Coparenting when separated

paulb77

Hi all,
I don't know if this is the right forum. I am getting separated from my wife and we're trying to work out who has kids when and how much money is fair.
WE have a 2yr nutcase boy who is wonderful and she has a 7yrs old daughter from a previous marriage who is also wonderful but a bit sad.

I am thinking 2 nights a week and every second fri sat sun, i.e. equal custody. Is this too much swopping between houses?
I have offered 500 a month for my boy as maintenance, whihc will hurt alot. I am going to drop it to 400 if we have equal custody, until he's in school, then drop it back to 200.

Anybody have an opinion or who knows a similar situation?
I am very lost, very stressed and would appreciate any help,
thanks

simona

hey,
very sad when that happens.
just wanted to say that it's brilliant that you are taking care about your children.not many men do
good luck

belle2

Hi there

I to am also in the middle of a seperation with my partner, but unlike you he only wants to see our son for 2 hours on Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday. six hours a week I am devasted for my son who misses him so much and even though he sees him so little, he has cancelled more times than I can remember. :mad:


You have restored my faith in men who take the role of a dad seriously. I hope you can work it out between you

K-9

Sorry to hear that PaulB. It is tough and can get worse.

I'm not married myself but split from my ex 3 years ago and have a 9 year old. Didn't get as much as you are looking for but unmarried fathers tend not to in these "modern" day courts!

On the maintenace there is a spreadsheet on http://www.solo.ie to help with it. It depends on affordability and earnings though I've heard a rough average is €80/90 per child. Maybe you and the wife can agree something to avoid courts, the best way, but easier said than done. If you's own property that would need to sorted as well. Can't advise too much on spousal maintenance.

On the joint custody, it is the ideal I believe, but it does depend on circumstances. Depend on how far away you live from each other, proximity to school, just general practicalities really.

It would be rare for the maintenance to be cut back really. Though if your income dropped you can get it varied in court if it comes to courts. If it was joint custody I suppose the two of yous would have to work out who pays most of the bills, eg. childcare/schooling etc. and decide who contributes what.

There is a site that you mind find helpful too.http://www.rollercoaster.ie
They have information and some discussion boards to.

Beruthiel

paulb77 wrote:

WE have a 2yr nutcase boy who is wonderful and she has a 7yrs old daughter from a previous marriage who is also wonderful but a bit sad.

The poor little thing, does she see her Dad or have you replaced him?
Either way, she probably needs to be told that none of this is her fault and everybody loves her.
Your little fella probably doesn't know what's going on and will adapt to this quickly enough.
This is really tough on you and as I've been there I know how much of a gut wrench it is.
My advise is, the children come first. Always.
So when working out when ye see them, do it so it least affects their lives. If you are going to stay in the same neighbourhood this should cut down the amount of hassle.
You cannot tell them enough, how much you love them.
Never allow guilt to change the way you would parent them, this can happen when parents try to make up for a broken home, resulting it kids playing off each parent.
If you can come to an arrangement with your ex that would be fantastic as it makes life so much easier for both of ye.
When I spilt with my ex we both wanted what was best for our daughter, who was 7 at the time.
I was lucky that way as it never became the bitch fest that I so often hear about. Even after the seperation we both still worked towards a common goal with regards to her. This made life so much easier for all of us.
Best of luck with it.

Izzyone

Just interested in whether or not you have tried marriage counseling?

NextSteps

Beruthiel wrote:

The poor little thing, does she see her Dad or have you replaced him?
Either way, she probably needs to be told that none of this is her fault and everybody loves her.
Your little fella probably doesn't know what's going on and will adapt to this quickly enough.
This is really tough on you and as I've been there I know how much of a gut wrench it is.
My advise is, the children come first. Always.
So when working out when ye see them, do it so it least affects their lives. If you are going to stay in the same neighbourhood this should cut down the amount of hassle.
You cannot tell them enough, how much you love them.
Never allow guilt to change the way you would parent them, this can happen when parents try to make up for a broken home, resulting it kids playing off each parent.
If you can come to an arrangement with your ex that would be fantastic as it makes life so much easier for both of ye.
When I spilt with my ex we both wanted what was best for our daughter, who was 7 at the time.
I was lucky that way as it never became the bitch fest that I so often hear about. Even after the seperation we both still worked towards a common goal with regards to her. This made life so much easier for all of us.
Best of luck with it.

I agree completely. And another important thing, I think, is not to give out about the other parent to your children. My parents did this about twice, ever (they were very careful), but I can't get what they said out of my head, twenty years later.

paulb77

Izzyone wrote:

Just interested in whether or not you have tried marriage counseling?

Yes , accord, it was too late though/ All it diid was make her sure she was leaving.

Belle2
Good luck with yours, I hope you can make it work.


Eveeryone, thanks so much for the replies, good advice, I will post some more when we figure it out.
P