BF paying for nothing

LegacyUser

Hey,

Ive been with my boyfriend for nearly 4 years. We are both on asically the same wages, maybe him slightly more. But everytime we go out, I seem to pay for everything. Everytime we go to the cinema I generally pre book seats on my credit card to get the seats we want for a busy screening, and text him saying he owes me such and such, and I never see the money. And I bring it up and he laughs it off, and still doesnt give it to me. Then he spends €10 on sweets, and doesnt even offer me some!

The same with drinks, I ALWAYS buy him at least one or two. I cant tell you the last time he bought me one. Same with chinse...renting dvd's...you get the picture.

And he gets me somethng for my birthday and Christmas, worth about half what I buy him.

Im not trying to be mean, I dont expect alot at all, but I think this is a bit much along with everythig else??!

And my parents are constantly saying it to me...oh did he pay u for that? or is that all he got u for ur birthday? And i feel im constantly lying to them about it. I dont want to think of him as being mean, I just dont understand.

And people might say that I should stop buying stuff for him, but i like to spend money on peopple i care about, and would hope no one would ever think of me as tight or mean.

Any insights?

Thanks in advance xx

LegacyUser

Sit him down and tell him to losen the pockets. I know it sounds kinda off tangent, but what star sign is he? See if its in his ways.. I looked up detials on what i should be like based on my star sign and it was freakey how accurate it was. Then look up the compatibilites!

If you both see each other on a regular basis, make roughly the same money then you would know if he had money left over at hte end of the week and so on.. If hes broke, but not spending it with you you need to ask where is the money going?...

If your going to the cinema, dont just book it, confirm it with him, and get the money up front. Then make the booking, tell him you wont book it untill he gives you the money.

If money is an issue (which im not saying your in it for that, but he is taking hte piss tbh) call him on it. I know i would, the chap should be ashamed of himself.

On another note, its not hte cost of the presant, its the thought that goes into it. So you need to ask yourself, are the gifts that he brings heart felt ones that had alot of thought put into them, or just ones that will do just to get said event out of the way?

dellas1979

Next time, why dont you just ask him "have you got €5 for the DVD?" or for dinner or something "you want to go halves?". Seems its all become a bit of a habit. If you are not happy, say something to him.

Beau*

Seems like he's just got use to the luxury of you paying for all his stuff, I would just honestly confront him about it, best way to go rather than beating around the bush.

JC 2K3

re: presents, I really don't think monetary value should be an issue. Thought that counts and all that....

In any case, just stop buying him stuff. It's your own problem if you feel you have to.

little miss

I don't get this, why can't you just talk to him about this and tell him how you feel? If you've been together for four years, surely its something you should discuss and sort? He sounds really tight and mean. I think you should tell him how annoying it is, and if it continues like that, and it still bugs you, well move on. Tell him its a deal breaker if it is so he takes it seriously.

-TK^Creator

its him u got to say to him that ur not happy about having to pay for everything. and ask him does he not thing ur worth buying stuff for? better to be blunt then to be subtle but if u've left it like this for 4 years then you btr try get him to change now

hanni1234

Get drunk and go mad at him some night over it. Then turn on the tears. Next day apologise you were drunk. Seed Planted

kelle

Does he tend to spend his money on other things? Maybe he's just got used to you willingly paying for everything, but I think it's more likely he's just a skinflint.
I'm thinking down the road if you two get married or buy a house together, or both. He'll probably expect you to pay the mortgage and household bills while he keeps his money to go drinking with his mates, or to just mount up in a savings account without ever spending it (what's the point, he'll only have to leave it to someone else who will spend it!).
A colleague at work is married to a bank manager who's a skinflint. I think he pays the mortgage (on a house that only cost them £40,000!), but she pays all household, school and shopping bills. She went part-time for a while, but quickly had to return to full-time because she couldn't "afford" to! Her children are now at college and she has herself worn to the bone doing frequent overtime. She's in her fifties and should be taking it easy.
It's up to you, either you start demanding he pays his share, put up with things as they are - or dump him!

seamus

isitmeorhim wrote:

And my parents are constantly saying it to me...oh did he pay u for that? or is that all he got u for ur birthday? And i feel im constantly lying to them about it. I dont want to think of him as being mean, I just dont understand.

It's none of your parents' business tbh.

And people might say that I should stop buying stuff for him, but i like to spend money on peopple i care about, and would hope no one would ever think of me as tight or mean.

Perhap though he *is* tight. If he's always been like this, then he's probably just scabby with his money.
Does he seem to have a lot of spare cash, or does he spend all his money on himself.

You can be obvious about it, or subtle. Being obvious consists of sitting him down and telling him that you're sick of paying for everything. Being subtle about it consists of going, "Can you get this?" when prompted to pay, or otherwise pretending that you've no cash on you.

Chances are if you go for the subtle approach, he'll start to resent you because he'll be under the impression that he's the one paying for everything. If he's as tight as he appears, this will manifest very quickly and you'll get a better idea of the kind of man you're going out with.
He probably doesn't even see it. If you sit him down and say it to him, he will see it.

