Confused - am I a slut?

r3nu4l

As a man I can say that I don't consider you a slut. Your 'friend' isn't a friend at all I'm afraid, just a very judgemental and arrogant person.

There is nothing wrong with what you did at all. Nothing. End of story really.

Try to forget about how other people judge you, you are your own person, your own individual and I'd say you should enjoy life the way you want to (provided it's within the law ).

The Corinthian

Caliden wrote:

Go on, finish that sentence so you can see who silly it sounds when you read it aloud to yourself.

Scary thing is that there are plenty of women, and I would imagine men, who actually believe that, especially where it comes to oral sex.

Actually, this makes interesting reading on the subject of those who take so-called virginity pledges.

meglome wrote:

I have a friend who was raped and she did get into bed with the guy which turned out to be pretty stupid move but she still didn't ask for what happened. Although she certainly didn't go back for more.

At the end of the day rape is rape is rape, but there are also people who use rape (not, I stress, in the case of the OP) or alcohol or "the slut led me on" or whatever to abdicate responsibility where it comes to sex.

This is something that applies to men too, with the classic virgin-whore paradox. I have a good friend who simply cannot respect the women who sleep with him, because at the back of his mind he will see them as whores for doing so. As a result, I don't think he's had a normal relationship with a woman his entire life.

regretful wrote:

She's not my best friend, I only met her 6 months ago. Tbh, I see where she's coming from as I used to think a similar way before I lost my virginity.

Many people, especially if they've gone through a religious school or come from a conservative family will tend to enter society with very repressed views about sex. Most lose these issues, but many others do not.

I remember as a schoolboy, indulging in some heavy petting with my girlfriend - at that age any kind of sexual activity with a girl was always a war of attrition, but with perseverance and short fingernails you eventually got somewhere.

Nonetheless, during the heavy petting in question she murmured "I don't know why I let you away with this". I stopped and looked at her and answered "because you like it". She blushed and thankfully never said anything as idiotic as that again.

You do appear to come from such a conservative background and your experiences with your ex have probably compounded your problem. At 24 most Irish men and women have grown out of this and while, on a positive note, you are now questioning this mentality, on a negative note, your 'friend' is not helping you.

spinandscribble wrote:

oral sex isnt losing your virginity (it isnt snow white either but meh). the penis has to enter the vagina or the ass. thats what intercourse is.

Strictly speaking one loses one's virginity only through sexual (vaginal) intercourse. In fact, historically the integrity of the hymen was used as a test that a woman was 'intacto'.

Nevyn

Jazz Maverick banned.

horgan_p

tbh , your past is your past. its part of who you are.
dont be ashamed of who you are.
if a guy is sincere and genuine he wont care about your past.
Look stuff happens to all of us and we all do things we wish we didnt.
make your own peace with what you've done , if anyone wants to judge you let them judge you based on who you are , not what you were.

i am speaking from expeirence.please dont beat yourself up over it. its the worst thing you could do.


there's a great speech at the end of chasing amy ( sorry but its a bit long)

Silent Bob: [to Holden] So there's me an' Amy, and we're all inseparable, right? Just big time in love. And then about four months in, I ask about the ex-boyfriend. Dumb move, I know, but you know how it is - you don't really want to know, but you just have to... stupid guy bullsh!t. Anyway she starts telling me all about him - how they dated for years, lived together, her mother likes me better, blah, blah, blah - and I'm okay. But then she tells me that a couple times, he brought other people to bed with them - ménage a tois, I believe it's called. Now this just blows my mind. I mean, I'm not used to that sort of thing, right? I was raised Catholic.
Jay: Saint Sh!thead.
[Silent Bob backhands him. Jay raises his fist as if to strike]
Silent Bob: Do something.
Silent Bob: [to Holden] So I get weirded out, and just start blasting her, right? This is the only way I can deal with it - by calling her a slut, and telling her that she was used - I mean, I'm out for blood I want to hurt her - because I don't know how to deal with what I'm feeling. And I'm like "What the fu*k is wrong with you?" and she's telling me that it was that time, in that place, and she didn't do anything wrong, so she's not gonna apologize. So I tell her it's over, and I walk.
Jay: F**king-A.
Silent Bob: No, idiot. It was a mistake. I wasn't disgusted with her, I was afraid. At that moment, I felt small - like I'd lacked experience, like I'd never be on her level or never be enough for her or something. And what I didn't get was that she didn't care. She wasn't looking for that guy anymore. She was looking for me, for the Bob. But by the time I realized this, it was too late, you know. She'd moved on, and all I had to show for it was some foolish pride, which then gave way to regret. She was the girl, I know that now. But I pushed her away...
[Silent Bob lights a cigarette]
Silent Bob: So I've spent every day since then chasing Amy...
[takes a drag from his smoke]
Silent Bob: So to speak.



