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how much time should you allow someone to get over their ex?
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15-07-2007 2:30amPeople say that it takes you half the time you were with someone to get over them. I am 25 (female); my longest relationship was for 4 years, and I truly believe it took me almost 2 to move on from him completely, and be able to be friends with him.
A friend of mine has recently broken up with his long-term girlfriend. There was always a bit of chemistry between him and I, but I just passed it off as harmless flirting, as we were not very close friends, and I never doubted his commitment to his relationship, nor would I want to interfere with that.
However, now that he is single, things between us have become slightly more intense, and he has made it clear that he is attracted to me.
The thing is, to be honest I'm a bit scared to get involved with him. I do like him, but I am afraid that if we get together he will be using me to get over his ex-girlfriend (they were together for 5 years and living together). He is a really lovely and genuine guy; I don't believe he would use me intentionally, but this doesn't mean that it wouldn't happen nonetheless.
How long do I wait to see if he truly wants to be with me, or is just looking for some reassurance that he can get another girl? Do I wait? Does there have to be a long period after long-term relationships, or if it feels right then is it silly to miss an opportunity? Life's too short and all that?
I have, in the past, had a bad experience dating someone who had just come out of a relationship... (but that is another story, he cheated on her and then broke up with her for me, but never told me about her until much later on...) so I guess I am apprehensive that I am letting myself in for another nasty fall, and I don't like the thought of getting involved once again with someone whose baggage is too recent to handle.
I would appreciate any advice anyone might have
- k0
Comments
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Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,174 Mod ✭✭✭✭Join Date:Posts: 59102
First off take it very very slow. If he's come out of a long termer, he may try to recreate that with you very quickly. He may try to rush into the feelings he had when the previous relationship was good. That's a bad sign as he sees you as a replacement for those feelings not a new person in a new relationship*. If he compares you to her when he's talking to you. That's not a good sign at all. If he's talking about the old relationship any way regularly that's not a good sign. He's nowhere near over it. If his emotions are all over the place in general, that's not good. If within a month or two he's talking about making serious future plans with you, that's another bad sign as it's too early for comfort. Why did they split up? Was it mutual? Could the problems they had be rectified? Is she still in his life? Are they in contact? High frequency of contact is not a good sign. Were there issues of his that split them up or was it "all" her fault(rarely is it takes two usually)? Does he hop from one relationship to the next? very bad sign. He may see you as a transition before he gets serious again with someone. That will only happen when he's put the ex behind him or gets back with her.
At the start a rebound relationship will often be very good. The problem starts when the honeymoon period wears off. In a rebound that usually happens far quicker too. In my experience looking at others relationships and my own I would say any full on relationship that starts within 4/6 months of the ending of a major longtermer has bad odds on lasting. I would say 20% chance, if that. Now some will come along and say they've been successful, but it depends on the age of the two people, how serious the previous one was and how close the exes are. The last one in particular. If the exes have a very strong bond of friendship, the chances are high that they'll re-ignite the feelings after a period of time apart.
*That's probably the biggy. When people try to replace the emotional hole left by the end of the previous relationship, it rarely works. the closer to the split the more likely that is. Some people just can't be alone and that is a very bad sign in a person if you're looking to a future with them. they usually hop from one person to the next. They may settle for someone in the end, even marry them, but from what I've seen they're never quite happy and often they're the ones who look back on one or two people in their past with feelings of loss. Basically they're never happy as they look to others to fill a gap in themselves.Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.
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dubious wrote:People say that it takes you half the time you were with someone to get over them.
I think the problem with this idea is nicely summed up in this cartoon:
http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/useless.jpg It's funny, but it has more than a grain of truth to it.dubious wrote:I am 25 (female); my longest relationship was for 4 years, and I truly believe it took me almost 2 to move on from him completely, and be able to be friends with him.
I don't believe that for a second.
Some people really do get over relationships fast, particularly in cases where the relationship was in a death-spiral for a long time and it was more a matter of realising it's been over for a long time than ending it per se.
Some people take much longer to get over a relationship than your formula would suggest, particular where things were fast and intense but ultimately doomed.dubious wrote:The thing is, to be honest I'm a bit scared to get involved with him. I do like him, but I am afraid that if we get together he will be using me to get over his ex-girlfriend (they were together for 5 years and living together). He is a really lovely and genuine guy; I don't believe he would use me intentionally, but this doesn't mean that it wouldn't happen nonetheless.
"Using" is an overloaded word.
Take away the nuances of one person taking advantage of another that that word has and we all use the people we really love - we gain and benefit from having them in our lives in many different ways. In a healthy relationship this happens in a very reciprocal way and it happens automatically - we don't think "what have you done for me lately?" but we do still gain emotionally, sexually, psychologically and/or practically.
There's something very profound in the way that in Judeo-Christian mythology the first couple were created so that one could be a "helpmeet" for the other.