Maple

Its none of your parents business. Full stop.

Secondly, say it to him. Don't be subtle or try giving him hints. Be calm about it but definitely point it out.

I get that you're generous and you like to show your love/affection by buying little treats etc but some people are not like that. It simply doesn't occur to them. Its not badness on their part, its just not part of their thought process. They don't love you the more or less for you having bought them presents either. If it irks you that you're always buying him presents and he doesn't get you anything, then stop buying him presents and start buying yourself presents.

ShowUsYourXbox

isitmeorhim wrote:

Thanks in advance xx

Maybe he knows you're sending kisses to random forum users on the internet!

LegacyUser

Thanks for your answers.

The reason why I havent sat him down and said it is because I dont know if he knows it, and I dont want to embarass him.

G&T

hanni1234 wrote:

Get drunk and go mad at him some night over it. Then turn on the tears. Next day apologise you were drunk. Seed Planted

That's a great idea.
A very cunning stunt.:D

MagicMarker

Just don't buy anything..... Oh my god!!! I can't believe i actually came up with that solution all by my own. Goodness gracious! :rolleyes:

kelle

isitmeorhim wrote:

Thanks for your answers.

The reason why I havent sat him down and said it is because I dont know if he knows it, and I dont want to embarass him.

But you've asked him for money back in the past and he hasn't given it to you!
He knows it alright, and he's happy to stay the way he is once he's getting away with it.
To those saying it's none of OP's parents' business - believe me, there's no-one better than parents to spot flaws like this as they've been around a lot longer , and it's never any harm to take their thoughts on board.
In the long term, I predict a life of misery with this scrooge. It's up to you, but I wouldn't put up with it.

heyjude

In 2007, would the reaction be different if it was the GF that was paying for nothing and the BF was paying for everything ? Something I suspect is pretty common

WindSock

Sounds like a tightarse aquarian Try all you can to avoid paying for things yourself, and ask him to pay, like when he goes to the bar tell him 'ill have a (insert poison here), thanks darl' And simply tell him straight out that you sometimes prefer things a little traditional and you are sick of paying for everything.

Gran Hermano

Arrange a big night out with him; book a taxi, nice restaurant and
arrange to meet some friends in a bar after dinner... once you're
out on the town you can always realise and announce that you forgot
your wallet

Cake Fiend

isitmeorhim wrote:

And people might say that I should stop buying stuff for him, but i like to spend money on peopple i care about

This is why he's going to keep doing it (or not doing it, as the case may be).

*Angel*

heyjude wrote:

In 2007, would the reaction be different if it was the GF that was paying for nothing and the BF was paying for everything ? Something I suspect is pretty common

No, not from me anyways!

Talliesin

I wonder if he's reluctant to spend money any time. Some people are careful of spending money to a fault, particularly people who have money now but were once quite poor, though there can be plenty of other ways.

JC 2K3 wrote:

re: presents, I really don't think monetary value should be an issue. Thought that counts and all that....

When the thought's "that'll do her" then I'm afraid the thought does count

I'm not getting the impression that he got the perfect present - which just happened to be cheap - or that he spent a lot of time and effort hunting something down - which just happened to be cheap. Do you see that in the OP's post?

heyjude wrote:

In 2007, would the reaction be different if it was the GF that was paying for nothing and the BF was paying for everything ?

Around here? Probably. However a brief period of the old man-pays rule of "party frocks don't have pockets" could be good in this particular case.

OP, I say pick a restaurant that's reasonably pricey but not grotesquely so (say Trocadero if you like old-fashioned, Eden if you like modern). Pick a date a couple of months away (to be sure you don't hit some honest crisis with the current pay period) and give him notice now that he's taking you out there and you're leaving your wallet at home.

Pick a wine from the middle of the list. Ignore the prices when it comes to picking what you eat. It'll do you both good.

Esel

"Don't want to embarrass him"?? FFS, embarrass the sh!t out of him. TBH, you sound like a bit of a doormat if you've put up with this for four years. On the presents, cut back on the value of your presents to him. Better still, embarrass him on this too.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Make jokes about it. Act as if you don't care that he's stingy but point it out a lot. Act as if everyone else thinks he's stingy too.

"oh, pulling the stingy stephen card are we"

"suppose you'll want me to pay for this then"

Guys will only be stingy if they can get away with it. If three guys have a meal that comes to E45 they'll all throw in a twenty & no one will initially admit to wanting change back.

I'd be pissed off if a girl was doing this to me. For some reason it seems a lot worse because he's a guy.

py2006

heyjude wrote:

In 2007, would the reaction be different if it was the GF that was paying for nothing and the BF was paying for everything ? Something I suspect is pretty common

I was waiting for somebody to say this! He is in an usual situation here. Its usually the women that sit there and expect everything they do to be paid for.

I can't believe he let you pay for the cinema and then bought sweets without sharing! Thats mad!

