BF and Money

LegacyUser

I am kinda near my wits end about this.

I don’t know if it is me, or him, or if this situation is normal.

Basically my partner of 1 1/2 years is terrible, I mean absolutely terrible with money.

He is in his 30’s. At the moment of time, he has €300 in total in his bank account.

I love him dearly. He is a very nice person. But money often brings up issues and arguments, like it did the other night.

He says he wants to have kids and a nice house (we rent at the moment) someday – I would love this with him too. But I cannot see past today at the moment. If he was serious about our future, he would try save more, wouldn’t he?

I am beginning to doubt that this is what he wants, cause to me if he wanted to eventually get married, have a house, a family, you need to have money.

He could go out on a Saturday night and blow €150-€200.

I on the other hand am good at saving, paying bills, looking after my money etc. I have offered my help to him, but he has done nothing. I asked him to get Internet Banking, to set up a savings account and know what he has in there, what he needs money for etc, but it falls on deaf ears. I guess I cannot do anything unless he wants the help. Everything with money seems such a push i.e paying bills etc. Am getting worn down from this.

He seems very “man man” about his money. The “shur Ill take it out until there isn’t anymore” type of attitude. And then something happens. His car, or rent, or gas bills etc and its like “oh no Ive no money in my account” and Im like “that’s cause you drank it all or wasted it on something stupid”. I just don’t know what to do.

cold_filter

I have a friend is the same situation as you. His GF doesnt have a great job maybe earns 24k a year he would earn around 33. He's always going on about wanting to buy a house etc yet when he gets paid 800 or so goes to paying off his over draft that he has wasted on crap. While his girlfriend saves every penny she has. Frankly she deserves better he's been like this going on 6 years now. His overdraft is maxed every month but he has nothing to show for it.

Wibbs

Heoo wrote:

He seems very “man man” about his money. The “shur Ill take it out until there isn’t anymore” type of attitude. And then something happens. His car, or rent, or gas bills etc and its like “oh no Ive no money in my account” and Im like “that’s cause you drank it all or wasted it on something stupid”. I just don’t know what to do.

I'm sorry to say, he's not being "man man" about his money, he's being a "boy boy". You're going to have to get him to grow up. I don't know how, but if he's like this now, what's he going to be like if you ever have kids? Will he go I dunno, I've no money to pay the mortgage, babyfood, etc. You're not his mother and you shouldn't be in that role.

Gumbyman

Sit down with him and work out a budget for the month and see if he can stick to it. Make it a challenge with a real definitive goal - ie to have some savings at the end of the month. Tell him there's a reward at the end if he manages it (extra nookie or the like).

zoos

Eddie Hobbs Ahoy!

Wibbs

Gumbyman wrote:

Sit down with him and work out a budget for the month and see if he can stick to it. Make it a challenge with a real definitive goal - ie to have some savings at the end of the month. Tell him there's a reward at the end if he manages it (extra nookie or the like).

Yea I see where this might work. Still makes you kind of act like his mother though. IMHO that's a slippery slope.

johnnysmurfman

I do the same thing. He's a grown man ffs, leave him alone.

Pyjamarama

Wibbs wrote:

Yea I see where this might work. Still makes you kind of act like his mother though. IMHO that's a slippery slope.

Agreed but it is a very hard situation. In a similar one and I and my partner know when the time comes to save for serious stuff such as a house I'll have to take over both our finances as he just cannot save money. Some people are good at saving, some aren't. It's how you look at money, some people get their wages and say I'm gona spend all of this money cos more is coming next week/month, some people actively save money.

I def agree he should get internet banking and start thinking about the money he is spending - what he's spending it on (he has to change his mindset to do this and this won't be easy for him). Get him to set up a credit union account and direct debit saving from his wages so he does not have the money in his account to spend. Talk to him again and express your fears. It will be hard for him to change but he's an adult and all the responsibility should not lie on you. Just give him a push in the right direction and then you can avoid nagging him like his mother!

Beruthiel

Gumbyman wrote:

Sit down with him and work out a budget for the month and see if he can stick to it. Make it a challenge with a real definitive goal - ie to have some savings at the end of the month. Tell him there's a reward at the end if he manages it (extra nookie or the like).

