From macosxhints.com

Capt'n Midnight

I went to the doctor and he said, "Rodney, I have some good news and some bad news."
I said, "Doc, I've had a tough day. Just give me the good news."
He said, "OK. They named a disease after you."

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Q: How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: That’s not funny!

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How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza..........?





...... deep pan, crisp and even...



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Picture the scene - its a cold winters day, Christmas Day to be exact. Its snowing and in a large back garden there are two snowmen... One turns round to the other, *sniffs* and says, 'can you smell carrots?'


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One day, Satan walked up to Jesus and said "Hey Jesus, I bet I can use a computer fast than you"

Jesus said "We will have a contest to choose the winner. My Father will judge it."

God said "Whoever can do the most work in 10 minutes wins. GO!"

Immediatly Jesus and the Devil start working. They staring doing presentations and writing documents and surfin the web and all kinds of stuff. About 9 minutes in, there is a power lose and both computers shutdown. They reboot and they start working again. When the 10 minutes are up, God said "Jesus is the winner."

The devil starts throwing a fit. "Thats not fair! The power went out and all my work was lost!'

God said "Sorry Satan, but Jesus saves"


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What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb ?

you can unscrew a bulb


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"Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them."

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A pair of paralegics walk into this bar...

Eh no, wait, they can't walk...

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Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely – in fact downright depressed.

So God asked him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

God said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with everything you say. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

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Three women were in a bar talking about their husbands and how they made love.
The first woman said, "My husband is a marriage counselor, and before we make love, he brings me flowers and candy. I like that."

The second woman proclaimed, "My husband is a mechanic, he makes love a little rough, I like that."

The third woman replied, "Well my husband works for Microsoft and all he does is sit on the edge of the bed and tell me how good it's going to be when I get it."

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There were three engineers debating the nature of God: a structural engineer, an eletrical engineer, and a civil engineer. While the structural engineer spoke first, each was claiming that God was was an engineer of his own type.

"For verification of this just look at the human body! The skeletal structure is an amazing thing. It moves where it needs to and it is strong everywhere else. Not to mention that it provides shape and stability."

The electrical engineer spoke next.
"No, God is an electrical engineer because regardless of the structure, the body could not operate without the nervous system. This system has used electricity since the inception of life. God HAS to be an electrical engineer."

They both turned to the civil engineer to get his view on this topic. After thinking about the human body for a while, he replied, "You are both wrong. God is a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

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An engineer, manager, and a programmer are in a car going down a steep mountain road. The brakes fail and the car careens down the road out of control. Halfway down, the driver manages to stop the car by sliding against the embankment, narrowly avoiding careening off the cliff. They all get out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.

The manager says, "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through process of continuous improvement, develop a solution."

The engineer says, "No that would take too long, besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."

The programmer says, "You're both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."
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A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position in Seatle.

The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

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These two guys were approaching the first tee. The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this ball.'' He draws a green golfball out of his bag. "You can't lose it.''

His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!!''

The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it.''

Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced.

The friend says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball!''

The man replies, "I found it.''

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You Coloured People!

When I was born – I was black.
When I grow up – I am black.
When I am sick – I am black.
When I go in the sun – I am black.
When I am cold – I am black.
When I die – I am black.

But you…
When you are born – you are pink.
When you grow up – you are white.
When you are sick – you turn green.
When you go in the sun – you get red.
When you are cold – you turn blue.
When you die – you turn purple.

And you have the nerve to call me coloured!

http://forums.macosxhints.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=1468&d=1159315205

darkskol

some good ones there

vorbis

liked the helicopter one.

The_B_Man

that "Coloured" one is a poem i learned in 3rd class!

ctc_celtic

love the adam and the rib one:D