Am I a freak?

provisious

Hi there,



New to this site and find it quite comprehensive and informative. I have a personal problem that has lasted for a long long time. Basically I am utterly bored with life. I have been to see therapists, doctors, psychiatrists, gurus, mystics, you name it, I’ve listened to what they are saying, tried medication, illegal drugs, drinking, partying, art, writing, adventure sports, sexual experimentation, hobbies, had lots of relationships, some serious, some not and I have come to the opinion that I am not a fan of earth in its current shape I am NOT suicidal in the sense that I would attempt self harm, but I have little interest in this flawed world. I suppose my post is trying to ascertain if these feelings are common – the last guy I seen, a psychiatrist said I may have been suffering from a dissassociative disorder, but I didn’t really fit the profile. He was quite open in his assessment and agreed that it was possible that I may just be a hypersensitive individual who had difficulty letting go of all the unpleasantness that this world offers. Now don’t get me wrong, I am luckier than most and know it. I have a good family, education, job, am reasonably successful with members of the opposite sex, am told I am bright, funny, charismatic etc but the thing is, its all a shell, a sham and a front. I now exactly when to smile, what context to tell jokes in, when to nod sagely or conspiratorially, when to agree with a point or when to argue my case. But as said, it’s a sham. I believe in nothing and no one. I have adopted a liberal slightly leftwing persona to present to the world not because I believe in the ideals associated with it, more because the conservative rightwing ideology is less appealing. I feel like a complete fake at times, most strongly this morning as I lay in bed with my current girlfriend, a really nice decent girl who has fallen for this empty vessel hook line and sinker. For the first time in I do not know how long I experienced a twinge which I am realizing is guilt – guilt at her enthusiasm for our relationship and where she sees it going. I am a complete b*astard I suppose stringing her along and she is there to complete the persona of me the happy reasonably successful thirty something. I know from past experience how it will go – I will glide along for a few months or even a few years until she realizes that I am not what I seem and she will dump me in exasperation for my increasing unveiling of the emptiness inside. I’ll pretend to be upset at this publicly, but privately, when alone I feel nothing at all. Whilst alone I do nothing at all if I can. Once I finish my daily chores and am alone I will sit in an armchair until I feel ready to go to bed looking at a wall. I am not sad, I am not happy, I merely exist. I am unmoved in the main. I have seriously considered volunteering for overseas aid work, preferably in a dangerous part of the world – Iraq would be ideal and I have relevant skill which should help gain me access although anywhere where I might be likely to face real danger would suit. I also know that if I did come to a stickly situation I would probably find some new found respect for my life and deeply regret my stupid life choices, yet I would still pursue this path knowing what I know. Am I rare or has this world produced or is it producing people like me? The world needs people who care, who act, who contribute. I am not one of those people. If I was told that the world was ending with my life I don’t think I would be bothered. Is this a growing phenomenon? Am I a freak?

MrBaseball

Well in my utterly non expert opinion, your post reads like you have some form of depression mixed in with a flair for the dramatic. The whole apathy thing, not feeling like anything's worthwhile, nothing is important etc, sounds like depression to me. Either that or you could just honestly believe that life is ultimately somewhat pointless and that we present fronts to other people etc etc. Which may be true.

Also, you've found that presenting a front to people and acting only in ways that you feel will be socially beneficial is emotionally unfullfilling. Of course it is. There are always ways to act that will lead to less resistance in your dealings with others. It's probably hard to respect yourself if you have no actual convictions, and you just do whatever is beneficial in whatever situation you're in.

LegacyUser

Would you consider giving up all the wonderful things you have but dont want, sell all those things you own that dont bring you any joy, buy a plane ticket to Africa or somewhere poverty stricken in Asia and make a difference.

You'd actually be ideal for missionary work. I think you could find yourself. If you say your numb, then being around people who could be dead of disease the next may suit. Going a fighting in a war isn't the answer. Its not even YOUR war.

As for the girlfiriend, your not being fair to her. When girls are younger they dream of meeting their mr. special and your just setting her up to be let down.

I think maybe going a getting on a jet plane dont know when I'll be back again will do you some good, you need to go out a have a life, rather than stay stuck in Ireland living your life out.

