It's Matrimony.... la la la la....

mickrourke

*** Mod Notice ***

I just found out the singer discussed in this thread is connected with those who cannot be named.
Therfore I must edit all references to him, including my own, regardless of how innocent they were.

Hagar

**** End Notice ***

I came downstairs this morning and my wife asked what i wanted for breakfast. So i said, "Eggs, Bacon, fried bread and Mushrooms". At least thats what i meant to say. What i actually said was "You ruined my life, you fat ugly witch."

Three women are talking about their love lives.
1st Woman: My husband is like a Rolls Royce, smooth and sophisticated
2nd Woman: My husband is like a Porsche, fast and incredibly powerful
3rd Woman: My husband is like a Robin Reliant. It needs a hand start. Then you have to jump on quick once you get it going.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in whenever she felt like it and sink my boats.

My wife and I lead a quiet life. The last time when we went out together was when the gas boiler exploded.

Husband: Put on your coat, I'm going to the pub.
Wife: Oh thats nice dear, are you taking me for a drink?
Husband: No, I'm turning the heating off

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but i can't get my wife to go swimming

A man rushes into his house and tells to his wife, "Mary, pack up your things! I just won the lotto!" Mary shouts back, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man replies, "I don't care!, just so long as you are out of the house by noon!"



Start a poll. Who wants to ban me?

FrCrilly

<snip>
Oh, Good jokes by the way.

Oliverdog

<snip>

Spud83

mickrourke wrote:

Husband: Put on your coat, I'm going to the pub.
Wife: Oh thats nice dear, are you taking me for a drink?
Husband: No, I'm turning the heating off

mickrourke wrote:

A man rushes into his house and tells to his wife, "Mary, pack up your things! I just won the lotto!" Mary shouts back, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man replies, "I don't care!, just so long as you are out of the house by noon!"

I think it should be an automatic ban for anyone posting these jokes for the 100oth time

Hagar

alanmurphy83 wrote:

I think it should be an automatic ban for anyone posting these jokes for the 100oth time

I'm going to say this just once more.

The reason negative comments on jokes are not allowed is because it discourages other posters from posting because they don't want ridicule.

I'm not making that up either, another poster had put up another set of jokes which they deleted after seeing the above comment. They were decent jokes, which had all been posted before, so what, as long as it wasn't too recently.

I will reinstate their post if the poster PMs me.

AlanMurphy83 gets a 1 week ban as a result.

mickrourke

alanmurphy83 wrote:

I think it should be an automatic ban for anyone posting these jokes for the 100oth time

It'll take more than that to stop me!!!!

<snip>

Hagar

<snip>

mickrourke

<snip>

Hagar

<snip>

mickrourke

<snip>

Hagar

Rabies!!!
Where's Rabies when I need help...

Oriel

mickrourke wrote:

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in whenever she felt like it and sink my boats.

Excellent.

Oliverdog

There is a case for saying that some of the OP's jokes were a bit ancient, not that there's anything wrong with that. But sometimes the most unpromising posts can provoke the liveliest discussions - look at the corner our Moderator has painted himself into now.
A valuable lesson to us all....

Hagar

Indeed John, never a truer word spoken.:)

mickrourke

[<snip>
Seriously though, I will welcome any comments on my jokes be they good or as i suspect mostly bad if it leads to me gettting laid, er, I mean, leads to a lively discussion, eh Hagar

Hagar

<snip>

Oliverdog

Mick:

About the reaction to your jokes. Here's one I had the other week from The Bollox, in response to one I posted about a girl with a glass eye.

*cocks shotgun*

I'll give you to the count of three!

This is proper criticism of a bad joke. I really love the 'stage directions' we see in this forum from time to time - the sound of coats being zipped up, taxis being hailed. The Bollox criticised my joke, and it made my day.

<snip>

mickrourke

<snip>
I hate you Hagar

mickrourke

john.hannah@bti wrote:

Mick:

About the reaction to your jokes. Here's one I had the other week from The Bollox, in response to one I posted about a girl with a glass eye.

*cocks shotgun*

I'll give you to the count of three!

This is proper criticism of a bad joke. I really love the 'stage directions' we see in this forum from time to time - the sound of coats being zipped up, taxis being hailed. The Bollox criticised my joke, and it made my day.

Absolutely, in fact the aforementioned Bollox even crticised one of my jokes, why i don't know cause mine are all so good, but he said "I loved that joke and by love, i mean i want to kill you". Why can't I be a bollox too!!

patmac

<snip>

Oliverdog

Great - so it seems that The Bollox is "the man" for joke criticism.

(Probably a feckin' woman) :eek:

patmac

<snip>

Hagar

Knowledge like that is never wasted. I bet they were very impressed.

mickrourke

<snip>

Oliverdog

mickrourke wrote:

Husband: Put on your coat, I'm going to the pub.
Wife: Oh thats nice dear, are you taking me for a drink?
Husband: No, I'm turning the heating off

Harmless is it? I'm just waiting for winter to try this one out.

mickrourke

john.hannah@bti wrote:

Harmless is it? I'm just waiting for winter to try this one out.

All depends on your timing really and how far you are out that door before you say the last line

patmac

<snip>
Haven't been back since, will have to scout the pub out before I go in again, although it's a small country pub where everyone knows everyone's business, so no doubt the whole of South-West Roscommon knows that I'm a saddo now, although I could be asked onto quiz pub teams for free pints so I'll let you know how I get on this weekend.

Oliverdog

We'll look forward to your news. Perhaps best to keep Mastermind <snip> on the back burner for a while.

Fratton Fred

mickrourke wrote:

.
Three women are talking about their love lives.
1st Woman: My husband is like a Rolls Royce, smooth and sophisticated
2nd Woman: My husband is like a Porsche, fast and incredibly powerful
3rd Woman: My husband is like a Robin Reliant. It needs a hand start. Then you have to jump on quick once you get it going.

reminded me of

Three Black American women are talking about their love lives. (You need to think black deep southern US female accent here)
1st Woman: I call my husband Long John, cos man, he's got a loooong John
2nd Woman: I call my husband thick Richard, cos man, he's got a real thick D**k
3rd Woman: I call my man Courvoisier.
1st and 2nd women: Courvoisier? aint that one o' dem fancy liquers?
3rd Women; uuhh huh!;)

FrCrilly

<snip>

Howard the Duck

<snip>

I just wanted to feel included.