GF wants to go debs with other guy

BaZmO*

Lemming wrote:

Jeez, wtf is it with people doing this constant "guys don't have girl friends, they want to jump eveything in a skirt" crap that goes on. B*llocks!! YOU may not be able to on account of having a) lack of willpower and/or b) insecurities, but that's not to tell everyone else that they can't either because you don't believe it yourself.

Haha!! So now a guy is insecure and lacks willpower if he fancies a female friend? I think it's you that needs to get a grip!

humanji

Now, maybe the few debs that I've been to were very tame, but from my experience, they're not orgies. Because someone takes you to the debs, doesn't mean you're going to be shagging them in the middle of the dance floor. It's like any other night out except you're dressed up.

OP, if you're gf cheats on you at the debs, it's nothing to do with the debs or the guy she went with. It's to do with her being a slut. So you just have to trust her not to be one and to just go and have a great time.

Hail 2 Da Chimp

I'd say no way, sounds a bit dodgy. Fair enough asking a friend to go to the deb's but not if she's already going out with someone.
Make it nice and clear to her she is not going...

py2006

Hail 2 Da Chimp wrote:

I'd say no way, sounds a bit dodgy. Fair enough asking a friend to go to the deb's but not if she's already going out with someone.
Make it nice and clear to her she is not going...

jaysus. he can't tell her not to go! She can go if she wants to! Although if she can see the reaction it is having on her boyfriend she should give it a little thought first!

Beruthiel

Hail 2 Da Chimp wrote:

Make it nice and clear to her she is not going...

I presume you are joking?

Talliesin

BaZmO* wrote:

Haha!! So now a guy is insecure and lacks willpower if he fancies a female friend?

Well made point that completely disproves an imaginary post that was nothing like the one you were replying to.

Lemming didn't say it was impossible to fancy a friend. Nor do I see what relevance the fact that one can fancy a friend has.

In summary; WTF?

PeakOutput

Hail 2 Da Chimp wrote:

Make it nice and clear to her she is not going...

how i laughed OUT LOUD

Hail 2 Da Chimp

Hail 2 Da Chimp wrote:

I'd say no way, sounds a bit dodgy. Fair enough asking a friend to go to the deb's but not if she's already going out with someone.
Make it nice and clear to her she is not going...

Yeah, I think some places sell chastity belts still

Vegeta

Hail 2 Da Chimp wrote:

I'd say no way, sounds a bit dodgy. Fair enough asking a friend to go to the deb's but not if she's already going out with someone.
Make it nice and clear to her she is not going...

Wow, you must have a time machine and be spending too much time in the 1920's. That is relationship suicide.

Most people don't deal with ultimatums too well

BaZmO*

Talliesin wrote:

WTF?

Indeed.

DaDa

OP... your G/F showed you respect by checking to see what your feelings on the situation would be (since it's a tight bunch of mates, including him, she was perfectly in her right to just say she was going).

Show her the same respect (all the while earning brownie points) by saying that you trust her and you hope she enjopys the night.

Someone also suggested you getting out on that night too.. good idea... go hook up with a mate(s) or do something that you've been meaning to treat yourself to.

el tel

The interloper who has asked your girl to the debs is a cheeky slabber. Any guy with an ounce of sense would never* ask a girl out in the knowledge that she already has a man.

*there are two exceptions however:

(i) He's a total nerd - an ugly, spotty, goof and can't get a proper date so he has to ask a friend. He should be of no concern to you and you should let her go with the loser as he won't be getting to cop off with her and you will be doing an act of charity.

(ii) He's a player and he wants your girl. He has asked her to go with him and thus is making his move. He is disrespecting you to your face and he knows what he is about. He's calling you a wuss and is goading you on. He wants to have his meat hooks all over her and wants you to know all about it. He's Biff Tannen and you are George McFly (your girl is Lorraine Baines). You are gonna have to put a stop to this Enchantment Under the Sea bull**** and I'm sorry NiSmO but there'll be no Calvin Klein arriving in from 1985 to help you out. Let me tell you buddy, it is so NOT hip to be square.

cance

el tel wrote:

(ii) He's a player and he wants your girl. He has asked her to go with him and thus is making his move. He is disrespecting you to your face and he knows what he is about. He's calling you a wuss and is goading you on. He wants to have his meat hooks all over her and wants you to know all about it. He's Biff Tannen and you are George McFly (your girl is Lorraine Baines). You are gonna have to put a stop to this Enchantment Under the Sea bull**** and I'm sorry NiSmO but there'll be no Calvin Klein arriving in from 1985 to help you out. Let me tell you buddy, it is so NOT hip to be square.