Even if you still sit in an armchair in Cambodia, at least you can look forward to new tastes, people and smells the next day.

My answer to the are youa freak question is, I think your a little spoiled and too settled. You've obviously had money to see all the therapists etc, I think seriously, get a plane ticket out of Ireland, bring a blank notebook and start living A life rather than seeping through it,

LegacyUser

You've just put to words what I never could. I feel the exact same way. I've done it all at this stage, lived in many countries, been with many girls, loved, lost love, experimented with sex and drugs. I would say read some Sartre or Camus but that might just disillusion you further, they're both existentialist writers. It could be down to what we have in that we have everything we could ever want really without having to do all that much for it. I breezed through school and college, walked into many jobs, they've always been piss easy and paid well. I would imagine Fishermen in Indonesia don't suffer from this kind of problem. I don't know how it's cured, maybe if you have kids, but why would you want to bring kids into this pointless world? The volounteer work thing sounds good, it might bring you back to reality, unless you're already in reality and it's just as gloomy as you described. Good luck.

txt_mess

Strange enough situation I can understand an apathy towards life I think most people get that feeling at some stage or other but you do seem to be almost a 3rd party to whats going on with your life and around you.

The volunteering idea sounds like a positive one maybe by realising a bit more self worth you will become more involved in your life and more engaged and emotionally more linked to it.

I would have to say you don't have to go as far as Iraq I don't see how putting your life in danger will make you realise it more , I know people have near death experiences that bring on that feeling but they are already living their life and it just ups their expectations of it. I would say you need somehow to get back in the flow of things , is there nothing that makes you happy in the true sense of the word ?

Good choice aswell on professional opinions I would continue that as an objective person who knows what they are talking about is a good thing to have on your side.

davej

Apologies in advance if this all sounds like philosophical mumbo jumbo

It seems to me that you are describing a situation where "you" are in some respects an objective (and somewhat disconnected) observer of the phenomenal actions which your body carries out.

From what you say you have already attempted to satiate your boredom by varying your experiences as much as possible and this has not worked. At best it seems like a temporary fix to your problems. Heading off on an adventure might keep the wolves at bay for a while but it won't solve anything in the long run.
Do you not have any curiosity about the world and a need to understand what this crazy thing we call "experience" is ? Most people take it for granted because one doesn't need to understand experience to have experiences.

Perhaps you could find some motivation in pursuing this? Your only passion at the moment seems to be a need to understand why you are the way you are - if you learn more about the general qualities of consciousness and experience it might help - and in any case this is a lifelong task in itself so it would keep you busy. The time would come when you would be willing to embrace the world again but this time you would be equipped with an intellectual rigour with which to make more sense of things.

You say you have tried various gurus/mystics but the simple fact of the matter is that the probability of you meeting the enlightened individual who will explain things to you in person is extremely low. In fact such an individual only crops up once or twice in each age of civilisation. You are far more likely to gain understanding by reading the works of these people. i.e. humanities greatest philosophers/thinkers.

Also there are people out there who can make your life more interesting though they may be difficult to find.

davej

Nevyn

There maybe a medical reason for your diconnection, go talk to your dr about it.

DarkJager

I can understand exactly how you feel. I don't care much for anything that goes on in this world. From breaking up with long term girlfriends, to news about suicide bombers, nothing even makes me blink anymore. Not sure what you could class it as, but you're not alone in it. Suppose its just a state of mind some people get into when they realise how shallow and superficial everything in this world is. Suppose people like us just need to go day to day until the end comes, and try to get some enjoyment out of it.

provisious

Thanks for the input. I would agree with most of what you are saying, although I do know from professionals that its not depression. As to the dramatic, I suppose I am hoping that some highly dramatic incident might spur me to some form of interest in the world around me. The best diagnosis I got is that I am in some way separated from my emotions and the emotions of others although I am not psychopathic and do show some concern for others, just not enough really. I don’t feel depressed, just incredibly bored. Nothing really interests me and I am agnostic enough to be concerned about the possibility of an afterlife and a continuation of this boredom. I don’t like pain either and try to avoid it but I don’t really understand when others talk of emotional pain. I would like to know what having my heart broken felt like, I would like to know how people feel when they fall in love, but I don’t seem able. Perhaps if I kept with the counseling I might gain an insight, but again, it bored me something terrible. I know enough to know that in every other way, I am extremely lucky I have enough to eat, have my own home etc and that others have it way worse than me. The only thing that I look forward to is when I put my head on the pillow and lose consciousness.