He's 30 not 5.
He should have two accounts.
The way we do it is, we have our own normal accounts with the atm card and a current account which cannot be accessed.
We have standing orders from our accounts and each week x amount automatically goes into the current account. This money is used for the mortgage and all house hold bills, works a treat.

Gumbyman

Beruthiel wrote:

He's 30 not 5.

He's not acting like he's 30, he's acting like he's 5. Transferring the money out of his account is silly. He still wont budget and will end up completely broke at the end of the month. It's a superficial fix - you need to get him to adjust his attitude. I used to be just like him and this worked for me.

galah

I found an extra credit union account works well - set up a direct debit into that account, and because they don't have bank cards, that is, you HAVE to go there in person to get money out (and they usually don't like it and growl at you), it makes it a little more difficult to spend the money in that account.

And then you can work on the attitude...;-)

xxdilemmaxx

Beruthiel wrote:

He's 30 not 5.
He should have two accounts.
The way we do it is, we have our own normal accounts with the atm card and a current account which cannot be accessed.
We have standing orders from our accounts and each week x amount automatically goes into the current account. This money is used for the mortgage and all house hold bills, works a treat.

This is exactly how myself and the other half manage our money too, we send a little bit extra to cover mortgage bills etc so over time we are saving money. The money just leaves our own account and it's gone - no arguments!

irlirishkev

xxdilemmaxx wrote:

This is exactly how myself and the other half manage our money too, we send a little bit extra to cover mortgage bills etc so over time we are saving money. The money just leaves our own account and it's gone - no arguments!

Ditto. I'd be up sh*t creek if it wasn't for my monthly budget. Basically I get paid into one account, the one which all my direct debits etc come out of. I leave enough in there to cover all the bills, and move the rest into my current account. It's simple and has stopped me going in the red for God knows how long.

the_syco

Beruthiel wrote:

We have standing orders from our accounts and each week x amount automatically goes into the current account. This money is used for the mortgage and all house hold bills, works a treat.

I spend a lot of my monies. I have only €50 in the bank at the end of the month. If I don't put the €300 away at the start of the month, I still only have €50 at the end of the month.

My point: broke with savings, is better than broke without savings.

NZdubstar

give the guy a break for christ's sake - look at you all trying to manage his f**king finances. He's old enough to do what he likes with his money. If he wants to blow it all for the next few years that's his decision. Woman - if you're not happy with him - eff off - or tell him unless he starts saving for babies/houses - that you will eff off. Maybe when the plans for houses/babies actually become REAL he may start saving etc.

Laslo

NZdubstar wrote:

give the guy a break for christ's sake - look at you all trying to manage his f**king finances. He's old enough to do what he likes with his money. If he wants to blow it all for the next few years that's his decision. Woman - if you're not happy with him - eff off - or tell him unless he starts saving for babies/houses - that you will eff off. Maybe when the plans for houses/babies actually become REAL he may start saving etc.

I'd have to agree with this to be honest. You're managing his finances when they don't need to be managed and are working under the assumption that he won't act responsibly when he's asked to rise to the challenge. It sounds to me like you're effectively lining the guy up for marriage, the house, the kids, etc. when he still wants to enjoy himself.

If you can't leave him alone, do the decent thing and leave him.

LegacyUser

Hahahaha sorry, I have to laugh at the last two comments. They are so ridiculous. Your posts dont make sense.

Every time someone comes on here with a genuine problem, your only solution is to dump the person. Come on like. Thats not advice.

How exactly am I managing his money? More like he is managing mine.

If he is short, I am the one that has to sub him. I wouldnt care what he did with his money, if it didnt incurr on me. Do you understand?

Some weeks after paying bills, putting money in savings, I have €50 left for food and petrol for myself. He then comes into me and says "ohhhh Ive no money left for the week - none at all". I have started being hard with him, telling him no.

Its like dealing with a teenager who has spent all their money on sweets, yet he wants the finer things in life like holidays, house, family etc.

I think its a big change in attitude he needs, I just dont know how to do it.

Marksie

Heoo wrote:

I think its a big change in attitude he needs, I just dont know how to do it.

Heoo: You will find differing types of advice throughout threads. Some good, some bad, it is simply a matter of choosing which you think is most relevant and useful.
So:
Not subbing him is a big start.

