Lots of jokes for Sunday

Capt'n Midnight

A guy goes over to his brother's house all bruised and his clothes torn. His brother says, "Man, where have you been?" "I just got back from burying my mother-in-law," says the guy. "How did you get all bruised and your clothes torn from burying your mother-in-law?" "She wouldn't lie still!"


Q: Why are women unlucky?
A: Because to get some sausage, they have to take the whole pig.


A man walked into a fur store accompanied by beautiful, stacked redhead. "Show my new girlfriend your finest mink," he announced loudly. The storeowner quickly retrieved a full coat, which the redhead tried on and loved. "That coat costs $100,000," the shop owner said. "No problem," the man smiled, "I'll write you a check in full for it right now." "Wonderful!" beamed the shop owner, "Since today is Friday, I'll just hold it for you to pick up on Monday after your check has had a chance to clear the bank." The happy couple left the store. On Monday afternoon, the man returned alone, and was greeted by the owner angrily, "How dare you come back here and show your face again? Didn't you know your check would bounce because of insufficient funds?" "Oh, sure," smiled the happy customer, "But I just came by to thank you for the best weekend of my life."


A guy sees a gal in a bar. Walking up behind her he says, "Hi there, good looking! How's it going?" Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye, and says, "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean, it just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it." Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding? I'm a lawyer, too! What firm are you with?"



The Texas preacher rose with an angry red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one that a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family." No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke. "Reverend, there's been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets!"


Q: Why don't cowboys make good lovers?
A: Because they think a good ride is eight seconds.



A cop stops a man for running a stop sign and the subject gives the cop a lot of grief, claming he did, in fact, stop. After several minutes, the cop explains to the man that he didn't stop, he just slowed down a little. The man says, "Stop or slow down, what's the difference?" The cop promptly pulls the guy out of the car and hits him with a nightstick for about a minute and then says, "Would you like me to stop or just slow down?"


Q: What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.


One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said. "But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also." The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."


A Greek and an Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek says, "We had great mathematicians." The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire." And so on and so on for hours, until finally the Greek lights up and says, "We invented sex." The Italian nods slowly and thinks, then replies, "That is true, but it was Italians who introduced it to women


Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers once every month?
A: Because it says on the box, "Good for up to 20 pounds."


The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.



Q: How can you tell if a man is well-hung?
A: When you can barely slip your finger in between his neck and the
noose.


Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.


A woman was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast. Her husband walks in and she says, "You've got to make love to me this very moment." The husband, thinking it's his lucky day, makes love to her on the kitchen table. Afterward he says, "What was that all about?" She says, "The egg timer's broken!"


Casey came home from the doctor looking very worried. His wife said, "What's the problem?" He said, "The doctor told me I have to take a pill every day for the rest of my life." She said, "So what? Lots of people have to take a pill every day their whole lives." He said, "I know, but he only gave me four pills!"


Soon after marriage, a lady's husband stopped wearing his wedding ring. She asked, "Why don't you ever wear your wedding band?" He replied, "It cuts off my circulation." She answered back, "It's supposed to!"



Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.


Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their mates after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.



A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?" The horse says, "My wife just died."


Q: What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A: Reload and shoot him again.



A woman rushes into the lobby of a large hotel and sprints up to the reception desk. Seeing that the only member of staff is talking on the phone, she hammers on the bell for service. The man at the desk slowly puts down the phone. "Yes?" he says, annoyed. "Excuse me," says the woman, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?" The clerk stares at her for a second and looks her up and down. "Not bad," he smiles. "Not bad at all."



A woman's husband dies. He had $30,000 to his name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is none of the $30,000 left. The friend says, "How can that be?" The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And, of course, I made a donation to the church. That was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone." The friend says, "It was $22,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big is it?" The widow says, "Three carats.


Bob says to his friend Bill, "My doctor says if I don't give up sex, I'll be dead in a week." "Why is that?" Bill asks. Bob replies, "I've been screwing his wife."


An old man goes to the wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."


Q: What's the hardest part about rollerblading?
A: Telling your Dad you're gay.


Q: What's the worst thing about being an atheist?
A: No one to talk to during orgasms.


A traveling salesman finds himself stranded in a small town. He knocks on the door of a little hotel. "Sorry, we don't have a spare room," says the manager, "but you're welcome to share with a little red-headed schoolteacher, if that's all right." "Oh, that'll be great," says the salesman, grinning from ear to ear. "And don't worry, I'll be a real gentleman." "Just as well," says the manager. "So will the little redheaded schoolteacher."


