How much time to you get to spend with your child?

BoozyBabe

Hi all,

1st time posting on this forum, well, because I'm not a parent!!

Anyway, as the years creep up on me, I'm starting to think more & more child-centrally & would love to start my family in the next couple of years.

BUT, this has got me think of something else:- I work in IT. I leave home at 7.30 in the morning, & return shortly after 6 in the evening.

So, say in 5 - 10 years time this is still the case it would mean the following.
6:- collect children
6.15:- prepare, eat, wash dinner
7:15:- homework
8, or 8.15:- quality / TV or whatever time.
8.30 or 8.45:- childrens bed time.

I mean, What!!!!!! a max of about 45 mins to spend with your child per day, if NO tv is on in the house, if visitors don't call etc.

What's the point?

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking those of you who have no choice, but what's the point in having children if that's all the amount of time to have to spend with them.

Then, there's when they're sick, you've to ship them off somewhere anywhere, during their summer hols, they've to get up early anyway to go to the babysitters, etc......

How do you manage? Am I wrong here in my thinking? I can't see how you'd fit in more time with them.

So, because of this, & other reasons, I've decided to pack in my IT career & retrain to be a primary teacher. I mean, it's something I've wanted to do for a very long time, but I was IT trained & didn't have Irish so I just lived with the fact that it would never be, but now I see an incentive & I'm going for it head 1st.

I wouldn't have to leave home until 8.30 at the earliest, I'd be home at 4, the latest, homework would be done as soon as they came home from school, then there'd be some time before dinner, & then they'd be completely free after dinner to play with their father. Then, when they go to bed I can get on with correcting, planning for the next day etc. When they'd be on hols, so would I, so they'd have the luxury of being able to stay in their own home, around their own neighbours, not getting up until they wanted & being allowed to stay up that little bit later.

I know I sound very silly, & a lot of you reading are prob thinking, 'we'll see how much time she spends with them when she actually has them', but, myself & my partner strongly believe in quality time with the children, so it will be a priority.

Re-educating myself is a nightmare right now, but it's one I'm willing to put up with, as I know it'll be worth it in the end.

& as I said, it's not the only reason for the change, but it is a big push factor. So don't worry, my future pupils won't suffer cos teacher's only there for the hols!!!!

So, if there's any teachers reading, do you find you've plenty of time for your children?
For those of you who are not teachers, how do you maximise your time with your children, or do you not feel your time is limited at all?

I'm very curious, & again, I mean no offence to anyone.

Thanks,
BB

embee

Hi BoozyBabe,

I just wanted to say one thing here - quality is better than quantity when it comes to spending time with your kids. There are very few parents these days who can afford to spend a lot of time with their children, but the important thing is that you make the absolute most of what time you can spend with them. I spend all day, every day with my daughter, but I am on Social Welfare. I have very little money but I'm lucky in that I can spend a lot of time with her. Her Dad doesn't see nearly as much of her as I do as we don't live together, but her relationship with him is just as strong as her relationship with me, because their time together is pure "quality" time. In a way, she has "better" fun with him because she's with me all day, every day, and a lot of the time we are just doing the mundane daily tasks of life - cooking, shopping, cleaning, whereas when she's with her Dad its fun fun fun.

Anyways - there are ways and means around everything. Some people choose to switch to part time work after having a child. Parental leave is available (a lot of people will take one day off per week as Parental Leave, leaving them with a full day to spend with their kids). There are job sharing arrangements. Also, most people don't work weekends.... it really isn't a question that you'd ONLY have 45 minutes per day with your kids.

I'm going to college in September too, so I'll see less of my daughter than I do now, but I don't think she'll suffer in any way. I think its important that children don't get too attached to one person to the exclusion of all others. They need to mix with other children and other grown ups (obviously in a safe environment).