sorry if i didnt get all the bad language out , please read it.

Electric

OP I think you are very courageous for dealing with all that you have had to go through. Rape is one of the most heinous crimes and it's effects can last a life time.

In short your friend does not know what she is talking about. In fact she doesn't sound like much of a friend at all!

You are not a slut!

A slut is someone who has absolutely no respect for herself and continues to treat herself in the worst kinda of way thereby inviting others to treat her like that. That does not sound like you!

I think you need to tell your friend where to go. I know she said all that stuff nicely but that doesn't mean it was any less vicious.

The other thing is the Dublin Rape Crisis Centre are so fantastic! Should you ever feel like looking them up their website is http://www.drcc.ie/

metrovelvet

Are you aware you are in another abusive relationship?

Your friend is invoking the moral authority of religion to demote you. My guess is she's jealous.

Even if you were a slut, so what? Why do you care what she thinks?

Talliesin

regretful wrote:

I thought I had got over it.

Unfortunately, the pain doesn't have an expiry date.

While it's obviously bad that nobody can promise you you'll be "over it" in any given timeframe, the good part of realising that is to realise that there's no time after which you have to be over it.

regretful wrote:

However, yesterday I was talking to a friend of mine who is a catholic and believes in no sex before marriage.

Well, since she doesn't believe in sex before marriage and you have had extra-marital sex, then the two of you would have something to discuss if you were ever going to get married.

Up until such a time as one of you proposes to the other what the hell does it matter what she thinks.

I personally don't believe people should ever marry someone they haven't had lots of sex with. I doubt the fact that someone believes this is going to make this woman say "oh, gosh well if someone else's sexual morality says I should do that I'd better start right now!"

Nor, since this woman clearly isn't my fiancée, do I give a damn that she's expressing her sexuality in a way that's at odds with my perspective. I have no desire to force her to stand in the town square wearing a scarlet letter V. She can live her life as she sees fit. I can live my life as I can see fit.

You, hopefully, can make your own mind up whether you agree with either of us or hold to a position that differs from us both, and live as you see fit too.

regretful wrote:

She said that 4 is loads of people to have slept with, and she would never be such a slut.

That isn't a conversation with a friend. That's a political polemic.

George Orwell wrote "The words democracy, socialism, freedom, patriotic, realistic, justice have each of them several different meanings.... Words of this kind are often used in a consciously dishonest way. That is, the person who uses them has his own private definition, but allows his hearer to think he means something quite different."

In other words the words have no real meaning except for their ability to project a certain emotional response.

The word "slut" is similar in this regard. Originally it meant "untidy" and came to mean "sexually immoral". As such it clearly has no meaning whatsoever outside of a given sexual morality (which in the case of this woman means anyone that has extra-marital sex".

So. The word can be used to condemn someone who doesn't live sexually as one feels people should (e.g. like the way she doesn't live sexually like I feel people should) or to celebrate that we don't live sexually like someone else feels we should (e.g. like I'm glad she'd think I was a slut) or because one finds the word deliciously naughty or whatever.

But whatever way one uses it, it doesn't actually mean anything. Arguing the toss either way is like reading Jabberwocky as a literal account of real events.

regretful wrote:

She said I have destroyed something that I will never get back

Again, we are heavy on emotion and light on meaning.

We destroy something we'll never get back with every second that passes.

One thing you destroyed that you'll never get back is an abusive relationship with a rapist. Well done.

regretful wrote:

and now I will never find my Prince Charming

The biggest obstacle to you finding Prince Charming is that you live in the real world, not Andrew Lang's The Blue Fairy Book.

