am i mean with money

LegacyUser

hi

today i am freaking out over this issue i have with my boyfriend and which i cant really bring up with him until i ve heard some opinions on .

i have been going out with a guy for the last 7 months. i have an apartment of my own which i share with my 3 yr old daughter . he has been stayin over quite a bit. he hasnt paid any rent . he pays 25 per week for a place he doesnt even stay in and i just think its a waste. i wish he wud give the 25 to me instead as the rent costs me 800 per month . he throws in money alrite for food which is grand and we are both happy with that.

if he needs a lift i drive him and dont ask for anything for that. i dont have any problem with that cos i got enought lifts too over the years when i didnt have a car.

yesterday as i was leaving the house he asked me to grab his phone. i got it and while putting my dd in her seat i left the phone on the roof. of course we didnt realise this until much later until it was well gone. ive had to pay for a new phone which is really pissing me off as he gets the value of the phone in free credit anyway and im really broke at the monent . i gave the money but was in a bad mood after it which im ashamed about really but i dont see how it is fully my responsibility . am i mean . i cant stop thinking about how he gets to live in my hse for nothing and enjoy that while i worry about paying for it .

Mr. Incognito

if he's living with you then maybe he should be paying rent, but paying rent to stay over?? I think that's unreasonable. Maybe discuss him moving in and then you can sort out the rent contributions, but I think 7 months isn't long enough and moving in together for the sake of money is a bad idea.

The lifts, well if he hasn't a car that's just a nice thing to do. if you cooked him a meal would you charge him table service?

In relation to the phone, well in my case I would have maybe gone halfs. He does sound a bit scabby though.

Oriel

You lost the phone you pay for it. That shouldn't have anything to do with the house issue.
How many nights a week is "stayin' over quite a bit" exactly?

Maple

you're not living together, you can't ask him for money for the nights that he stays over. he chips in for food etc so thats decent of him, you might have a gripe if he didn't do that.

re; the phone; you lost it, you have to buy him another one. what if the shoe was on the other foot and he lost yours?

and maybe stop giving him lifts everywhere. i know you're doing it to be decent but if its costing you petrol money that you don't have then you're only going to be annoyed by him scabbing lifts everywhere.

you're not mean tho, its just the way of it when you're tightly stretched, you have to watch every penny.

luckat

He sounds like a bit of a leech, tbh.

Tarakiwa

He sounds like a sponge to me!

If your daughter is living in the middle of this relationship then she will end up with a man just like him ............ is that what you want?

LegacyUser

I'd never have made my girlfriend pay for a phone if she broke it, accidents happen. I wouldn't make anyone pay for my phone if they broke it by accident actually.

As it goes for your house and the rent, ask him to officially move in and start going halfs if you want money.

LegacyUser

Sorry but this guy is a free loader. Plain an simple. 7 months may not be a long time but he is just getting away with it because you let him. You need to talk about this and if does not want to help you out then maybe you are not meant to be with him. If I was in his situtation I would without question help out in anyway including financially. He practically lives with you so ask does he want to move in? If he says no then stop him sleeping over at night.

LegacyUser

he stays over 5 to 6 nights of the week. we get on very well and is very good to my dd but i had ignored this up to yesterday. thanks 4 ur replies.

Maple

xxxxxunregxxxxx wrote:

he stays over 5 to 6 nights of the week. we get on very well and is very good to my dd but i had ignored this up to yesterday. thanks 4 ur replies.

jeepers, sure he's practically moved in. do you want him to move in?

missmatty

That seems a lot, he is then practically living with you. And why would he move in and pay when he's getting what he wants without? Hate to be crude but he appears to have the best of all possible worlds.

I guess you need to explain your financial situation to him and see whether he wants to move in, but i would think it's a bit soon. How does your dd get on with him?

corklady

you say he doesn't even stay in the place he rents himself. that must mean he stays with you all the time does it? if it's your place he "comes home to" then you should maybe broach the subject on whether he's already "moved in" or not. i don't think you're mean.
about all the lifts, it's my experience that a lot of men don't seem to think much about the money aspect of what other people do for them. maybe it's the doting mother syndrome! but anyhow, i think that while most women would be conscious of paying petrol money if we get a lot of lifts off someone, i don't think men think that far into it. and he'd probably find it no insult at all if ye find yerselves in a petrol station and you announce "right, your turn to fill it up".
i think ye should've gone halves on the phone as well. he was obviously getting a new phone to replace an older one so he should've had the decency to pay for half. although again, my theory on men not thinking about money like we do! it's not always meanness on their part i think, just apathy / ignorance! does anyone agree???

