Why do my Childminders always leave?

LegacyUser

Thismay not seem like an important issue or problem to some people, but to me it's very important to find why all the Au Pairs I've had in the past 5 months always left after about 2 weeks.

But let me start at the beginning:

Fulltime working single Mom with no family in this coutry therefore completely and utterly depending on Au Pairs. We've had 3 this summer and each and every one of them left after 2 weeks with more or less good excuses. One said she was homesick, bored and didn't like older children.
The next one left after she decided that she didn't like the way I raise my children (She was under the impression that I should be more strict and give them a slap when they're naughty..I totally detest the idea of using violence with children)

Anyway, the last one left on Friday claiming to have a family emergency so I brought her to the Airport, saw her off and called her that night to find out if she got home ok. She hung up on me after telling me I'm to nice for my own good.


Now I'm wondering if I should just stop trying to be friends with these girls and really start treating them like employees rather than part of the family because it breaks my heart everytime and I just can't see the reason they're going.

Sorry again if my problem seems trivial to anyone but I just need to find a way of either changing my approach or upping my skills in picking the right one.

Thanks

Nevyn

First off Au Pairs are not childminders.
They are not ment to be employeed a child minders or nannys and they are not ment to be expected normally to mind children for 40 hours aweek.

they are ment ot be treated like a family member if you are having such isues I would suggest that you contact the agency who put you in touch with the au pairs.

dodgyme

WorriedMom wrote:

them a slap ...I totally detest the idea of using violence with children

Big difference between giving them a slap and calling it violence. Relax the cats like.

PeakOutput

2 out of the 3 told you that you are too easy on the kids.............

why do you need to ask what the problem is?

mikemac

While you didn't reveal how many children you have or their ages, you do say they are "older". Early teens perhaps?

Is it possible that your children are disobeying the au pair and making their lives difficult? Nonone needs that kind of stress.

Of course, you may well reply that your children are innocent angels but if you are working full-time you are not there to see what happens.

LegacyUser

yes, I am well aware that Au Pairs are not childminders. I treat them like part of my family, don't expect them to do any household chores as I believe them to be only responsible for the kids (they are 9 and 11 years old and generally well behaved)

To me slapping a child IS violence as I think you should treat everyone around you the way you want to be treated yourself and beleive you me: I do not want to be slapped if I made a mistake or behaved out of line. My idea of raising kids is to sit them down, talk to them and if necessary ground them or forbid TV or sweets for a week. However I was told by the Au Pairs that I was being too soft. How? And is this alone reason to leave?

I mean afterall I tried everything to make them feel at home, took them with us to the moves (and paid), inviting them to the restaurants and offered them to take part in every activity we did...like a 3rd child really so it's a mystery to me what I am doing wrong.

Yes,I have to admit I work long hours but I'm the only one who pays the bills so it has to be done, but they never had to work after 6pm or the weekends and if they did I paid extra.

As I was saying, it may be trivial to you, but i really don't understand why they felt they had to leave and even make up lies to go home.

biko

I was thinking that too. What are the kids like?

barrett1965

It can't be good for the children with all the coming and goings with the Au Pairs, regardless of the reasons for leaving their positions. I don't mean any offence by saying that.

lizzyvera

You're having a run of bad luck, most likely. Make sure they get involved in local english classes and stuff and meet people. I had 13 au pairs rowing up and I loved all of them, still wrote to them, and learnt lots from them.

LegacyUser

Hey WorriedMom, I was a nanny in the US a while back and so I know what it is like to be one and it wasn't an easy job.
I think the main problem though is that before you go anywhere as an aupair most girls have this really rosey view of what it is like and they imagine themselves having a great time in a foreign country and when they actually realise that there is work involved they run back home to Mommy and Daddy. They probably think that they will have a great time here and mind kids for a few hours and that's it. I think when they said that you were too nice they might have ment that they felt that you were too nice was a round about way of saying they felt that they were being 'too' included in the family etc and didn't feel they could do their own things after hours etc.
My tips would be to have a semi professional relationship with them.
Firstly explain how you want to raise your children and the rules in your house. They don't have to agree but if they want to work there then those are the rules. Secondly explain to them the hours etc in advance that they are sure they know what they are letting themselves in for and thirdly I would say just tell them that if your going somewhere they are welcome to come along if they like.
Explain the house rules regarding drinking and having boyfriends over etc.
If you keep a litte bit of distance discussing problems will be easier for both parties.
I don't think there is anything wrong with you or your children, you have just unfortunately met some people who just haven't been compatible with your views and your lifestyle.
Make sure that you have a good long chat with the Aupair on the phone before she comes over and that you explain exactly what you need. Therefore no wasted time on both parts. Good luck :-)