She does seem to be making out Prince Charming to be a bit of a creep though. And indeed, in the older versions of Sleeping Beauty he wasn't that unlike your ex-boyfriend.

Better to raise your sights higher than that, I think.

regretful wrote:

She said my behaviour was shameful and I will never have a pure, loving relationship like the one she and her boyfriend have (they are waiting till they're married.)

If she needs to run around finding counter-examples to feel secure in her relationship (not to mention putting such a heavy influence upon a relatively minor aspect of her own faith while turning a blind eye to the principle that everyone can be redeemed - the core principle of the religion you say she practices), she's in trouble.

What does "pure" mean in terms of a relationship anyway? It only functions in a vacuum which keeps it free from impurity or what?

regretful wrote:

She said sex will never be special for me now.

Hmm. I've also been raped and I've had more sexual partners that you. Sex is extremely special to me.

regretful wrote:

she is a really nice person, which makes me think that maybe she's right.

Well, that's one of the problems with nice people.

Firstly, nice is a fair-weather quality. If you are, for example, sitting outside a cafe talking about nothing in particular over a bottle of wine, then that's something where being nice could be an advantage.

But this isn't a fair-weather matter and once you get down to blood and bone nice doesn't mean jack.

In terms of the package of qualities anyone has, nice is at most a ribbon on top. It's not real.

Now, what you need is to get some people with some strength and above all some decency in your life, whether they're nice or not. Without decency underneath it nice is worse than useless.

People have no business going around being nice if they can't manage to be decent first.

regretful wrote:

Now I'm worried that if I meet the one, he will be put off and won't want to know me.

You're far too old to believe in "the one" and you've been through too much to put up with any more assholes. If someone identifies himself as being at best a weak person and at worse an asshole by having an issue with this, then don't worry about whether he was "the one".

That's another problem with being nice, it makes people too tolerant of assholes for their own good.

regretful wrote:

And maybe sex will never be special.

Sex isn't an absolute. It's not something you arrive at. Sex is dynamic and it's energy comes from a dynamic exchange between the people involved. That's what will or won't make it special.

Now sure, there can be a lot to overcome on your part if you've had the experiences you've had, but overcoming that can be a positive part of that dynamic exchange.

regretful wrote:

So, a question for the blokes here: Would you hold that past behaviour against a girl you were considering dating?

You will never find yourself dating a survey.

Some would. Some won't. Same as any other "question for the [wo]men?" people have.

Bottle_of_Smoke

It's true guys find girls with a lot of history unattractive but I would think 4 people is a low number tbh. I'm friends with a lot of girls your age who I know have slept with a lot more than you.

If you invest half your life into virginity it's going to feel special whether it actually is or not.

Your friend is obviously insecure/jealous of you. If you're a nice person you don't tell someone who's lost their virginity that they'll never be happy.

The bible is so unlikely to be true religious folk are understandably very insecure about their faith. Look at Muslims rioting over cartoons or Ireland banning "The Life of Brian"

They think "I obey so I'll go to heaven, once it's true." So when they see people disobeying the bible they think "oh sh*t, it might not be true, better condemn that behaviour"

There's a reason nearly all religious people try to convert people - it's because the more people believe the safer they feel in their beliefs. Maybe that's why she was such a bitch to you.

Rb

Sleepy wrote:

No you're not a slut. Not nearly one. You could multiply the number of people you've slept with by 10 and you'd still be nowhere close.

40 = trollop in my (and a lot of other people's) book. Such a person may as well charge for it 'cause she's basically just a prostitute handing out freebies. Obviously dependent on age, a woman of 40 who'd slept with such an amount would be rather conservative.


ANYWAY,

OP: You're not a slut.

ali.c

Your friend sounds like a bit of a spa tbh. Inflicting her moral standpoint on you and judging your actions and associating consequences on them. Might be a bit harsh but who the hell does she think she is god?

Hell i am only a year older than you and i have slept with considerably more than 4 people. I am not a slut.

As said already far more eloquently prince charming doesnt exist. I believe in love that you find a partner not some one to rescue you. You have been through a lot at such a young age but i dont believe you need anyone to rescue you. In fact from your posts you seem to have done a pretty good job at that yourself.

