Calling all Single Parents... Help me.

d2b

Hi,

I would greatly appreciate any advice that could be offered on the following. Although the situation is extremely complex (from my point of view anyway) I'll try to be as brief as possible.

I'm a postgrad student and will be for 2 more years. I live with my parents and run a car. I only earn about 12-14k per year and this isn't likely to change until I finish college.

Very soon I will become a Dad. I do not live with or even date the mother in question - in fact I hardly know her and it's fair to say, from the brief amount of contact that I have had with her, that she has no great affinity toward me. Thus far her contact has been to ask for 'maternity money', 'rent money' and any other money she could get for the duration of the pregnancy. There has been some tendancies from her to mention forbidding me access/custody to the child if I am not forthcoming with such requests. I should note at this point that while she is an extremely intelligent individual she has been previously (and arguably still) psychiatrically ill, exhibiting severe low self esteem, depression and dependancy issues. To the best of my knowledge she is seeing a social worker or therapist for the duration of her pregnancy.

Based upon legal advice I sought early in the pregnancy when such requests for financial support were made there has been little to no contact made for several months. The little contact that was made I had to terminate as she appeared to be getting extremely wound up.

I should also note that she is by no means destitute. She has supportive parents to live with (like me) and she has a considerable amount of postgraduate education/qualifications.

Soon (as bithdate is near) I am going to have to attempt to open some kind of dialogue with her to work things out in respect of our kid. I am prepared to pay whatever needs be based on my current income and increase that as soon as I finish my course and land a 'proper job'. I would sure like to be able to visit mini-me with a view to eventaully establishing some sort of joint-custody arrangement also (when I have a place of my own etc).

Basically I really want to be a part of this childs life and I know I can make a really positive impact.

So to the point (I'm not doing too well on the 'being brief' part so far!):

1). Am I better off just going through the courts to begin with here even though she would be better off finnancially if she received a 'gift' payment or whatever from me on top of her OPF?

2). If I make 'gift' payments to her (instead of court established maintanence payments) would this be a good thing or a bad thing for me in terms of a custodial battle if one ever ensued in the future?

3). I know it's largely a means tested equation - but how much (based upon the info I gave above) should I offer to pay per week/month/whatever?

4). Any other observations anyone could offer based upon the situation described here?

Kildrought

Am not a 'single' parent, but I do parent alone, so may be able to offer some help here.

1). Am I better off just going through the courts to begin with here even though she would be better off finnancially if she received a 'gift' payment or whatever from me on top of her OPF?

Bottom line is that you are better off paying maintenance on foot of a court order; if you have a maintenance figure agreed, you simple ask the court to so direct. Not a big deal, either party can apply for a variation order at any time should circumstances change. I've never claimed SW so can't advise in much detail on the impact of child maintenance on One Parent Family Allowance. You'll get more information on www.welfare.ie. I believe one-off payments towards the cost of the birth can also be ordered to be paid by you.

2). If I make 'gift' payments to her (instead of court established maintanence payments) would this be a good thing or a bad thing for me in terms of a custodial battle if one ever ensued in the future?

I'd stick with the maintenance payments. I'm not sure what you mean by 'custodial battle', it is most unlikely that you will be awarded sole custody of your child.

3). I know it's largely a means tested equation - but how much (based upon the info I gave above) should I offer to pay per week/month/whatever?

As you know child maintenance is based on each parents income and expenditure, see www.solo.ie for a good spreadsheet on how to calculate. The maximum that can be awarded in District Court is €150 per week per child; anecdotal evidence (and I stress anecdotal) suggests €75 per week per child is average.

4). Any other observations anyone could offer based upon the situation described here?

Provided you have your child to stay over for at least 1 night per year you can claim an additional tax allowance - see www.revenue.ie; I don't know of any one who has ever had revenue check that their child was staying with them at least 1 night.

You should apply for guardianship for your child also; as you were not married to your child's mother, you will not get it automatically. Assume there is nothing untoward in your background, your application will most likely be granted. Should access be a issue, and note that here is no link (and courts will NEVER allow there to be a link) between child maintenance and access you can apply for a court order for that also, though it's better to work this out yourselves.

Finally, you are right to focus primarily on your child; your relationship with your former partner may be over but the relationship with your child will never be.

Some websites are: www.treoir.ie, www.solo.ie, www.rollercoaster.ie, www.welfare.ie, www.revenue.ie, www.citizensinformation.ie

bored and tired

d2b wrote:

Hi,

Thus far her contact has been to ask for 'maternity money', 'rent money' and any other money she could get for the duration of the pregnancy.

To the best of my knowledge she is seeing a social worker or therapist for the duration of her pregnancy.

i am just wondering, if your ex has a social worker already than you could stand a good chance of joint custody, or of even the child living with you and your parents on a full time basis.

If that is what you want, contact the social work department that covers your exs area, ask to speak to the duty social worker and explain that you do not know if the case is open or not (if possible have her DOB and EDO), state that you are the babys father as she may not have told them of you, and state your intentions so that if things go worse you will be one of the first on the list of placements for the baby should they need to make an emergency care order or eco.

If things arent that serious and she is just seeing a therapist, pursue maintenance access and joint guardianship through the courts

best of luck.