PeakOutput

xxxxxunregxxxxx wrote:

hi

today i am freaking out over this issue i have with my boyfriend and which i cant really bring up with him until i ve heard some opinions on .

<snip>

yesterday as i was leaving the house he asked me to grab his phone. i got it and while putting my dd in her seat i left the phone on the roof. of course we didnt realise this until much later until it was well gone. ive had to pay for a new phone which is really pissing me off as he gets the value of the phone in free credit anyway and im really broke at the monent . i gave the money but was in a bad mood after it which im ashamed about really but i dont see how it is fully my responsibility . am i mean . i cant stop thinking about how he gets to live in my hse for nothing and enjoy that while i worry about paying for it .

there are two seperate issues here.................he is not paying his way and you should get that sorted or you will jsut resent him and break up over it

BUT

ye you should still have paid for his phone

dinneenp

Maybe he just likes to have his own place that he can go to if he wants. Even if he's staying there very little. If he gives up the other place then it makes it very official and ye're with each other 24/7.

LegacyUser

Does he do anything with your 'dd'? Does he let you go off and do your own thing and does he stay in and mind your kid? I rekon if he pulls his weight in other ways i rekon its fair enough that he doesnt pay rent.

Why dont you stay in his place? Im sure if the roles were reversed he wouldnt ask you to pay rent. Thats the sort of thing you need to ask yourself before you nit pick as small things like that. We are only getting one side of the story here.

With regards to the phone, if i broke someones phone, or lost it i wouldnt have to be asked to replace it, it would have been done right away, i would insist apon it. So imo, your in the wrong there. Then again, if someone broke my phone i wouldnt ask them to replace it, especially my gf. So thats really down to the type of person you are. And yes, money is also an issue for me, but i dont have a kid to look after.

Vegeta

luckat wrote:

He sounds like a bit of a leech, tbh.

No he doesn't.

He's staying at her house not living there. EDIT: hadn't seen the 5/6 nights a week post before writing this reply. So to solve the issue ask him to move in and pay rent

OP ask him to move in and then get him to help with the rent otherwise you have no leg to stand on really. If you want to keep the independance of having your own place then you have to pay the rent.

What would you do if he wasn't your boyfriend, you'd still have to pay the rent anyway.

This would be very easily solved with the following conversation.

OP: " Hey (insert boyfriends name here) please move in. There is no sense in you paying rent for a place you don't stay very often. We could split the bills in my place and spend more time together. Money is a bit tight lately and it would be great if you moved in to help with the rent"

Boyfriend: "Cool sounds good"

The way I look at this is that the only thing he's costing you by staying at your place is a bit of food (which he pays for) bit of electricity and petrol.

If you broke up tomorrow you'd only be saving on the lifts and electricty he uses. So I don't think he's a "scab" or "leech".

Yes you are tight with money but that's not necessarily a bad thing

WindSock

I don't think you are as tight for money as you are tight FOR money. If you are struggling to keep up rent and a life for you and your daughter, then you can't be expected to pay your boyfriends way too. Ask him for some reinbursement in credit, seeing as he now had heaps.

meglome

It may well be that you are just stuck for money and not tight about it at all. If he's just staying over I personally wouldn't ask for rent especially since he still has his own place to pay for and he pays for other stuff. Before my girlfriend moved in she just lived around the corner. It was a bit of a dump so she stayed with me most of the time but I have to be honest it never even entered my head to ask for money. Some people like to have their own place so if he pulls his weight in other areas it seems fine to me. The posts saying he's a freeloader are seriously OTT in my opinion.

Miss Fluff

xxxxxunregxxxxx wrote:

if he needs a lift i drive him and dont ask for anything for that.

Christ on a bike, that's big of you:rolleyes:
You sound like a COMPLETE tight arse to me.

