feels like I've lost all direction

LegacyUser

Ok, I'll start at the beginning..

My mum was an alcoholic and there was alot of domestic violence around me growing up, my auntie basically brought me up and I stayed with her as often as I could. My brother and sister were born ten years after me and I've always felt like their real parent, I'd do anything for them. I can't go into details because there are too many horrible memories to write about.

My mother doesn't drink now but relapses every now and then, my father storms off and I have to travel home from dublin to pick up the pieces, and it hurts me everytime even though Im used to it now. She is a nervous wreck and I had to stand in for her a my brother and sister communion/confirmation. I take them away for their birthdays as they don't get parties. My sister going to secondary school in Sept and I'm buying her a computer because pigs would fly before that woman would spend anything on her. All shes spends money on is cigarettes, and its not even her money,its their childrens allowance and social. Even when i was a kid the only money she ever gave me was to get drink for her in the pub. My auntie who was on the dole and caring for my granny and grandad gave me everything,bought my debs dress,bought me food,and I love her so much for it. I have no feelings at all towards my parents apart from sometimes feeling sorry for my father. I don't love them,and I know that makes me a horrible person but I can't forget. I feel so much love for my auntie though so I figure that must be what its like to love your mother.

I was bullied alot at school but it all changed when I was 16 and met my boyfriend. I got so much more confident,he was 23 at the time and treated me like the adult I knew I was that age. He even waited til I was 18 before I was ready to go further with him and he was my rock. I'm still with him but I'll get onto that soon. I moved out when I finished school at 17 into a nearby town and it was the best day of my life, I finally had my own life. I had to work for a year to save up for college and I worked my ass off. I moved to Dublin the following year. I graduated last year with a HND but I as there was no grant available for me to complete the degree I have had to take another year out to work.

My boyf moved here a year and a half ago and we've been living together since...but recently I've been unsure if I'm stil happy with him after 5yrs together. I've questioned my feelings for someone else and although I know now I was just confused, I feel awful about it. He's so good to me you wouldn't believe. I tried to explain how I felt to him one night and we nearly broke up but we were both so upset we couldn't do it,so I must love him mustn't I? The thing is I'm starting to feel like Ive grown up to fast..sometimes I just want to get away.

We have decided to go the Australia next year to work for a year(mainly my idea) and I was thinking I'd apply to do the degree as a mature student when I get back as I'd get a grant that way. But now all my friends have finished their final year and I feel like even though I worked so hard to get here Ive achieved nothing, I have no degree. I used to love writing, but I don't do it anymore, I've got a job in sales that I like but its not the PR job I wanted. I've got back into my singing and I love it but its made me realise that I've really started to lose myself and all the ideas I had about what I wanted to do with my life.

I have a credit card debt of 2000 euro from my last year at college that I still have to pay off and its stressing me out so much. I applied to get a loan when I started this job as I was on emergency tax but it was declined and I worried about that too. I got my credit report but theres no info logged with the ICB for me at all..so it must be just my credit rating with my bank is lousy.

I know this is probably all jumbled and makes no sense but its just nothing is making sense to me anymore. I don't know where I go from here.

St Bill

Hi OP, first of all I'm really sorry to hear about the difficulties you had to overcome when you were younger. Most people wouldn't have to deal with things like that at such a young age, if ever.
It sounds like you are finally having a bit of time to think about yourself for a change, and you're realising that some things aren't what you'd like them to be. Your boyfriend sounds like a great guy, but unfortunately it mightn't be enough. May I suggest that you go to Australia anyway for the year and see how you get on? You'll probably find that you'll really come to rely on each other while overseas, and this can either be in a good way or a bad way...you'll REALLY get to know whether you are good for each other!
As for the money, you have a few choices. You can go to a budgeting advice office and sort out a way of making repayments, or go to the bank and explain the situation to them (yes I know they might seem like money-sucking machines, but lucky for us there are people behind the controls of the machines!). At the end of the day, it's €2000, a drop in the ocean for these people, and you have fought your way through an awful lot more and survived.
I hope everything works out for you. Good luck with your further studies. On an end note, I know a girl just like you....she refused to be brought down by the circumstances in her life and worked hard to get where she is today. She's got two beautiful, healthy children, a wonderful husband and is at the top of her job. It's all in front of you