I do have little respect for myself in terms of the amount of lies I tell in my life to those who ‘close’ to me – I have sat with friends who were going through rough patches and made all the right noises and gave advice, I have squeezed out tears as the occasion demanded, I have told people I loved them when I knew full well I didn’t nor did I understand the concept as it related to me or them. I do feel twinges now and again or self loathing, guilt and sometimes I found myself somewhat relieved at some result or incident, but when I sit amongst football fans who exult in the winning goal or I see the joy at weddings I feel very separated from the rest of the world. This rain the last while has really affected me in terms of how it is affecting others – I hear people at work complaining and being generally fed up with it, but to me its just rain and whilst I can get an understanding of why it is getting to them, I just don’t care about rain. I attended ****** with my girlfriend last weekend and drank a lot and even smoked some cannabis, but again, my reactions were all feigned (I never ever drink to excess for fear of the mask slipping). I suppose I am afraid of the being found out as being hollow, but even then, there are times I feel like telling someone ‘close’ to me how it is with me just to see if their reaction is interesting or affects me, but then I think of how boring it would be to have to explain it all in great detail over and over again much like I did for many a session with counsellers and other mental health professionals and whislt I can walk away from them, I get the feeling I would be hounded by family members and friends all looking to ‘help’. I am not sadistic and really don’t want to inflict pain on others but don’t seem overly concerned if I inadvertantly do.

I do know what is ‘right’ and what is ‘wrong’ and I do try to act in a ‘right’ way as best as can as I cannot understand those who delight in causing pain to others. I’m not complaining here at my lot in life, more curious than anything else. I tried to talk to people on suicide forums, but they keep thinking I am going to attempt to take my own life, which I certainly will not. As to working with those less fortunate, I suppose the way I see it, I’m as well to do something worthwhile with my life than drifting into old age? I definitely would not want any involvement with a war or violence and whilst I wouldn’t be afraid of much, I wouldn’t be completely fearless either. I envisage scenarios in which my life is at risk and wonder at how I would I react – would I just keep the veneer or would I finally experience true fear as other descibe it? I just don’t know and maybe I never will.

Thinking as I am writing, I am not even fully sure why I am posting this anyway because I get the feeling that even if I got a answer, its how I use the answer that really matters and I feel I wouldn’t do anything with it?

Perhaps I just want to hear an opinion from a non professional who doesn’t really care one way or the other or perhaps I am looking for someone like me?

Thaedydal wrote:

There maybe a medical reason for your diconnection, go talk to your dr about it.

There isnt - I have had more test than I care to mention - its definitely not a medical problem and I can safely say my brain is not showing any obvious signs of damage or differences to the standard norm.

muppetkiller

OP do you have any goals ?
I mean in the next 5 years what do you want to see or do ?
If you don't that could also be dragging you down.
without a clear end point you'll only get bored and withdrawn.

Wibbs

I could be smart here and say it's called being a mopey introspective adolescent. Joking aside there is some truth in it. If as you say your problem hasn't any medical basis then I'd say that's it. People nowadays seem to go through longer and longer childhoods and adolescence. Bit of a trend and all that. It's not the old, "it was harder in the old days" nonsense either, but many people today have far better, more interesting lives than before, yet still question, "is this it?" Answer? Yep pretty much. It's what you chose to make of it is the thing.

I suspect it'll pass, the more life knocks a few of the corners off you. Put it another way I knew a fair few blokes with very similar feelings to yours back in the day. You don't get many of them at 30 though(unless depressed). You'll likely grow out of it, if it's not medical.