Gumbyman

He's not a decent person. Any decent person would not accept lifts over and over again without offering to pay petrol money. That really annoys me. Also, if my gf broke my phone I would simply not allow her to buy me a new one. Accidents happen. Especially if I was getting the same amount of money in credit ffs! As for rent - staying 6 nights a week and not offering to pay anything (even bills!) - that is the act of an ungentlemanly person. Get rid of him and find somebody who treats you right. Don't even discuss it. Why bother? If he's taking you for granted (and/or a ride) after just 7 months you can expect that he will gradually relegate you to the position of doormat. Move along. Do you love him?

txt_mess

If I was him I would have wrote it off as a mistake and bought myself a new phone not asked for you to buy one, sounds like a bit of a waster to me.

As for the lifts and stayin it is good of you to offer them but you offer things free and people will take advantage. If it is going to be a relationship between the 2 of you I would look at whether you are going to move in together long term or not, if the answer is yes he needs to start going halves on everything that you guys share.

mathie

corklady wrote:

it's my experience that a lot of men don't seem to think much about the money aspect of what other people do for them. maybe it's the doting mother syndrome!

:rolleyes: times infinity

meglome

meglome wrote:

It may well be that you are just stuck for money and not tight about it at all. If he's just staying over I personally wouldn't ask for rent especially since he still has his own place to pay for and he pays for other stuff. Before my girlfriend moved in she just lived around the corner. It was a bit of a dump so she stayed with me most of the time but I have to be honest it never even entered my head to ask for money. Some people like to have their own place so if he pulls his weight in other areas it seems fine to me. The posts saying he's a freeloader are seriously OTT in my opinion.

Meant to say in my previous post that there's no way I would have expected you to buy me a new phone even though you'd left it on the roof. I don't think that's fair as it was an honest mistake and you were giving him a lift.

Fizman

A similar enough thing happened to me and my ex regarding your phone. I was in hospital for a week last october due to a collapsed lung. While getting set for a week there i got my sis's ipod off her. My gf (ex), while saying goodbye one evening, knocked the ipod off my bed by accident. There was a nice little dent in it. I said nothing though. Later on i tried turning it on but it was lifeless. It cost €250 a few months previous, but i didnt mention a thing to my gf as i knew it was the last thing she needed plus it was a complete accident (if a little clumsy ). Anywho my sis had a b'day comin up soon so the parents looked after her with a new one.

As for your bf making you pay for a new one i think that very unfair....he seems tighter than two coats of paint tbh! You dont seem tight....you need to confront him on the matter of rent....simple as. Otherwise you'll be in several similar circumstances with him in the future.

Jumpy

Personally if he lives in a place he pays €25 a week for then he doesnt sound too well off himself. Are you a significantly higher earner than him?
If it is a serious relationship then sharing should be done, but you have to balance it on what is earned.

Beruthiel

Miss Fluff wrote:

Christ on a bike, that's big of you:rolleyes:
You sound like a COMPLETE tight arse to me.

Miss Fluff
You're in this forum long enough to know better than that, I'm surprised at you.
B

r3nu4l

OP if you are asking him to 'stay over' then you are asking him as a guest and therefore he shouldn't pay rent.

However, if he is now taking this for granted then maybe you should consider either allowing him to stay only one or two nights a week or asking him to move in. Whether it's too soon for him to move in is something you need to think about.

If he's moving in then he should pay you rent, if not then limit his stays. This current situation simply allows him to stay as often as he wants using gas, electricity, water etc with no ground rules on payment of rent.

The phone thing...he may have been more annoyed at losing his sim card than anything else, I would be annoyed at that but wouldn't ask you to pay for a new phone!

sweet-rasmus

you are not mean with money and he is using you far too much.

Berbatov

A lots been written in response already. I maybe have a slightly diferent view of things.

When it comes to relationships - and whatever stage they are at for me this applies - money should not be an issue whatsover. By that I don't mean that no matter what someone does (for god or bad) should be completely overlooked - But in a fair and loving relationship each person should be considerate towards the other.

Relationships aren't about money - if one part earns more than the other so what - but consideration would be nice - if he stays and you pay the rent, or if you drive and he doesn't, while not expecting a 'direct refund of all expense spaid' I think you could at least expect him to show his gratitude (although not in a direct way) by for example paying for nights out meals , paying the entire shopping bill etc, without ever drawing any attention to it.

My opinion anyway!!

Mimikyu

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