her for custody, at the moment I would nearly definately lose. All I can do is put in place some legal assurances that if she reverts or has another meltdown, gaurdianship reverts to me. If I tried to take John with me now I would be arrested for abducting him!!

She has also agreed to move over to New Zealand herself in the next 4 years when she hits 60. All I can do is keep my fingers crossed, the law is not on my side

OS119

chanpan wrote:

I want to thank you all for taking the time to give me advice. My fiance was right, Boards is a good place to come when you need help.

I am seeing a lawyer later today and have spoken to her briefly already. My Mum has currently agreed to seek professional treatment aswell as join AA. She has also stayed off drink completely for the past 13 days and has finally admitted that the only way forward is to never touch a drop of alcohol again (up until now she has said she just needs to control her drinking not give it up)

This is all wonderfully positive and I'm delighted, but the downside is if I did try to fight her for custody, at the moment I would nearly definately lose. All I can do is put in place some legal assurances that if she reverts or has another meltdown, gaurdianship reverts to me. If I tried to take John with me now I would be arrested for abducting him!!

She has also agreed to move over to New Zealand herself in the next 4 years when she hits 60. All I can do is keep my fingers crossed, the law is not on my side

i think you should treat your mothers assurances with the contempt that they deserve. she can promise what she likes, but she's not in control and so can't deliver even if she wants to.

assuming that you continue to put the welfare of the child in front of your relationship with an alcoholic then you should contact your mothers neighbours and ask them to contact both you and SW dept whenever there is absolutely anything that raises their suspicions, you also need to stay in contact with the SW dept to make sure that the child stays on their 'people we should keep an eye on' list. only when they have a long list of previous incidents will they take complaints from 12,000 miles away seriously.

i imagine that whatever the circumstances you will have real problems in getting the SWD/courts to sign off on you taking the child to NZ permanently regardless of your mothers condition - unless she dies.

it will also be much harder to change custody as the child grows older, TBH the best bet for the child would not have been to support your mother during her previous 'relapses', rather to have run to SW with a bin-bag full of gin bottles and bashed down their door until they made the child your ward instead of hers.

i'm sad to say that you may have left it too late, SW depts prove time and again they would rather have a long-running low level problem (like alcoholism and DV) with occasional interventions and 'councelling' than make big hard decisions that while massively improving one life, make another very unhappy. sadly however we live in culture where the feelings of an alky matter more than the long-term welfare of a child.

good luck, and while i genuinely believe the child would be much better off with you in NZ, i fear you'll have to move back permanently (or at least tell the SW/courts that you're back permanently) in order to achieve anything.