Plateau

You need a passion and a focus for something and you need to get back to basics to find it. I'd say this kind of sickness is pretty common in Ireland, where people have so much money and comfort, and we are such a shallow and young country, that by the low standards for happiness and success we have set ourselves, most of us are doing very well and have no sense of meaning or purpose in our lives.

The standard answer on here and elsewhere is always go to a counselor. Personally, I wouldn't bother.

When I read you initial post I was thinking, this guy needs to do aid work in a war zone. And then you mentioned exactly that. You need to get back to basics, imho. Drop the girl, give up the job, and free up the cash that you undoubtedly have lying around in accounts, cars, whatever, and get out of the country. Travel is great, but it sounds like you need something with more of an edge. The aid work idea would be a good one. I think you need to be up against it big time and see some life and death, and struggle a bit, to get a sense of perspective and build your life on more solid foundations than it is built on now. Keep going until you feel something, then you'll know you're on the right track.

LegacyUser

I have to say while i have the opposite problem of feeling far too much, strange as it is, i can see similarities in your emotional state and mine. I've found myself staring at walls just waiting for the day to be over, so i could find comfort in sleep. I've done the complete indifference to the world around me thing too. Its interesting to read that theres an opposite end to the spectrum however. I have to say i find it quite bizzare, it's almost like you're playing 'house' or something.

[quoteI would like to know what having my heart broken felt like, I would like to know how people feel when they fall in love, but I don’t seem able. Perhaps if I kept with the counseling I might gain an insight[/quote]

You can go to counseling for eternity but no one can teach you how to feel.

It seems you've spent so much time learning how to convey appropriate emotions you've stopped listening to how you actually feel, and at some level you admit, you do feel. It confuses me that you seem to want there to be 'more' to life, but at the same time you're not actually living life?

[/quote]there are times I feel like telling someone ‘close’ to me how it is with me just to see if their reaction is interesting or affects me, but then I think of how boring it would be to have to explain it all in great detail over and over again much like I did for many a session with counsellers and other mental health professionals and whislt I can walk away from them, I get the feeling I would be hounded by family members and friends all looking to ‘help’. I am not sadistic and really don’t want to inflict pain on others but don’t seem overly concerned if I inadvertantly do. [/qoute]

How do you expect to ever really experience life if you continually take the easy way out. Of course telling someone close to you is not going to have an effect on you, because they're not actually 'close' to you.

oh and break up with the GF if you don't really care for her.

It does just seem that you have had the good fortune of having an easy life, and in doing so you've never had the chance to experience any real suffering or pain, i suppose it must be hard to put other emotions into context without that experience. So i don't think all the answers in the world are going to solve anything until life throws a lot of crap your way, which i'm sure it will eventually.

Wibbs

Plateau wrote:

The standard answer on here and elsewhere is always go to a counselor. Personally, I wouldn't bother.

I have to agree. While counseling has it's undoubted uses, especially if you have a medical basis for your issues, depression, bipolar etc, yes, professional help is a must. A tool, one of many to help with coping. It's not the bloody panacea all too many seem to think. Look at the studies that found counseling more often made something like post traumatic stress worse!. Yet every time there's a traumatic event the counselors are out in force. Some get almost addicted to it too. Even when it is useful, an over reliance on it isn't always healthy in the long term. Sooner or later you have to take ownership of your own problems and your own solutions.

Sometimes you just need to do something. We all sometimes need to just get a grip and go looking for our own answers. Not a popular sentiment to be sure, but there you go.

LegacyUser

Yeah, i can identify with what the OP feels, though not quite as soulless, breezed through school and college getting firsts and being popular but not really caring about anything. I've a great job, there is virtually no limit to how much I could earn, I do pretty well with pretty girls, very loving family and great friends etc etc, but is this it?

I've read the books on it, I've looked into what works for other people but for me, it's always same old, same old. I think it comes from having everything too easily, but lacking the competitive edge to push for real challenges, what real challenges are left any way?

Ti

Why put yourself down? You're a very lucky person.You know EXACTLY what you are.......A shell a sham and a front.

microgirl

Hey

I experience some or all of what you describe, but not as chronically or long-term as you seem to. I've never understood it myself, and have never been to anyone about it because I'm lucky enough that it's not very frequent (although it is semi-regular) and never long-lasting - we're talking at the absolute most a day or two, and often only hours, though maybe a few hours every day for a week or so, if it's particularly bad - and so I feel like it's not really anything serious enough to go to anyone.