A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking past an empty cart when he heard a woman ask, "Excuse me, did you want that cart?" "No," he answered. "I'm only after one thing." As he walked toward the store, he heard her murmur, "Typical man."


Q: What's the difference between a goat and a goldfish?
A: A goldfish mucks about in fountains.


"You are suffering from what is technically known as an Electra Complex," the psychiatrist says to his blonde patient. "In other words, you are in love with your father," he says to the woman. The blonde breaks down into hysterical sobbing. "Now, now," comforts the doctor. "It's not all that bad." "Yes, yes, it is," blurts out the blonde between sobs. "I have no chance at all. He's a married man!"


Q: What's long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night?
A: A new last name.


Sam was driving down the road and was pulled over by a policeman. Walking up to Sam's car, the policeman said, "Your wife fell out the car five miles back." Sam replied, "Thank god for that. I'd thought I'd gone deaf!"


An elderly woman is upset at her husband's funeral. "You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit," she says. The mortician replies, "We'll take care of it, ma'am." He then yells to a maintenance man nearby, "Ed, switch the heads on two and four!"


A dog thinks, "Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me. They must be Gods!" A cat thinks, "Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me. I must be a God!"


Bill and Lynn had married under rather unfortunate circumstances, and their married life hadn't been anything to brag about either. To everyone's amazement, after living together for 35 years, Bill went to the local judge to ask for an annulment. A date for the hearing was set, and when the time came, the judge demanded to know the grounds on which Bill based his demand for an annulment. "It's like this, your Honor," answered Bill, "I've just learned that Lynn's father never had a license to carry a gun."


Lance Armstrong's record-setting seventh Tour de France victory, along with his entire Tour de France legacy, may be tarnished by what could turn out to be one of the greatest sports scandals of all time. Armstrong is being quizzed by French police after three banned substances were found in his South France hotel room while on vacation after winning the 2005 Tour de France. The three substances found were toothpaste, deodorant, and soap, which have been banned by French authorities for more than 75 years. Armstrong's girlfriend, American rocker Sheryl Crowe, is quoted as saying, "We use them every day in America, so we naturally thought they'd be O.K. throughout Europe." Along with these three banned substances, French authorities also physically searched Armstrong and found several other interesting items that they had never seen before, including a backbone and testicles.


An old man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up." "That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down."


Dan married one of a pair of identical twins. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce. "OK," the judge said, "Tell the court why you'd like a divorce." "Well, your honor," Dan started, "Every once in awhile my sister-in-law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical-looking, occasionally I'd end up making love to her by mistake." "Surely there must be some difference between the two women," the judge said. "You'd better believe there's a difference, your honor. That's why I want the divorce," he replied.


A beautiful young woman, about to undergo a minor operation, is lying on a gurney in a hospital corridor awaiting the medical staff. A man in a white coat approaches her, lifts up the sheet, and visually examines her naked body. He walks away and confers with another man in a white coat. The second man then approaches the girl and performs the same examination. When a third man approaches her, she asks impatiently, "These examinations are fine, but when are you going to start the operation?" He shrugs and says, "Your guess is as good as mine, lady. We're just here to paint the halls."


A fellow in a bar notices a woman come in on a fairly regular basis, always alone. After the second week, he made his move. "No, thank you," she said, politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love." "That must be rather difficult," the man replied. "Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."


Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "No." And the guy lived happily ever after and went golfing and fishing a lot. The end.


A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup, the doctor comes out with the results of the examination. "I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says. "Oh, no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks. "Ten," says the doctor. "Ten? Ten, what? Months? Weeks?" he asks desperately. The doctor says, "Nine."


Bob went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy." "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." "How much do you charge?" "A hundred dollars per visit." "I'll sleep on it," said Bob. Six months later, the doctor met Bob on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. "For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for $10." "Is that so? How?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"


One day, a mechanic was working late under a car and some brake fluid dripped into his mouth. The next day, he told his buddy about tasting the brake fluid. "Not bad," he said. "Think I'll have a little more today." His friend got a little concerned, but didn't say anything. The next day, he told his friend about drinking a cup full of the brake fluid. "Great stuff! I think I'll have some more today," he said. A few days later, he was up to a bottle a day. His friend was really worried. "You know that brake fluid is poison and really bad for you. You better stop drinking that," his friend pleaded. "Hey, no problem," said the mechanic, "I can stop any time."


A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."


Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a terrible fight!" "Calm down, my child," said the minister, "It's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!" "I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the body?"


