gf likes girls

LegacyUser

i hate to have to use a message forum like this but there is no one else i can really ask.

ok so i'm straight and my gf (of nearly a year) is bi. we are in our 20s.
my problem is i adore her but can i ever be enough for her? i can never give her the fulfilment she needs as i only tick the boxes for half of her sexuality surely?

she also said she feels that if she were to cheat on me with a girl (we were just discussing hypothetical situations), it wouldnt be as bad as if it was with another guy. i disagree and am worried.

any advice or helpful comments?
thanks

Xaniaj

Its a matter of trust - if you trust her, then it shouldn't really matter whether she's bi as you trust her to not cheat on you.

That said, she obv has odd ideas of what constitutes cheating if she thinks being with a girl isn't cheating compared to being with a guy....

Doctor DooM

Done the bi girlfriend thing. Cheating is cheating, and there is nothing wrong with that attitude. Doesn't matter if it is boy or girl.

Beruthiel

am_i_enough? wrote:

i it wouldnt be as bad as if it was with another guy.

Bullsh!t, cheating is cheating.

Owen

Yup, done the bi-girlfriend thing too, and cheating is still definitely cheating, and while sometimes it can have benefits, eventually it will screw up relationships.

Boston

In the same way that if you where to cheat on her with a girl from mayo it wouldn't be as bad as one from dublin?

Sex in a relationship is about taking what you want to do, what your willing to do and what you won't/can't do and coming to a compromise. Unless you have very straight forward tastes there will always be something that you will want which the other person won't / can't provide. So ask her, would it be ok for you go off and preform sexual acts with other people which she will not perform with you.

claire h

am_i_enough? wrote:

she also said she feels that if she were to cheat on me with a girl (we were just discussing hypothetical situations), it wouldnt be as bad as if it was with another guy. i disagree and am worried.

any advice or helpful comments?
thanks

Yeah, you're right to disagree. If she's claiming that she needs more than one person to satisfy her needs or tick all her boxes or whatever, that's not bisexuality, that's polyamory. She shouldn't be using one to justify the other.

Might be worth pointing out that you take her attraction to women seriously, that you appreciate that she genuinely is attracted to both sexes rather than just wanting to 'experiment', and that from that perspective you really do feel that it would be just as bad if she cheated on you with another guy.

Aura

Unless this is something you're both comfortable with, which you don't seem to be, and have agreed upon, then it absolutely is cheating no matter sex the other person is and even more so when there has been discussion around the topic and so if she were to it would be premeditated really and a complete violation of trust. It’s a really tough one for you but just stay true to your feelings on the topic and discuss them openly with her.

bungeecork

Ticking sex boxes is one thing, a partnership is another. Tick all the boxes you want to, safely, and enjoy life. A partnership is way more enjoyable than an exclusive sex relationship.

And if the basics are there, you'll work anything out with a partner.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Beruthiel wrote:

Bullsh!t, cheating is cheating.

Nah, it's just not. I wouldn't be near as distraught if a girlfriend cheated on me with a girl.

If a girl cheated on me with a guy it would be over. Though if it was a girl I just don't think it would be the end of the world. Would just feel much more jealous of a guy.

I actually know a guy who's bi. Him & his girlfriend have an agreement that he can have physical relations with guys & her girls but no extra-relationship herterosexuality is allowed!

Talliesin

am_i_enough? wrote:

ok so i'm straight and my gf (of nearly a year) is bi. we are in our 20s.
my problem is i adore her but can i ever be enough for her?

Being enough for your partner isn't about being in particular demographic.

am_i_enough? wrote:

i can never give her the fulfilment she needs as i only tick the boxes for half of her sexuality surely?

That's really not how it works.

Now, some people's sexuality does make them seek variety, but that's not a matter of orientation. Obviously if you are bisexual and into seeking variety you're probably (but not necessarily) going to have lovers of both sexes, but whether someone is or isn't suited to monogamy is a completely different matter to their orientation (in my experience straight people are slightly more likely to be poly and far more likely to cheat, but I'm pretty sure that's not statistically valid and straight people aren't all just a bunch of cheaters).

am_i_enough? wrote:

she also said she feels that if she were to cheat on me with a girl (we were just discussing hypothetical situations), it wouldnt be as bad as if it was with another guy.