Just tell the guy that money is tight and you need to start going 50:50 or take turns.

As for putting down the presents he buys you because of how much they cost well thats just :eek:

Stabshauptmann

isitmeorhim wrote:

And people might say that I should stop buying stuff for him, but i like to spend money on peopple i care about

I read an interesting piece of pop psychology the other day. Basically it was about 5 ways of expressing love and how different ways dont mean as much to some people as they do to others.

Presents might be a key thing for you OP. You like buying presents, and you'd like to receive them. It could well be the case that presents mean little to him.

That cinema story seems very very strange OP. Usually when I go to the cinema I get the tickets and the girl gets the sweets. She might not say, btw these are for you too but its a given that when someone spends €10 on food you're supposed to dig in!

Though in most of my dealings things work out fairly even, Id find the idea of counting receipts and settling the balance quite obscene. This guy could be a sponge, they do exist and I personaly wouldnt stand for a spongy girl, but are you sure hes not (in his mind at least) paying you back for things at a latter date.

Rather than embarrass him, or set him up for a big bill, turn to him and say these simple words "why do I feel like Im always paying for everything for us, dont you love me?", if he makes a joke turn silent and walk off. Ignore him till he comes bearing gifts.

Kinetic^

The other half and myself go halves on everything..........tell him you want the same or you'll hit he road.

LegacyUser

I went on a date with a lad the other night and he paid for nearly everything, am I a sponge??? He asked me out on the date???

NextSteps

Kaptain Redeye wrote:

Though in most of my dealings things work out fairly even, Id find the idea of counting receipts and settling the balance quite obscene.

Yes and no. If you're living together, you need to be sure you're sharing the bills (for the boring house stuff). If it's other stuff (cinema, meals and so on) there needs to be an approximate balance. This time I pay, next time, you do. Otherwise it's just not fair, and you see yourself how it ends in resentment. Talk to him! Much easier than dropping hints, and at least there's no excuse for him to not understand.

Carrigart Exile

purplish wrote:

I went on a date with a lad the other night and he paid for nearly everything, am I a sponge??? He asked me out on the date???

Yes you are; its the 21st Century

DublinWriter

isitmeorhim wrote:

Im not trying to be mean, I dont expect alot at all, but I think this is a bit much along with everythig else??!

A bit much? It's a lot much to be honest.

You really need to sit him down for a full and frank exchange of views if you intend to have any long-term relationship with him.

muppetkiller

I had a similar problem with my girlfriend years ago. We'd go to do the shopping and she's forget her wallet everytime.

So one day at the counter with loads of people behind us I asked for her share , she didn't have it so I placed all her items to the back and said to the casher we wouldn't be needing these. The Casher laughed as did I. And the girlfriend never forgot her wallet again.

In Fact at the time too I wasn't working and she was earning big bucks.
It's unacceptable OP for him to treat you like this. Get a backbone and next time it happens leave him outside the movies and take two seats for yourself.

Stabshauptmann

purplish wrote:

I went on a date with a lad the other night and he paid for nearly everything, am I a sponge??? He asked me out on the date???

If you made no effort to pay for anything then yes.

BaZmO*

OP, the only reason why your boyfriend is behaving like this is because you're allowing him to behave like this.

You have to say something to him. Maybe you don't want to say it outright for fear of embarrassing him but a simple "It's your turn to pay" the next time you're out should suffice. Forget about all the advice about dropping hints because he'll either get confused or use it as an excuse that you weren't being clear with him.

My sister is going out with her boyfriend for well over 10 years and he's exactly like your boyfriend....a stingy git!! And in all the years that she's being going out with him he's always been like this. However, I always make sure I call him on it when we're out on a family occasion, i.e. "It's your turn to get a round in" or "It's your turn to pay for the taxi"

He would gladly let my sister pay for everything and he gladly does. It really wrecks my head but I understand that it's her problem and something she needs to sort out, just like you need to.

py2006 wrote:

As for putting down the presents he buys you because of how much they cost well thats just :eek:

In fairness, years and years of buying someone presents like iPods, Mobile Phones, trips away etc. when you're only getting CDs and €10 vouchers for HMV can get very tiresome.
Of course it's not about the money but when it's obvious someone is taking the p1ss you've got to say something.

carpainter

Most (if not all!) couples argue about money at some stage in their relationship. I think where two people are earning similiar salaries then there is no question but that both parties should split everything, insofar as is practicable. The exception to this is where you invite someone out or plan an occasion, then it may not be appropriate to ask your other half to split the cost! If your going out for 4 years you really should be able to sit down and tell your partner how you feel and come to some basic agreement on your joint finances or how you spend money on your (shared) social life. There will always be some friction in relationships when the man can't understand how his partner spends so much money on clothes, shoes etc; but this is counteracted by mens' spending on sport, cars, gadgets etc! There are no rules to be applied only honest, open communication; if you feel there is a problem you owe it to yourself and your partner to let them know about it.