A young man comes up to the border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The border guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answers the young man. The guard is a bit skeptical and asks the young man to turn over the bags for inspection. The guard empties the bags, but finds nothing in them but sand. He detains the young man overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The young man is released and promptly rides across the border with his sandbags. A week later, the same young man presents himself at the border. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says the young man. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to the young man who then rides across the border on his bicycle with the sandbags. This sequence of events is repeated every week for three years. Finally, the young man no longer appears at the border crossing. Many months go by and the border guard sees the young man in a cafe. "Hey," says the guard, "For three years you were smuggling something through my crossing station. It's driving me crazy. Just between you and me, what were you smuggling?" The young man sips his coffee and says, "Bicycles."


Bill walks into a pharmacy and asks for a bottle of Viagra. The pharmacist says, "Do you have a prescription?" Bill says, "No, but here's a picture of my wife."


A hunter walking through the jungle found a huge, dead rhino with a pigmy standing beside it. Amazed, he asked, "Did you kill that?" The pigmy said, "Yes." The hunter asked, "How could a little guy like you kill a huge beast like that?" The pigmy said, "I killed it with my club." The hunter was astonished and asked, "How big is your club?" The pigmy replied, "There's about 60 of us."


A nun feels guilty and goes to confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret. She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit." The priest says, "That's not so serious, Sister. Just say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels."


Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it's worth it.


Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something clever?
A: When she starts her sentence with, "A man once told me..."


Q: Why are the Japanese so smart?
A: No blondes.


There was a fellow talking to his buddy one day. The guy said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it? She'll probably be thrilled!" So, the first fellow did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it," says his friend. "She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours!'"


After reading the morning headlines about the recent stock market downturn, a high-powered executive, trying to impress a client in his office, flipped on his intercom switch and barked to his secretary, "Miss Hunter, get my broker!" The client was impressed until he heard the secretary's voice saying, "Yes, sir, stock or pawn?"


John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, my dear." "Of course, John, " his wife said softly. "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob." "But I thought you hated Bob," she said. With his last breath John said, "I do!"


A little girl in church asks her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" Her mother says, "White is the color of joy, and today is most joyful day of her life." The little girl thinks for a moment, then asks, "Then, why is the groom wearing black?"


Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: Both of them.


Experts say there are two reasons why it is nearly impossible to solve a redneck murder. One, all the DNA is the same. Two, there are no dental records.


An eight-year-old kid swaggered into the lounge and demanded of the barmaid, "Give me a double Scotch on the rocks." "What do you want to do, get me in trouble?" the barmaid asked. "Maybe later," the kid said. "Right now, I just want the Scotch."


Q: What do you give a man who's got everything?
A: Penicillin.


A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his father he has a part in the play. The boy's father asks, "What part is it? The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The father scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
Women believe if a pet cat strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
Women believe if a pet dog strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
Women believe if a woman strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
Women believe if a man strays, it's because men are scum.

Y'know I opened this with a small amount of dread, Captain, but I'm glad I did. Good Work!

Capt'n Midnight

One morning, a man calls his boss to tell him he'll be out sick. The boss presses for specifics, and the man says, "Sir, I have rectal glaucoma." "And what does that mean?" asks the boss. The man replies, "I just can't see my ass coming in to work today."


A man went before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviewed some papers, then said, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce." "Because," the man said, "I live in a two-story house." The judge replied, "What kind of a reason is that? What's the big deal about a two-story house?" The man answers, "Well, your honor, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.'"


One morning after a lost weekend , a guy rolled over, and sleeping peacefully beside him was the ugliest girl he'd ever seen. Very quietly, he slipped his arm out from under her, got up, and dressed as fast as he could. He put a €20 bill on the bureau and started to tiptoe out. Just then he felt a tug on his pants leg. Looking down, he saw a girl even uglier than the one in the bed. She looked up at him, smiled a toothless smile, and asked, "Nothing for the bridesmaid?"


Eva is talking to her best friend. "I have to be damned careful not to get pregnant," Eva says. "I thought your husband had a vasectomy," her friend says. Eva replies, "He did!"


Bill, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the country club with a breathtakingly beautiful 25-year-old blonde on his arm. She's hanging on his every word. His buddies at the club are aghast. They corner him and ask, "Bill how did you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bill replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They're stunned, but continue to inquire about Bill's companion. "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?" Bill says, "I lied about my age." His friends respond, "What do you mean? Did you tell her you were only 50?" Bill smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90.