PeakOutput

el tel wrote:

The interloper who has asked your girl to the debs is a cheeky slabber. Any guy with an ounce of sense would never* ask a girl out in the knowledge that she already has a man.

*there are two exceptions however:

(i) He's a total nerd - an ugly, spotty, goof and can't get a proper date so he has to ask a friend. He should be of no concern to you and you should let her go with the loser as he won't be getting to cop off with her and you will be doing an act of charity.

(ii) He's a player and he wants your girl. He has asked her to go with him and thus is making his move. He is disrespecting you to your face and he knows what he is about. He's calling you a wuss and is goading you on. He wants to have his meat hooks all over her and wants you to know all about it. He's Biff Tannen and you are George McFly (your girl is Lorraine Baines). You are gonna have to put a stop to this Enchantment Under the Sea bull**** and I'm sorry NiSmO but there'll be no Calvin Klein arriving in from 1985 to help you out. Let me tell you buddy, it is so NOT hip to be square.

what an absolute load of crap

firstly as carlsberg say its never just a or b

secondly i went with a friend as i got stood up last minute and without blowing my own trumpet im defo not a spotty geeky ugly loser

thirdly the fact that you cannot have a relationship with a girl without wanting to score them says so much more about you than it does about the op's g/f or her friend

the only reason people are saying the friend wants to score her is that the op says he dosnt like this guy therefore we assume he is a bad person however he has been a long term friend of the girl and im sure if he wanted to he could of scored her before she was with the op

Stench Blossoms

You don't own her. Let her go.

As other posters have said if she does end up being with him well then your probably better off without her.

MrBaseball

Lemming wrote:

And I'm telling you it's quite quite possible from personal experience. Yes the girl in question was attractive (very attractive actually), but I didn't view her like that - more as a friend/little-sister.

Jeez, wtf is it with people doing this constant "guys don't have girl friends, they want to jump eveything in a skirt" crap that goes on. B*llocks!! YOU may not be able to on account of having a) lack of willpower and/or b) insecurities, but that's not to tell everyone else that they can't either because you don't believe it yourself.

In practice it's more likely to be the "let's be friends and tell each other all our secrets" type male friend who has insecurities. Lack of willpower? Huh?? If you're attracted to someone, doing nothing about it and just being friends is some sort of badge of honour??

You may not want to jump everything in a skirt, but I fail to see why a single 17/18/19 year old guy wouldn't want something with a girl who he considered very attractive and also whose personality he liked enough to be friends with her. Fear of rejection perhaps? Resignation to being unable to get attractive girls?

Anyway on topic, this is one of those situations where we can't really tell. Sure, he might want more. Maybe she does too. Maybe neither are into each other and it's perfectly innocent. Maybe something in between. But, whatever the case, if she wants to go, you've gotta let her go and not seem upset about it, trying to stop her is a bad bad idea, and won't do you any good.

Czarina

I'm 19, going into third year in college, with my bf 9 months so slightly different.

If my bf tried to stop me doing this I would be very mad at him as I would assume it means he doesn't trust me (the fact that it's him you don't trust doesn't matter, if you trust her it doesn't matter if he makes a move cos she'll turn him down)

Also, 6 months is quite a long relationship at 17/18, so you're fairly serious I assume. Have some faith in her. She just wants a night out with her friends (who she probably doesn't see as much as she used to when she's going out with you)

The right thing to do is grow up, tell her it's not a problem, buy her a bunch of flowers on the day and go to the house to tell her how gorgeous she looks

MrBaseball

Czarina wrote:

buy her a bunch of flowers on the day and go to the house to tell her how gorgeous she looks

Let's not go overboard, eh?? Indifference is the way to go, not stupidly happy that she's off at a debs with some other guy.

lemansky

One of my friends was going out with another of my friends but they kept it quiet because they didn't want to make things awkward in the group....they're cool like that,they don't be in your face.

Anyway, I ended up asking the girl in question to my debs this year, not knowing that she was going out with somebody, but I made it clear, even when I thought she was single, that I was asking her purely as a friend, nothing else.

When she said yes she then told me that she was going out with the friend and I was horrified but she convinced me it would be alright. Anyway I took the guy aside and asked him if he was cool with it. He was more than happy with it for two reasons. One I had made it clear even before I knew about them that I was asking purely as a friend, but the second reason is the most important one. He knows me really well and trusts me. We are really good friends, and nothing has changed between us since I asked.