Canis Lupus

Your kids may be complete cnuts behind your back as well... Personally I was whacked as a kid and I reckon it's made me a decent person. For all the kids I've seen whose parents don't smack them they tend to be little baxtards and I'm including my some of my own nieces and nephews in this.

Nevyn

WorriedMom do you have a way of disciplining your children and did you explain it to those who you are leaving in charge of them ?

MagicMarker

If the au pairs are telling you that you're too soft on the kids then that screams to me that your kids turn in to little fúckers when you're not home.

Instead of asking us why not contact the previous au pairs and ask them for specific reasons why they left and then take it from there.

jimmycrackcorm

Make sure to get an Au Pair with previous experience.

paulie.walnuts

A couple of slaps from your mother or father when you're young and up to no good does absolutely no harm for goodness sake. The little monsters are invariably the ones who's parents are never around, feel guilty about it and don't discipline them and give them ps3's etc. The world has got way too politically correct, calling giving a child a slap violence is totally over the top.
The OP may not want to hear this but i am just being honest.
Good luck with your next au pair and I hope things work out as i am sure it's very stressful to have this problem.

seahorse

MagicMarker wrote:

If the au pairs are telling you that you're too soft on the kids then that screams to me that your kids turn in to little fúckers when you're not home.

I'm sorry OP and I'm not trying to be rude or hurtful, but this was exactly the thought that came into my head halfway through reading your very first post. I'm not advocating slapping children, I have mixed feelings on the subject, but I have noticed many many times that the kids who run amok are invariably the ones who know that they will never have to fear a good hard clatter in the arse!

I think you'd be better off employing a registered childminder rather than an au pair, and giving that childminder free reign to punish the children re withdrawal of privileges etc, and you'd be better off keeping your mouth shut to the woman when the kids go whinging back to you (as they invariably will) maintaining that they didn’t deserve their punishment.

swiss

MagicMarker wrote:

If the au pairs are telling you that you're too soft on the kids then that screams to me that your kids turn in to little fúckers when you're not home.

I suspect this is the case too.

OP, I would say there is a line between discipline and violence and it is okay to discipline your child. There is a debate around slapping children which isn't what this thread is about but I would suggest that as long as you don't cross the line between slapping to discipline and slapping to vent anger then it is perfectly acceptable IMO.

However there is a chance that your kids are darlings and its the au pairs who have unrealistic expectations. Try to get some honest feedback from your peers, e.g. neighbours who may have minded the kids for you in the past, friends etc as to the behaviour of your kids when you are not there.

Other than that, as has already been suggested, have a good talk with prospective au pairs before they come over. Make sure they know exactly what the deal is before they high tail it after a few weeks.

LegacyUser

'

swiss wrote:

I suspect this is the case too.

OP, I would say there is a line between discipline and violence and it is okay to discipline your child. There is a debate around slapping children which isn't what this thread is about but I would suggest that as long as you don't cross the line between slapping to discipline and slapping to vent anger then it is perfectly acceptable IMO.

However there is a chance that your kids are darlings and its the au pairs who have unrealistic expectations. Try to get some honest feedback from your peers, e.g. neighbours who may have minded the kids for you in the past, friends etc as to the behaviour of your kids when you are not there.

Other than that, as has already been suggested, have a good talk with prospective au pairs before they come over. Make sure they know exactly what the deal is before they high tail it after a few weeks.