So the only thing that strikes me as unusual in your case is the duration of it.

However, I will also echo what others have said about a depression element to it. I might be talking through my hat - especially since you have seen professionals - but I certainly know for a fact that it affects me badly when I'm down. I often feel or think I am fake, or going through the motions - your description of knowing what to say when, when to smile, when to do X is *exactly* it - but when my mood is stable I accept that it's not really the case. I think probably *everyone* is doing this "sham" existence, wearing a persona or personas (we're all different in different company) just that the likes of you and me have got this banjaxed notion that other people are "real", that there is a "real" to be, and that thus we are fake, because it doesn't feel natural.

If my mood is black, if I'm on a downturn, then those thoughts of how fake and phoney I am, how much I'm just a tiny creature inside this fake body that's not mine, or even a me-sized creature who isn't actually me, but is inhabiting this puppet, just below the skin, then they become consuming and I have to work to get back to rational thought. And the only way to deal with it is recognise it and then just say "Yes, but that's not actually the case".

The big, crucial difference though is that I do feel, I do have emotions, so I have an arguing point for myself.

Ok, I've started to waffle now, and am tired enough that I don't actually know what I'm saying. Not that it's really relevant anyway though

I guess I just found your post, your descriptions, very interesting.

CliffHuxtabel

Youre self-absorbed to a frightening degree.

Go for that voluntary work in Iraq or become a fireman or just find something to devote your energies to.

If all else fails you can start up your own Fight Club.

Im no expert but getting no enjoyment from life sounds like a symptom of depression.

BrandonBlock

Ok finally read this whole thread, just like to ask OP a few questions:

1. You say you are thirty something, how long have you felt like this - since what age like.

I ask because I am 22 and feel like I am heading down the same path as yourself, not quite there yet but more than likely will be in a few years. The difference between now and then being I have some very minor problems (debt from college, etc) now that will be sorted within the next year.

2. Was it a chain of events that led to you feeling like this, or did it just seem to happen naturally over an extended period of time, or did you wake up one day and suddenly feel this 'apathy' I suppose is the only word I can use to describe it - and it never shifted?

Esel

I can see you in a missionary position, taking the pain. Go for it. Or go on the streets with nothing except the clothes on your back. Try surviving for a while. You even smoked some cannabis. Bet you left your tent behind, if you stayed overnight. That doesn't sound like your thing though.

Take up rock-climbing. That will take your mind off irrelevancies for sure. Although, knowing what I know about you from this thread, I would not climb with you. And I don't climb alone much anymore. I used to judge people on this basis. Would I trust this person with my life? To pay attention to the rope when I'm climbing; to be there for me when the chips were down. Lots of people failed that test. Doesn't mean they weren't OK or nice, just that they were not tuned in.

Could how you are be as a result of your upbringing? Were your parents remote?

One thing you could easily change is to put some paragraphs in your posts. Press the Carriage Return key twice every so often. It makes it easier on your readers, and so increases your readership.

Have you ever attempted writing? Fiction, poetry, songs? If you are so good at 'faking it', I'm sure you would be successful. Take up a musical instrument (or a different one if you are already proficient).

Maybe you have a congenital brain abnormality which is at the root of your condition. Have you ever investigated this possibility? If your brain scan shows some abnormality, at least you will know the reason for how you are. You will then be able to accept your condition and get on with the rest of your life.

Bottle_of_Smoke

esel wrote:

I can see you in a missionary position, taking the pain.

LOL

OP - Life doesn't have to be interesting or fulfilling. You don't seem depressed to me at all. Just seems like you're an intelligent guy who isn't afraid to evaluate his circumstances honestly.

Read "The Selfish Gene" by Richard Dawkins.

pwd

You are have no challenge and apparently no genuine intimacy in your life. These are as important components of happiness as pleasure.

Being intelligent and strongly skilled socially help you keep people at a distance.

I have experienced what you are expressing to some extent. I am aware of it in others too.