I think that if you know the guy who is asking your girlfriend and are friends with him and know the stiry, then it shouldn't be a problem. I've been friends with this girl for ages, so if I was into her in that way, I would've made my move ages ago!e are just two good friends looking to have a laugh so there is no harm in it in this case. Its not unlike when she goes out with a few of the gang for a 'normal' night out without the boyfriend.

LegacyUser

Ok, so you're in a situation that you're uncomfortable with.

You've explained the request from you're girlfriend and how you feel about her, the other guy, the trust situation and how you'll react to what happens.

You don't mind showing her the trust but you do have your doubts about yer man. Do you think he might get her drunk and try it on? Would him and "his gang" be that vindictive?

It's good that you are willing to show trust and equally that she is telling.. no asking you if it's ok.

Now, I can only see one thing left out, talk to her. If you feel things could go wrong, tell her about your concerns. Knowledge is power and if you tell her what you're thinking, then she'll have that under her belt and be able to act more cautiously on the night if she needs to. Hell you might even get the bonus of her completely re-assuring you about her intentions

So, in summary, talk to her about this. It's the best you can do and after all she showed you the same courtesy.

IANAL (hullaballoo's test a/c)

It sounds like nothing to me. If she's mates with that group, then it's normal to do stuff like that.

It probably wasn't a case of him coming up to her in private and asking her in an improper way, but more that a group of them were sitting around trying to work out how to get all their mates to go:

Group: "here Kev [I'm assuming that's the other guy's name], you haven't asked anyone to take your other debs ticket, have you?"
Kev: "no, why? pray tell."
Group: "'cause Clara [I'm assuming that's your girlfriend's name] might wanna go, and she needs a ticket."
Kev: "but of course."

That would be my take. You haven't asked her in what context he asked her to go, have you? It might help to explain things.

By the way, if you could act like you don't mind in the least bit*, she's way more likely to (a) feel comfortable about it and not harbour the type of resentment that can make drunk people kiss other drunk people they're not going out with, and (b) make you more attractive to her. Win-win.

*Warning: there's a difference between acting like you don't mind and you don't care. You're going for the first one! d:

cowzerp

NiSmO wrote:

This post has been deleted.

Its not up to you to let her go or not but its your decision wheter your there when she comes back-if some lad asked my girl out on a date i'd tell him to get the boat, and if she wanted to go i'd question where her loyalties are.

Gillo

6th wrote:

Of course you have to be prepared that something might happen but if she's the kind of girl that will cheat then it will happen sooner or later,

Words of wisdom, tempted to make a comment about using a sixth sense to check up on her, but that's inappropiate and it'd turn out crap anyway.

Apart from agreeign with 6th, my tupence worth is you're both what 16 or 17, you've been going out 6 months and all her mates are going already. You have two options "Be a man", put your foot down adn tell her no way- while you are at it you might aswell buy a ticket to Dumpsville. The second option is tell her that you are fine with her going but that are are worried about "What if something happens between them".

I know at my deb's a lot of friend went as couple's, and nothing happen people just prefer to go as couples

BaZmO*

gillo wrote:

You have two options "Be a man", put your foot down adn tell her no way- while you are at it you might aswell buy a ticket to Dumpsville.

I wouldn't say that that's being a man, I would say it's being a dick. You're second suggestion is closer to being a man tbh.

Talliesin

I think the scare-quotes around "be a man" was to show he didn't actually agree with that label.

Really, in a way it's hard not to be patronising, the kid's pretty much still got training-wheels on his love-life and it's only natural he doesn't have a clue.

On the other hand, the fact that he seems to have some sort of idea that he actually can "tell" his gf not to go to a formal social event as someone else's escort is pretty scary. Where are kids picking this crap up? There's something seriously wrong in our education system; what the hell am I paying taxes for if this is what our schools turn out.

BaZmO*

Talliesin wrote:

I think the scare-quotes around "be a man" was to show he didn't actually agree with that label.

Yeah I think you're right. I just read his post quickly and then posted.

Talliesin wrote:

There's something seriously wrong in our education system; what the hell am I paying taxes for if this is what our schools turn out.

I blame the parents.

NiSmO

This post has been deleted.

biko

NiSmO wrote:

This post has been deleted.

He doesn't have to ask you first. They are long-term friends and you are the new bf. If she wants to go then fine, let her. It's only a night and she'd be happy you trusted her. If she feels you are trying to control her you'll be one gf shorter.

Don't call people spas.

BobTheBeat

Fair play Nismo, you'll be glad you agreed to it. If she cheats on you, then chalk it up to experience. It'll be an interesting experiment, one which should cement things with you both if everything works out.