I've tried answering to all the post before but I reckon because I didn't register my reply didn't make it thru passport control So here goes my second try:


I am well aware that there's a difference between child minder and Au Pair so I know beforehand that there can be problems or the kid can get too much.

My kids are 9 and 11 years old and usually well behaved. Yes there are the odd times when they fight like cats or don't do as they're told but I beleive that kids have to disobey every once in a while otherwise you'd call the grown ups.

I don't beleive in slapping my children as I treat them exactely the way I would want to be treated and that does not include being hit, slapped or screamed at. I sit my kids down at the table, talk things over with them, have them apologize and they then either get grounded or aren't allowe dto watch telly for a week and it works for me because I know as a fact, that they do not behave like "little ****ers" behind my back.

For some reason I'm starting to think that maybe we integrate the girls into our family seems to be the problem. I treat them like part of our family with all right and duties and for some reason the duties part seems to not work.

I suppose I will have to ask myself if having an Au Pair is the right thing for us,

Thanks again for all your replies, very helpful indeed.'

luckat

WorriedMom - First, I completely agree with you about slapping.

Second, you know there's a Parenting forum here - go to Soc/Parenting. I suspect that you'll get more informed and less opinionated advice there than in Personal Issues.

Third, the actual problem. If the au pairs are leaving within a fortnight, it's because they're not happy, and if they're not happy it's because they're homesick, or because they don't like dealing with your kids.

How do other people regard your kids? As nice, well-behaved youngsters, or as wild brats?

(I'm not trying to make you think your kids are bad, just to get some perspective on what the problem may be.)

If the kids *are* growing up wild, there are other methods than slapping or punishment that will turn them into well-adjusted, pleasant people. You only have to watch that RTE programme where the psychologist uses positive reinforcement to turn disturbed families into happy families to see that.

axer

WorriedMom wrote:

I know as a fact, that they do not behave like "little ****ers" behind my back.

Im not being smart but how do you know they are not acting up when you are gone?

Awayindahils

I had childminders from the age of about 2 up to 12. For most of this time we had irish childminders who viewed it as a full time job and were far better at getting us (me and my sister) to come onside and not act the mick. With au pairs its alot harder. the language barrier is an issue. Often times when they would leave we were told it was because they wanted to be at home wih the mother and learning english from her and they were interested only in babies as they saw it as easier.

There were au pairs in my house when i was under the age of 5 and it worked fine. they loved eing around ym sister who was a baby and it was generally ok. However when our long term childminder elft when I was 10 all hell broke lose in terms of childminders. We had 5 in 6 months and Irish girl minded us for the summer and 2 au pairs the following school year. The problem in the end for the au pairs was the lack of contact with my parents who worked full time and for the Irish girls that they felt too much was being expected of them. my mum totally gave up after I finished 6th class, and my sister finished 5th. Full time summer camps as in 8-5 type things became the norm and then we did after school study during the year.

Anyway sometimes you just have cycles of good luck. Second I used to test out the child minders as such to see how I thought they'd do in the first few weeks. A little bit bolder than suual a little bit cheekier. Kids are vicious and its letting someone new into your house which is difficult on you but also very difficult for them, epecially as au pairs are expected to become part of the family.

LegacyUser

axer wrote:

Im not being smart but how do you know they are not acting up when you are gone?

well, we had Au Pairs before and they never complained and most of them stayed up to 9 months plus they alsoways told me when the kids were behaving bad.

Oh, I have now finally found out what the last one left:

she wanted to go to a party in her home town in Germany (even though she told me her granddad is in a coma in hospital and that was here reason before)

Am I the only one to think that this is so wrong? How can "abandon" us for a party?

thanks

finbarrk

More than likely the kids act up when you are away and the au pair cant handle them, thats what she probarbly meant when she said you were too nice for your own good, meaning too nice to the kids.

vorbis

My gf is an au pair over here in Boston. A big thing for her is being too integrated with the family. I know you mean well WorriedMom but my gf really dislikes the idea of being treated as one of the family! She does a good job and gets on well with the kids but likes to have a distinction between work and free time.