And think of it the other way around. Imagine a relationship where one person is of no use to the other - didn't do anything practical for them, didn't do anything for them in bed, didn't help them emotionally or support them in bad times. Wouldn't you think that person was a bit of a dead-weight and the relationship was a bad one?
Now. If he had decided consciously to use a fling with you to get his ex out of his system, that might well be a very bad sign indeed. But since you say you're sure that he is not doing that, it's far from a bad thing if you do help him get over any negative shadows of his previous relationships (a lot of effects of bad relationships in particular are best resolved in the context of a good relationship).dubious wrote:How long do I wait to see if he truly wants to be with me, or is just looking for some reassurance that he can get another girl?
Sorry. This is real life, not junior-school algebra. Any lengths of time you hear on this are rubbish. I'm sure there'll be a few replies giving lengths of time. Luckily they'll probably disagree with each other wildly and hopefully not distract you too much.
Let me see, must have been about 3 months after I was out of a nine-year relationship before I got together with my fiancée. She was out of her last relationship for a matter of about one day.
Of course that helped me get over my ex. That doesn't mean it was just that, or that there is nothing else to it. Now we're at a place where it's quite definitely the best relationship I've ever been in.dubious wrote:I have, in the past, had a bad experience dating someone who had just come out of a relationship
I can't tell you that you won't have a bad experience with this guy too. Maybe you will. Maybe it'll be the most disastrous relationship in your life. Maybe you'll embarrass you're grandchildren dancing to old-folk's music from the early 2000s on your 60th wedding anniversary. All worth-while possibilities have risk.0 -
on one hand, i wouldn't rush things, cause 5 years is a long relationship and it sounds like it's going to take him quite some time to get over not having her there beside him. though, also if the relationship was really dead at the end he may not need that long at all, and may be longing to finally feel love with someone else again.
on the other hand, if you wait too long, your oppertunity will be gone. someone else will snatch him up! perhaps mentioning the prospect of you and him and just to leave it hanging untill he felt ready to give it a shot would be good.
but make sure these feelings aren't just you missing the company of a partner yourself, because it would be a shame to spoil a good friendship. good luck!0 -
Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,174 Mod ✭✭✭✭Join Date:Posts: 59102
Talliesin wrote:Some people really do get over relationships fast, particularly in cases where the relationship was in a death-spiral for a long time and it was more a matter of realising it's been over for a long time than ending it per se.Sorry. This is real life, not junior-school algebra. Any lengths of time you hear on this are rubbish. I'm sure there'll be a few replies giving lengths of time. Luckily they'll probably disagree with each other wildly and hopefully not distract you too much.Let me see, must have been about 3 months after I was out of a nine-year relationship before I got together with my fiancée. She was out of her last relationship for a matter of about one day.All worth-while possibilities have risk.Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.
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Wibbs wrote:I would suspect she was "out" of her last relationship for far longer than that though. Same with you.
There are also reasons why other people may need a longer period than the x/2of the OP's algebra.
In all, the x/2 rule is nonsense.0 -
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Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,174 Mod ✭✭✭✭Join Date:Posts: 59102
Talliesin wrote:Very much so. There were reasons why such a short period worked in our case (and also we went into things with each other as it not being a relationship, and it grew into one, which also has its effects).Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.
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Wibbs wrote:...he may try to recreate that with you very quickly. He may try to rush into the feelings he had when the previous relationship was good. That's a bad sign as he sees you as a replacement for those feelings not a new person in a new relationship*.Wibbs wrote:Were there issues of his that split them up or was it "all" her fault(rarely is it takes two usually)?Talliesin wrote:Some people really do get over relationships fast... Some people take much longer to get over a relationship than your formula would suggest, particular where things were fast and intense but ultimately doomed.Talliesin wrote:Now. If he had decided consciously to use a fling with you to get his ex out of his system, that might well be a very bad sign indeed. But since you say you're sure that he is not doing that, it's far from a bad thing if you do help him get over any negative shadows of his previous relationshipssweet-rasmus wrote:on the other hand, if you wait too long, your oppertunity will be gone. someone else will snatch him up! perhaps mentioning the prospect of you and him and just to leave it hanging untill he felt ready to give it a shot would be good.Talliesin wrote:Let me see, must have been about 3 months after I was out of a nine-year relationship before I got together with my fiancée. She was out of her last relationship for a matter of about one day.Talliesin wrote:I can't tell you that you won't have a bad experience with this guy too. Maybe you will. Maybe it'll be the most disastrous relationship in your life. Maybe you'll embarrass you're grandchildren dancing to old-folk's music from the early 2000s on your 60th wedding anniversary. All worth-while possibilities have risk.
-k0 -
There are definite advantages, there are plenty of counter-examples to that too.
My point really is that no particular example is going to necessarily apply, you'll always find plenty of counter-examples.0
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