Anyways, re-training as a primary teacher is a good step as its a very family friendly job, but you're still going to have times when your work is going to take you away from your kids, even outside of school hours. My aunt is a primary school teacher and there are a lot of courses she has to go on, seminars she has had to attend etc. Then you are doing reports, class planning.... your job goes home with you a LOT and you need to take that into account. You could end up spending all day teaching, come home, cook dinner, clean, bathe kids, get them to bed, then start on a mountain of correcting, reports, class plannings....

As a parent, you end up sacrificing yourself to a certain degree. No one can have it all. I often times find myself wondering what I used to do with all my acres of free time before I had Rhiannon - and this is from someone who doesn't work anymore!!

Good luck though - it will work out for you. People the world over find a way to make it work.

littlebug

Hi Boozybabe,

I'm not a teacher so I can't answer from that perspective. I went back to work to work (nearly) full time after my first. I didn't work at all for a year after my second and now I've settled on working part time from home which i've found is the best option of the 3 and I know I'm very very lucky to be able to do that. After my first I found working full time incredibly difficult and stressful. Not only was the quantity of time I had with my child short but it wasn't good quality time either because I was just so stressed all the time. I was trying to squeeze in so much in those couple of hours in the evening and then weekends were spent catching up with housework, washing and shopping etc. Now, that said, my first child was premature, had really bad reflux, was sick an awful lot and was a terrible terrible sleeper! Add a not very nice (as it turned out) childminder, buying and moving house among many other things to the pot and there's a hell of a lot of stress!
I do however sit back and admire people who can handle work and family easily as I was a complete mess when I tried it! I was only able to make a half arsed attempt at being a mother and at work. Good at neither:(

Now my 2 go to a childminder from 9.30- 12.30 so I can go on boards ... oops I mean work then they're home by lunchtime and all is perfect and stress free! I also work some evenings and weekends and hubby takes over the childcare then.

I think good childcare and support are the key. Do you have family close by? Does your partner have any flexibility in his work? I think these things would really be key e.g if you child is sick for a fortnight... can you really take a fortnight off work? The shorter hours you would work as a teacher would definitely ease the pressure but there are still lots of things to think about.

I imagine it all changes and gets easier as they get bigger and are at school for longer. Correct me if I am wrong other mothers.
Anyway fair play on the career change and good luck.

NextSteps

I always wonder what it's like staying at home with kids full time. I'm hoping to have kids in the next few years and this would (finances permitting) be one of the options. At the same time I don't know if I could do it. Questions occur to me, like:
* is it boring? Do you miss the social and intellectual stimulation of (paid) work?
* do you end up doing all the house/baby work and resenting the man who swans in at 6pm?

An is it possible to work from home (I'm an editor) while minding kids? I know it is theoretically, but in practice...?

BoozyBabe

Embee:- Thanks for taking time to reply. I really understand what you mean about quality over quantity, & I definitely agree, & for some they have no choice but to make the most of their limited time

LittleBug:- Thankyou very much for replying also. You hit on points that I was thinking, which answer some of Embee’s points.

When people work long hours, they are often stressed when they get home, then add to that the making of dinner, washing clothes etc, fighting with a tired child to do their homework, get them bathed & ready for bed etc, how much real quality time can you actually fit in!!!

& I know Sat & sun’s are free, but as LittleBug said, the majority of this is spent on the housework, shopping, visiting relatives, etc, etc.

I realise that even with teaching there is a lot more involved than just 9-3 in the classroom, but the thing is, you can work your career around your child, & not the other way about. I’d be very happy doing the rest of my work from 8.30 til 11 at night, whereas, at the minute, I can’t be home before six regardless & I’ve to be away at 7.30

& LittleBug:- my family would be over 30mins drive away, not an option, my partner is not in any way flexible with his working hours. In fact, at times they can be worse than mine, but that’s not really the issue anyway, I just want to be able to allow my child to be in their own home as much as possible

Plus, there was a report on the telly last night about a study that was done which suggests that children benefit greatly by spending more time with their parents, than they do in childcare.