A blonde fell for her new dentist and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate encounters in the dental clinic after hours. One day, he said sadly, "Laura, honey, we have to stop seeing each other. Your husband's bound to get suspicious." "No way, sweetie, he's dumb as a post," she assured him. "Besides, we've been messing around for six months now and he doesn't suspect a thing." "True," agreed the dentist, "but you're down to one tooth!"


According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is her eyes. Women say the first thing they notice about men is that they're a bunch of liars.


Q: Did you hear about the girl who went on a fishing trip with six guys?
A: She came back with a red snapper.


A synonym is a word you use in place of one you can't spell. LOL


For Mike's birthday, his wife wanted to surprise him when he came home from work. After some careful consideration, she decided to strip naked and wrap herself in cling film from her shoulders to her ankles. Soon, Michael enters his house exhausted from a tough day at work. Mike walks through the kitchen, puts his lunchbox down, and hears his wife say, "Honey, I'm in the living room." Rounding the corner, he spots her wrapped up in plastic. After a quick peek, he sighs and says, "Leftovers again!"


Marvin had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist. At the psychiatrist's office, Marvin spilled his guts, then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better. The psychiatrist asked Marvin a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face. Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "I think your problem is low self-esteem. It's very common among losers."


Q: What do Disney World and Viagra have in common?
A: They both make you wait an hour for a two-minute ride.


The boss went up to the bartender and asked, "Have you been fooling around with the waitress?" "Oh no, sir, I sure haven't," replied the bartender. The boss replied, "Good, then you fire her!"


Q: Did you hear about the new form of birth control for blondes?
A: They take off their makeup.


The wife appeared before the judge and said, "I want a divorce from that jerk over there." The judge said, "Why do you want the divorce?" "Because he's a terrible lover." The judge asked, "How long have you been married?" "Fourteen years," she replied. "I don't understand. Why did you wait 14 years to divorce your husband for being a terrible lover?" She said, "Because, your honor, until this insurance salesman stopped by my house last week, I didn't know."


Q: What do most drummers get on an I.Q. test?
A: Drool.


A man went into the doctor's office and had a full exam. Ten minutes after the exam the doctor returned and said, "Mr. Johnson, I have some good news and some bad news." The patient said, "Give me the bad news first, Doc." The doctor said, " Well, you've got a rare cancer and you have three weeks to live." The patient replied, " Well, Doc, that was kind of harsh, but what's the good news?" "Well Mr. Johnson, do you see that good-looking nurse over there?" the doctor said. "I'm sleeping with her."


The seven-year-old told her mother that a little boy in her class asked her to play doctor. "Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?" "Nothing," said the little girl, "he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."


Q: How does a man know when his wife is losing interest?
A: When her favorite sexual position is "next door."


A couple hasn't been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, "I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday." You can imagine her disappointment. The next year, her birthday rolls around again and he doesn't get her anything. She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present?" He says, "Why should I? You didn't use what I got you last year."


The husband had just finished a book titled, "Man of the House." He stormed into the house and walked right up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me a bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" "The funeral director?" said his wife


For more than an hour, a man sat at a bar staring into his glass. Suddenly a burly truck driver sat down next to him, grabbed the guy's drink and gulped it down. The poor fellow burst into tears. "Oh, come on, pal," the truck driver said. "I was just joking. Here I'll buy you another one." "No, that's not it," the man blubbered. "This has been the worst day of my entire life. This morning I was late for work and ended up getting fired. When I left the office I found my car had been stolen, so I had to walk 10 miles to get home. Then I walked in and found my wife with another man, so I came here. And just when I'm about to end it all, you show up and drink my poison!"



Joe and Bill were sitting in a bar, and Joe was looking really down in the dumps. "What's the matter?" Bill asked. "I don't get it," Joe sighed. "The dating scene is so confusing. There are so many people you have to please. Like this one woman. She liked me, her mother liked me, but her father hated me. Then there was this other woman, both of her parents really liked me, but she didn't like me. And then there was this woman I met last night. She absolutely loved me, her parents seemed to really like me too, but her husband couldn't stand me!"


When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new, or the wife is.


A man was wandering around a fairground and saw a fortune teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down. "Ah," said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children." "That's what you think," said the man scornfully. "I'm the father of three children." The woman grinned and said, "That's what you think."


A family was having dinner. For some reason, the mother was unusually quiet. Finally, the husband asked what was wrong. "Nothing," said the woman. Not buying it, he asked again. "Seriously, what's wrong?" "Do you really want to know?" she asked. "Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's Day, you didn't even tell me so much as a 'thank you.'" "Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father's Day gift." "Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."


