How to teach kids NOT to be racist

foxy06

Something mortifying happened today in tescos. My 3 year old made a comment about a man with dark skin and I nearly died. I wont type the comment but it was something that would have really offended the man if he heard it but something that an innocent 3 year old wouldn't think strange to say. Myself and my partner would never say what he said and are not really sure how to approach this. I don't want him to look differently at anyone that is different from him but don't know how to handle it. I'm stumped so if anyone has any tips i'd appreciate it.

Deliverance

foxy06 wrote:

Something mortifying happened today in tescos. My 3 year old made a comment about a man with dark skin and I nearly died. I wont type the comment but it was something that would have really offended the man if he heard it but something that an innocent 3 year old wouldn't think strange to say. Myself and my partner would never say what he said and are not really sure how to approach this. I don't want him to look differently at anyone that is different from him but don't know how to handle it. I'm stumped so if anyone has any tips i'd appreciate it.

Was it the 'N' word? Would have been hurtful if the guy had heard it, I think, maybe. If it was my 2yr old that had said that I'd be wondering where she had got it from?

Ps I think from reading some intelligent threads on this forum that there is a difference between racism and obvious difference like skin colour, racial features etc, I think a lot of Irish people are quick to point out difference based on non familiarity to a point, like black etc: Racism is far more sinister and based on a belief of inferiority based firstly on skin colour and features, secondly and more popularly on country of origin like Polish, Romanian etc.

I'm sure that my child will understand that people are different on a multitude of levels, as for the 'N' word, A comedienne once said that the more you say it in a funny way the more it will go away.

foxy06

No it wasn't the 'n' word he basically said that the man looked like something but I don't want to say what for fear of offending someone. It was very innocent on his part and it's not a case of him hearing it from someone else because it was not really a racist comment but would still have been offensive.

Shelli

It's not really racist for a child to point out the likeness of a person to something else, it could just have easily been a fair skined person being compared to something, or someone with a phyisical disfigurement being pointed out.

I think you should just try to teach your child that it's not ok to pass comment on anyones appearance as this will hurt their feelings, don't make an issue out of the persons colour, just tell your child that it's wrong to talk about how people look.

Deliverance

foxy06 wrote:

No it wasn't the 'n' word he basically said that the man looked like something but I don't want to say what for fear of offending someone. It was very innocent on his part and it's not a case of him hearing it from someone else because it was not really a racist comment but would still have been offensive.

Oh, I think I know what you mean, that is kind of funny but only because it was innocent. I would have died myself though.

I don't know what to say about this childhood observation, only that the little one will learn to differentiate on that respect in time, we all come from the same place after all according to Darwin.

It does make you think though about perception and how it can easily be manipulated inn the wrong way as it has been done throughout history. Kinda scary in that respect. But your kid has a good influence so that will make it lesser, as will mine, Tis all we can do really. Maybe more toys that are multi cultural?

Smellyirishman

Shelli wrote:

It's not really racist for a child to point out the likeness of a person to something else, it could just have easily been a fair skined person being compared to something, or someone with a phyisical disfigurement being pointed out.

I think you should just try to teach your child that it's not ok to pass comment on anyones appearance as this will hurt their feelings, don't make an issue out of the persons colour, just tell your child that it's wrong to talk about how people look.

Bingo.

Sounds like you're the racist one OP as you treat the offense differently if it's said with respect to a black man. (jest)

ArthurDent

Like some of the other posters - kids have a tendancy to tell it like it is - if they think someone looks like something they say it - that's not racist - offensive yes, but not racist. My DS(6) told me that I looked like I was still pregnant 'cos my belly was so fat :mad: . I think you just have to get the message across that ANY personal comments are inappopriate. I fondly (not!) remeber a conversation between my then 3 year old and a guy in a wheelchair as to why his legs weren't working (and me wanting to die of embarassment). I know in school one of the teachers has a signal she uses for a kid to mean "stop taking about that now and come and talk to me about it later" - this is very useful - cos in all honesty it's just natural for kids to be curious and question things.

Shellie13

Think its more teach kids not to call names or say rude things then anti-racism!

Reminds me of a debate i heard about big brother recently- A paper comparing Charlie (Black Chick this seaon) a monkey was labled rasist yet bak in season 4 EVERYONE called Jade Goody a pig!
Now neither is very nice but imo to lable one as racist and one as just plain mean (or accurate as so many did)- is in itself racist! People are people you should concentrate on teaching your child to treat EVERONE wit respect irrespective of skin colour or any other differences!

Hootie

Had the same thing happen when my first born was young, after the initial "oh crap I hope nobody heard that" while looking frantically around we simply explained that everybody is different, ie. some people have black hair while others have blonde or red etc, some people have blue eyes and others have brown or green and likewise some people have different colour skin, some darker than others. No big deal was made of it and it simply went away when explained honestly.