The past is in the past, dont let anyone put you down or judge your actions. Particularly not in the name of religion

Libertine07

OP you are absolutely NOT a slut. As has been said, you're a strong, brave young woman who has come through a very traumatic experience, and for that you should feel incredibly proud of yourself. Any man that would have an issue with your past is not worth a second of your time.

Your 'friend' should be supportive of you rather than judgemental. She's obviously insecure, in fact I bet she's jealous that you've had experiences that she's too scared to try. She wants to validate her own beliefs by trying to force them on others. Do not let her get to you, her behaviour is petty and self righteous and you're well above all that.

Sex is really not the big deal its made out to be, and I'm sure she'll come to realise that eventually. But thats not your concern, you live your own life and do whatever makes you happy. It sounds like you have a very wise head on young shoulders.

Do go for counselling if you feel you still need it, you need to heal yourself properly. Good luck

muboop1

your friend hasnt listened to the bible once imo, they dont preach judgement upon others, to quote a fameous if not overused line "let he without sins cast the first stone"
ur mate is a tool! im cathlolic, and personally, well what you done isnt the best thing you could of(and by no means that bad), but at same time...so what! ffs, even prnstars are known to have had marriages n fall in love for life etc...how can you with 4 people be that drastic? whats more important to peole is how u are...but she seems to be a judgemental bitch, and for all her keeping her virginity or watever, your are a gell of a lot more likely to attract a good guy then she is! so ignore that girl...shes doing exactly what the bible preachs not to do...tool....

muboop1

ali.c wrote:

but who the hell does she think she is god?

i find this hilarious...if u read the bible,,,ud see god dosent condemn people who have slept with multiple partners, rather look at jess, he forgives peoples sins(not that what u done is a sin! it realy depends on how u look at it...4 ur mate said this to u, did u think u had done something wrong? if so then dont do again or try refrain from if u get me, if not the,,, well do watever pleases u...but remember peopl although they shoulnt judge do... and do it with alot of people and it may go from something special u do with a person and enjoy together to just pure selfish pleasure), not condemns them for it!

the_syco

regretful wrote:

Afterwards, I went a little wild and slept with 3 people

Welcome to living.

regretful wrote:

However, yesterday I was talking to a friend of mine who is a catholic and believes in no sex before marriage.

I pity her boyfriend. I wonder how many girls he's f**ked before meeting her?

regretful wrote:

She said that 4 is loads of people to have slept with, and she would never be such a slut.

Maybe 50 years ago. I wonder is she jealous that you're getting laid, where as she still is stuck with the first one?

=-=

More or less quoted "She said I have blah... blah... blah... 1930's christain propaganda crap... blah... blah..."

Tell her to go f**k herself. Oh, wait, thats a sin*

regretful wrote:

So, a question for the blokes here: Would you hold that past behaviour against a girl you were considering dating?

Some blokes want a girl that knows every trick in the book, but is still a virgin:rolleyes::D They also want someone who can cook, clean, bring them beer... mainly someone who wants all this, is the one you left. Ignore the prats.

*According to Beavis and Butthead, when Beavis meets St Peter outside the gates of Heaven

JCB

regretful wrote:

She's not my best friend, I only met her 6 months ago. Tbh, I see where she's coming from as I used to think a similar way before I lost my virginity.

First of all, well done 'Regretful' for escaping your painful relationship. It was a brave and courageous decision.

Regretful, would I be right in guessing that you are feeling guilty because perhaps you still feel the same way about virginity now as you did then? Otherwise, I don't think your friend's views you have affected you this much.

There is no need to beat yourself up. If you still feel this way then ask God to forgive you and start living a life that makes you feel happy, not guilty. It's OK to start again.

It's awful that your friend is so judgemental - no matter how pious she is, she shouldn't condemn you and tell you that sex can never be special for you. A good friend should be more considerate.

Setting the virginity issue aside - I think it would be helpful if you spoke to someone you trust about being raped. Being a Catholic, or feeling guilty, should not take away from the fact that you were violated and you do not deserve to be treated that way. Talking will help ease that pain.