John was talking to Alan. "So, Alan, how's it going with the ladies?" "Women, to me, are nothing but sex objects," said Alan. John asked, "Really?" "Yep," said Alan, "whenever I mention sex, they object."

Capt'n Midnight

A guy walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar. "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" he said to her. "I don't know," replied the beautiful young woman. "It depends how personal it is." "OK," the guy said. "How many men have you slept with?" "I'm not going to tell you that!" the woman exclaimed. "That's my business!" "Sorry," said the guy, "I didn't realize you made a living from it."


A man goes to a psychologist and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful. Every evening, she goes to Manny's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her, and she'll do whatever they want. I'm going crazy! What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the doctor. "Take a deep breath and calm down. Now tell me, where exactly is Manny's bar?"


A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!" The cop asked, "What's he like?" The little boy replied, "Beer and women


Q: How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A: From a catalogue.



Q: How do you get two bagpipers to play in unison?
A: Shoot one!


Q: What are the three types of men?
A: The handsome, the caring and the majority.


Q: Why do bagpipers walk as they play?
A: To get away from the sound.


One evening a man walks into a dentist's office and says, "Excuse me, can you help me? I think I'm a moth." The dentist replies, "You don't need a dentist, you need a psychiatrist." The man says, "Yes, I know." The dentist asks, "Then why did you come in here?" The man says, "The light was on."


The husband says, "Put your coat on, I'm going to the bar." His surprised wife says, "You're taking me out for a drink?" The husband says, "Don't be silly. I'm turning off the heat."


A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says, "I'll miss you."


A guy runs into his ex-girlfriend at a bar. "I had sex with another woman last night," he tells her. "But I was thinking of you the whole time." "You miss me that much?" she asks. "No," he says, "But it kept me from finishing too fast."


A chubby woman was at her Weight Watchers meeting. "My husband insists I come to these meetings because he'd rather have sex with a woman with a trim figure," she lamented to the woman next to her. "Well," the other woman replied, "what's wrong with that?" The first woman said, "He likes to do it while I'm stuck at these damn meetings."


A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket. The suspicious man opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."


Q: What do you get when you mix holy water with prune juice?
A: A religious movement.


A man approaches a beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asks, "I've lost my girlfriend. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Sure, but I don't understand how that would help," the well-endowed beauty says. "Well," says the man, "every time I talk to a woman with boobs like yours, my girlfriend appears out of nowhere."


In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has the generic name of acetominophen. Aleve is called naproxen. Amoxil is also called amoxicillin and Advil is also called ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixadud, dixafix and, of course, ibepokin.


A little boy went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" His father replied, "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, because I still have mine.


A man went into a brothel in Las Vegas and said, "I'll give $20,000 to any woman here who'll come into the desert with me and do it my way." One of the ladies agreed, and off they went into the desert. After about an hour she gets curious, and asks him, "Just what is your way?" "On credit," he replies.


At a big cocktail party, an obstetrician's wife noticed another guest, a big, over-sexed blonde, was making overtures toward her husband. It was a large, informal gathering, so she tried to laugh it off until she saw them disappear into a bedroom together. At once she rushed into the room, pulled the two apart and screamed, "Look lady, my husband just delivers babies, he doesn't install them!"


After spending a night at a hotel with a prostitute, the politician took $300 out of his wallet and placed it on the dressing table. "Thanks," she said. "But I only charge $20." "Twenty bucks for the entire night?" the amazed politician replied. "You can't make a living on that." "Oh, don't worry," the prostitute replied. "I do a little blackmail on the side!"



One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches. An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen. "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said. "Tell me, where's this man now?" "Flat on his ass over by the holy water," said the boy.


A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process told him he needed to enter a password. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock his spouse a little. When the computer asked for a password, he typed in "penis." His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied, "Please enter another password. Not long enough."


A man sat in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said. "Give me the bad news first." "Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars." "That's the bad news?" asked the man incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news." "The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."


A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again, " she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day. He put her on every ride in the park—the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, a hotdog, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy. Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "You idiot, I meant my dress size!"


Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A: You cry when you cut up an onion.


Buford comes home from work and his wife is in the kitchen on all fours, wearing nothing but her bathrobe, scrubbing the kitchen floor. He comes up behind her, lifts up her robe, makes love to her and then smacks her in the head. She screams, "Buford! I let you do something so nice—what'd you hit me for?" He says, "For not looking to see who it was!"