Again, I really hate the tone of my mails, I feel that I might be sounding condescending towards those who are in the position I’m trying to stay away from. I really don’t mean any offence. You are the norm, with the cost of living these days, both partners have to work, so time with children is limited, I really understand that, & that’s where Embees making the absolute most out of the little time you’ve got, comes into it.

But, I want to make sure I do the absolute best I can for my future children, & right now I think that is to get out of this career & into one with more child friendly hours.

Thanks for your input

Nevyn

UB wrote:

* is it boring? Do you miss the social and intellectual stimulation of (paid) work?

Yes, thankfully boards helped me keep my sanity.

UB wrote:

* do you end up doing all the house/baby work and resenting the man who swans in at 6pm?

Yes, the house and the children became mine by default even when he is home.
:mad:

UB wrote:

An is it possible to work from home (I'm an editor) while minding kids? I know it is theoretically, but in practice...?

It may be possible for you in your field it depends on the work and it depends on how accommodating you employer is. I have tried several time to find work
do to at home which was not stuffling enevlopes esp with my children being in school and found that really other then that type of work or childminding or tarot or sex lines there wasn't any real options.

littlebug

* is it boring? Do you miss the social and intellectual stimulation of (paid) work?

yes, as time went on especially. 1 year was my limit.

* do you end up doing all the house/baby work and resenting the man who swans in at 6pm?

Yes I definitely do more of the housework just by default as I'm here all the time but as soon as he is home the kids are his (Their choice!) and I enjoy the peace and quiet to get on with other stuff, or nothing. He agrees that my morning paid work plus 2 demanding kids for the rest of the day is equal to his job.

An is it possible to work from home (I'm an editor) while minding kids? I know it is theoretically, but in practice...?

[/QUOTE]

If it is theoretically possible in your field of work then yes it is possible. I gave it a 3 month trial run before deciding on morning childcare because I found I was working late at night every night and there is a limit on how much of that I could do.

I agree that the work from home options are very very limited if you haven't got that flexibility from your own workplace.

littlebug

Thaedydal wrote:

I have tried several time to find work
do to at home which was not stuffling enevlopes esp with my children being in school and found that really other then that type of work or childminding or tarot or sex lines there wasn't any real options.

Thaedydal did you look into any of the virtual assistant stuff like www.mypa.ie I was just starting to look at this but then I got lucky with my old job so I don't know how successful or otherwise it is but it might be worth looking into if you are still looking out for stuff.

i did the whole mystery shopping thing.. pocket money tbh..

The Hill Billy

In reply to your original question - I leave home at 6 in the morning & usually get back home by 6 in the evening. That gives me two hours with my boys (HB Jr I 4.5 years & HB Jr II 6 months) before they go to bed.

That time is spent as follows:
In the door, hugs, kisses & half an hour talk about what happened during their day while I dish up what Mrs Billy prepared for dinner (so she can sit down for the first time that day).
6:30 to 7:15 Eat dinner & cajole HB Jr I to stop messing with his food & just bloody-well eat it.
7:15 to 8:00 Snuggle on sofa, read story & more hugs.

Saturday & Sunday I'm with them from when they wake up through to bedtime (apart from an hour midday for a lunchtime pint & read of the paper).
That time is mostly spend working/playing in the garden (weather permitting) or cooking. (HB Jr I is the quickest garlic peeler in Fingal!)

As for chores...
Mid-week, Mrs Billy (a stay-at-home-Mom) tries to leave all non-essential housework until the evening so that she can spend as much time with the boys as possible. (Unfortunately that mean yours truly gets to enjoy the laundry-sorting & ironing, etc. in the evenings after the boys go down.)

Any shopping to be done at the weekends now - we try to make it into a bit of an outing by going to farmers' markets.

hshortt

I'm a parent in IT who would also love to be a teacher. Snap on that one anyway. But I've done nothing about changing my career. I'm long enough at it to have flexibility in arriving/leaving working from home so I can spend a good portion of time with my kids. My wife is at home all the time ad really needs a break when I come in. Kids are demanding all the time and it's very important that you also make time for yourself. The older they get the less demanding they become (or so I've been led to believe!)