Perhaps you thought that those flings would help you get over that pain. You were hurt, remember, so I don't think that merits calling you a slut. They didn't fulfill you and maybe now you think that they may have cost you your future happiness. Your "friend" has now reaffirmed that view.

I doubt that many fellas would reject you because of four partners. To be honest, if you were as open and honest as you are now, even the most conservative understanding person could see your point of view. So don't worry, the "pure loving relationship" you're after can still be achieved.

________________________________________________________

On a side note....

Sangre wrote:

Well your friend also believes in Arks, talking snakes, wine becoming blood and people being resurrected so I'd take what ever she 'believes' in with a pinch of salt.

This has got to be the most ignorant, inciteful and unhelpful post I have ever read. The "friend" is the problem not her beliefs.

DiscoHugh

so I guess your oh so perfect friend never heard the religious phrase "let he who is without sin cast the first stone" huh?:rolleyes:

first off she has no place talking about something she has no experience of and she ll probably be in for a rude awakening on her wedding night.


anyways, the girl i lost my v-card to told me she had been with 20 odd guys before me. I was shocked for about 3 seconds then thought to myself. She was been honest, and that s better than being falsely self righteous.

4 guys at 24? fuggedaboutit

paulie.walnuts

Are you a slut??

No way don't even give it a second thought, you're friend is a bit odd in this day and age to think no sex till marriage. She's the weird one!

DublinWriter

I find it amazing how in this day and age that people still take moral guidance on matters sexual from a bunch of celebate men.

OP: Four partners is nothing. As for the no sex before marriage thing? Oh please. Do you really want to tie the knot with someone and discover that you are both sexually incompatible when it's too late?

qwertyphobia

just because someone says somthing "gently" and doesn't mean they are not being a nasty bitch. It's her issue do not take it on board

rickybutcher

regretful wrote:

Now I'm worried that if I meet the one, he will be put off and won't want to know me. And maybe sex will never be special. I feel physically sick thinking of the people I've slept with. So, a question for the blokes here: Would you hold that past behaviour against a girl you were considering dating?

Personally, without being disrespectful to your friend, if somebody said that to me I'd regard them as seriously delusional and I wouldn't speak to them in future. They are not living in the real world. You're fine.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies everyone.

JCB wrote:

Regretful, would I be right in guessing that you are feeling guilty because perhaps you still feel the same way about virginity now as you did then? Otherwise, I don't think your friend's views you have affected you this much.
.

I am still confused about what my own views actually are. Before my friend said all that stuff I was actually beginning to think that maybe we should just see sex as something good and enjoy it, but now I'm confused again! During the aforementioned conversation my friend said something else as well that made me think, because my one night stands were all on holidays, she asked me: "If you had had a one night stand with someone in our hometown, would you go round telling everyone about it?" To which I replied "No." She said, "There you are, it's because you know you've done something shameful!"

JCB wrote:

Perhaps you thought that those flings would help you get over that pain. You were hurt, remember, so I don't think that merits calling you a slut. They didn't fulfill you and maybe now you think that they may have cost you your future happiness. Your "friend" has now reaffirmed that view.

I am definitely worried that it may have cost me my future happiness.

meglome wrote:

Any bloke who has a problem with the fact that some scumbag forced himself on you is not worth the air he's breathing.

I was thinking more about the fact that a bloke might not want to be with me because of the one night stands with random people.

the_syco wrote:

I pity her boyfriend. I wonder how many girls he's f**ked before meeting her?

He has in fact lived with at least one girlfriend before that I know of. He is no virgin, he's not even a christian but seems willing to wait for her.

Marksie

regretful wrote:

I am still confused about what my own views actually are. Before my friend said all that stuff I was actually beginning to think that maybe we should just see sex as something good and enjoy it, but now I'm confused again! During the aforementioned conversation my friend said something else as well that made me think, because my one night stands were all on holidays, she asked me: "If you had had a one night stand with someone in our hometown, would you go round telling everyone about it?" To which I replied "No." She said, "There you are, it's because you know you've done something shameful!".

Your friend is an idiot, a delusional idiot with no concept of life in general
Lovemaking is something to look forward to and to enjoy.
TBH regretful, i wouldn't speak to your friend again, in her own way she has caused you so much damage.

regretful wrote:

I am definitely worried that it may have cost me my future happiness..

