Confused

LegacyUser

Not sure why I'm writing this but I just need to tell someone I suppose. Bit of a long story but I'll keep it to a minimum. Basically I'm a 29 year old who in my youth (roughly 18-20) had a fairly brief fling with a girl I knew through a friend. We went out a few times and got on well and well I fell for her big time. We never 'officially' went out with each other and after a while it kind of fizzled out. We used to spend a lot of time talking on the phone etc. but possibly because of my inability to be direct in what I wanted or possibly the fact she may not have been too interested (I never could tell), it never quite happened. Over the next 5 years or so we bumped into eachother occasionally and we'd go for a drink or whatever and we'd stay in touch for another while and it would fizzle again. So now I haven't seen her in about 5 years now mainly because she lives in New York with her boyfriend! and I live with my girlfriend of 6 years.

So why am I writing this? Well I just cant get her out of my head. Whatever I'm doing, she's always at the back (or front)of my mind. I'm starting to think I may be insane...I mean ALL the time. If I'm deciding what shirt I buy, I think what type of shirts she used to like! I have a busy life with work, sports and social life etc so I don't just sit around moping. I really do feel that I miss her a lot. I'm still in regular contact with a lot of her friends whom I knew before her but I have no contact with her directly. So the only contact I have would be if I'm talking to one of our mutual friends, they might say "Mary" was asking for you etc...

So the fact that she lives in NY and I live with my long term partner means that the chances of us ever getting together are slimmer than me winning the 12.5 million lottery next wednesday. The only thing I can compare it to would be "There's something about Mary" where he cant stop think about her and needs to find her (that film rang a few bells with me). I suppose deep down, I'm hoping for a similar ending too.

It's been a long time and my feelings haven't changed and it's starting to annoy me that I still feel this way.

Please tell me I'm not insane...

Bottle_of_Smoke

Finding someone you like as much as her might be the only cure....

How do you feel in general about your current GF?

LegacyUser

'My gf obviosly has a lot of qualities that I like or I wouldn't be with her this long. We have a fairly good relationship although honestly lately it seems that we are more like mates than partners. She is beautiful and I know I should appreciate her a lot more. The main problem with her I think is that she ain't 'Mary'...'

CathyMoran

You need to focus more on your current relationship. I was hankering after an ex for a long while even though I was in a great relationship with a wonderful man. It took a major wakeup call for me to realise who was important.

Maple

Its a case of "what could have been", you're torturing yourself with the "what-ifs".

You've put "Mary" up on a pedestal and given her god like status so of course noone will ever come close to her. She's become this golden human being who doesn't perspire, pass wind, possess a single off putting human trait.

Honestly I think you should try your hardest to forget her and try and move on with your life. Put her out of your head. This girl has moved on with her life, she's not sitting around wondering what if, you need to do the same.

There will always be the "one who got away" but you can't let them control your present.

Marksie

I would definitely be challenging myself if i were you. I would be looking at what had changed to make me feel this way about someone who i never really went out with, haven't seen for 5 years and has a b/friend. Would have absolutely no interest in me and would be a disaster to meet.

No, more likely look at what has changed in your current relationship that is causing you to look and fixate on something from the past, whihc if looked at dispassionately probably wasn't great to begin with, despite what you say. The memory has a wonderful way of colouring things.

Insane? No, unable to let go, maybe. Looking back wistfully rather than confronting the issues .. yes.
Looking back never really allows you the chance of moving forward with your life.
You claim that after 6 years with your partner you are more like "mates". BUT you are allowing this backward looking stance to interfere with your continued development of your intimate relationship.
There could be many reasons, fear of letting go deeply, wanting the end of teh current relationship or even fear of going deeper into your relationship, any all and more.

That is what you have got to ask yourself. Which is it.

but what it isnt... it isnt the first g/friend at all. That is ju what you are grabbing onto to rationalise and justify

tbh

I agree with Marksie. You are not hung up on this girl, you've associated that time of your life with something you feel you are missing now. If it was not the girl you were pining after, it'd be the college you were in, or the job you did or whatever. does that strike a chord?

McGinty

I would also agree with Marksie, I know that you had several opportunities to make a go of the relationship at the time with the girl in question but you never actually pushed yourself to do something, it all sounds rather passive, I don't doubt that you're feelings are strong for her but they were never strong enough at the time when it mattered and maybe you need to look at that more deeply. Also do you fear committment? I know that sounds an odd question considering you have a girlfriend of six years but often people commit in theory to a person but they focus on a past lover in order to keep the current person at bay (on an emotional level).

CathyMoran

McGinty wrote:

Also do you fear committment? I know that sounds an odd question considering you have a girlfriend of six years but often people commit in theory to a person but they focus on a past lover in order to keep the current person at bay (on an emotional level).

I agree with McGinty, I focused on an ex for years even though I had a wonderful bf as I was scared of commitment. OP - maybe you are scared of commitment?