There was a program on RTE recently about people commuting crazy distances to work and trying to maintain/sustain family time, it appeared very difficult.

I consider myself lucky to live close to work, have an understanding wife and reasonably good kids! My son is 6 and can be a real handful at times.

Best of luck in your new adventure and I'd be interested to hear how you get on as a teacher.

Cheerio
Howard

iguana

My husband and I would both really love to have a baby soon. We talk about it a lot and are always discussing baby names and what it will be like. But we both think having a parent at home with the kids is important and are working toward a point where we can afford to be comfortable on one salary. We think in two years we should have our mortgage low enough to manage it.

Though that has it's own risks as I'll be 30 and while that isn't that old my fertility may have reduced by then and conception could be more difficult. It will certainly limit our options for how many children we have, I think I'd like 4. Though I've just done the math and my nana was a few months off 30 when she had the 1st of her 10 children.:eek:

I think having the freedom not to work also gives extended families more time with the children. Unless granny is the child-minder how often are parents of full-time working parents going to see their grand-children? I remember my mum would often meet my grandmother in town to go shopping during the day and we would go with her. Or my mum would collect us from school and take us to my dad's parents where my dad would meet us after he finished work. I think kids benefit nearly as much from time with their extended family as they do from time with their parents. And I can't imagine having the time or energy to regularly visit family or have my house tidy enough for them to visit if I was working.

However I consider myself extremely lucky to even have a plan that might allow me to be home full-time. And I'm so angry that the economy has been brought to a point where two incomes are now necessary to service a mortgage. As while there are lots of women who would choose to work regardless of financial necessity there are 1000's who would prefer to raise their children themselves.

Trinity

I got a job 3 days a week working shift when my son was a few months old, so i would either have all morning with him or all evening. My mother was minding him but it didnt work out.

I put him into creche when he was one and it almost killed me

When he started school i was still working full time so i had him in creche in the afternoons and it was the worst period of my life. I had to pick him up from school and literally run to the creche with him. Everyday he cried and i cried and it was emotionally draining.

I went part time after that and it was fantastic!! He has to go to school anyway but once i pick him up thats it, we are together til the next morning.

I spend all my weekends with him except the odd friday night he spends with my parents but i dont drop him down til 8pm and pick him up at 11am the next day.

I am on term time from work meaning i am off for the summer but Since the summer hols started we have been together 24/7 but i have to say that is pretty stressful too!!

Crea

I left work when my son was 2 and 6 weeks after returning from materninty leave when my daughter was born. I can never imagine returning before they are full time in school and then it would have to fit into term time.
I have never ever wished I was back at work. Some days can be a chore but in the main I love it. Watching my daughter in her 1st 2 years just brings home how much I missed with my son. I get out with the kids meeting up with friends so i'm not missing out on social stimulation. Mental stimulation? I find trying to entertain 2 children under 3.5yrs more challenging than my job ever was;)
Do I resent my husband? Sometimes and at the moment alot of the time cause he's working all hours. But when I worked he didn't pull his weight in the house so I ended up working and doing the majority of the housework. I make sure he does the bedtime routine so i'm off duty from around 8pm.
The economy is pushing both parents into the work place whether they like it or not. Most months our heads are just above water financially but it's worth it.

abi2007

I got pregnant during college and had my daughter in july, I returned the following september to complete my degree. So I didn't get to see her to much as i was doing my finals. When i finished college I decided to stay at home and take care of her. I lasted about six months. I was so lonely. So i went back to work full time. I loved my job but it required so much over time and i was missing my daughter. I did that for a year and i really regret it. I'm now part time. I work monday to friday from one to six. my daughter is in crech from one. She loves it. I get to do all the fun things in the morning and its great no rushing. Then i get my adult time and i'm home in time for dinner more playing and bed time. I've finally found a happy medium for myself and my daughter.

