Many jokes

xzanti

Apologies for email format.. Too lazy to change..

_______________________________________________________________
>>>1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
>>>ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
>>>
>>>2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve
you,
>>>but don't start anything."
>>>
>>>3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
>>>
>>>4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
>>>
>>>5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and
says:
>>>"A beer please, and one for the road."
>>>
>>>6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to theother: "Does this
>>>taste funny to you?"
>>>
>>>7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That
>>>sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not
>>>Unusual."
>>>
>>>8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
>>>Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe
>>>you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
>>>
>>>10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing
>>>to look at either.
>>>
>>>11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
>>>
>>>12 . I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't
>>>find any.
>>>
>>>13 . A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
>>>"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
>>>can't - I've cut off your arms!"
>>>
>>>14 . I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
>>>
>>>15 . What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
>>>
>>>14 . Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
>>>
>>>
>>>BUT WAIT -- THERE'S MORE!!
>>>
>>>Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest
>>>
>>>1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
>>>stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion
>>>allowed per passenger."
>>>
>>>2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and
>>>says "Dam!".
>>>
>>>3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
the
>>>craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have
>>>your kayak and heat it too.
>>>
>>>4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron," The other
>>>says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
>>>
>>>5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
>>>canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
>>>
>>>6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
>>>in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about
>>>an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
>>>"But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't
>>>stand
>>>chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
>>>
>>>7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes
to
>>>a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in
>>>Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of
>>>himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her
>>>husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband
>>>responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
>>>
>>>8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up
>>>a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy
flowers
>>>from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the
competition
>>>was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would
not.
>>>He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored h! im. So,
the
>>>rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug
>>>in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and
trashed
>>>their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
>>>Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent
>>>florist friars.
>>>
>>>9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
>>>produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
>>>little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered
>>>from bad breath. This made him .(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..
A
>>>super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
>>>
>>>10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to
his
>>>friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them
>>>laugh. No pun in ten did.



A woman goes into Harrods to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just
grabs one and goes over to the counter. The Harrods salesman is standing
there, wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the
counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound
it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404
reel and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on
sale this week for £44."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of
it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that
sounds like a Visa card," he says. As the lady bends down to pick up the
card, she accidentally farts.
At first she is really embarrassed but then realises there is no way the
blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be £58.50 please." The
woman
is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale
for
£44.
How did you get to £58.50?"
He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and reel are £44, but the Duck Caller is
£11 and the Fish Bait is £3.50."


> >You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with
> >your 54 years can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and
> >value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this fax, I hope
> >that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending
> >the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed I
> >shall be back home before midnight".


> >When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table.
> >
> >"My Dear Husband,
> >I received your fax and thank you for your honesty. I would like to
> >take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old.
> >At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this,
> >I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael my tennis coach, who like your
> >secretary is also 18 years old.
> >As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of Maths,
> >you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with
> >one small difference.
> >18 goes into 54 more often than 54 goes into 18.
> >Therefore I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow".
> >

mickrourke

Some good ones there, i especially liked the duck caller and fish bait one,
Just what i needed on a slow, slow monday