I don't think you are dissassociated or suffer from a mental disorder. I think you don't care deeply enough about anyone or anything and don't get properly involved yourself - you keep a mask up the whole time as you say.

You seem not to have any dependants and seem secure financially. Maybe quit your boring job and try to do something more challenging.

I'm in a p!ss-easy but well-paid job at the moent and I have handed in my notice to quit to do a post-grad which should be challenging though poorly-paid, and I feel good for this decision.

No you are not a freak. Lots of people are bored and emotionally distant.

provisious

Theres so many posts to reply to but I’ll try to answer some of the queries as best I can. One posted said I am self absorbed to frightening degree – this is true, I find myself attracted to the philoposphy of solipsism: From the WIkipedia

‘’ Solipsism (Latin: solus, alone + ipse, self) is the philosophical idea that "My mind is the only thing that exists". Solipsism is an epistemological or metaphysical position that knowledge of anything outside the mind is unjustified. ‘’

I am probably the most self absorved person I know – I have great difficulty being able to care about anything except as it relates to me and my life. This sounds uber selfish and I admit that it is. This condition is almost like selfishness taken to the nth degree and all those in my life are as actors in a play.

Someone else said I am a fake, a shell and a sham. Very accurate and whilst I can see how this may be taken with umbrage by some, I see it in a very logical way as being a fundamentally correct assessment. I don’t get insulted by anything and only react to slights as I deem it socially acceptable and contextually correct. For a long time I was very confused between genuine banter and open insults but I have learnt to differentiate between the two to a degree whereby I can execute my role with a certain polish. One advantage though is that in my career, ‘thick skin’ is a requirement and as such I have excelled due to this.

A reason to be cheerful? Perhaps, but again, perhaps not. I have no difficulty saying I am a selfish, vain, self absorbed and obsessed person, but with my understanding of morality amongst other things I know these to be highly negative attributes and not attractive in anyway. One thing I do get some ‘amusement’ from, even if amusement is possibly an order of magnitude greater than what I really experience, is the notion of showing these posts to someone who is ‘close’ to me – I have put ‘close’ in inverted commas as it is an inaccurate description.

Am I lucky? I suppose I am in many many ways and I don’t feel sorry my myself in the slightest. I do however feel in some way cheated out of so much of life and I also feel that being ‘good’ or ‘decent’ is the correct way to live and that being a productive, valued member of society is a must else we would revert to barberism and chaos. However, I feel like a deputy in a sheriffs posse, some ranchhand recruited into the ranks of the just and righteous, riding along with only my own interests being served. To the competant observer, their would be little difference between me and the ‘bandits’ we were pursuing.

I say above I am selfish, vain and self obsessed. The only interest I have in life is me. I can imagine how that sounds to some and how it could alienate people, hence the fact this secret is mine alone.

My use of illegal drugs has only been in an experimental way and to be honest, I don’t see the point in the slightest. Ecstasy made me sweat and did give me lots of energy, cocaine numbed my nose and again gave me energy, cannabis made me tired and hungry and speed just made me feel like I had not slept for some days. LSD made colours intense and mushrooms made me feel like I could not get comfortable either sitting down or standing up. Not once did they affect my mindstate and even alcohol doesn’t do much except make me slur slightly (although I wouldn’t really drink much anyway). I smoked for a while but gave it up as a nuisance. I might point out that I found giving up cigarettes pathetically easy and for once in a long time I felt what might best be described as contempt for those who had difficulty with it. However, this was very telling for my counsellor at the time along with my experiences with drugs and made him even more convinced the problem had a physical basis.

As for my background, I have 2 brothers who are successful in their fields and happily married, my parents are both professionals and they were good parents who did their best for their children without over indulging us and trying to teach us values and to value others and our lot. They didn’t punish me overly nor where they overly violent for their day (a smack on the palm at worst) nor did they act in anyway to cause me this condition – this has been well established through numerous counselling sessions.

I must admit though I found some amusement in one of posts above regarding the festival at punchestown (I understand now why the ‘O’ word is proscribed) as to how I left my tent behind – I did indeed leave it behind when I heard it would be used for refugees. A noble cause indeed.