I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client. "First the bad news. The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene." "Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?" "Your cholesterol is down to 140."



Q: What's the best form of birth control after age 50?
A: Nudity.



A woman walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic. The druggist asks "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?" The lady says, "To kill my husband." "I can't sell you any for that reason," says he druggist. The woman then reaches into her purse, pulls out a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position and shows it to the druggist. The druggist is shocked to see that the woman in the photo is his own wife, and the man is the woman's husband. The druggist looks at the photo and says, "Oh, I didn't know you had a prescription!"



Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent. It's called wedding cake.


An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and says to the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver says, "'Bout what?"



A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach and gold Rolex." "But you are not wearing any of those things," said the artist. "I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."



The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?" A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"


Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.


Two lawyers are leaving the office. "I can't wait to get home," says one of them. "As soon as I walk in the door, I'm going to rip my wife's panties right off." "I know the feeling," the other says. "No, I'm serious," says the first. "They're killing me."



The attractive young woman was about to go to bed with her blind date when she burst into tears. "I'm afraid you'll get the wrong idea about me," she said between sobs. "I'm really not that kind of girl!" "I believe you," her date said, as he tried to comfort her. "You're the first one," she gulped. "The first one to make love to you?" he asked. "No, silly," she replied. "The first one to believe me!"


Q: Why don't Italians like Jehovah's Witnesses?
A: Because Italians don't like any witnesses.



In California, there's a six-month waiting period for filing for divorce, but only a 15-day waiting period for buying a handgun. It's nice to know the government is giving us advice on how to work out our problems.


Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you get between the right man and the right woman.


A man said to his wife, "Honey, what do you say that tonight we change positions?" "OK," she said. "You stand by the ironing board and I'll lie on the
sofa and watch TV."



A blond called the fire department. She screams into the phone, "Hurry, come quick! My house is on fire!" The fireman replied, "OK, but how do we get to your house?" The blond said, "Uh, red truck!"


Q: What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
A: Skeet.


Q: What do you call a woman who knows exactly where her husband is every night?
A: A widow.



After coming home sad from a date, a young woman told her mother: "Tom proposed to me tonight." "So, why are you unhappy?" her mother asked. "Because he told me he's an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell." "Marry him anyway," her mother said. "Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."


A patient says, "Doc, I feel like I'm shrinking." The doctor replies, "Well, you'll just have to be a little patient."



A couple met at a golf resort and fell in love. They were discussing how they would continue the relationship after their vacations were over. "It's only fair to warn you, Judy, I'm a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep and breathe golf." "Well, since you're being honest, so will I," she said. "I'm a hooker." "I see," said Bill as he thought for a moment. "Well, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."


A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags, I won the damn lottery!" The husband says, "Oh my gosh, this is great! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" She yells back, "It doesn't matter, just get the hell out!"


Q: How can you recognize a French war veteran?
A: Sunburned armpits.


A distraught patient says to her psychiatrist, "Doctor, I keep seeing into the future!" The psychiatrist asks, "When did this start happening?" The woman replies, "Next Thursday."


Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."



A woman is furiously going at it with her husband's best friend when the phone rings. She hops out of bed to answer it. She says, "Hello. OK. Bye." "Who was that?" asks the guy. "Just my husband," she replies. "Oh, crap, I'd better get out of here. Did he say where he was?" "Don't worry," says the woman. "He said he's down at the bar playing a few games of pool with you."




A newcomer to Portland arrives on a rainy day. She gets up the next day and it's raining. It also rains the day after that, and the day after that. She goes out to lunch and sees a young kid and, out of despair, asks, "Hey, kid, does it ever stop raining around here?" The kid says, "How should I know? I'm only six."


Q: How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A: Marry it.


Bob wasn't too happy with his doctor's recommendation to cure his constant fatigue. "You want me to give up sex completely, Doc?" he cried. "I'm a young guy. I'm in the prime of my life. How do you expect me to give up sex and go cold turkey?" "Well," replied the doctor, "you could get married and taper off gradually."


Two priests and a rabbi were asked the following question, "When you are in your casket, and friends, family and congregates are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say?" The Episcopal priest answered, "I would like to hear them say that I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader and a great family man." The Catholic priest answered, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful teacher and a servant of God who made an enormous difference in people's lives." The rabbi answered, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving.'"