She's entitled to that opinion. However, it's what you think on the matter that determines whether or not she's cheating.

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote:

I actually know a guy who's bi. Him & his girlfriend have an agreement that he can have physical relations with guys & her girls but no extra-relationship herterosexuality is allowed!

That's not bisexuality though, it's bisexuality and swinging or polyamoury or some other model of non-monogamous relationship.

shoegirl

am_i_enough? wrote:

she ... said she feels that if she were to cheat on me with a girl (we were just discussing hypothetical situations), it wouldnt be as bad as if it was with another guy. i disagree and am worried.

Thats bull****. Its just an excuse for selfish self-indulgence of the worst kind. It sounds as if she is immature and selfish and doesn't really respect men or women. Part of the problem is that a lot of guys encourage women to do this in the brain-washed belief that its a turn on for them, only to realise afterwards that they are just as jealous as if it had been another guy.

I would be inclined to move away from this committment, it sounds like she isn't really committed to you and is trying to make excuses for her behaviour before she has even done anything. It sounds like a prelude to doing it for real. I went out with somebody who was willing to twist reality like this (albeit in a different context) and believe me no amount of twisting the truth can make unacceptable behaviour ok.

juuge

Why must we spend our limited time on this planet questioning other peoples behaviour ? Seldom do other peoples opinons really matter. Live and let live, we pass this way but once.

Boston

juuge wrote:

Why must we spend our limited time on this planet questioning other peoples behaviour ?

Because the behaviour of others affects us.

fozzle

OP What's acceptable in a relationship can ultimately only be decided by the people in the relationship.

In this instance you and your girlfriend appear to have agreed on a monogamous relationship. That should be the end of it. If she wants to be with anyone else, then clearly she is not as ready for a monogamous relationship as she thinks.

Her sexual orientation is not the real issue here, if you two are in an exclusive relationship and she is with anyone else, then that is cheating, irregardless of that person's physical make up.

juuge

Boston wrote:

Because the behaviour of others affects us.

Other peoples behaviour will only affect us if we allow it to. If we ponder on our natural surroundings we have neither the time nor the inclination to judge others. We then accept them for what they really are. Try it – it works.

Boston

juuge wrote:

Other peoples behaviour will only affect us if we allow it to. If we ponder on our natural surroundings we have neither the time nor the inclination to judge others. We then accept them for what they really are. Try it – it works.

The only way not to be affect be the actions of others is to live an isolated life, detached from loved ones. You're suggesting that he should be so detached from his partner as to not care/be affect by her actions. Thats completely unreasonable. We, as humans, are social animals, we cannot survive in isolation.

Beruthiel

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote:

Nah, it's just not. I wouldn't be near as distraught if a girlfriend cheated on me with a girl.

But that's you and you'd be happy with that arrangement. He has stated that he disagrees with that, therefore for him, it would be cheating.

juuge

Boston wrote:

The only way not to be affect be the actions of others is to live an isolated life, detached from loved ones. You're suggesting that he should be so detached from his partner as to not care/be affect by her actions. Thats completely unreasonable. We, as humans, are social animals, we cannot survive in isolation.

You can listen and understand people around you and be enriched by their positive gestures - you do not need to be affected by them in a negative way. I sometimes believe that those who choose not to understand this principle are somehow trying to fill a void in their own understanding of what truely is...try to understand while the clock ticks away.

Talliesin

juuge wrote:

Other peoples behaviour will only affect us if we allow it to.

So, if someone smashes a brick into the side of your head, it will only affect you if you allow it?

I recommend you don't attempt to prove that.

Boston

juuge wrote:

You can listen and understand people around you and be enriched by their positive gestures - you do not need to be affected by them in a negative way. I sometimes believe that those who choose not to understand this principle are somehow trying to fill a void in their own understanding of what truely is...try to understand while the clock ticks away.

Believe it or not your world view is not new to me, I understand it completely. I've encountered people in the past with it. They usually sing as their lifes turn to crap infront of their very eyes.

juuge

Boston wrote:

Believe it or not your world view is not new to me, I understand it completely. I've encountered people in the past with it. They usually sing as their lifes turn to crap infront of their very eyes.

Thank you for that.
I'd be curious to know the issues underlying that retort and wonder what part you played in their demise.
Perhaps your accompanying logo says it all.

Boston

lol