St Bill

Hi OP, first of all I'm really sorry to hear about the difficulties you had to overcome when you were younger. Most people wouldn't have to deal with things like that at such a young age, if ever.
It sounds like you are finally having a bit of time to think about yourself for a change, and you're realising that some things aren't what you'd like them to be. Your boyfriend sounds like a great guy, but unfortunately it mightn't be enough. May I suggest that you go to Australia anyway for the year and see how you get on? You'll probably find that you'll really come to rely on each other while overseas, and this can either be in a good way or a bad way...you'll REALLY get to know whether you are good for each other!
As for the money, you have a few choices. You can go to a budgeting advice office and sort out a way of making repayments, or go to the bank and explain the situation to them (yes I know they might seem like money-sucking machines, but lucky for us there are people behind the controls of the machines!). At the end of the day, it's €2000, a drop in the ocean for these people, and you have fought your way through an awful lot more and survived.
I hope everything works out for you. Good luck with your further studies. On an end note, I know a girl just like you....she refused to be brought down by the circumstances in her life and worked hard to get where she is today. She's got two beautiful, healthy children, a wonderful husband and is at the top of her job. It's all in front of you

smiley666

For some people the upbringing that you have described is what fuels the drive they need in life to succeed.

You said that you feel horrible for not loving your parents. It is possible that you do love them but that the pain you feel because of their failures are at present stronger than that love. In time as you grow older and continue on with your own life the anger and resentment will fade. You won’t forget what has happened but the memories will become less painful and easier to live with. Even if you feel that you really don’t love them that’s not your fault. They have let you down and you have every right to be disappointed in them. Do not feel guilty because of it.

Have you exhausted all avenues for financial assistance at college ? (scholarship, grants for disadvantaged etc). Have you spoken to someone in the college. There is a lot of financial assistance available that people are not even aware of. If you have done so with little success then I think you have made the right decision to wait until you can apply as a mature student. If a 2000 euro debt is worrying and stressing you out then you will find it very hard to apply yourself to your studies in college without financial assistance.

WWW.MABS.IE will assist you with the credit card debt. They are a free and confidential service. I know of a lot of people who are not in debt but who would do well to use the service they provide. If nothing else it may teach you how to budget for the future so that you can save for your trip down under. Maybe try a credit union, post office or another bank for the loan. 2000 euro may not be a lot of money to some people but debt is relative so it’s probably a major concern for you right now. MABS have offices in every county. Talk to someone there and I’m sure you won‘t regret it.

As for Australia. Yes, go there. The opportunity to go may not come your way again. You may hate it and want to come back, but then again you might love it and make it your home. Don’t allow anything to change your mind if it’s what you really want to do. You said that you feel like you have grown up too quickly. Go there, have fun and treat it as the adventure that you so deserve.

From what you have written your boyfriend sounds like a wonderful person. Thinking you have feelings for somebody else or being uncertain about your feelings towards him doesn’t necessarily mean that you don’t love him. It just shows that you are human. I’m sure many of us go through those feelings at some stage or another. The important thing here is that you can’t possibly make a rational decision on how you feel about him when there are so many other things in your life confusing you right now. It would be awful to let go of a loving relationship with a good man because you are unsure of where your life is headed.

Sit down and make a list of your goals in life and the things that make you happy. Start with the smallest and the ones that seem the easiest to accomplish. (e.g the singing and writing). Then beside them write a list of ways in which you can achieve these goals. Take each, one step at a time and before you know it you will be well on your way to realising your dreams.