Easy_81

Just let her go, if she fancies ya she will keep her hands to herself, otherwise as a few have said, she aint worth the effort.

Mushy

Good to see your letting her go.

I asked one of my friends to my debs which is coming up. She has a bf, not that I've ever met him. I dont intend trying anything on with her. Just going as friends and thats it...not that hard to believe is it? Hopefully you still feel you made the right decision after it, but dont keep fretting about it.

Flicky1

Kenny 5 wrote:

No Forking Way!!!!!!!!!!

I have to agree with Kenny 5. Grow a pair and let her know whos boss. If she doesn't like it f*@k her and try it on with one of her friends!!!

WindSock

The guy who asked her probably has nobody to ask to go with him. If you know him well enough to talk to him, tell him if he has no one else to take, you have your consent. But remind him you have eyes in the place that they are going to, and if you find out anything happened, then he will be having his next meal through a straw.

dr.bollocko

I was going out with a girl once who went to her Debs with a bloke who wasnt me, but I was certain it was fine as he was my best friend.


Yeah. I bet you can guess.


They got together that night due to the booze, told me the morning after when the booze had worn off. Well, you know they knew each other for ages, and were best mates. Neither of them was that into the other romantically, but they shifted and both were incredibly ****ed up about it. As you can imagine, from their point of view, the guilt involved in hurting me was bad, and the fact that it was in front of my entire year at school sucked even more. They lost my friendship because I just didnt have the mental strength to make the leap to forgive the two of them. My POV was they could apologise as many times as they liked, so long as they remembered to go and **** themselves rather than tell me about it.


I would kindly suggest that you will not be going out with this girl much longer.
Its funny actually, it was only in the last 2 weeks I started talking to the bloke involved in my debs hell. My debs hell(trademark) was a looooooooooooooooooonnnnngggg time ago.
So there really are a few morals to my derivative tale of doom.
1. If she was really into you she would go with you.
2. People do stupid things when they are drunk.
3. In the pastiche of livin, lovin and losin that is life, this girl, no matter how wrapped up you are in her, will almost certainly not be your last. So in fairness, does it really matter what happens at that debs?
Oh and dont listen to boreds above. To threaten this guy with violence is sub retarded / wouldnt have any effect / would polarise him against you and would give him a lovely story to tell your girlfriend as he spends most of the evening trying to rent a room in her pants.

PeakOutput

dr.bollocko wrote:

1. If she was really into you she would go with you.

its not her debs

2. People do stupid things when they are drunk.

people who cant control themselves do stupid things when they are drunk


op i think u have made the right decision

lemansky

dr.bollocko wrote:

If she was really into you she would go with you.

In my case it's not the guy's debs.

EDIT:It's not her debs either so neither would be going plus she doesn't drink.

axer

dr.bollocko wrote:

I was going out with a girl once who went to her Debs with a bloke who wasnt me, but I was certain it was fine as he was my best friend.

In fairness - there was your mistake. You let (yes, let) her go to HER debs with another guy. I would never let (I mean let) my girlfriend (if we were that young) go to her own debs with another guy. It just doesn't make sense. End of story.

OP: You did the right thing. TBH if the guy knows you he should have asked you if it was cool first but you can't hold that against your girlfriend. You could meet up with them later after the meal etc if you wanted.

dr.bollocko wrote:

1. If she was really into you she would go with you.

as PeakOutput said.

dr.bollocko wrote:

2. People do stupid things when they are drunk.

Not everyone.

dr.bollocko wrote:

3. In the pastiche of livin, lovin and losin that is life, this girl, no matter how wrapped up you are in her, will almost certainly not be your last. So in fairness, does it really matter what happens at that debs?

However true, nobody likes to think like that about the girlfriend that they are going out with - obviously he is in to her.

Luckyduck

No way...tell her you not happy for her to go. Its not a matter of trust, its a matter of respect. If he was a very good friend of your girlfriends then well and good, but I think it would make me uncomfortable.

LegacyUser

'Kinda same situ with me. I dont know very well/get on great with her friends though so she doesnt want to have to leave me alone so she can talk to her friends who she might be seeing for the last time etc.

I'm ok with it though, I trust her, I know in the wee hours of the morning Ill be asked to collect her and take her home. To my house.

axer and doc, its her debs shes going to (well 2nd debs, she did transition year), so if you see a thread in a few weeks entitled "I let my gf go to her debs without me...." you'll have more evidence that its a bad idea.

Agree with axer about the meeting up after part.'