Nevyn

You teach children to see people/children not colour not creed not accents.
There will always be time when they are young and still have to learn social boundaires and that personal commnets are rude when they will make comments.

but we shuld not get into a flap and should exp,ain to them that this is how people are and that they are being rude and if needs be get them to say sorry incase they have hurt the person's feelings.

Cultcha

You teach your child to be accepting of and comfortable around people of other races and cultures by being comfortable and accepting yourself. Your child is not racist, he is just interested and expressing that, you have to let little comments go sometimes, they are just learning how to interact. Don't draw attention to the comment because you're sure to hear it again that way.

qwertplaywert

Although a certain deal of Political Correctness is ubsurd in connection with racistism, it is still not acceptable.
Being a teenager, I know Ireland[espically rural] is still an espically rascist country. Everyone from my peers to even my own parents have made geers about people of a different skin colour.
OP-You have to teach your child young, or he will grow up intolerent.

No child is born racist, it's learned from others.
So once you are tolerant, your child will learn from you.

Kids say what they see! My sister's youngest was amazed at a man wearing a turban on the bus. He'd never seen it before and asked him if his head was sore!
She was mortified but the guy laughed and told him yes, he had a very sore head.

WindSock

I think people with different skin/hair/figures/abilities would understand that a child asking a question about them, was not inteded to be mean.
If you went to a country in Africa, and the children there said that you looked like a ghost, would you be offended?

looksee

Foxy06, as some of the other posters have said, this isn't a race issue, it can be just as embarrassing when a child says to a complete stranger or in their hearing 'have you got a baby in your tummy' or 'why is your nose all red'. Fortunately its a phase that doesn't last too long, but all you can do is emphasise to them that it is rude to make comments about people or point at them. Of course it helps if you don't comment on people in the child's hearing too

greenkittie

boreds wrote:

I think people with different skin/hair/figures/abilities would understand that a child asking a question about them, was not inteded to be mean.
If you went to a country in Africa, and the children there said that you looked like a ghost, would you be offended?

When I was little I lived in Malawi and was totally white with white blonde hair and the people (adults included) thought I was a ghost.

foxy06

I should point out that I know my son was in no way racist but what he said, in complete innocence, may be interpreted as racist and that is what I was posting about. It is virtually impossible for a 3 year old be racist but because it is such a sensitive subject I wanted to check if anyone else had gone through a similar experience.
I am not a stupid mother, I know he saw something and spoke about exactly what he saw and I know from experience that children see things and say what they think but I want to know about people who have gently directed the minds of their children towards acceptance of different cultures and races.
Myself and my partner have never said anything that could be interpreted as racist and neither of us are racist in any way shape or form.

ArthurDent

foxy06 wrote:

I should point out that I know my son was in no way racist but what he said, in complete innocence, may be interpreted as racist and that is what I was posting about. It is virtually impossible for a 3 year old be racist but because it is such a sensitive subject I wanted to check if anyone else had gone through a similar experience.
I am not a stupid mother, I know he saw something and spoke about exactly what he saw and I know from experience that children see things and say what they think but I want to know about people who have gently directed the minds of their children towards acceptance of different cultures and races.
Myself and my partner have never said anything that could be interpreted as racist and neither of us are racist in any way shape or form.

I really wouldn't worry to much, I'm sure he'll embarass you much more in years to come! Seriously - just focus in on him understanding that he should not make personal comments about anyone, that he needs to be sensitive to others feelings. It's my understanding that it takes till a child is 4 or 5 until they have ANY realisation that anyone else other than themselves can feel anything (before that everything in the world is dealt with just on th basis of how they feel) probably not explaining that very well. sorry

ceidefields

Well if you freak out like that every time he makes a comment, he'll definitely think that anyone with a different skin colour has to be treated differently.

When my son was four he asked me why everyone considered his best friend Jared to be black when, technically speaking, he was brown. I explained it was just an umbrella term to refer to a different ethnic group.

Kids are very innocent - if they have a question about skin colour, just answer it calmly. If they say something like "that man is scary because he's black" and you lose your life, that just confirms their belief. Just explain that some people have black skin and it's nothing to be scared of.