An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. "Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy." "Oh, I'll let my husband know as soon as I get home." "That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!" Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" "He said the reflector is broken." "I can fix that in two minutes. Anything else?" "I'm not sure, something about the hand brake."



There was an artist who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes, and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months. As usual, his model reported, and after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the day's work. He told her not to bother, that he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He added that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed. The model said "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the least I can do." He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too. They were sitting in the living room just exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea, when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps. "Oh my God!" he barked, "It's my wife. Quick, take all your clothes off!"



Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.


Q: What have men and floor tiles got in common?
A: If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.



A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. For dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs. Most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die," she replied.


Q: What is a man's idea of safe sex?
A: A padded headboard.



A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution. He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him. The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said,"Yes, I can put you right." After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel. The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells, "You bastard, you gave me a woman's ears." "Well, an ear is an ear, it makes no difference whether it is a man's or a woman's." "You're wrong," said the man, "I hear everything, but I don't understand a thing!"



A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures—the whole thing is just a mess. An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away. After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like an engineer, we're looking for the height and he gives us the length."


A doctor, a nurse and the top executive of the HSE have all died and are in line together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter speaks with them and asks what good each has done in their life. The doctor said, "I have devoted my life to the sick and needy and have had a part in caring for, and healing thousands of poor people." St. Peter said, "That's great. Go ahead in to heaven. And what about you, dear?" The nurse said, "I've supported the good doctor and his patients my entire life as an adult." St. Peter replied, "Wonderful. Please proceed in with the doctor. And what about you?" The HSE director said, "I was the president of a very large HSE and was responsible for the healthcare of millions of people all over the country." St. Peter said, "Oh, I see. Please go in, but you can only stay two nights!"


Q. What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
A. Sexual harassment.
Q. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
A. $3.99 a minute.


Did you hear about the gay leprechaun? He came out of the cupboard.


Q: Why do brunettes know so many blonde jokes?
A: It gives them something to do on Saturday night.


Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A. Phone and tell her.



One day, a man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant. "No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"


Q: Why do so many women fake orgasm?
A: Because so many men fake foreplay.


The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned." "What is it, child?" "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am." The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin. It's just a mistake.


A man and his wife of more than 50 years were rocking back and forth on the front porch. Slowly they rocked, then suddenly the wife stopped, grabbed her cane, and with a loud and hard whack hit her husband across the shins. His eyes watered, he gasped, "What'd you do that for?" "That's for 50 years of bad sex," she said. He nodded his head, but said nothing. Slowly they began to rock again. Back and forth, back and forth they rocked, until suddenly the man stopped, and picked up his cane. He reached over and with a loud, sharp whack, he hit his wife across the shins. As soon as she could speak she asked, "What was that for?" "That," said her husband as he began to rock again, "is for knowing the difference."


An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she stated, "I'd like to have some birth control pills." Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75-years-old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?" The woman responded, "They help me sleep better." The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?" The old lady replied, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."



"You know," a guy told his buddies, "I'm a lucky man. I never realized how much my wife loved me until the other day when I had to stay home sick from work." "What did she do?" someone asked. "She was so happy to have me home," he said, "That every time someone came to the door, like the mailman or milkman, she'd shout, 'My husbands home! My husband's home!'"


A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she came to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, the girl replied, "They will in a minute.


Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged. "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on Earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs," said Eve.



A midget complained to his doctor that his testicles ached all the time. The physician told the midget to drop his pants. The doctor then lifted him up onto the table to take a look. Putting one finger under the left testicle, the doctor had the midget cough. The midget coughed. Then, putting his finger under the right testicle, the doctor asked the midget to cough again, which he did. "Ah-ha!" said the doctor, as he reached for his surgical scissors. He snipped on the right side, then on the left. The doctor then told the midget to pull up his pants and see if he still ached. The midget was delighted with the result. He walked around the doc's office and his testicles did not ache. "What did you do, Doc?" he asked. The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."



A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?" "No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."




Jon came home in great excitement and said to his wife, "Judy, love, you'll never believe it, dear, but I've discovered an entirely new position for lovemaking." "Really," she said, interested at once. "What is it?" "Back to back," Jon replies. "But that's crazy. We can't do anything back to back." "Yes we can," he says. "I've persuaded another couple to help out!"



An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry. Before the wedding, they had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully. "Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently," she responded. "Infrequently," he said, "is that one word or two?"