The issue of joint bank accounts is one for after teh converstaion you are going to have soon as regards what he wants to do "someday".

It really is the only way to go. Really all you can do is tell him how p*ssed off you are with it all, its up to him then to make his decisions.

personally though I agree with the joint account idea.

It makes paying the bills much easier.
if you are wanting to save you can set up a second joint account for that purpose whihc actually pays interest.

However, it may be best, if you both agree this is what you want to do, and if you can, to get them paid direct from the wages before they go into the individual accounts as there is no chance of them bouncing payments back as there ar insufficient funds available.
The rest he can blow how he wishes

rs

Heoo wrote:

He seems very “man man” about his money. The “shur Ill take it out until there isn’t anymore” type of attitude. And then something happens. His car, or rent, or gas bills etc and its like “oh no Ive no money in my account” and Im like “that’s cause you drank it all or wasted it on something stupid”. I just don’t know what to do.

It's not that he's a "man man" about money, it's that he's a moron with money. If he was in his early or even mid 20's I'd agree with some of the earlier posts to leave him be. But he's in his 30's ffs. If he's not copping on by now, I'm thinking he's not going to anytime soon.

If you are also in your 30's and seriously thinking about house and family stuff I think it's time to make some big decisions. It sounds like only one of you is serious about your future together. I mean if he can't manage his personal finances, how the hell is he going to cope with kids? "Sorry kids, no Christmas presents again this year because daddy spent all the money again".

Plateau

I'd be interested to hear the guy's point of view on this one!

Anyway, as some posters have already said, it's *his* money, *not* the OP's money. How does she even know what's in his account anyway?

I doubt this relationship is going to get anywhere if the OP is already bitching at him over money at this stage. There's a word for it, and that's nagging. Nagging *sometimes* gets something done, but one thing it always does is piss off the other person and make them resentful.

On the practical side of things, I am not seeing any real plan here. You are wanting the guy to just start saving without you both having worked out exactly what you are saving for. Some people naturally save, some don't. The one's that don't naturally save need a concrete plan if they are going to start doing so, not vague whining and nagging. Do you think he appreciates it when something goes wrong and he needs money and you come in all smug and tell him you were right all along and he should have been saving? There's no special prize in heaven for good savers you know?

So, *agree* a plan. In other words agree what you *both* want, work out a reasonable timescale and commitment from the both of you, and then and only then, will you have a right to be annoyed with him if he doesn't meet his commitments.

As other posters have said, there are many ways to put money aside so that you don't spend it by mistake. There are high interest savings accounts out there that reward you for not withdrawing. He could get one of those and have a standing order transfer cash in there as soon as he gets paid. That way he can continue spending freely from his own account without fear of upsetting your plans. If you want to really show each other how serious you are, then open a joint savings account.

Maybe in this case 24 banking would be a bad thing for him. Why have the temptation to pull money back out of the savings account when he's low?

tinner777

hi,
i was kind of the same with money our solution, our being wife and three babies, was adding a sizeable amount of savings to the bills. i'm now left with a small amount for me so if i choose to spend it on a night out that's my money gone for the month. no more arguments and i'm a lot more sensible with money now.

Lord Nikon

Im assuming that you are actually saving some money, and are thinking of the long term, not the short term ie. "the weekend".

Ask him does he want a house someday, and a family. Ask him does he want his children in a house that's rented. Because when you have those kids, your not going to have feck all money for saving with.

Show him how much you have saved, rub it in his face, make him feel guilty that you feel are the only one focusing on the future, and your at least doing something about it.

the_syco

neuromancer wrote:

Show him how much you have saved, rub it in his face, make him feel guilty that you feel are the only one focusing on the future, and your at least doing something about it.

This may have the negative effect of making him think that he has a "safety net", if all his money goes, as "his bird" is "loaded".

davyjose

has he any personal debt, OP? If not, he could actually be in decent shape financially - I know people with upwards of 10 grand on their credit cards on top of their mortgage, and even a car loan. E300 in the account isn't much, but if he's without debt, and earns a decent wage, he's doing better than many.

vorbis

I would be a saver myself. So I find it very hard to believe that someone could get into their thirties with just 300 euro to his name! This is assuming that he's been in a decent job for at least 5 years. Does he contribute to a pension? As the last poster said, its good that he's not in credit card debt but come on! 300 euro to show for over a decade of working. A 20 year old working in Dunnes could have more to their name than that.