I would also like to point out that I am not emotionless. I do feel some tinges at times, I can be apprehensive, I can gain amusement such as the point above regarding the tent, I can be excited about driving my bike at times, but from what I understand, my own feeling of ‘joy’ would be as a raindrop to an ocean in comparison with others and this ephemeral ‘joy’ is rare and fleeting. I do ‘care’ about others to some extent, I would not have my parents or brothers hurt of know pain, nor would I like to see anyone suffer. The one thing that really ever affected me were images of suffering in developing nations – one image that always stayed with was an image of a woman in Bangladesh many years ago after a flood. She was perhaps mid 40’s and had lost half her family and all she could manage was a haunted look as the film crew tried to convey the devastation that she felt – her eyes were as a mirror to my soul, the feeling of complete emptiness and lonliness. Don’t misunderstand me here, I am not equating my ‘issues’ with hers nor I am trying to identify with her, here was a woman who had had so much cruelly removed yet I sensed that here was a human being who had come to a place where I could understand her but only through such suffering as she endured. This image haunts me to this day hence my line of thought concerning aid work. The idea of helping others to help themselves isnt really what I would be in it for, but if I can do something to help me understand me and also help others then that is a logical trade off for me as I am a believer in a required price for all that which is gained in life. At worst I would find out nothing about myself but at least my efforts were positive and may have helped others in the meantime.

This thread is a real eye opener for me in how much the ‘average’ person can see from a few short lines summing up my existence.

I shall keep on replying as time permits in work and to be honest, I do find myself reading some of the replies with a measure of interest and yes, it is my inherent selfishness that drives this.

LegacyUser

'

provisious wrote:

Theres so many posts to reply to but I’ll try to answer some of the queries as best I can. One posted said I am self absorbed to frightening degree – this is true, I find myself attracted to the philoposphy of solipsism: From the WIkipedia

‘’ Solipsism (Latin: solus, alone + ipse, self) is the philosophical idea that "My mind is the only thing that exists". Solipsism is an epistemological or metaphysical position that knowledge of anything outside the mind is unjustified. ‘’

I am probably the most self absorved person I know – I have great difficulty being able to care about anything except as it relates to me and my life. This sounds uber selfish and I admit that it is. This condition is almost like selfishness taken to the nth degree and all those in my life are as actors in a play.

Someone else said I am a fake, a shell and a sham. Very accurate and whilst I can see how this may be taken with umbrage by some, I see it in a very logical way as being a fundamentally correct assessment. I don’t get insulted by anything and only react to slights as I deem it socially acceptable and contextually correct. For a long time I was very confused between genuine banter and open insults but I have learnt to differentiate between the two to a degree whereby I can execute my role with a certain polish. One advantage though is that in my career, ‘thick skin’ is a requirement and as such I have excelled due to this.

A reason to be cheerful? Perhaps, but again, perhaps not. I have no difficulty saying I am a selfish, vain, self absorbed and obsessed person, but with my understanding of morality amongst other things I know these to be highly negative attributes and not attractive in anyway. One thing I do get some ‘amusement’ from, even if amusement is possibly an order of magnitude greater than what I really experience, is the notion of showing these posts to someone who is ‘close’ to me – I have put ‘close’ in inverted commas as it is an inaccurate description.

Am I lucky? I suppose I am in many many ways and I don’t feel sorry my myself in the slightest. I do however feel in some way cheated out of so much of life and I also feel that being ‘good’ or ‘decent’ is the correct way to live and that being a productive, valued member of society is a must else we would revert to barberism and chaos. However, I feel like a deputy in a sheriffs posse, some ranchhand recruited into the ranks of the just and righteous, riding along with only my own interests being served. To the competant observer, their would be little difference between me and the ‘bandits’ we were pursuing.

I say above I am selfish, vain and self obsessed. The only interest I have in life is me. I can imagine how that sounds to some and how it could alienate people, hence the fact this secret is mine alone.