At a paternity trial, the blonde's lawyer asked, "On the night of July 16th, at approximately 11:45 p.m., in the locale known generally as Lover's Lane, did the defendant have sexual relations with you?" "Yes," whispered the girl, her head bowed. "And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best of your knowledge, have a climax?" the lawyer continued. "Oh, no," she replied, "he had one of them real fancy Mazdas."



A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She asked, "Do you have Viagra?" "Yes," he answered. She asked, "Does it work?" "Yes," he answered. "Can you get it over the counter?" she asked. "I can if I take two," he answered.



A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. Realizing she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "Pull over!" "No," the blonde yelled back, "it's a scarf!"



A young guy was complaining to his boss about the problems he was having with his stubborn girlfriend. "She gets me so angry sometimes I feel like I could just strangle her," the young man exclaimed. "Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife," replied the boss. "Whenever she got out of hand, I'd take her pants down and spank her." Shaking his head, the young guy replied, "That doesn't work. Once I get her pants down I'm not mad at her anymore."

darkskol

It took me an age to get through them all but it was worth it

Hagar

Nice work Capt'n.

jacQues

Brilliant stuff; five stars!

jacQues
(laughing hamster)

angelsfire

This guy walks into a bar and sits down and orders a beer. Soon he notices music coming from somewhere but doesn't see any juke box or anything that would be playing music. So he asks the bartender where that music is coming from? The guy behind the bar says " oh that's my 12 inch pianist playing music this evening". What the customer ask??? The bartender say yeah look over the bar I have one sitting right here! So the guy looks over the bar and there on the floor beside the bartender is this little guy playing a tiny little piano! Wow that is totally amazing says the customer...where on earth did you get him??? The bartender says he has a fairy in the closet in the back and she gave it to him. The customer says OMG really?? Yes the bartender says and if you would like to you can go and make one wish, but do make sure you speak loundy as she is a bit deaf. Wow the customer says and goes to the closet and opens the door and sure enough there is a fairy in there. So he goes in and closes the door and thinks for a minute what to wish for....so he know he must with for a million bucks. So he says to the fairy...."I wish for a million bucks".....poof all these ducks start hitting the guy in the chest bang bang bang....thousands of ducks everywhere...he opens the door and runs out of the cloest. So all the ducks are gone and he goes up to the bartender and says what the fcuk was that all about I wished for a million bucks and instead I got a million ducks....the bartender looks at the guy and says " do you really think I wanted a 12 inch pianist"???

angelsfire

What's better than one rose on a piano??
Two lips on an organ!:rolleyes:

angelsfire

A Northerner, a Mexican and a Redneck go out hunting one weekend. They drive for hours to a forest in the middle of nowhere. They unload all their gear and set up camp. The Northerner says to the other two " ok I will go out first and be back in a few hours" So the guy loads up his gear and heads out into the woods. Aobut 6 hours later the guy comes out of the woods with a big ole buck around his shoulders. The redneck comes running up to him and says "Wow how did you do that??" The Northerner says well I found the tracks, followed the tracks and bang I shot him". Cool says the Redneck. So the Mexican says "Ok well I will go into the woods next" and he loads up his gear and head out. About 10 hours later the Mexican comes back with a big ole buck around his shoulders. The Redneck runs up to him and says " Wow how did you do that??" The Mexican says" well I found the tracks, followed the tracks and bang I shot him" "cool" says the redneck. So it's the rednecks turn to head out so he loads up his gear and heads off into the woods. 24 hours go by and his buddies are really starting to worry where the hell he is....so they decide to give him a few more hours to put in an appearance. 6 hours later the redneck finally comes crawling out of the woods all beat to S*$^. The guys go running up to him and ask " where the heck have you been and what happened??" The redneck answers " Well I found the racks, followed the tracks and bang the train ran over me"

LMAOOO:eek:

Spud83

Capt'n Midnight wrote:

Lance Armstrong's record-setting seventh Tour de France victory, along with his entire Tour de France legacy, may be tarnished by what could turn out to be one of the greatest sports scandals of all time. Armstrong is being quizzed by French police after three banned substances were found in his South France hotel room while on vacation after winning the 2005 Tour de France. The three substances found were toothpaste, deodorant, and soap, which have been banned by French authorities for more than 75 years. Armstrong's girlfriend, American rocker Sheryl Crowe, is quoted as saying, "We use them every day in America, so we naturally thought they'd be O.K. throughout Europe." Along with these three banned substances, French authorities also physically searched Armstrong and found several other interesting items that they had never seen before, including a backbone and testicles.

Doesn't poor auld lance only have one ball?

jobonar

my god that was long! very good tho!