He sounds like he'll spend whatever money he has available.
200 euro regularly on a night out is madness. What on earth is he spending it on? Like others have said, get him to set up a transfer to an online savings account. I guarrantee he won't notice a change to his life but at least he'll have some savings.

Kell

Heoo wrote:

I love him dearly. He is a very nice person. But money often brings up issues and arguments, like it did the other night.

Now are you sure about that? What probably attracted you to him in the first place i.e. gregariousness and being a bit flaithúlach with flashing the cash around, is now a problem for you. YOU. Not him.

I'm a four night a week out person. Always the first to buy a round, and the shots and the champers and whatever else besides. Poeple are what make me tick, and I spend as much time out with them as possible. Tends to put a big dent in the wallet though. Prolly the same for your BF too.

I have a house, a serious job and all the things I never wanted in life really to substantiate a good time. Come the end of the month, I too have very little money in the bank. I am much better at paying a loan off than actually putting money aside. Thats not behaving like a five year old, thats just having a different take on life. Thankfully I manage to have a house and a social life. Its possible if you dont necessarily HAVE to live in the burbs with the two cars in the driveway complete with baby sets in the back.

Having the house and the savings account is all wánk anyway. Its an idealogy forced on us that we should have this and should do that. Bóllix. Can you take your house to the grave? No. Can you take your cash to the ground? No. Can you leave 100's of people with a smile on their face everytime they think of you and the mad times they had with you when you're gone. Yes.

So- decide whether you want to be with this person and their foibles or not. Thats it. No need to think on it any further.

K-

David Michael

Kell wrote:

Now are you sure about that? What probably attracted you to him in the first place i.e. gregariousness and being a bit flaithúlach with flashing the cash around, is now a problem for you. YOU. Not him.

I'm a four night a week out person. Always the first to buy a round, and the shots and the champers and whatever else besides. Poeple are what make me tick, and I spend as much time out with them as possible. Tends to put a big dent in the wallet though. Prolly the same for your BF too.

I have a house, a serious job and all the things I never wanted in life really to substantiate a good time. Come the end of the month, I too have very little money in the bank. I am much better at paying a loan off than actually putting money aside. Thats not behaving like a five year old, thats just having a different take on life. Thankfully I manage to have a house and a social life. Its possible if you dont necessarily HAVE to live in the burbs with the two cars in the driveway complete with baby sets in the back.

Having the house and the savings account is all wánk anyway. Its an idealogy forced on us that we should have this and should do that. Bóllix. Can you take your house to the grave? No. Can you take your cash to the ground? No. Can you leave 100's of people with a smile on their face everytime they think of you and the mad times they had with you when you're gone. Yes.

So- decide whether you want to be with this person and their foibles or not. Thats it. No need to think on it any further.

K-

What a load of rubbish. Your use of PI threads to go ona bout your Kell'ness is tiring at this stage.

I like the way you suggest His way with the splashing the cash "attracted her" and that she was "attracted" to him by it. :rolleyes:

OP... it's really simple. Next time he asks for money tell him your broke too. You don't have to pay his way or keep bailling him out. Fuk it tbh. And if his car breaks down. Well he is just going to have to gety it sorted. You can't have him rely on you. Maybe suggest he ask his parents? Then walk in with a pile of Brown Thomas bags fully loaded He does not have to be a saver as such. But he does have to look after his own affairs such as the car etc.

Also you should not equate him being financally resposable ala saving as a litmus test of his commitment. You will just have to talk to him about that and expain what you want and where you are going with your thoughts on the future, the kids etc. A house is just a house be it rented of bought.

reg_anam

A slightly different perspective :

This man is an adult, his behavior will tend to follow his values/beliefs

He clearly values short term enjoyment and he behaves accordingly

Either you convince him he should also value the possibility of a more stable arrangement with you - and he will behave accordingly - or - you accept the current arrangement for as long as you are prepared to tolerate it

As advice I'd suggest you set a timescale to convince him and then if you fail to decide whether you are prepared to live by his values/beliefs

I'm sorry but it looks like you will have an uphill struggle, Best Of luck !