My use of illegal drugs has only been in an experimental way and to be honest, I don’t see the point in the slightest. Ecstasy made me sweat and did give me lots of energy, cocaine numbed my nose and again gave me energy, cannabis made me tired and hungry and speed just made me feel like I had not slept for some days. LSD made colours intense and mushrooms made me feel like I could not get comfortable either sitting down or standing up. Not once did they affect my mindstate and even alcohol doesn’t do much except make me slur slightly (although I wouldn’t really drink much anyway). I smoked for a while but gave it up as a nuisance. I might point out that I found giving up cigarettes pathetically easy and for once in a long time I felt what might best be described as contempt for those who had difficulty with it. However, this was very telling for my counsellor at the time along with my experiences with drugs and made him even more convinced the problem had a physical basis.

As for my background, I have 2 brothers who are successful in their fields and happily married, my parents are both professionals and they were good parents who did their best for their children without over indulging us and trying to teach us values and to value others and our lot. They didn’t punish me overly nor where they overly violent for their day (a smack on the palm at worst) nor did they act in anyway to cause me this condition – this has been well established through numerous counselling sessions.

I must admit though I found some amusement in one of posts above regarding the festival at punchestown (I understand now why the ‘O’ word is proscribed) as to how I left my tent behind – I did indeed leave it behind when I heard it would be used for refugees. A noble cause indeed.

I would also like to point out that I am not emotionless. I do feel some tinges at times, I can be apprehensive, I can gain amusement such as the point above regarding the tent, I can be excited about driving my bike at times, but from what I understand, my own feeling of ‘joy’ would be as a raindrop to an ocean in comparison with others and this ephemeral ‘joy’ is rare and fleeting. I do ‘care’ about others to some extent, I would not have my parents or brothers hurt of know pain, nor would I like to see anyone suffer. The one thing that really ever affected me were images of suffering in developing nations – one image that always stayed with was an image of a woman in Bangladesh many years ago after a flood. She was perhaps mid 40’s and had lost half her family and all she could manage was a haunted look as the film crew tried to convey the devastation that she felt – her eyes were as a mirror to my soul, the feeling of complete emptiness and lonliness. Don’t misunderstand me here, I am not equating my ‘issues’ with hers nor I am trying to identify with her, here was a woman who had had so much cruelly removed yet I sensed that here was a human being who had come to a place where I could understand her but only through such suffering as she endured. This image haunts me to this day hence my line of thought concerning aid work. The idea of helping others to help themselves isnt really what I would be in it for, but if I can do something to help me understand me and also help others then that is a logical trade off for me as I am a believer in a required price for all that which is gained in life. At worst I would find out nothing about myself but at least my efforts were positive and may have helped others in the meantime.

This thread is a real eye opener for me in how much the ‘average’ person can see from a few short lines summing up my existence.

I shall keep on replying as time permits in work and to be honest, I do find myself reading some of the replies with a measure of interest and yes, it is my inherent selfishness that drives this.

Stop talking about yourself and saying "I" all the time. You are interesting and intelligent, but not so much so.

Most children are taught this at any early age, which prevents them from becoming self obsessed, and teaches them to look and observe the world and people around them.

It's an easy way out to become self obsessed. The harder path is to find the balance in between a "healthy" measure of ego and self belief, and the experience and interactions with others that we learn from and take a kick from, from time to time. It's character building.

Being self obsessed rarely leads to character building or intellect IMO.
It also leaves you as a good candidate to be a social pariah after your 30's...

You will most possibly suffer long term in a few ways.
You'll be incredibly boring. Learning and growing emotionally often depends on the input of others, and the value of conversation. Banter, as you term it, is often a simple tool for useful learning, and the start of most relationship building, starter conversations.
Learning and growing intellectually can often depend on same. Books and literature are open to self interpretation, and are limited by the individual reading them.
You're "secret", as you call it, will be out, in any relationship that you want to pursue later on in life, for whatever reason.

Grow up and get over your own self-importance.
Stop talking about yourself. Reading that almost fried my head.
Ten years of therapy will only teach you to focus and analyse yourself.
What you need to do is get rid of the ego, stop self-analysing and look outside the limited box, that is yourself.'

CliffHuxtabel

Dude, try Zen Buddhism. It should help you with your ego problem.

Buddhism is a much better option than solipsism.