relationship!!!

helpmeplease

hi, first of all, sorry for the format of my post, it wouldnt post as one long message.
I would be grateful to anyone who can help me with this situation.I am not sure if i want advice or what, but I lnow I need to hear a second opinion on this.
Me and my GF broke up 2 months ago after a 2 year relationship- she claimed she needed space for a while- we are both in college, same city, but different colleges.
Originally we took a break-it lasted 1 week, then she decided she wanted to break up completely.
The break up was not that bitter compared to other break ups. We were best friends and madly in love. During the last two months, she found it hard to let go of the friendship, even though I told her I couldnt be friends while I was still in love with her- in case I wasn't clear above, I never wanted a break or break-up at all.

helpmeplease

We fell out over that and all contact ended for about one month. Last week, she got back in contact with me for a reason (I dont want to mention it here in case Im identified by someone who knows me- Im a regular poster on boards).
We had an argument again as I said I wasnt ready for any contact and I was still not ready for a friendship. Our tempers died down and we got talking about normal stuff.
Last weekend, she got terribly upset about everything- I think it was guilt about hurting me so much.
I went around to her house the other day (foolishly???) and we ended up getting back together.
She wants to give it another try as we had such a good relationship and honestly, we never had any major problems. Even in the two month period, neither of us were with anyone else, and I know that for a fact. She has always said that the break up did not involve another person and I know its true, I trust her with my life.

helpmeplease

We are taking things very slowly now as we are just back together two days. The thing is that Im not sure how I feel.
We have both said that it feels a bit different now. When we kiss and hug, its feels great, like we've never been apart. But when we chat, something is missing. The friendship and the closeness is not there. I know we are both hesitant and worried about another break up, which was very painful to both of us.
Will this feeling go away as our friendship grows stronger again?
Im worried that we will never get back what we had.
I still love her and we are a perfect match for each other- if i had to pick an ideal partner, it would be her.
But i know it is only two days, yet the worry still persists that we wont get that bond back.

helpmeplease

Maybe i am too guarded in case she hurts me again.
but i know that she also feels there is something different this time.
I dont know what i expect from any replies. i know you cant predict the future or anything.
but is it possible that what we are experiencing right now is natural and things can get back to normal.
i feel things are improving every day. but she is gone on holidays today for two weeks. we are keeping in touch during the holiday. its a pity her holiday was now as it would have been good to get some time together.
all comments welcome and sorry for such a long post.
i can clarify any details which were not clear.
thanks everyone and i am really sorry about the way i posted this. i could not post it as one long message

G&T

helpmeplease wrote:

Maybe i am too guarded in case she hurts me again.

Think this is what has changed,

You have no way of knowing if she will do this again but I think you should give it time,your trust will return and maybe the break will make ye realise that you have to work on a relationship,maybe ye let thing's go stale and that is what caused the break.
She has said you are what she want's so you are going to have to put your heart back on the line.

I wish ye the best it sound's like ye have a lot going for ye.

bronte

Give it time to get back to normal, you've been through a lot and it won't magically return to what you had before overnight.
Enjoy what you have and take it one day at a time.

helpmeplease

thanks for the replies guys:)
I hope you are right, but somewhere in the back of my mind is the feeling that she doesnt really want me. I dont know why this is. maybe because she has already broke it off once.
I cant put my finger on it, but I know I am anxious about something.
I think you are right about giving it time, I know I will fall for her again once we get back to 'normal'. I am just afraid that she will not feel the same and i will be hurt again.

I really hope it works because we are so well suited to each other, we both know it and that is why we are giving it another chance. It would be a shame to throw away what we had if there is a chance it could be saved.
I am rambling a bit now but I am unsure of everything right now tbh

Wibbs

helpmeplease wrote:

I hope you are right, but somewhere in the back of my mind is the feeling that she doesnt really want me. I dont know why this is. maybe because she has already broke it off once.

Nail on the head. When someone asks for a break, it usually means lets break up(99% of the time).

I cant put my finger on it, but I know I am anxious about something.

Naturally. Your world, the world you thought was all fine and dandy has just crashed around your ears. If you weren't anxious I'd be more worried frankly. "Anxious" got your attention, now it's time to focus that attention and deal with it. Don't leave it all up to her. She's made her move. She's given you the biggest indication she could. Now it's your turn. Also your anxiety could be down to the fact that you know what the problem is and you're unwilling or unable to change that. maybe, maybe not.

I think you are right about giving it time, I know I will fall for her again once we get back to 'normal'.

How do you propose to get back to that normality? I'm serious BTW.

I am just afraid that she will not feel the same and i will be hurt again.

No offense, but suck it up. It's the nature of life. There are no guarantees. Harsh but true. Grow a pair and try to fix this. This means giving it your all or live to regret it. Let's say you give your all and you end up getting chucked? Very hard? yes. But at least you can walk away knowing you did everything you could.

I really hope it works because we are so well suited to each other, we both know it and that is why we are giving it another chance. It would be a shame to throw away what we had if there is a chance it could be saved.

The only thing you can do is work on what you did to cause the breakup. I'm not suggesting for a moment that it was all you, but the part you played in it, is the only bit you can change. Address it and change it you must, or it's sayonara GF.