Ger4

Well, odd though it seems, the thought of having children at a later stage in life is what primarily prompted me to opt for Primary teaching at the age of eighteen. People thought I was "daft" to be "wasting my points", but generally I don't regret it for a second. The lack of promotional opportunities is the one drawback and there is no real financial (or otherwise) incentive for further study, either. However, I do spend lots of time with my children; the year ends in June, a new one starts in September, and the time in between is "spend it as you choose" time. I also enjoy working with children, but you need lots of patience, optimisim and a sense of humour. I couldn't see myself in any other job, really, and the fact that I enjoy a job which allows me to give my children a "normal" (in the old-fashioned sense of the word!) childhood, is an undoubted bonus. Good luck with your choice!
G.

BoozyBabe wrote:

Hi all,

1st time posting on this forum, well, because I'm not a parent!!

Anyway, as the years creep up on me, I'm starting to think more & more child-centrally & would love to start my family in the next couple of years.

BUT, this has got me think of something else:- I work in IT. I leave home at 7.30 in the morning, & return shortly after 6 in the evening.

So, say in 5 - 10 years time this is still the case it would mean the following.
6:- collect children
6.15:- prepare, eat, wash dinner
7:15:- homework
8, or 8.15:- quality / TV or whatever time.
8.30 or 8.45:- childrens bed time.

I mean, What!!!!!! a max of about 45 mins to spend with your child per day, if NO tv is on in the house, if visitors don't call etc.

What's the point?

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking those of you who have no choice, but what's the point in having children if that's all the amount of time to have to spend with them.

Then, there's when they're sick, you've to ship them off somewhere anywhere, during their summer hols, they've to get up early anyway to go to the babysitters, etc......

How do you manage? Am I wrong here in my thinking? I can't see how you'd fit in more time with them.

So, because of this, & other reasons, I've decided to pack in my IT career & retrain to be a primary teacher. I mean, it's something I've wanted to do for a very long time, but I was IT trained & didn't have Irish so I just lived with the fact that it would never be, but now I see an incentive & I'm going for it head 1st.

I wouldn't have to leave home until 8.30 at the earliest, I'd be home at 4, the latest, homework would be done as soon as they came home from school, then there'd be some time before dinner, & then they'd be completely free after dinner to play with their father. Then, when they go to bed I can get on with correcting, planning for the next day etc. When they'd be on hols, so would I, so they'd have the luxury of being able to stay in their own home, around their own neighbours, not getting up until they wanted & being allowed to stay up that little bit later.

I know I sound very silly, & a lot of you reading are prob thinking, 'we'll see how much time she spends with them when she actually has them', but, myself & my partner strongly believe in quality time with the children, so it will be a priority.

Re-educating myself is a nightmare right now, but it's one I'm willing to put up with, as I know it'll be worth it in the end.

& as I said, it's not the only reason for the change, but it is a big push factor. So don't worry, my future pupils won't suffer cos teacher's only there for the hols!!!!

So, if there's any teachers reading, do you find you've plenty of time for your children?
For those of you who are not teachers, how do you maximise your time with your children, or do you not feel your time is limited at all?

I'm very curious, & again, I mean no offence to anyone.

Thanks,
BB

silverharp

I think we have found a good balance, Wife works part time from home (IT related), I have now changed jobs and work local so can see junior at lunchtime and am only out of the house for 7 hrs a day, Have taken a slight cut in salary but with no commuting costs have managed to get down to 1 car. I like the fact that I get to pick him up from the childminders every lunchtime, so get to hear first hand what he has been up to every day.
As far as I am concerned I have less interest in “having it all” , I generate more memories on a weekly basis with my son then trying to remember what I did in work in the previous year so I have set my priorities accordingly.

deisemum

My family members that are teachers find teaching a great choice of career when it comes to spending time with their families. Any planning that's done is covered by planning days and homework is corrected while the class are doing other work. They don't bring work home.

