A new service from Tesco

Oliverdog

A man was moaning in the locker room after a particularly bad game of golf. As is usual, he was blaming everything but himself.
“My elbow hurts” he said to his long-suffering partner. “No wonder I can’t hit the ball. I bet I’ve got arthritis or something”
“A simple urine test will confirm that” said his friend. “Why don’t you try that new machine they have at Tesco? Much quicker than going to the doctor. You just take a urine sample, put in your credit card number, pour the sample into the funnel, and it gives you a diagnostic printout”.

So during the week, pushing the trolley for his wife, he wanders off and finds the new machine. Following the instructions, he pays his €5 with his credit card, tips in the small jar of urine he has brought with him, and presses the button. The machine rumbles and whirrs, then rattles out a printout.

Diagnosis: You are suffering from tennis elbow.
Treatment: Go to our pharmacy and buy a tube of Ibuprofen. Buy one, get one free. Get a pressure bandage from our pharmacy. Total cost €15.95, with double Clubcard Points. Apply the Ibuprofen twice daily, wear the pressure bandage below the joint, rest for two weeks, repeat if necessary.

“Bastards!” he mutters “I might have known they’d be selling something”.

The following week, using methods best left to the imagination, he collects another bottle for the machine. This consists of a urine sample from his dog, his wife, his daughter, and almost as an afterthought, a sperm sample from himself. He shakes up the mixture, and sets off for Tesco more enthusiastically than his wife has seen for some time.

In went the credit card, then the sample, and the button pressed. This time, the machine cranked and rattled for some time, before delivering a printout.

Diagnosis: Your dog has worms.
Treatment: Panacur tablets, available in store. €16.25 for 5.
Diagnosis: Your daughter has a cocaine habit.
Treatment: Tesco now offer a rehabilitation service. Make your booking at Customer Services.
Diagnosis: Your wife is pregnant. You are not the father.
Treatment: See an obstetrician. See special offers in our Maternity Department.
Diagnosis: You are suffering from Tennis Elbow
Treatment: If you don’t stop w*nking, it will never get better.

mickrourke

john.hannah@bti wrote:

Diagnosis: Your dog has worms.
Treatment: Panacur tablets, available in store. €16.25 for 5.
Diagnosis: Your daughter has a cocaine habit.
Treatment: Tesco now offer a rehabilitation service. Make your booking at Customer Services.
Diagnosis: Your wife is pregnant. You are not the father.
Treatment: See an obstetrician. See special offers in our Maternity Department.
Diagnosis: You are suffering from Tennis Elbow
Treatment: If you don’t stop w*nking, it will never get better.

Tesco do all those services!!!!!
and here's me thinking they only sell insurance and food.
I think i might sign up for the rehabilitation service meself, get rid of my bad joke habit. For the good of the humour forum