Now a few things. Me being blunt time.
You say you both were best friends and madly in love. Well if she was madly in love with her best friend, she wouldn't have called for a break. Fact. Find out why.

Something is wrong in the relationship. She is perceiving something wrong with you in relation to her or she wouldn't have asked for a "break". Find out why and do something about that.

Now I know you can't give the reason here for fear of discovery, but you better acknowledge and deal with it or you're doomed. "Sitting back and enjoying it one day at a time", won't do a damn thing longterm if you don't deal with the reason she had for asking to break up with you.

Also look back with an outside subjective eye on your relationship in the last few months. Were there warning signs that she gave out that you missed? I'd put money on it that there were. This stuff doesn't come out of the blue, unless they're loopers and she doesn't sound the type. For a start it seems no one else is involved. That's all too rare.

Work on the real problem and you will have a good chance to recover here.

Wibbs

BTW guilt on her part is no basis for a reconciliation. It won't last. Too many people (women especially) go back out of guilt. It doesn't work unless the bloke changes his tune and removes the issue that caused the split in the first place. The only way this will last is you and her understanding the reason for the break in the first place and dealing with it, working through it and fixing it.

dillaneS

OP.. i broke up with my girlfriend after bout 2 months also.. we eventually got back together.. it made us both realise how muck we wanted to be with each other.. it took a bit of time for everything to get back to normal.. but lets face it.. its a break up.. we have now been together for 2 solid years and ive never been happier.. as i always say.. the first six months of a relationship are the hardest.. best of luck!;)

CathyMoran

If I had a penny for every time there were breaks in my relationship with my now hubby...there is life together if you get back together, maybe she is just scared of commitment, I know that I was. Enjoy being with her and stop worrying!

It does take time to get the magic back after a break but you can and will, it just takes time.

Wibbs

CathyMoran wrote:

It does take time to get the magic back after a break but you can and will, it just takes time.

And effort. They both need to fix whatever caused the issue in the first place or it'll happen again.

LegacyUser

dillaneS wrote:

.. the first six months of a relationship are the hardest.. best of luck!;)

I completely agree with this also, I am currently going out with my girlfriend just over a year and I believe the first 6 months are tough because I was trying to see how much I could get away with constantly...

And I believe after a break ( even though i don't agree with them and have never had one but to each their own...) , it's kind of like getting over an argument when you both feel awkward I assume except it possibly lasts a bit longer after a break...

If you both want it to continue, of course it will, it does take effort though but it is always worth it I imagine if you think you are well suited to this person in the long run...

Best of luck chief

kryogen

hi OP!

i pretty much totally understand what you are going through here as i have recently been through it myself, i noticed you said you not sure she wants to be with you really, this stems from the fct that it was her who ended the relationship, its a normal insecurity on your part.. and yes you being more guarded will cause a little prolem at first but you will learn to trust again the same way you did before if the relationship lasts! its a natural bodily self defence system really, you are trying to be sure you wont get hurt the way you were before but in doing so you are not fully opening yourself up to someone so you wont feel the same level of closeness again! this will pass in time.....

my own experience of this has happened recently, i was in a 3 year relationship with a girl that ended, and it ended because of me, it was my fault. but i was still devastated by it and it took me a very long time to get over it! i couldnt be friends with this girl, so we lost contact for about 2 years, then she seemed to be everywhere, i met her out one night and she told me she had never gotten me out of her system, that she wanted to give it another go.. i was totally thrown by this, i didnt knw how i really felt about her anymore, my heart still jumped, but i was holding back aswell, i didnt think i could go through the same pain again if things went bad....so after a few weeks i called it quits,it wasnt fair to either of us i thought, i couldnt open up to her again the way i had before, whatever we had was lost forever i think, maybe in the future when we know each other better again it will return,but friendship is the most important thing imo, if you dont have that bond the relationship wont work... every situation is different, but i think a solid relationship requires a solid friendship, im sure you and your girlfriend can have what you once had again, you were not apart very long... but talk about it, make sure you are both in the relationship for the right reasons..

sorry my post is so long, hope its someway helpful

CathyMoran

It's like the Will Young song "Leave right now", the line "I couldn't bear to loose you again". I really hope that it works for you like it worked for me, just give it time.

helpmeplease

CathyMoran wrote:

If I had a penny for every time there were breaks in my relationship with my now hubby...there is life together if you get back together, maybe she is just scared of commitment, I know that I was. Enjoy being with her and stop worrying!

It does take time to get the magic back after a break but you can and will, it just takes time.

yes she has often said she is afraid of her life being planned out for her. i think that means she is sometimes scared of commitment.
may i ask how long it took for the magic to come back?
i guess i always assumed if we got back together everything would be perfect straight away:rolleyes:
its good to know that it is possible anyway:)

thanks to everyone for their replies so far, its great to hear other peoples experiences. every post has been so helpful.

CathyMoran

helpmeplease wrote:

yes she has often said she is afraid of her life being planned out for her. i think that means she is sometimes scared of commitment.
may i ask how long it took for the magic to come back?
i guess i always assumed if we got back together everything would be perfect straight away:rolleyes:
its good to know that it is possible anyway:)

thanks to everyone for their replies so far, its great to hear other peoples experiences. every post has been so helpful.

It took me until I was ready to commit for us to fully settle down but the magic came back a lot faster, personally I could not be happier with my husband (we are so in love).