When my older boy was born in UK nearly 12 years ago I had 6 months maternity leave and worked flexi-time so did a 9 day fortnight plus between annual leave that had built up while I was on maternity leave and several bank holidays due to the time of year I returned to work my son was over a year before I did a full week. When he was 16 months we returned to Ireland after getting voluntary redundancy which helped big time and I got pregnant straight off so didn't work outside the home until the younger lad was almost 3.

Since then I work as a childminder and can see the stress some parents are under trying to balance everything. Most of the parents have changed their working arrangements to part-time and then increasing their hours once their children go to school.

I found as a stay at home parent once I got to meet other parents at mum and baby/toddler groups I made friends with a number of them and we'd regularly visit each others homes and both mum and baby/child socialised and didn't feel isolated. We'd regularly organise our days to include visiting, outings etc. Of course there were days when my toddler would have tried the patience of a saint and I'd have given anything to have gone back to work for a rest but everyone has their challenging days at work too.

Good luck with your teacher training. I've often considered going back and training to be a teacher but I think at my age by the time I'd qualify I'd be a bit of an auld one.

BoozyBabe

Thanks everyone for replying & making this a very interesting thread.
Much appreciated. It's great hearing all the different stories.

But in particular Deisemum:- If you really think you'd like teaching, then go for it. You're never too old
Advice given to me by numorous people is that age can work to our advantage as we can bring SO much life experiences to the classroom which fresh out of mainstream education teachers can't.

All going really well, I'll be 30 when I'm qualified, or possibly 31, 13-14 years after my leaving.

I've put it off a long time, because I was too old, was qualified in a different area, relearning Irish would be impossible, etc, etc, etc.
But, I knew it was what I wanted so I've bit the bullet & am going for it.

I believe strongly in never looking back on my life & wondering 'what if'
Atleast if I try this I'll know.

You may not feel that strongly about it, & if that's the case not pursuing it is fine, but if the age thing is the only thing stopping you from following your dream, then go for it, all guns blazing.

Thanks again

Ickle Magoo

It's a really hard one. I am a SAHM, I get very bored & frustrated with the daily drudgery that feeding, changing, cleaning up after, etc, etc my smallies 24/7 & yes, I sometimes resent giving up my career to do so & I sometimes hate that my husband can stroll off & sit in a nice quiet office & have a lunch hr & toilet breaks, etc, but then there are other times when I think I'm very lucky too - then you have my sister who works & studies & feels terrible that she doesn't spend more time with her kids & is always saying how she wishes she were me, yet I'm jealous of the mental stimulation, self-sufficiency & social interaction she has. It's a bit of a no-win situation sometimes. I intend to put my two into creche for a couple of mornings a wk when they are a bit older and work or start studying & try to get the best of both worlds.

Ickle Magoo

sorry multiple post :-\

deisemum

I'd be hitting 50 when I'd qualify and I don't fancy working too long past 50. Don't you have to train in Limerick or Dublin?

As my own children are 11 and 9 it wouldn't be very practical. It is something I've considered but it ain't a burning ambition. I've spent the last 12 years looking after children, both my own and others and I think by the time I'm 50'ish maybe 55 max I'll have had enough of children by then. No offence to children because I do actually like them and enjoy working with them but it would be nice to be able to go to the toilet or have a cup of tea without being disturbed. LOL

I think ickle magoo has given a good insight into being a sahm. There are those who think sahm's spend a lot of time sitting in front of the telly, drinking coffee and painting their nails and have the life of riley. Some also expect your home to be spotless since you're at home all day. Thing is if there are little ones in your home during the day they keep untidying what you've tidied. I've got a magnet on my fridge that states, cleaning the house when kids are growing is like shovelling snow when it's still snowing.
I actually found it easier and less stressful to go out to work than be a sahm but circumstances influenced my decision to stay at home for a while.