Only if you let it.

regretful wrote:

I was thinking more about the fact that a bloke might not want to be with me because of the one night stands with random people..

Absolutely not, most guys wouldn't bat an eye over that

regretful wrote:

He has in fact lived with at least one girlfriend before that I know of. He is no virgin, he's not even a christian but seems willing to wait for her.

Karma

LegacyUser

I'm very surprised at how many people are saying they wouldn't care if their partner had slept with 15 people. I met my boyfriend at 21 and he was surprised that I wasn't a virgin, as his exes had been. He accepted it but was disappointed. Obviously I think its sexist to have such views when the guy isnt a virgin himself, but I wouldnt blame a guy for being put off someone who has had 15 + partners. I wouldnt want to be with a guy who had had that many because I see sex as something special and intimate and am very choosy about who I share my body with. I wouldnt really judge a friend for sleeping with a lot of people but I wouldnt want it in a partner as it indicates we dont have the same views on what sex means etc.

I personally dont think 4 people at 24 is in any way excessive - to me its the norm. In my opinion 'a lot of partners' would be, say, 15 at that age like I said. Obviously 4 will seem like a lot to a Christian who plans on being with one man in her life. Whats the big deal here? You just have different views on what is normal and acceptable. Tell your friend to mind her own business and that you dont need her 'advice.'

Sleepy

regretful wrote:

I am still confused about what my own views actually are. Before my friend said all that stuff I was actually beginning to think that maybe we should just see sex as something good and enjoy it, but now I'm confused again! During the aforementioned conversation my friend said something else as well that made me think, because my one night stands were all on holidays, she asked me: "If you had had a one night stand with someone in our hometown, would you go round telling everyone about it?" To which I replied "No." She said, "There you are, it's because you know you've done something shameful!"

TBH, you're friend is the one acting in a shameful fashion, not you. Just because you prefer your sex life to be private doesn't necessarily mean you're ashamed of it. You were right when you thought for yourself: sex is something good that's there for us to enjoy.

I am definitely worried that it may have cost me my future happiness.

Why? Would you honestly want to be with someone so closed minded that they'd hold your past against you? Fvck that tbh. If someone's going to judge me for things I've done long before I've met them I don't want to know that person, never mind try living happily ever after with them!

I was thinking more about the fact that a bloke might not want to be with me because of the one night stands with random people.

Like I said above, any bloke that feels that way, doesn't deserve you.

He has in fact lived with at least one girlfriend before that I know of. He is no virgin, he's not even a christian but seems willing to wait for her.

In that case I'd personally be compelled to ask the question: how many people has he ****ed since he's been with her?

Talliesin

regretful wrote:

I am still confused about what my own views actually are.

There will not be a written exam. Don't rush this.

regretful wrote:

because my one night stands were all on holidays, she asked me: "If you had had a one night stand with someone in our hometown, would you go round telling everyone about it?" To which I replied "No." She said, "There you are, it's because you know you've done something shameful!"

So, I assume she's going to go around telling everyone exactly what she did on her wedding night and every other sexual experience with her future husband - since it's not shameful and she apparently broadcasts every non-shameful detail of her life at the village pump.

I wonder how much detail she's going to go in. Do let us know what her favourite sexual position is, some of us are conducting a survey.

regretful wrote:

I am definitely worried that it may have cost me my future happiness.

I am definitely worried that you will let it cost you your future happiness.

regretful wrote:

I was thinking more about the fact that a bloke might not want to be with me because of the one night stands with random people.

Some bloke might not want to be with you because he wants to go out every night snorting coke off stranger's body parts while you wait at home in case he wants somebody to cook him supper when he gets back and you won't put up with that. This is a Good Thing™

Some bloke might not want to be with you because you're a woman and he's as camp as a bishop's synod. This is a basic incompatibility.

Some bloke might not want to be with you because he just doesn't get on with you very well. This is one of those things that happens.

Of the 3billion men in the world I'm afraid most of them won't want to be with you for one reason or another.

There isn't one man waiting for you, so there isn't a possibility that you'll eventually find him and then discover that he has a thing about virgins. That simply isn't how the world works.

