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I could just kill myself right now..if only it was all that easy!

  • 16-07-2007 1:22am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I'm here in the worst state i've found myself ever! I just wish i could pick up a knife and cut myself, watch the blood drain all the life out of my body or jump from the top of the building, just do anything to end this series of disappointments which i call an excuse for a lifeless life!

    But i know i wont do that. I cant do that. Its not that easy. Firstly i'm pretty sure i'm gonna end up failing at my pathetic attempt of ending this pain and after that failure i'ld never be able to explain anything to this "family" of mine. Secondly i can't do it cuz of this "family" of mine. I'm pretty sure if it wasn't for them i'ld have found my pathetic escape long ago!

    But then is this me? I'm not a loser. I keep fighting, i keep pushing. Till this point. I've been met with disappointment whenever i've tried to achieve something. I've gotten close to it and when i'm almost there, BAM! its all gone and i find myself lying on the ground again. I've been let down so many times by my life that maybe now i feel i should just accept life the way it is and give up on all my dreams. Accept it, its not gonna happen. Its not meant to happen. My life is ****ed and yeah thats how i've gotta live it. Accept my fate. I'm gonna die an unsatisfied lonely old man.

    Or i could continue fighting. Continue pushing this wall to see how strong it is. But whats the point in it?! Everytime i feel like i'm about the conquer it, i find myself fallen face first into the ground. Defeated once again by life. Defeated everytime by my own life. Should i just accept my defeat and give in to the life of submission which i seem to be living anyway...?!

    What have i got right now. A house to live in, a computer to spend my time on, a family that keeps me alive to keep feeling this constant pain, to feel myself slowly die inside?!

    I'm sorry, this seems to be the only place i can let all of this out and maybe be herd by someone. I've been left all alone in this life of mine. Abandoned by everyone. A girlfriend that i had that meant everything to me left me. My friends made little attempts to help me. Wait, how many friends did i have in the first place? about 3?? who were too busy with their own life to bother with a downer like me?!

    So here i am. I've never been this down in my whole life. I've never cried this much since i can remember. I've never felt this much pain, I've never felt this helpless, i've never felt this alone. No one herd my cries, no one gelt my pain. In this life i'm all alone...

    I'm sorry for the size of this post. Never meant it to be this long. But i've got issues. I wanna solve them. I dont know if these issues can ever be solved. I slowly seem to be giving up hope on everything in my life. I'm not anti-social, i'm not a arrogant mean person. Apparently (according to my ex) i'm an amazing/awesome person once someone bothers to take the time to get to know me, get inside me. No one bothers with me. I'm just me. I'm all alone...

    I just need help with sleeping tonite. I wont be able to sleep with all this **** on my mind. Right now i just feel like ending it all. Slashing up myself and let my life pour out of my body. I dont wanna be this. I'm weak and pathetic. I'm really weak. I dont wanna wake up with these thoughts on my mind tomorrow.

    Please can anyone help me with this? Please can anyone give me any hope with my life? Please can anyone help me sleep with even a faint streak of sunshine for me tomorrow??!

    I'm sorry for wasting all this time. I'm sorry for the length of it all. Thanks a lot, thanks a million for reading my pathetic life.

    Thanks.


Comments

  • #2
    Skip Work!
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20 ✭Skip Work!


    Hey,

    Sorry to read you're in such a bad state. However there is some positive in there, you seem to have led a pretty full life up till now. You may feel everything ended in dissapointment but at least you tried and that means something. You've experienced love with friends ans girlfriend in the past, so it will happen again. You feel like you've no one and no one cares but people go through phases like that in their lives. It will pass, don't give up hope, look forward to the future you are going to build for yourself.
    Good luck.


  • #3
    Santa Claus
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,699 ✭✭✭Santa Claus


    Have you talked to a medical professional about how you feel ?

    At the very least I would ring the aware helpline or the samaritans....talkingto someone on the other end of the phone can help (I'm guessing you haven't told your family any of this as you don't want to worry them so talking to an anonymous person at the other end of the phone can be a great release).

    The numbers are :
    Aware 1890 303 302
    Samaritans 1850-609090


  • #4
    Drift
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,395 ✭✭✭Drift


    LosingHope wrote:
    i've got issues. I wanna solve them.
    LosingHope wrote:
    I dont wanna wake up with these thoughts on my mind tomorrow.

    I see these as the two key points in your post OP. You clearly want to work on your life and make it better. These are the signs of a strong person who will be ok in the end.

    It seems to me that your main problem is you're not sure where to start with making these changes. Like the previous poster said you can ring the samaritans or aware or if you want to jump in and really get things moving you might confide in someone in person. There are a few ways of going about this, you can confide in a member of family or a friend, or you can visit any GP and explain your feelings and ask for a referal ot a counsellor, if you are a college student you can visit the counsellors at your college, or you can book a counsellor yourself (Pieta House in Dublin deals solely with people contemplating suicide), or you can contact your local priest or religious leader (even if you're not religious, they generally will not judge). There are a lot of links to help you in the charter .... click on the link in my signature to go there.

    You can get advice and help from us on the boards but there are people much more qualified and better at it - I think if you contact one or some of these people it will really help. You mention fighting and pushing the wall - from what I read in your post all you need is a little backup in this fight or a second row in the scrum pushing the wall .... hang in there OP and don't be afraid to ask others for a little help when you need it. You will win the battle and in a shorter time than you think :)


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