She obviously knows that she isn't family and is ok with that. Involving the au pair in everything will make her feel like she is always working. My advice for the next au pair is to set a clear schedule and leave the au pair decide how involved she wants to be in activities outside work hours.

sodrisc

Having au paired myself, I can pretty much guarantee that the au pairs are not coming to Ireland because they love children so much. They're here to learn English without it costing them a fortune.

They have their own families at home and would much prefer to be out at night with their friends or reading a book in their bedroom than going to the cinema with you, especially if your children treat them like their own personal members of staff. I experienced children treating me like their own little slave and using foul language to me - calling me a whore etc. Upon complaining to the parents I was told that this was impossible as their children a) didn't know that kind of bad language and b) they had never heard their children being rude to me...Duh - as if they're going to do it in front of their parents.

Throw in the fact that they are frequently not that fluent in English and the fact that it's extremely difficult for a young girl to approach a confident older woman if there are any aspects of her job she's not sure about/unhappy with and I can see why they leave rather than cause a row. Lots of foreign girls have not had part time jobs in shops/supermarkets like young Irish people are used to doing and so are not used to negotiating with an employer. If you want to continue using au pairs I would suggest the following. Upon arrival, make it very clear what the hours of work are, along with the duties, and try to stick firmly to them. Always pay them on time so that they are never put in the awkward position of having to ask you for their money. Sit them down with your children at the beginning and make it very clear to them that when you are not around the au pair is the boss and must be treated with respect by them.

I am not trying to criticise you as I'm sure you've been trying your best - just trying to help you understand the situation from the au pair's position (worst job of my life!)

StormWarrior

WorriedMom wrote:

I mean afterall I tried everything to make them feel at home, took them with us to the moves (and paid), inviting them to the restaurants and offered them to take part in every activity we did...like a 3rd child really so it's a mystery to me what I am doing wrong.Yes,I have to admit I work long hours but I'm the only one who pays the bills so it has to be done, but they never had to work after 6pm or the weekends and if they did I paid extra.

As I was saying, it may be trivial to you, but i really don't understand why they felt they had to leave and even make up lies to go home.[/QUOT

I was an au pair last year. Before I arrived, the family said I only had to work 6145am to 5pm monday to thursday. The rest of my time, they promised, would be free. HOWEVER I found that during my free time, they would often pressurise me into hanging out with them, although technically not working. I had made friends there and wanted my free time to myself, but the family would "invite" me to spend my evenings and weekends with them in such a way that i could not refuse. This happened very often when I had places I would much rather be! Maybe your au pairs do not want to hang out with you during their spare time. This is understandable, I mean they came to a different country to make friends and hang out with people their own age, not to gain a new family.

Also maybe your au pairs don't like being treated like a "3rd child." How exactly did you mean this?

How often do you expect them to work the evenings that should be free? Do they have a choice when this happens? Maybe they would rather have the free time than the extra money.

It's not easy to tell the host family why you are leaving. Are your au pairs maybe a little scared of you? While they're in your home and working for you, they are totally under your power after all.

Also, if you are too lenient with the kids, maybe they are impossible for the au pair to control. That's no fun

StormWarrior

sodrisc wrote:

They have their own families at home and would much prefer to be out at night with their friends or reading a book in their bedroom than going to the cinema with you

That is so true, when I was an au pair, during my "free time" if I was in my room reading or watching TV, every five minutes one of the kids or parents would be knocking on my door, asking me to play, or talking about my duties for the coming week, or inviting me to sit with them. You just feel so pressured all the time, you just want to be left alone when you're not working! It is very draining.

\m/_(>_<)_\m/

WorriedMom wrote:

yes, I am well aware that Au Pairs are not childminders. I treat them like part of my family, don't expect them to do any household chores as I believe them to be only responsible for the kids

only responsible for the kids...ya mean like a childminder.

WorriedMom wrote:

'
I know as a fact, that they do not behave like "little ****ers" behind my back.

i think we have isolated the problem here... if they know you think like this, you can be dam sure the are acting like little cu~ts, and you take their side every time right....yep ist starting to become crystal clear...

its not you, its not the AuParis/childminder. its your kids