If it was, what's to say that this mystical "Mr. Right" wouldn't want to not be with you because he'd prefer someone with a bit more sexual experience?

Stop trying to second-guess what Mr. Right wants, because he doesn't exist. Also he's not as hot as he thinks he is.

regretful wrote:

He has in fact lived with at least one girlfriend before that I know of. He is no virgin, he's not even a christian but seems willing to wait for her.

I wonder if that's why she has to inflate the value of her way of living by victimising you.

Maple

regretful wrote:

Thanks for the replies everyone.


I am still confused about what my own views actually are. Before my friend said all that stuff I was actually beginning to think that maybe we should just see sex as something good and enjoy it, but now I'm confused again! During the aforementioned conversation my friend said something else as well that made me think, because my one night stands were all on holidays, she asked me: "If you had had a one night stand with someone in our hometown, would you go round telling everyone about it?" To which I replied "No." She said, "There you are, it's because you know you've done something shameful!"


I am definitely worried that it may have cost me my future happiness.


I was thinking more about the fact that a bloke might not want to be with me because of the one night stands with random people.

He has in fact lived with at least one girlfriend before that I know of. He is no virgin, he's not even a christian but seems willing to wait for her.

NO NO NO NO. Again NO. I cannot reiterate it enough.

You haven't done anything shameful at all. Nothing. So what if you wouldn't tell anyone in your home town that you'd slept with 4 people, so what? Its your business and you don't have to tell anyone anything. Its nobody's business but your own.

You don't have to live up to anyone's standards apart from your own. Its your life and lead it as you see fit.

Sex is one of life's pleasures and if you want to share your body with someone and it feels right then go right ahead. There is NOTHING wrong with that.

Just live your life and leave self righteous morons like your friend to live theirs.

Nevyn

regretful every time you are with someone it is different and can be very special.

Just because you may have done those things with someone else each time you are doing them for the first time with them, first time you will touch each other or kiss each other on certain places, first time you will hear each other sigh and moan and groan.

Being that intimate with a person you care about is always special.

But you need to learn to value yourself and honestly respect and love yourself.
You are not damaged good, 6 out of every 10 women will have had to endure some forum of physical sexual assault over the course of their lives.
You have to learn to be ok in your skin and to let yourself heal and deal with what has happened to you in that past and when you decided to have sex again with someone let it be for the right reasons and because you want to guilt free and enjoy yourself.

Dudess

OP, if the definition of a "slut" (a term I would NEVER use) is someone who's had several partners, then think about your own situation: you've been sexually active for four years (the fact that you waited til 20 was very sensible to start with). Two of those years were with the the same person, the remainder was roughly three partners in two years. That's one partner every eight months. So to conclude: you are far from a slut - IF the number of partners you've had is what deems you a slut. But none of the above should matter.
As for your friend, I wouldn't be surprised if she had intimacy issues of her own and was, in a way, envious of you for doing a bit of experimenting.

milkerman

The expression 'Slut' is not pretty, but they do exist.
A Slut is a person that debases themselves through sexual activity. A slut could be male or female but the term is more often applied to females.
Examples of Sluttish Behaviour; Having sex with a guy cos he has a car and you dont have the money for a Taxi (it has happened), Having sex with a guy as a way of thumbing your nose at his wife/gf (it happens) Having sex as a means of getting pregnant so you qualify for a Corpo Flat (happens every night of the week) Using Sex for career advancement. The list is endless.

On the other hand, if you meet someone and there is that indefinable spark that finds you both at it within a couple of hours. That is not being a slut, that is being a complete human and a real person. You may not even love that person (you will only find real love with time) but you will have shared a happy intimacy that neither parties ever forget.

Again I say to you- YOU ARE NOT A SLUT. At heart your small minded friend thinks sex is dirty and needs the blessing of the church to make it OK. Just pity her for what she is.

There is no 'one' man waiting for you out there, there are millions-it just needs a smart one to see your qualities.

gaeilgegrinds

Not a slut. Don't let her taint your idea of religion, doesn't sound very religious to me! You are NOT a slut, I hate that term but you're not one. Hold your head up high & work on that confidence. And don't listen to daft people like her.