Comments?

littlebug

I think the most important thing is to teach them not to point and make comments about people at all simply because it's rude. Last week my little one pointed at a coloured man and his sons and started to say something... Methinks "oh holy mother of God how do I handle this... I wish I'd read that thread properly etc etc" and started into a speech of some sort but my daughter intrerrupted me and said "mammy I was only saying they had baldy heads" (and indeed they had). She hadn't even noticed their colour so my mutterings actually did say more about me than her The whole not pointing and not making coments about people is this weeks lesson in manners.

missmatty

It will happen but it can be painful,......:(

When I was six yrs old (and a fairly bright one at that) we were on hols in Scotland at my grandaunt's house. A friend of hers was there too and apparently i said (don't rem)

"Mammy is that a man or a woman?" ouch :eek:

I was told yrs later it wasn't an unreasonable remark after all

\m/_(>_<)_\m/

foxy06 wrote:

Something mortifying happened today in tescos. My 3 year old made a comment about a man with dark skin and I nearly died. I wont type the comment but it was something that would have really offended the man if he heard it but something that an innocent 3 year old wouldn't think strange to say. Myself and my partner would never say what he said and are not really sure how to approach this. I don't want him to look differently at anyone that is different from him but don't know how to handle it. I'm stumped so if anyone has any tips i'd appreciate it.

unfortunately you(or somebody involved in the upbringing of your child) are to blame....sorry but that is the environment that that child is growing up in.

you don't teach a child NOT to be raciest...children are born without a ounce of racism, pure and clean of those horrible traits.

what has happened here is somebody has taught your child to be a raciest (well at 3 he/she hasn't a clue what a racist is ) and thought your child to treat people differently according to the color of their skin...
now that is disgusting...have a chat with whoever thought your child this disgusting behaviour....because trust me somebody did, at the age of 3 the kid didn't make it up him/herself.


now on the other hand if it was an innocent comment about the different skin colour...trust me people can see and tell the difference between and innocent child's comment and a racist comment...
storm in a teacup


sure when we lived in Australia, my two year old was constantly trying to wash the dirty mans face????
no insult was taken from these comments...

hellbell123

i think its a bit harsh 2 blame the OP after all it seems the child made an innocent remark concerning someones appearance..all kids do it !
to expect a child to overcome his / her natural curiousity is asking too much..believe me they find many and varied ways to embarrass us!

helen

\m/_(>_<)_\m/

hellbell123 wrote:

i think its a bit harsh 2 blame the OP after all it seems the child made an innocent remark concerning someones appearance..all kids do it !
to expect a child to overcome his / her natural curiousity is asking too much..believe me they find many and varied ways to embarrass us!

helen

note the first line in the second paragraph....:rolleyes: i presume you did read my full post before you started you moan, although you couldn't have, because the second half of my post address just such issues.:D

hellbell123

i did of course read your post and i wasnt moaning just simply stating that i think the whole issue shouldnt be taken too seriously.. i hav 3 little ones and the 2 who are old enuff have both embarrassed me on countless occasions with ther innocent observations

i think as parents its how we react and deal with these things as they happen that sends the greatest message to our kids..no point throwing a huge wobbly over it really ...imo

\m/_(>_<)_\m/

hellbell123 wrote:

i did of course read your post and i wasnt moaning just simply stating that i think the whole issue shouldnt be taken too seriously.. i hav 3 little ones and the 2 who are old enuff have both embarrassed me on countless occasions with ther innocent observations

i think as parents its how we react and deal with these things as they happen that sends the greatest message to our kids..no point throwing a huge wobbly over it really ...imo

i think i have raised that in the last line of the 3rd paragraph "storm in a teacup"


what exactly is your point, or are you just repeating

hellbell123

just adding my 2 cents ..it is allowed !

MrPudding

Deleted User wrote:

N He'd never seen it before and asked him if his head was sore!
She was mortified but the guy laughed and told him yes, he had a very sore head.

I had a similar experience where my 3 year old asked an Indian woman "what colour are you?" The woman was very good and patiently explained that she was from a different country and sometimes that mean people are a different colour. Mt daughter has not commented on skin colour since.

MrP

foxy06

unfortunately you(or somebody involved in the upbringing of your child) are to blame....sorry but that is the environment that that child is growing up in.

So you think I have a racist in the family?! That is hilarious to me and an example of how the meaning of words and sentences can be lost over the internet. I am well aware that this was an innocent comment and my child is far from racist as am I, my partner and the very few people that my children spend time with without my presence.
What I was asking in the original post was suggestions for trying to avoid situations like these when kids say things in innocence but that can still be hurtful to others. I think I should have thought more about the title I put on the thread.
I have no idea whether the man the comment was aimed at was offended or even heard the comment.....I didn't stick around to find out although I probably should have but was afraid of what else would be said and was just trying damage limitation. My child has learned a lesson from it and so have I.
Bottom line is I am not racist neither is my child and he was not taught to say it, he said it like he saw it.

ceidefields

Foxy - I think another poster hit the nail on the head when they said to make it into a lesson about not making comments about people in public.

Please, just because a child makes a comment doesn't make them and their family raging racists!

foxy06

I completely agree. Sometimes I think people post things just to be argumentative. I know we are far from racist and thats all that matters tto me.