LegacyUser

thanks so much to both of you for your advice, I'm normally an optimistic person..I know I've done well for myself moving to Dub and getting this far, I guess I'm just so confused lately.

I have tried everything for college funding...even wrote to TD's but got nothing from it..I guess the mature student thing isn't such a bad idea is it?

I'll try MABS, I know 2grand isn't alot to some people but its alot of money to me,I've always hated owing anyone anything.
I don't think there would be any point going to another bank for a loan as I was recently denied a hire purchase loan because they got in touch with my bank to check my rating. I don't need it now anyway though because that was last year I applied.

I was thinking of joining the credit union and getting a loan to pay off my card and saving for austrailia at the same time..would that be a good plan?
What is the budget advice centre? I never heard of it before? It sounds interesting as I have alot to budget for this year, I want to sort out internet for my sister aswell.
I can't help feeling this way about my parents..and I don't think its ever going to change. I would cut all ties if there was no one else involved, but there is.

My boyf really is the best, he would do anything for me, I just feel a bit smothered right now I guess, I can't explain it. I don't want to get married, I don't want kids, I want to travel and have fun. But you're right, I think austrailia will be good for us.

Thanks for replying, its nice to get another perspective, I can't really talk to my auntie because I don't want her worrying about me, thats all she seems to do.

Victor

www.mabs.ie

Splendour

dontknow86,

Feeling like you hate your parents doesn't make you a horrible person, but rather a hurt one, and that's totally understandable.

Have you contacted your local FAS office with regards to courses/education?
Citizens advice is another place you could call to. The MABS crowd which Smiley gave you the web address of, are excellent. They can help you sort out paying back your credit card bill in a way that best suits you.

Can you talk to your Dad with regards to caring for your younger siblings? Or your Aunt? Can't be easy for you dealing with your own stuff and then having to be a parent to your brother and sister. If you think they are being abused or neglected, you should possibly get in touch with social services...

It's difficult for you to be optimistic at the moment,but remember there is help out there, you just have to know where to look for it.

God bless,

Splendour

LegacyUser

'social services idea of helping in tgh past was by not letting me live permanently with my auntie. They know what the current situation is but are doing nothing. My father cannot rationally discuss anything and I wouldn't even bother going to him, hes as selfish as her. But no to social workers, I've never come across such incompetent ppl in all my life and I'm sorry if that offends anyone but its my experience.

My sister has a good head on her shoulders and will move out as soon as is legal I'd say, my bro does too though he's off a younger mindset. I'm not too worried abou them, I do have a good extended family, 2other aunties and cousins that keep an eye on things. The thing is they can't interfere or it makes things worse, my father goes of the head. One time when I was younger they were fighting and I brought my bro and sis around to my aunties for the night, he came around the next night when my aunty was alone and terrified her by banging on doors and windows, he then took us to my grannys house 2hrs away in a remote area and kept us there for a month, I had to go to an irish school there even though I didnt speak a word of it. I'll never be able to describe how good it was the day I got home and got to see my auntie.

So you see, I just have to keep my eye on them from a distance. But he knows I'll take no **** from him now, first I hear of any rows etc - I get a bus home and take my bro and sis over to my aunties. But it has to me, they can't do it without me there because he would flip.

I don't need to go to FAS as its the final yr of my degree in a specific college that I need to do. It a college of further education though and its the first year they have done the degree course which is why there is a problem with the grant.

I know I gave a huge background history but to be honest I'm dealing with the family side of things, its only another few years now til my bro and sis are old enough to look after themselves. And until then I'm happy to look out for them, its not something that gets to me that much. I guess the problem now is with me, and my relationship, and what kind of career I'm going to get,sort out my debt, and how I'm going to show them that I didn't need them at all.

I probably shouldn't have posted here as I know this is a bit complicated and its only me that can figure it out. I guess the other night I just needed to write it down, yknow?

thanks again for all your replies, I really do appreciate it. But I'm going to copy mysxelf on a bit now and get on with things. No point crying over spilt milk!'